Physical intimacy includes any physical contact ranging from holding hands to sexual intercourse. It can be as small as a shoulder brush to cuddles and caressing. Physical intimacy can build and is built on trust and create feelings of warmth, bonding, and closeness between people. It contributes to emotional well-being and a sense of fulfillment in many different types of relationships.
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What Is Physical Intimacy?
Physical intimacy may conjure up images of sexual intimacy since these two concepts are related, but they’re not interchangeable. Physical intimacy is a type of intimacy that involves touch and closeness between individuals, while sexual intimacy specifically refers to a specific type of physical intimacy, including sexual intercourse. Physical intimacy can be a part of various different types of relationships, such as between mother and child, close friends, or family members. Examples of non-sexual physical intimacy include hugs, cuddles, eye gaze, hand holding, or simply sitting beside one another.
Physical intimacy is often grown over time as comfort between individuals solidifies. Physical intimacy is common in close friendships as a way to express emotional connection and support for one another. Examples of physical intimacy in friendships may include hugs, leaning on one another, braiding each other’s hair, or adjusting clothing. Physical intimacy should always be consensual and respectful of each other’s boundaries.
Types of physical intimacy include:
- Leaning on another person
- Massaging
- Hugging
- Holding hands
- Dancing together
- Kissing (on head, cheeks, lips, etc)
- Cuddling
- Sleeping or napping together
- Backrubs
- Foreplay
- Bathing with your partner
- Sexual intercourse
Stages of Physical Intimacy
Physical intimacy research shows that tactile and somatic communication, also known as physical intimacy actions, can be broken down into types or stages.1 Many relationships remain in the least connected stages of intimacy, but closer relationships such as familial, close colleagues, or lovers often progress past the first three stages. Some cultures are more comfortable with signals of physical intimacy (for example, kissing cheeks as a greeting). Not every relationship that reaches the most intimate stage of physical intimacy (sexual intercourse) will progress through each stage.
The stages of physical intimacy are:
- Eye to Body: This is the first stage of physical intimacy, where two people make eye contact and become aware of each other’s presence as a whole. You notice their attributes, how they look, their smile, and how you feel when you take in the other person’s body.
- Eye to Eye: You lock eyes, you intentionally hold each other’s gaze or brush eye contact.
- Voice to Voice: You speak to each other, perhaps exchange personal information and begin to get to know each other, including via text or online. This is often a building block of emotional intimacy
- Hand to Hand: This stage of physical intimacy involves touching hands, either accidentally or intentionally. Hand-to-hand or arm contact involves crossing into each other’s physical space. Holding hands is a commonplace signifier of closeness in a relationship to the outside world.
- Arm to Shoulder: Placing an arm around another’s shoulder is an intimate act. This gesture can also signal to the outside world your closeness.
- Arm to Waist: This stage involves touching the waist or lower back of the other person. This stage shows even further closeness and comfort with each other.
- Mouth to Mouth: This stage involves kissing either on parts of the face or kissing on the lips.
- Hand to Head: Touching another’s head is very intimate, examples include running your hand through another’s hair, wiping away tears, or caressing their face.
- Hand to Body: For romantic relationships, this may mark the beginning of foreplay, and signals significant comfort around each other. You may be exploring each other’s body.
- Mouth to Torso: Examples of the mouth-to-torso stage include kissing another’s neck or belly and maybe moving towards oral sexual intercourse. As with any other stage, you can decide to discontinue the physical intimacy, and checking in with the other is a necessary part of this stage.
- Sexual Intercourse: Sexual intercourse or genitals to genitals marks physical union.
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Benefits of Physical Intimacy in Relationship
Physical intimacy has numerous benefits, most notably by strengthening emotional bonds- it reinforces a sense of safety, closeness, and affection in relationships. Physical intimacy has also been shown to have physiological effects such as lowering cortisol levels, reducing stress and anxiety, and releasing endorphins such as oxytocin. Studies have also shown that physical intimacy improves immune function (antibody IgA increased secretion) and reduces blood pressure.2, 3
People who experience physical intimacy have improved sleep and it has been shown to increase sexual satisfaction (especially when partners prolong earlier stages of intimacy before intercourse). Physical intimacy can improve pain tolerance and pain relief.4 Increased physical intimacy is associated with higher satisfaction rates in relationships.5
If someone doesn’t receive enough physical intimacy, they may feel touched starved, which can intensify cravings for physical contact with another person. Touch starvation can amplify feelings of loneliness, isolation, hopelessness, and depressive symptoms. If your life lacks physical intimacy, reach out to trusted friends and loved ones or seek out a professional counselor or therapist.
