More often than not, when we think of intimacy, we think of sex. But intimacy is so much more than sexual experiences. Intimacy is when we are connected on a deeper level, and it comes in many different forms. It can be physical, emotional, intellectual, creative, conflictual, work, experiential, aesthetic, spiritual, social, etc.
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What Is Intimacy?
Intimacy is a sense of closeness, the ability to trust and share privileged information with another person.1 It means a strong emotional connection, such as love or trust.1 So, while these feelings of emotional connection or love can be present during sexual interactions, this isn’t the only time intimacy exists. One can be intimate with others in many ways outside of romantic relationships.
Intimacy can be present with friends, family, and work relationships. If a relationship allows for vulnerability in any way, it has intimacy. It doesn’t even have to be a long relationship if you run into someone at the store and strike up a conversation, feel a connection, and end up relating over your favorite hobbies and eventually find yourself talking about your struggles as a parent, you have just engaged in an intimate conversation which could then turn into an intimate relationship.
How Intimacy Affects Relationships
Intimacy affects relationships by increasing the sense of fulfillment within the relationship. When we are experiencing intimacy in a relationship, it goes from only experiencing surface-level interactions and emotions, like being an acquaintance, to feeling more connected, trusting, and personal. There has to be a level of vulnerability to move past being an acquaintance and into an intimate relationship.
Research shows that to engage in verbal intimacy, there needs to be a positive affective tone, daily self-disclosure, and listening and understanding.2 This has been shown to lead to an increase in physical and psychological well-being.2 Increasing intimacy in relationships can promote closeness and combat loneliness and depression, improving the overall quality of the relationship.2 This also can mean that having a large social network isn’t nearly as important as having intimate relationships, even if only a few.
10 Types of Intimacy
There are many different types of intimacy, and each relationship can fluctuate in how intimacy shows up in them. If you have a relationship that has different types of intimacy included within it, it might mean you feel more secure within that relationship. For instance, you might experience physical, emotional, and intellectual intimacy with a friend or creative, intellectual, and social intimacy with a coworker.
The following are ten types of intimacy in relationships:
1. Physical Intimacy
Physical intimacy, often called sexual intimacy, is when we engage in meaningful, consensual physical interactions. Physical intimacy includes sexual intercourse, however, it is not limited to touch associated with sex. Physical touch has many benefits thanks to the hormone oxytocin, which is why it feels relaxing and enjoyable.
Oxytocin is our connection hormone that creates a positive, calming effect when physically interacting with someone we feel comfortable with. It’s important to relationships because it deepens the connection and alleviates loneliness.
Examples of physical intimacy include:
- Cuddling
- Hugging
- Kissing
- Sexual intercourse
- Massages
- Holding hands
- Handshakes
2. Emotional Intimacy
Emotional intimacy is the ability to express your feelings, whether positive or negative and for this vulnerable expression to be received with validation and understanding. Learning emotional intimacy early on in life is said to be the foundation of being able to create long-lasting, satisfying relationships throughout adulthood.
To maintain an emotionally intimate relationship, there needs to be a sense of safety. Creating a safe space can look like respecting the person’s emotions, providing a listening ear, meeting their vulnerability, and showing up for them when they reach out.
Examples of emotional intimacy include:
- Having a conversation with your partner about what you want out of the relationship
- Sharing private thoughts with a friend during deep conversations
- Communicating when something causes you distress
- Opening up about your traumas or difficult experiences
- Letting a partner or friend know your hopes and dreams
- Reaching out to a person when you’re experiencing a life crisis
3. Intellectual Intimacy
Intellectual intimacy, also known as mental intimacy, is when there is a clear understanding of one another and an interest in each other’s hobbies and experiences. Intellectual intimacy can occur in any relationship and increases enjoyment and connection when this form of intimacy is present.
Some individuals even find this form of intimacy the most attractive or arousing, referred to as sapiosexual. They are most attracted to a person’s intelligence. It is possible for individuals to be more interested in or to prioritize different forms of intimacy in their relationships. This is completely normal.
Examples of intellectual intimacy include:
- Friends or couples read and discuss a book together to get each other’s opinion
- Disagreeing about the plot of a movie but understanding it’s opinion based
- Having a debate on a new scientific theory
- Seeking out a person for their feedback
- Making plans together
- Sharing your favorite music or art
- Planning a work project together
- Learning a new language together
4. Spiritual Intimacy
Spiritual intimacy is when a person shares similar beliefs. Shared beliefs might be devoted to a specific religion or more universal. These beliefs can also be focused more towards a set of values and ethics.
Spiritual intimacy is important in relationships because it allows for a deep personal connection around a shared appreciation of life and the world around us. If beliefs and interests around spirituality don’t align, it can be a difficult topic to discuss.
Examples of spiritual intimacy include:
- Watching the sunrise together
- Reading passages from your religious text together before bed
- Going to spiritual services together
- Volunteer or give together
- Engage in meditation together
5. Experiential Intimacy
Experiential intimacy is when you enjoy engaging in leisure activities together. Many other forms of intimacy cross over into this form of intimacy. You create experiential intimacy when you reach out to someone to spend time with them while doing something you both enjoy on an emotional, physical, or mental level.
