People with Bipolar Disorder may struggle with maintaining a romantic relationship due to the many symptoms accompanying the diagnosis. Mania, and its potential for accompanying symptoms of depression, can hinder trust between the couple and make it challenging to communicate. The illness can also impact other aspects of the person’s life, including employment, social functioning, and social interaction.1
What is Bipolar Disorder?
Bipolar Disorder is a mental health disorder whose core feature is a disturbance in mood.1 The hallmark feature of the diagnosis is mania.2 Mania is a dysregulated form of mood instability where an individual can feel extreme elation with accompanying disturbances in thinking and behavior.1. While depression may be present, it is not necessary for a diagnosis. Two types of bipolar disorder exist; Bipolar I and Bipolar II. Mania is still present in both, but Bipolar II has a less severe form of mania called hypomania. Depression may also be less intense in Bipolar II.
Despite the diagnosis being quite manageable, it can significantly affect your relationship with yourself and others. Depression may cause someone to withdraw, making it less likely to meet new people or maintain current relationships. The disturbed thinking may also cause a person to feel paranoid and result in limited social lives and connections. Manic episodes present their challenges as well. Individuals may have lower inhibitions and seek out unsafe behaviors that put themselves and others in danger, creating more interpersonal conflict. Divorce and separation are 2-3 times more likely among bipolar individuals.3
Why Do Bipolar Relationships Fail?
A person diagnosed with bipolar disorder can expect to have, sometimes severe and prominent, shifts in mood and behavior. These bipolar cycles can make for a challenging romantic partner. Medication can help with these swings, but some individuals may discontinue their medications leaving the other partner to try and become a caretaker for the other.3 Stressful events, such as arguments, may trigger a person’s mood to destabilize, increasing adverse symptoms of bipolar. The partner may feel they need to tiptoe around the person with bipolar for fear of burdening them and causing their mood to shift. A person with bipolar disorder may not have appropriately developed healthy coping skills to address their symptoms.
Here are 10 reasons why bipolar relationships have a higher chance of failure:
1. Extreme Shifts In Mood & Behavior
Feelings toward a partner may not always be constant as moods may shift their perspective of the relationship, making it hard to build trust.
Feelings of depression may lead the partner with bipolar disorder to think that:
- Others do not understand them
- They are burdening others
- It is best to be alone
- That they always need to push others away, creating more hurtful feelings
A manic episode may cause one to engage in risky behaviors such as substance use or sexual promiscuity. The bipolar person may become distracted during these episodes and want to experience the freedom and independence of a partner who they believe is preventing them from having fun.
2. The Emotional Rollercoaster of Ups & Downs
Emotional dysregulation for the person with bipolar can also be dysregulating to their partner. The partner of the bipolar individual may live in a state of uncertainty, insecurity, powerlessness, and loneliness. 3 They may experience hypervigilance and feel on edge because they do not know when an episode will arise or if that person may break up with them for no reason. This up-and-down roller coaster is exhausting and draining, creating mental fatigue.
3. Bipolar Anger & Rage
Irritability is often a prominent feature of bipolar anger. 4 Getting diagnosed with bipolar disorder can be challenging to accept. Some can struggle with feelings of anger and resentment that they drew a “bad hand” in life. They may be jealous that others in their life do not have to take medication or undergo certain precautions. Friends and family may not understand the person, making them feel more alone and discouraged, even developing abandonment issues.
4. The Disorder Takes All the Attention in the Relationship
One partner may spend a lot of time and energy tending to the partner with bipolar disorder. As a result, that other person’s needs may not get met. They may be looking out for changes in the other’s behavior or if they took their medication. This overt attention to the other’s needs can leave little to no time for someone to care for themselves. The partner may even develop compassion fatigue or caregiver burnout and feel their issues are unimportant.
5. The Stress of Managing Symptoms
Managing symptoms can be a daily task. It means taking medication daily, seeking outside support, following up with a therapist, and utilizing your coping strategies. Juggling all these issues can get overwhelming and turn into toxic stress. Some medications may even lead to drowsiness or sexual difficulties, which can affect the quality of time you spend with your partner.