5 Ways to Know If There’s Enough Physical Intimacy in Your Relationship
Each couple and individual within a relationship may have varying experiences with physical intimacy and need different levels of physical intimacy. There is no right or wrong answer for how much intimacy is enough and each couple must decide what works best for them.6 You’ll likely know you’ve had enough physical intimacy when you begin to feel a sense of tactile overwhelm, a desire for more space, or you start to withdraw from the other. If you don’t feel you can bring these concerns up to your partner, take that as a sign that you are not feeling emotionally or physically safe in the relationship.
Below are five signs you and your partner have enough physical intimacy:
1. You Know What You Need
In all relationships, you should have agency over your physical needs and boundaries. Ask yourself- how do I feel about physical intimacy? Does your relationship history or attachment history guide and inform your physical intimacy needs? Do you get overstimulated easily by physical intimacy? Upon doing a deep introspection, perhaps with the help of a professional, you can communicate your needs more clearly with others. Perhaps you enjoy hugs, but extended eye contact overwhelms you- these are helpful insights to share with your partner. Clear communication will help all individuals feel empowered and safe in physical intimacy and strengthen your bond with the other. Healthy communication enhances romantic relationships and allows individuals to feel emotionally and physically intimate with each other.
2. You Use Touch as a Form of Communication
Tactile touch as communication is a common and often appropriate means of expressing affection and closeness. The ability to hug an old coworker or pat the back of a close neighbor is an important cue of closeness and care. Those who are struggling to receive physical intimacy may be more likely to misread social situations and initiate physical intimacy in relationships where the other doesn’t feel safety has been built- keep in mind that your sense of closeness may be on your own timeline. Always check in and request feedback from others. Physical intimacy can reinforce and strengthen emotional intimacy, which is the sense of being understood, seen, and known by another after getting to know each other. Physical intimacy and all of the physiological impacts can bring an emotionally intimate relationship closer.
3. How to Discuss Your Physical Intimacy Needs
Depending on how you were raised and how physical intimacy was modeled in those around you, it may be uncomfortable to directly address your physical needs. Check-in with yourself- does the time you spend with others feel fulfilling and rewarding? Do you leave feeling closer and more aligned? If not, ask yourself do I feel like I am being heard, witnessed, and received? Are you constantly wishing your friend, date, or family member would give you a hug or physical comfort? Are you finding infrequent physical contact stressful and/or wishing for more or less physical closeness?
4. You Don’t Crave Physical Touch
Many people report feeling satisfied in relationships without physical touch. Perhaps you find it overwhelming when physically caressed or in close proximity; many individuals with varying histories (who may identify as neurodivergent) do not require frequent physical touch. There is no shame in one type of preference over another. Address what you believe is expected of you in a relationship and acknowledge any hesitations or fears in being physically intimate with others.
5. You’re Satisfied With Your Sex Life
Individuals who spend a lot of time in the earlier stages of physical intimacy reported increased physical satisfaction beyond sexual intimacy or orgasm. Consider your partner’s perspective, perhaps they would like to hear about your satisfaction, gratitude, and/or closeness. If you feel comfortable giving feedback, open communication leads to greater awareness of each other.
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Receive online counseling in a safe, unbiased space from a licensed therapist. BetterHelp starts at $65 per week and is FSA/HSA eligible by most providers. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for your relationship!
Common Physical Intimacy Issues
Physical intimacy can have many barriers, including differing cultural beliefs about physical intimacy, touch, gender, and sexuality. Individuals with trauma histories and differing attachment styles vary greatly in tolerance and scope of interest for physical intimacy. Barriers to physical intimacy include mistrust of the other, hierarchy, conflict, and fears of being rejected by the other. Some people struggle with intimacy anorexia, meaning they withhold emotional, physical, or spiritual intimacy often as a self-protective measure or out of habitual stress responses. Those with physical or emotional intimacy abuse may be particularly reluctant to build closeness with others.
