What to Know When Dating Someone With Bipolar Disorder

What Is Bipolar Disorder?

Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder that causes significant mood shifts with periods of mania and depression. Mania causes feelings of euphoria and grandiosity, as well as heightens the potential for high-risk behaviors, such as overspending, hypersexuality, and overuse of mind-altering substances. Depressive episodes can involve feelings of hopelessness, lethargy, and, in severe cases, suicidal ideation.

Overall, bipolar disorder is often diagnosed as either bipolar I, bipolar II, or cyclothymia. The main differences between these three types of disorders are the extent, frequency, and severity of the symptoms. Statistically, roughly 1 in 40 American adults and 1% of American adolescents are living with bipolar disorder. The biggest risk factor for developing the disorder is having a family history or close relative with the disorder.¹

Signs of Bipolar Disorder in a Partner

There are common signs of bipolar disorder that someone in a relationship might observe when dating someone with bipolar. From lack of sleep to worsening mood swings, it can become second nature to spot bipolar disorder cycles. Being aware of these signs can help in determining one’s own next steps to support their partner.

Common signs of bipolar disorder in a partner include:

• Your partner getting less and less sleep
• Your partner having difficulties concentrating, especially in conversations
• Your partner is speaking more rapidly
• Your partner is more impulsive, for example, drinking more excessively or spending more
• Your partner is irritable
• Your partner’s mood shifts quickly and unpredictably

How to Ask Someone You Are Dating Whether They Have Bipolar Disorder

It can be difficult to ask someone about their mental health. However, it is often a welcomed conversation for people who experience mental health disorders. It supports them in feeling seen. It is very important to be conscientious of how you approach the subject in order not to leave them feeling judged. Specific communication skills are helpful in approaching a sensitive subject.

Here are some tips for how to start a conversation about whether someone has bipolar disorder:

Keep It on the “I”

Starting a conversation off with an “I” statement is incredibly beneficial as it lessens the likelihood of the other party feeling defensive. When we keep it on the “I” we are taking ownership of our thoughts and feelings rather than blaming our partner. For example: “I feel that there’s been a shift in how well you’ve been sleeping. I was hoping we could talk about this more to see what I could do to support you.”

Focus on Thoughts & Feelings Rather Than Events

A recent event can give context to what you bring up to your partner. However, keeping the focus on how you are feeling and what you are thinking about moving forward is a proactive stance that, again, can lessen the likelihood of defensiveness. For example, “We got into a big fight yesterday, and I’m feeling sad about what happened. I’d like to know how you feel so we can figure out how to move forward.”

Avoid Absolutes

When we talk to a person we care about, it is important to move away from absolutes such as always/never. For example, “You never do this” or “You are always upset” can create more conflict and distance with the person you are trying to support, especially when they are struggling with bipolar disorder.

Do Not Assume

While you may have sufficient evidence to say that your partner is struggling with bipolar disorder, we cannot assume these things. It is important to be direct and clear when talking about mental health. If you are reading this, you are already on the right path to exploring what is happening for your partner.

Ask questions that are open-ended as opposed to close-ended so you can have a true conversation about your partner’s experience. Open-ended questions are questions that afford an elongated and more in-depth response as opposed to closed-ended questions that elicit a yes or no answer. Instead of “Are you okay?” ask, “What are you feeling today?”

Know Your Intentions

Before starting a conversation about mental health, it is important to understand your own intentions going into the conversation. Ask yourself: why is it important to understand what is happening? What am I hoping to gain from this understanding? How will I adjust to being more informed? How will this help me? How will this help my partner?

Impact of Bipolar Disorder on Relationships

It can be challenging to date someone with bipolar disorder, especially when a person’s treatment plan is not working for them. Studies have shown that a person living with bipolar disorder may experience more volatility in their relationships, feelings of stigmatization by their partner, and dissatisfaction with their sex life.³ However, there are ways to reduce these negative impacts.

Can You Have a Healthy Relationship With Someone Who Has Bipolar Disorder?

You can absolutely have a healthy relationship with someone who has bipolar disorder. A healthy relationship with a person who has bipolar disorder is similar to other relationships. It involves working on your patience, empathy, and ability to compromise. When these three pieces are in place for the partner in the supportive role, a relationship can flourish irrespective of the disorder.