Examples of experiential intimacy include:
- Trying something new with your partner
- Preparing a meal with a family member or friend
- Putting together a Lego set with your child
- Trying a new restaurant with a coworker
- Dressing up and going to a nostalgic movie with a friend
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6. Social Intimacy
Social intimacy is being able to be open, honest, and to confide with another person. The ability to reach out and know that this person will understand you, not even solely based on your verbal communication, but will even understand any underlying experiences and is attuned to your body language. Social intimacy isn’t only limited to long-term relationships, it can be experienced with your partner at work, a friend you met during a vacation tour, or between you and the barista with whom you order coffee every morning.
Social intimacy is important due to our social natures and inherent need to connect. A study supports this by showing that women who have recently gone through a stressful life event and have a confidant show fewer signs of depression than those who do not.3
Examples of social intimacy include:
- Calling a friend after a rough day at work
- Texting your partner to tell them about the funny thing that happened
- Calling a parent to see how their week has been
- Showing your co-worker pictures of your family trip
7. Creative Intimacy
Creative intimacy is exactly as it sounds: being creative with your family, friends, or anyone that you experience a level of comfort and connectedness with. By engaging creatively, you embark on a shared experience that can strengthen your connectedness, amongst many other forms of intimacy. Creative intimacy comes in a variety of outlets.
Examples of creative intimacy include:
- Going to Karaoke with a friend
- Painting with your partner
- Repairing and rebuilding an old car with a parent or child
- Reading poetry with a loved one
- Brainstorming ideas with a coworker
8. Conflict Intimacy
Conflict intimacy is when a couple clearly understands and respects each other’s differences. Conflict intimacy is important in any relationship because it allows for each person to maintain their own autonomy and individual beliefs while still being able to maintain a healthy relationship.
According to researchers, including Dr. John Gottman, conflict is necessary in any healthy relationship and even inevitable.4 If a person can disagree with someone, communicate on it, and come to an agreement or respectful compromise, this is conflict intimacy.
Examples of conflict intimacy include:
- Discussing each other’s different life values
- Having different religious views and having an understanding of both
- Disagreeing on an approach at work and addressing this with the coworker to run ideas by each other
- Having different political views from your friend and honoring each other’s choices and space with this
9. Aesthetic Intimacy
Aesthetic intimacy is when you have a shared appreciation of the beauty of something with another person. You can look at something and take it in together and have mutual enjoyment without judgment or shame.
Examples of aesthetic intimacy include:
- Enjoying a play with a friend
- Going to a museum and appreciating the art with your partner
- Taking in the grandeur of the Grand Canyon with your family
- Finding yourself in the zone with your band during a show
10. Work Intimacy
Work or corporate intimacy can increase your work/life satisfaction by creating a more open and comfortable work environment. When a working relationship goes from surface level to having a comrade you can trust to provide constructive feedback, to allow a safe space to vent, and who puts effort into spending time with you, work becomes a place you might enjoy.
Examples of work intimacy include:
- Sharing insight into who you are as an individual with your coworkers
- Eating together, whether at the office or not
- Reaching out and seeking feedback
- Offering constructive feedback when requested
- Engaging in friendly, light-hearted banter
- Celebrating birthdays and checking in on a coworker if they have shared a hardship they are going through
Positive Impacts of Intimacy
Since we are naturally social creatures and gain so much from our social connections, like safety, support, and an increase in positive hormones like oxytocin and serotonin, intimate relationships are vital to our survival.
When we have intimate relationships, we feel validated. We open ourselves up to learn from others and to grow with them. Our need for physical, emotional, and intellectual intimacy does not decrease with age. Meeting this need can lower stress levels, minimize health risks, combat depression, and even increase lifespans.5
Benefits of intimacy in relationships may include:
- Improved physical health: Decreases stress levels, promotes quicker healing from illness and surgery, and increases oxytocin and other beneficial hormones.
- Increased relationship satisfaction: Promotes feeling safe, being vulnerable, and connecting. It allows us to have disagreements and maintain a healthy, respectful relationship.
- Improved mental health: Increases our ability to reach out to others when we are struggling and gives us a sense of community.
- Better sex life: All the studies and evidence show that increased intimacy leads to increased sexual satisfaction. Feeling comfortable and secure with someone allows the barriers to go down and the libido to go up.
- Get more out of life: As relationships become more open, there is an opportunity to explore others’ interests and learn new things from them. Experience different cultures, hobbies, and challenge values and beliefs from a growth mindset.
Obstacles When Forming Intimacy
When we are in relationships without feeling heard, seen, or respected, there tends to be much arguing and resentment. This creates a wall that keeps intimacy out. If this goes on for too long, intimacy, in any form, might seem out of reach.
If we reach out in an attempt to connect and are met with what researchers termed “turning towards,” “turning away,” or “turning against,”6 it can be an indicator of the level of intimacy within that relationship. For example, if someone is leaning in and asks how your weekend was, you can turn towards and share your experience, turn away and shrug and ignore the question, or turn against and tell the person to mind their business. If we find ourselves frequently engaging in the last two, then there may be some barriers to intimacy.