It is normal and understandable to grieve when the people who are close to you pull away from physical intimacy. You can address these concerns with the individual directly (“I’ve been noticing you don’t like to hold my hand. Can you share more about your experiences around this type of intimacy?”) or grieve/negotiate your physical intimacy needs with the help of a professional. Those who have challenges with social anxiety, OCD symptoms, agoraphobia, or certain religious or political worldviews may be less likely to feel comfortable with physical intimacy. It is also common for those with disabilities, medical conditions, and/or past negative experiences with physical intimacy to be more hesitant when building physical intimacy.
Fears and barriers to physical intimacy include:
- Having sexual intercourse too soon in a relationship: Premature sex often means intimacy hasn’t been established and so the act will not be one of intimate sex. Having sex without intimacy may build a sense of mistrust, awkwardness, or concern about the safety or goals of the relationship.
- Fear of being touched: Many individuals with trauma struggle with fear of touch, increased startle responses, and a pervasive sense of danger when close to another.
- Fear of losing control: Physical intimacy may trigger an individual’s fear of losing control, not being safe, and/or fear of sense of control being taken away from them.
- Fear of intimacy: There are many reasons someone might fear of intimacy. Some discomfort while building closeness in a relationship is common for most people, but if you fear intimacy, it is helpful to address with the other person or a professional directly.
- Relational Trauma: If you’ve had experiences with untrustworthy individuals or relationships, you may expect similar abuse or pain in future relationships. Unresolved grief and trauma responses can stop you from building secure attachments.
- Cultural factors and environment: Context is key! Physical intimacy may not be appropriate in certain settings, such as places of worship or certain cultures.
- Conflict in the relationship: You may feel less willing to be physically intimate with others if they disappoint or frustrate you. If your emotional intimacy is under duress (for example, someone lied to you) it may be more challenging to build physical intimacy.
When to Seek Professional Help
Professional help is often very helpful for couples navigating differing physical intimacy needs as many people don’t have the words to directly address their intimacy needs. A helpful couples therapist acts like a process consultant, helping to clarify where you get stuck in disconnection and miscommunication. Sex therapy, couples counseling/marriage counseling, and individual therapy can greatly help with challenges in your relationship with physical intimacy. An online therapist directory can help start your search for a therapist.
Increasing awareness about your beliefs and history around physical intimacy through talk-therapy and/or EMDR can greatly improve your relationship to physical intimacy. Like everything in psychotherapy, to grow and change, there may be discomfort and risk in self-exploration. Online marriage counseling via teletherapy is also effective, and many find teletherapy more accessible as you manage two people’s schedules. You can look for a therapist with specialized training in either emotionally focussed couples therapy, Gottman Method, and/or therapy with a sex therapist.
In My Experience
In my experience as a couples therapist, when a couple or any two individuals in any relationship enter my office, I often can tell a lot about their relationship from their body language and signs of physical intimacy. Are they sitting on the far ends of the couch, or can they not stop locking eyes and leaning all over each other? Physical intimacy, even just brushing hands when emotions are high, can reduce our physiological stress responses even when the discussion is upsetting. I often help individuals return for a physically intimate moment (looking into each other’s eyes, holding hands, or just sitting close to each other) even if a conflict is not yet resolved because our body will find the physical intimacy soothing to our sympathetic (fight-flight-freeze-fawn) response and allow us to move towards parasympathetic (rest, reset, digest).
You can expand your definition of physical intimacy by asking yourself about your physical intimacy history. Self-reflection prompts can include: Do I like eye gazing? What have my experiences with physical intimacy looked like? Am I particularly hesitant, or notice a response to any of the above stages? What does physical intimacy mean to me and my social circle? In discussing changes in relationships, be open to hearing and taking in that others may have different thoughts on physical intimacy. Challenges with physical intimacy may result from chronic, habitual misattunement (or conflict in attachment styles and love languages) and/or relational and sexual trauma. If you find physical intimacy overwhelming, I suggest working with a professional. Physical intimacy is very important to both emotional and physical well-being.
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