6. Self-Destructive Behaviors
Those with bipolar disorder are at increased risk for self-destructive behaviors. It is common to display impulsive behaviors, such as aggressive outbursts, excessive spending, substance abuse, or volatile mood swings. 5. Additionally, suicide is a risk during a depressive episode. 5. Partners may be unwilling to be around such behavior as it can put them at risk.
7. Hypersexuality
Sexual promiscuity and an increased need for sex can occur during a manic episode. The individual, who already may have poor coping skills, may not be able to control their impulses and prefer to seek immediate pleasure. This need for pleasure may lead to infidelity in the relationship. Despite the person knowing it is wrong, the individual may still act out for their satisfaction. Cheating can lead to broken trust. The other partner may be unwilling to continue after the trauma from the betrayal.
8. Routines Become Hard to Maintain
Routine can become important in managing symptoms. Avoiding triggers and ensuring you’re leading a healthy lifestyle are all ways to decrease the risk of mood shifts. This rigidity can inhibit spontaneity between the couple as the partner must also stick to the other’s schedule to avoid mood shifts. The person with bipolar disorder may have to turn down opportunities to foster the relationship to ensure they adhere to such habits.
9. Social Isolation
Bipolar disorder is often misunderstood. People may receive harassment or judgment, which can lead to poor self-esteem. Lower self-esteem may lead them to avoid interacting with others and push a partner away. This can make the partner socially isolated as the partner with bipolar disorder is unwilling to spend time with their friends or family.
Additionally, the person with bipolar disorder may have seen past relationships fail when they revealed their diagnosis. As a result, they may be less likely to disclose it to their new partner, making it hard to build a sense of safety and trust.
10. Starting a Family
There may come a time in the relationship when the couple wishes to start a family. This dream may be difficult if a female partner needs to stop her medication to prevent pregnancy complications. Additionally, individuals with bipolar disorder have been reported to have lower fertility rates for various reasons, most notably due to their decreased sexual frequency.3
Do All Bipolar Relationships Fail?
Does every relationship with a bipolar partner fail? Absolutely not! The symptoms and accompanying lifestyle changes may make it challenging to maintain a relationship. However, being diagnosed with bipolar disorder does not make having a relationship impossible. The most successful relationships are ones where the individual is motivated to manage symptoms, follow routines, and communicate with their partner. The most crucial part is for a partner with bipolar disorder to recognize how their actions impact others.
Bipolar relationships tend to have a higher chance of success when the bipolar person has developed healthy coping skills such as:
- They are active with medication regimen and talk therapy
- They are open about their mood swings and recognize triggers
- They know when to walk away from a fight if it gets too emotional
- Maintaining a healthy diet
- Regular exercise
- Avoiding drugs and alcohol
What If Both Partners Have Bipolar Disorder?
Both partners having bipolar disorder can come with their own set of challenges. One partner might have more manic episodes and the other more depressive. A primary concern would be if they had similar presentations and both engaged in risky behaviors. One partner could potentially sabotage the other into not taking medication or prevent them from seeking healthy ways of living. One partner could depend on the other so much that the other does not pay close enough attention to their symptoms as their care is disproportionate.
However, the positive is that both partners can better understand each other’s needs. They can rely on one another in healthy ways to get through the worst of their symptoms. They may feel more at ease sharing with them their experiences and build trust over a shared issue.
How to Cope When Your Bipolar Relationship Fails
There is no right time to leave the relationship, and the decision will be entirely up to you. Coping with the breakup can be difficult. Allowing yourself to step back and recognize what made it not a good fit is a positive way toward healing.
Some ways to cope with challenges and failures in a bipolar relationship include:
Don’t Blame Everything On the Disorder
Having a diagnosis of bipolar disorder does not preclude you from working on the relationship. All couples must navigate issues such as trust, communication, and personal needs. It is essential to distinguish what is a result of bipolar disorder and what is related to other factors.
