Celebrating holidays during bereavement is hard. Many people who are grieving find this time of year to be particularly challenging. From attending a grief support group to opting out of the holidays altogether, there are many things you can do to support yourself through the holiday season.
While coping with grief and loss can be particularly difficult during the holidays, there are things you can do to support yourself. Remember that what works for you may be different than what works for other people who are grieving the same loss. And what works for you might shift and change over time.
When it comes to getting through grief during the holidays, check in often with yourself about what is and isn’t working. Tap into your own intuition about what grief rituals and practices will help you, and give yourself the space and time to do what works best for you.
Here are 28 tips that may help you deal with grief during the holidays:
1. Feel Your Feelings
Best as you can, allow yourself to feel your feelings as they come up. Grief often brings up varied and sometimes conflicting emotions. You may feel inexpressibly sad in one moment, and full of holiday cheer the next. All of your feelings are valid, and there is space for them all. Give yourself permission to feel without judgment.
It is especially important to allow yourself to feel any challenging emotions, such as sadness, rage, or disappointment. Feelings that go unacknowledged and unexpressed often build up. The stress of the holiday season may exacerbate this until those feelings explode.
Try to give yourself the space and time to acknowledge and express whatever feelings are coming up for you as they come up. It can be helpful to start a grief journal to work through some of the emotions that may feel more difficult to express.
2. Be Specific & Write Out Your Emotions
“One of the tips that I would recommend trying out is to identify the various emotions and describe what they are about before the holiday occasion. I will sometimes suggest that people literally make a list of the emotions that they feel as they think about the holiday, or that they might feel when they engage in the holiday.
When we are able to name the emotions that are showing up in us, the unknown becomes known, which makes the situation more manageable. This in turn helps us better navigate the difficult holiday season.” – Myriame Lyons, MA RCC CCC
3. Don’t Resist the Grief
“Resistance to grief increases suffering and can even go as far as to expand it to the point of distorting what the holidays can offer us in the here and now. Resistance reveals our fear of grief, loss, and change and can leave us feeling victimized so that the holidays take on a focus of avoidance, losing the light that they may still offer us.” – Mark Bigley, LCSW
4. Show Yourself Self-compassion
“Acknowledge that it’s going to be hard to get through these holidays and that’s ok. If you feel up to going to a friend’s or family member’s home, go—but if you don’t, give yourself a pass to stay home and not celebrate.” – Dorlee Michaeli, MBA, LCSW
5. Take Care of Your Body
Grief is often a very physical experience. It can affect everything from your sleep to how, what, and when you eat. As much as you can, practice self-care. Get enough sleep and make time for naps if you need them. Eat nourishing food and drink plenty of water.
Exercise as you have the energy and spend some time outdoors during the day. The mind-body connection is powerful, and taking care of your physical self can help you as you grieve.
6. Ask for Help & Support
The holiday season often adds additional tasks to people’s to-do lists that can be overwhelming at the best of times. When you’re grieving, holiday tasks such as shopping for presents or decorating may feel like too much. If the task is one that is important to you but that you don’t have the energy to complete, ask a friend or family member for help.
7. Tell Others What You Need as Specifically as Possible
“The holidays may be a time to slow down, to connect, and perform traditions. But what happens when someone you love may not be there? When experiencing loss on special days, you have full permission to note what was, what is, and what you want the future to be in honor of the people who cannot make it.” – Lashara Shaw, LPC
8. Do Something to Help Someone Else
“I have always found that helping others is the best way to ease our own pain, including grief. Helping people was definitely one of the ways I got through losing my husband very tragically early in my career, when the holidays were especially hard. Visit a nursing home holiday event, help serve a holiday meal at a soup kitchen, donate gifts to a family in need. Bring over holiday pie to an elderly neighbor, invite someone who has nowhere to go to your Thanksgiving meal (safely, of course).” – Dr. Sam Von Reiche
9. Honor Them With a Simple Tradition
“Coordinate a tradition of remembrance for the person who has passed. This can help feel like the holidays go on with that person’s memory, which can prevent the guilt of feeling like you are moving on without your loved one. The tradition does not have to be extravagant, it can be as simple as having that person’s favorite dessert on the table every year, or making sure their famous recipe/tradition continues through the following years.” – GinaMarie Guarino, LMHC, Licensed Mental Health Counselor at PsychPoint
10. Start New Traditions
Change up what the holidays look like. Sometimes trying to replicate past holidays can feel awkward, strange, or deeply sad in the wake of a loss. This may be particularly true of certain traditions if the person who has died played a key role, such as always carving the turkey or putting up holiday lights.