It has been shown that bipolar relationships fail due to the disorder being untreated or the treatment plan in place, such as medications, not working well for the partner experiencing bipolar. The difficulties have many options for management and resolution as long as the person struggling is on board.

Does Bipolar Disorder Affect Sex?

The effects of bipolar on sex, both physical and emotional, are well documented. When in a manic state, a person with bipolar disorder may be hypersexual. When in a depressive state, a person may have little to no interest in sexual intimacy with their partner. Additionally, quite a few medications for bipolar disorder can cause a low sex drive and the ability of a person to orgasm.

Here are some tips for maintaining intimacy while accommodating the challenges of bipolar disorder:

• Communicate: Talk about one another’s intimate needs and be open about your thoughts and feelings. The more the lines of communication stay open, the more likely you will be to work through what happens.
• Don’t take it personally: Your partner wants to be close to you, and sometimes intimacy looks different from what you may be used to. When your partner is experiencing symptoms, it is not you, and it is not personal. When you understand this, it is much easier to have compassion.
• Find other ways to be intimate: There are many types of intimacy, and it does not just come from sex. There are other ways to be intimate physically, such as cuddling and holding hands. Emotional intimacy is talking about our feelings, exploring things that happened in our past, and talking about our hopes for the future.
• Check in with your partner regularly: Give your partner space to express what is happening. Take the initiative to check in on them regularly, especially when you notice they are not as intimate with you as they generally are.
• Enjoy one another when you can: In the moments where symptoms are not interfering, take advantage and enjoy sexual intimacy with one another.

Benefits of Dating Someone With Bipolar Disorder

There are many positive aspects and strengths that can come from dating someone with bipolar. A person with bipolar disorder can have a special ability to empathize with others’ struggles. They have been through ups and downs with their diagnosis and treatment; thus, they are well equipped to support their partner in managing similar ups and downs of life.

Along that same vein, once they know and practice their healthy habits for success with their diagnosis, they are in a good position to support you in remaining consistent with your own self-care.

How to Support a Partner With Bipolar Disorder

Supporting a partner with bipolar in a relationship is not as complicated as some people may assume. There are many communication skills to create a healthy relationship regardless of a person’s mental health. Part of communication is actively listening to your partner, reflecting back to them what you have heard in order to show them you are listening and understanding, as well as affording a level of empathy with respect to their circumstances.

How To Set Healthy Boundaries Around Bipolar Behaviors

Setting healthy boundaries within the relationship when dating a person with bipolar is a way to find a balance between supporting your partner and maintaining your well-being. Establish your non-negotiables. These could range from volatility to cheating to misuse of mutual finances. It is also important to set an expectation with your partner that you do expect them to be in treatment and compliant with treatment.

Additionally, establish what you feel you can support your partner in and what they are hoping to see from you. Whether it’s gentle reminders of their coping skills or encouraging them to stay active. A healthy lifestyle plays a large role in bipolar symptom management. Your partner may very well look for you to listen when they notice warning signs, or they may not. Again, follow their lead and respect your own needs simultaneously.

Managing Bipolar Breakup Cycles

Managing bipolar breakup cycles requires patience. When symptoms occur, a breakup may not be far behind due to the impulsive nature and mood destabilization of bipolar disorder. Additionally, the person you love may feel like a different person to you. It is vital to remember a person is not their symptoms. The symptoms are the concern, not the person for whom you care.

During a bipolar breakup cycle, practice breathing exercises, meditate, write it out, dance it out, whatever you need to do to cope with it. After that, give your partner space and remain open to hearing them out. Once the symptoms lessen, you can work toward repairing. Remember, you are equally important, and so is your mental health. If you need to take a step back, that is equally as understandable.

Taking Care of Yourself When Dating Someone With Bipolar Disorder

Self-care and maintaining your emotional well-being while supporting your partner are crucial. In general, self-care contributes to healthier and more fulfilling relationships. Self-care may look different for everyone. For some, it is establishing a consistent workout routine. Others will find solace in meditating, reading, writing, or going to therapy. Once you have identified what fills you up, go with that.

Here are some ways to take care of yourself when dating someone with bipolar disorder:

Practice Intentional Self-Care

Intentional self-care is a shift from traditional ways of thinking about self-care. It takes self-care a step further in highlighting how mindfulness practice in an integrated way in our life shows improvements in life satisfaction overall.⁵ Intention is built into mindfulness. It encourages thoughtful planning in our day as well.