Find Out More About Bipolar Disorder
Knowledge is power. The more you know about the disorder, the more you can look out for triggers and be aware of risky or stressful situations. The more your partner knows, the easier they can empathize with the condition.
Learning about the disorder from the individual can be more valuable than what you read or have researched. Bipolar disorder can affect everyone differently, and it’s necessary to know how it affects your partner differently than another person.
Look Into Doing Couples Counseling
Couples or marriage counseling is an effective way of repairing a relationship. 6 There is no reason that couples counseling shouldn’t be effective for a couple if one or both have bipolar disorder. Couples counseling allows couples to work on healthy communication and speak about their needs.7
The relationship is the main focus of this type of counseling. The couples’ work allows partners to identify their issues to bring healthy habits into the relationship.
Learn to Accept Them For Everything They Are
It is essential in a relationship to know what you’re getting into and with whom. Managing symptoms is not the same as wanting the person to change. Accepting your partner for who they are provides a safe space for growth and connection. Wanting them to change can put too much pressure and make them feel constricted. It may also show you only care for them when they are healthy and not when their symptoms are present.
Reframing Your Thoughts
A relationship can end for so many reasons. The worst thing you can do is blame yourself or your mental health issues for it ending. For those with bipolar disorder, blaming yourself can further withdraw you from relationships and social connections due to a lack of trust. It is essential to know your role in the breakup and why it did not last. Being more aware of your actions than your partners’ is a positive start to reframing your thoughts.
Seek Out Social Support
Healing from a breakup is tough to do by yourself. Sometimes you need family or friends to help carry the emotional load. Leaning on others for their emotional support is a healthy way of moving on post-relationship. This support network can also help take care of your needs when you’re not in a place to care for yourself properly.
Do Not Seek Out Drugs and Alcohol
Using drugs and alcohol is never a healthy long-term fix for emotional issues. There may be a desire to indulge in substances to help numb the pain from the breakup. However, this can only lead to further depression and despair. Seeking out more active, healthy habits, including exercise or taking up new hobbies, is more beneficial than drowning your sorrows.
When to Seek Professional Help
Seeking out professional help should be a team effort. Taking on too many issues by yourself indicates that outside help might be necessary. Feeling burnout or fatigue is another sign that a professional might be helpful. One partner should only do so much of the lifting. Even finding a therapist should be a team effort. 8
Individual therapy does not take the place of couples counseling.8 Bipolar treatment benefits the partner with bipolar disorder and carries over into the relationship. The couple’s work is going to be focused on the couple and getting them back to a place of functioning. There are many ways to find a therapist right for you, and an online therapist directory is a great place to start.
Some therapeutic methods for addressing problems in a relationship include:
- Marriage & Couples Counseling: A therapeutic modality where the couple learns to communicate about their needs and emotions. The therapy focuses on getting the couple to understand one another and learn to work through difficult experiences.
- Discernment Counseling: A brief form of couples counseling that helps couples when one partner is ambivalent. A significant time commitment is not needed as it is concise and seen more as an assessment of the relationship rather than treatment.
- Individual Psychotherapy: A therapeutic practice where individuals learn to understand themselves better and explore necessary changes. This type of treatment helps a person make more thoughtful choices and learn new kinds of behaviors.
- Online Therapy: Online therapy can be a great alternative to in-person therapy due to its level of accessibility.9 Online therapy is just as effective as in-person therapy and can be a helpful alternative if couples have busy schedules or find a therapist that is too far away.
Final Thoughts
Not all relationships that have one or two partners with bipolar disorder are doomed to fail. More conscientious work and commitment may be needed as a result. You can adequately manage social and relationship challenges through appropriate and healthy coping skills. Adhering to treatment is key to keeping mood instability in check and decreasing the emotional load on both partners. It is best to be upfront and honestly communicate what each one needs to succeed in the relationship.
Why Bipolar Relationships Fail Infographics