Consider changing things up if the idea of carrying on traditions without your loved one doesn’t feel right. Brainstorm with other family members or friends who usually participate in your celebrations.
11. Honor Old Traditions & Memories
As important as new traditions are, you’ll want to hang on to the rituals, habits, and routines of the past. Find ways to maintain some of the most meaningful and appreciated traditions. Even if they require slight modifications, they will maintain a connection to your loved ones.
12. Surround Yourself With Those That Love You
“Being around people can be hard at first, however, when you are around people that can help you celebrate the spirit of the loved one, it allows you to feel safe to be vulnerable and live out your true feelings.” – Shawndrika Cook, LPC
13. Attend a Support Group
Many people find the holiday season more challenging when they are grieving. Local community centers and religious organizations often offer grief support groups. Connecting with others who are grieving can help provide a sense of understanding and mutual support.
In addition to local support groups that meet in person, there are also online support groups. Look to connect with others who have experienced a loss similar to yours (e.g., loss of a spouse, or loss of a loved one to cancer).
14. Set Healthy Expectations & Boundaries
Set yourself up for success by setting realistic expectations for yourself and others. If it seems impossible to think about getting through the holidays without shedding a tear, don’t expect that from yourself. Practicing kindness and fairness to all parties will make the holidays more successful.
15. Communicate Those Expectations Clearly
Loss affects many people, and each person has their own unique experience of grief. It’s important to communicate clearly with others around the expectations for the holiday season. You might consider having a family meeting where everyone can voice their needs, wants, and preferences.
Remember that everyone’s grieving process is unique to them, and what you each want and need during this time may look different. Creating an open and ongoing dialogue can help everyone navigate the holiday season and honor each person’s capacity for how, when, and in what ways they participate.
16. Talk With Your Children
Talking with your kids about grief can be just as difficult as explaining death to a child. It’s important to remember to talk to your children in ways that are developmentally appropriate. Let them know that this holiday season might feel a little (or a lot) different. Validate for them that whatever they feel is OK, and encourage them to express and communicate their feelings as they’re ready.
Do your best to model this for them as well. If you are able to acknowledge and communicate your feelings, children will feel safer in doing the same. This will help them feel heard and supported in their grief.
17. Include Your Children In Planning
Allow your children to voice their wants and needs for what the holiday season will look like. If they feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed at the idea of participating in certain holiday traditions (e.g., a family church service or a neighborhood holiday gathering), consider allowing them to pass. Work with them to find ways they can be involved in the holiday season that honor their wants and needs.
Children aren’t always aware of the conversations going on around the person who has died and adults’ grief, and it can appear to them that no one is remembering or grieving their loss.5 Setting aside time and creating rituals around remembrance can reassure them that their loss and grief are real and valid.
18. Opt Out of the Holidays
If the idea of celebrating anything feels too overwhelming, consider opting out of holiday celebrations. Take a trip, have a movie marathon, or spend the day immersed in a favorite hobby. It’s OK not to feel like celebrating. Honor your capacity and allow yourself the flexibility to do what feels best for you. Be sure to clearly communicate your plans with others so everyone is on the same page.
19. Socialize as You Feel Able
The holiday season is full of gatherings and parties. It might feel good to go to a big party with people you know and love, but it might also feel overwhelming. If you receive an invitation to a gathering, ask the host if it’s OK if you accept or decline at the last minute. Check in with yourself as it gets closer and do what feels right.
Consider bringing a friend or family member who can help you navigate the gathering if going on your own feels like too much. Once you arrive, don’t feel like you have to stay the whole time. Give yourself the flexibility to leave whenever you are ready to go.
20. Limit Your Amount of In-store Shopping
“Limit your time in stores during the first and even the second holiday season while you’re grieving. The holiday music and decorations could end up being triggered. It’s certainly healthier to avoid crowds these days, anyway.” – Dr. Sam Von Reiche
21. Change Your Scenery
“A lot of times people who grieve during the holidays, stay where they experienced that grief which creates a heaviness of the grief, which leads to depression, and isolation. When you change your scenery you now have to develop thoughts on how you will engage with the things around you that may be unfamiliar to you.” – Shawndrika Cook, LPC
22. Volunteer or Donate to Charity
Part of forming new traditions could involve volunteering or becoming involved in charities. After all, the holidays are a time of goodwill and generosity, so these acts fit into the season perfectly. In the best cases, you can use your efforts to support a cause your loved one was passionate about.
23. Make a Plan A & Plan B
Experiencing the ebbs and flows of grief often requires flexibility. Making plans can feel difficult because it’s hard to predict how you’ll feel on any particular day. Making a Plan A and Plan B can help you better honor your capacity and allow the ebbs and flows of grief to be experienced more freely.