Problems that may cause intimacy issues include:
- Conflict: Interpersonal conflict can be a major barrier to intimacy. If there are grudges and resentment due to things going uncommunicated or resolved, intimacy will inevitably be impacted.
- Stress: When stress is involved, we tend to be on edge, moody, and distracted. If we aren’t willing or able to connect with others, we can get stuck in these patterns and push others away.
- Communication problems: If there are challenges with communicating our needs and boundaries and engaging respectfully towards each other’s differences and disagreements, intimacy will not be able to develop.
- Fear of intimacy: If we have any interpersonal traumas from our past, this can also bar us from feeling comfortable or safe to open up to intimacy, leading to a fear of intimacy.
Sex & Intimacy Counseling for Couples
Receive online counseling in a safe, unbiased space from a licensed therapist. BetterHelp starts at $65 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for your relationship!
Tips for Building Intimacy in Relationships
Suppose you are noticing that there might be a lack of intimacy within your relationships. In that case, it might be time to look inward and see what is blocking you from feeling safe or comfortable to connect more intimately. This could look like sharing more about yourself with others or your partner, letting them into your world, interests, dislikes, struggles, and dreams.
Start prioritizing your relationships by reaching out to them. Include them in your ideas and plans. By showing vulnerability, you are creating a safe place for them to feel comfortable doing the same.
Below are tips for building intimacy in your relationships:
Physical Intimacy
Start slow and find a pace you’re comfortable with when exploring physical intimacy and what works for you. Explore your boundaries with people you are comfortable with. If you are struggling with insecurities around physical intimacy, start by exploring your body and what physical touch feels like. Give yourself a massage, put lotion on your skin, or engage in masturbation. If this isn’t working and the issues go deeper, consider sex therapy.
Emotional Intimacy
To build emotional intimacy with your partner, dedicate time to each other every week. Be intentional to be vulnerable with emotions during this time, give encouragement and validation, and let them know you are taking in what they are saying. Be consistent to build trust and let them know you are there for them no matter what.
Intellectual Intimacy
Be open about your interests and allow for curiosity. Express an interest in what others find fascinating. Again, be vulnerable. To be intellectually intimate, there has to be openness. Talk about your hobbies, why you enjoy them, and what value you get from them.
Spiritual Intimacy
Discuss your spiritual beliefs with your friends and partner and ask questions about theirs. Share your values and identify where these align. Once you know the similarities, you can begin to connect on this level. Attend spiritual events together, connect with the Earth, ask them for prayer when life is hard, or invite them to yoga classes with you.
Experiential Intimacy
Create a bucket list and allow others to join you in completing it. Allow your partner to join you in exploring new parks or trying new places to eat. If you aren’t sure what interests you, join others in experiencing things – this can open you up to new interests while also deepening your connection within the relationship.
Creative Intimacy
Tap into your creative mind and invite others to join you. Share music with coworkers that you find relaxing or that helps you focus. Express yourself to your loved one by writing and reading poetry with them. There are endless ways to engage creatively with someone you feel secure with.
Social Intimacy
If you struggle, allow yourself to reach out and confide in someone. This promotes vulnerability and a sense of connection and allows the other person to lean into you with trust in the future. The beauty of this is that it doesn’t always have to be in crisis, reach out to them when you are excited, when you just got that promotion at work, or you made a funny video of your cat.
Work Intimacy
To increase intimacy at work, identify people you feel you have things in common with and feel comfortable giving and receiving feedback to and focus your energy into these relationships. Ask for feedback on the project you have been sweating over, schedule Friday lunch breaks with them, or start a group chat to send midday memes for a mental break.
Conflict Intimacy
Work to identify the recurring issues. Look inward to see what comes up for you with this issue, is there any inner work that needs to be done? Acknowledge your communication and conflict style and take accountability for your role. Work to address the situation and communicate through it to a resolution.
Aesthetic Intimacy
Identify things that you find visually appealing. It could be places, views, and images that cause a positive feeling and might even be hard to look away from. Allow yourself to include your partner in this experience with you. Watch the sunset or sunrise together, or sit and take in your kids playing in the backyard together.
When to Seek Professional Help
You realize that you’re keeping everyone at arm’s length, maybe only engaging in small talk, keeping it surface-level. Maybe you’re even wondering if you have sexual anorexia because you dread sexual intimacy for whatever reason. These could be signs that it is time to seek additional support from a therapist. You can find a therapist using an online therapist directory. If you feel lonely in your relationship, lack connection, and struggle to identify with any forms of intimacy above, then it might be time to consider seeing a couples and marriage counselor.
In My Experience
In my experience, intimacy is a key element to any secure relationship, and each involves one or more types. Intimacy in all its forms has so many benefits and allows us to connect on a deeper level with ourselves and those around us. It opens us up to enjoy and take in different aspects of the world.
If you are struggling with intimacy, reach out to a professional. We all need someone to look to for support and safety. Open yourself up to the opportunities of having intimate relationships with others.
Additional Resources
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