Here are some ways to practice intentional self-care:

• Set a daily intention for yourself. This intention will be how you will show up for you throughout the day. Daily intentions can be focused on health, personal hygiene, and relaxation, amongst others. For example, “I set the intention to drink 64oz of water to keep myself hydrated.”
• Implementing mindfulness practice in your day at a time that feels most appropriate in order to lessen any distractions. For example, “I will eat mindfully during my lunch break today”. Or, “I will sit and focus on one thing in my bedroom for 3 minutes.”
• Really let yourself rest. Sleep is vital to our mental health. Without adequate sleep, our body goes into a hyperdrive that compromises our immune system and ability to make healthy decisions. Take care in reducing any unnecessary stimuli, such as taking time away from smartphones/devices well before bedtime.
• Move your body. Movement and/or exercise have been shown to improve mental health due to the release of endorphins. Go for a walk, stretch, or enjoy a cardio class. Any movement is good movement.⁴

Encourage Your Partner to Strengthen Their Support System

Assisting your partner in building a robust support network can help with taking care of oneself. When your partner has additional outlets to turn to, this lessens some of the difficulties that could arise in your relationship. It helps you to feel less alone in the support of the person you are dating with bipolar.

Supporting your partner in strengthening their support system might involve:

• Your partner engaging in group therapy.
• Your partner reaching out more intentionally to friends and family.
• Your partner embracing their interests and joining a local club, church, or organization.
• Your partner having a safe person at work to turn to appropriately when they are feeling symptomatic.

Begin Therapy

Beginning individual therapy for someone who is in a relationship with someone who has bipolar is helpful. Individual therapy can provide tools and support for managing the unique challenges and emotions associated with the relationship. This is a space where you can reinforce and be supported in doing your self-care plan, exploring your personal boundaries, and practicing difficult conversations via role play.

Other sources of support are group therapy and support groups with others who are dating someone with bipolar. It can be comforting to be surrounded by people who understand what you are going through in terms of the challenges and also the benefits.

How To Talk To Loved Ones About Your Partner Having Bipolar Disorder

Dating someone with bipolar does not mean your family and friends are entitled to know this about them. It is very important that your partner is on board with their mental health information being shared. If they are not comfortable with it, then it is best to respect their privacy.

If you are struggling with certain aspects of dating someone with bipolar disorder, it is understandable that you would wish to confide in a trusted friend or family member. A key piece here is ensuring that whomever you confide in will be respectful and keep any information they have learned to themselves. Further, that person will be willing to offer support rather than judgment in knowing such information.

Here are some tips for how to talk to friends and family about your partner having bipolar disorder:

• Approach the topic from a strengths-based lens: Highlight how resilient your partner is rather than sharing the information from a place of challenge and deficit. For example, “[insert name] has been managing bipolar disorder for quite some time. They have been able to overcome a lot of obstacles.”
• Let your partner be in control: If your partner wishes to be a part of these conversations, let them take the lead in talking about their own mental health.
• Answer what you know: Answer their questions with the information you know if discussing this without your partner present. Whatever you do not know, leave it to be discussed at a later time with your partner.
• Be prepared for anything: Talking about mental health can open a door to your own friends and family sharing their mental health experiences as well. On the other hand, showing judgment about what they have learned. It is important to maintain respect for your partner should judgment occur and try to support your friend or family member in moving toward this same respect. For example, “I see this has you feeling a certain way, and I want to support you in understanding a little more so you can support us.”

When to Seek Professional Support

Instances in which a person should consider seeking professional help for themselves or couples therapy for the relationship may be different for everyone. Most prevalent is when the symptoms of bipolar trigger symptoms in you, such as feeling more down, anxious, or generally unwell. When symptoms significantly interfere with your well-being in everyday life, work, and socially, that is a clear indicator of seeking professional support.

An online therapist directory and an online therapy platform are accessible and user-friendly ways to either find a therapist in your local area or to become engaged with a set platform and connect with a therapist who is best fit.

Couples Counseling When a Partner Has Bipolar Disorder

Couples counseling can be a helpful resource for navigating the challenges posed by bipolar in a relationship. A couples therapist can facilitate building communication and setting realistic boundaries. This can be a safe space to establish forgiveness for behaviors that occur when your partner is in an altered mood state and symptomatic.