For example, Plan A might include attending a holiday gathering with friends. Plan B might include inviting one friend over to watch a movie or share a meal instead. On the day of, if you don’t feel up to the gathering, you have another plan in place you can enjoy instead.
24. Be Aware of Your Alcohol Intake
The holiday season can be correlated with an increase in alcohol consumption. This is a common way people try to self-medicate or modify their emotional state. When you’re grieving, the intensity of your feelings may make alcohol feel like a particularly welcome escape, and the frequent abundance of it during the holidays may make it easier to indulge.
If you choose to drink, be mindful of how much and how often you’re drinking. Check in with yourself to see what’s driving the decision to have a drink. If it’s driven by a desire to numb or check-out, say no to the drink and reach out for other support (e.g., talking to a friend, getting some exercise, taking a nap).
25. Honor Your Loved One
There are many ways you can remember and honor your loved one during the holiday season. Be creative and check in with yourself about what feels right. It can be helpful to communicate plans for remembering your loved one with other family members and friends who are grieving the loss as well. Be sure to include children.
Here are ideas for how to honor loved ones during the holidays:
- Set a place for them at the table
- Light a candle for them
- Say a prayer for them
- Talk a short walk
- Set aside time to reminisce and share memories with family and friends
- Create a holiday scrapbook of pictures or other mementos from past holidays
- Make memorial ornaments or wreaths
- Make a favorite recipe of theirs
- Visit their grave site or place of rest
- Watch a holiday movie or TV show they loved
- Make a toast during a holiday meal in remembrance of them
- Make a donation in their memory to a cause that was important to them
- Set up a memory table and place pictures, mementos, and/or notes to your loved one
- Hang a stocking in memory of your loved one, and invite friends and family members to put notes to them inside
26. Light a Candle
“Lighting a candle in honor of your loved ones is a great way to deal with grief during the holidays. It allows you to be reminded that their light still shines as long as you are alive.” – Shawndrika Cook, LPC
27. Don’t Rush Your Grief
“Try to remember that grief isn’t something you need to rush through or push away. Recalling fond memories of previous holidays when your loved one was here can be a healthy part of this holiday. Tears may also take a seat at the holiday table. Living fully and within your values even through a loss may feel challenging but it is part of a rich life.” – Lori Ryland, Ph.D., LP, CAADC, CCS, BCBA-D, Chief Clinical Officer of Pinnacle Treatment Centers
28. Talk to a Therapist
Talking with a therapist can help you identify and address any mental health concerns. A therapist can also provide a safe, non-judgemental space to process your grief, offering tools and perspectives that are tailored for your experience.
Grief, especially traumatic grief, can sometimes trigger or exacerbate mental health conditions such anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).2 Sometimes, strong feelings of sadness make it difficult to tell if you’re experiencing grief vs. depression (or both). Additionally, many people also experience challenges to their mental health during the colder, darker months of the winter seasons, which is referred to as seasonal affective disorder (SAD).
How to Find a Therapist
If you’re ready to consider finding a therapist, know that it can really offer you support during this time of grief. Start your search for the right match in an online therapist directory. Ask people you know, too. Friends and family who are grieving the same loss or who have grieved a previous loss may have recommendations for good therapists in your area.
Grief Is Hard During Any Season
Grief can be challenging no matter the time of year. The grieving process impacts your emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual health.3,4 Many people experience grieving as a process that ebbs and flows with some days (or even minutes) feeling harder than others. This can be even more difficult if you’re experiencing an ambiguous loss.
In addition to the unique and natural ebbs and flows of each person’s grieving process, many people experience a more intense feeling of grief at specific times or dates. These include death anniversaries, marriage anniversaries, birthdays, and major events such as graduations or weddings.
How the Holidays Exacerbate Feelings of Grief & Loss
The holiday season is often portrayed as being full of good cheer, hopefulness, and connection; however, when you’re grieving, the sense of discord between your experience of grief and the “vibes” of the holiday season can exacerbate your feelings of grief and loss.
If you spend more time with friends and family who are grieving the same loss, like the death of a grandparent, you may feel your own grief more intensely or notice that you’re holding yours as well as theirs. Conversely, spending time with people who aren’t grieving may make you feel more isolated.
Final Thoughts on Grief During the Holidays
Of course, the holidays are times of togetherness and joy, but you can allow yourself to grieve during the holidays as well. Grief and loss are undesirable, but they have a place during all times of year. Give yourself the permission to think, act, and feel what is helpful during the holidays.
Dealing With Grief During the Holidays Infographics
