Grief is a universal emotion after death, significant loss, or trauma. People experience grief in different ways with various symptoms at different levels of intensity. Delayed grief, also referred to as complicated grief, is when someone pushes off their grief reaction rather than dealing with it right away.1 Grief counseling can help to understand the best ways to cope with, understand, and manage delayed grief.
What Is Delayed Grief?
Delayed grief occurs when people postpone feelings of grief and loss. They may tell themselves that other people’s needs are more important than theirs and focus on taking care of them, but this is a way of trying to avoid their own painful feelings. Sudden loss may also create feelings of shock and numbness and a conscious or unconscious inability to cope with grief immediately.
There is no definitive timeline associated with grief and mourning. Delayed grief can occur weeks, months, or even years after loss. Examples of loss that might trigger delayed or complicated grief include the death of a parent, spouse, child, grandparent, or other loved one. People can’t heal from a loss of this magnitude until their feelings of grief are addressed.
Some people describe their grief in terms of stages (i.e., denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance), but not all grievers experience these stages; if they do, they may not necessarily be linear or in order.
Delayed Grief Symptoms
Grief can be overwhelming, intense, distressing, and traumatic.2 There are a wide range of experiences and trajectories for grief that include a mix of positive and negative emotions over time.3 The major difference between grief and delayed grief is that with “normal” grief, symptoms eventually subside in terms of frequency, duration, and intensity. Symptoms of delayed grief don’t diminish or tend to worsen.
Delayed grief symptoms include: 4
- Intense sadness, pain, and rumination
- Narrowed focus on the loss
- Extreme focus on reminders of the loved one; or excessive avoidance of reminders
- Intense and persistent longing
- Trouble accepting the death
- Numbness
- Increased isolation
- Increased anxiety
- Headaches
- Feelings of hopelessness
- Brain fog or grief brain
- Insomnia
- Episodes of unexplained anger or irritability
- Depression
What Causes Delayed Grief?
hese are many possible causes of delayed grief. For example, some people feel like the best way to handle their personal loss is to “keep busy” with work or other endeavors vs. go through the grief process.5 Other people consciously or unconsciously recognize the magnitude of the loss and block their feelings because they’re too painful and overwhelming; however, these feelings will eventually emerge.
People who are at higher risk for delayed grief include people who have had a history of depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), or a prior history of abuse. Risk for delayed grief also goes up if the nature if the loss was sudden or unexpected rather than anticipatory (e.g., murder, heart attack, car accident). The initial reaction in these circumstances is often shock or numbness and may lead to more intense grief.
Additionally, a sudden and unexpected loss may leave loved ones dealing with funeral or estate plans, or finding themselves as a single parent trying to balance work/parenting/life, all while trying to cope with the shock of the unexpected death. This can often lead to delayed grief.
People may also experience disenfranchised grief. This occurs when someone’s grief is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, or socially supported. Examples of this include people dying from suicide or drug overdose, or the loss of a child who is stillborn.
9 Ways to Cope With Delayed Grief
Delayed grief can be confusing for the person experiencing it. It does not follow traditionally accepted beliefs about the grief process. The emotions associated with delayed grief can emerge unexpectedly.
Here are nine ways to cope and heal when delayed grief occurs:
1. Grief Counseling
It is never too late to get grief counseling. When delayed grief happens it can be confusing, but counseling can help people understand whyit is happening, process their emotions, and establish coping mechanisms.
2. Find Places to Get Support
One of the best ways to cope with grief is to find a safe place to discuss it with a person or people you trust to listen without judgment (e.g., friend, family member, or someone in your place of worship). People also find grief support groups are a welcome source of comfort. Talking to other people with similar experience can reinforce that what you’re feeling is OK.
3. Show Yourself Kindness & Compassion
Don’t judge yourself harshly or feel ashamed for not grieving in a designated way. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Shock is an emotion that one may feel after an initial loss. It allows you to continue to function and complete practical necessary tasks.
4. Avoid Unhealthy Habits
Many people cope with painful emotions by doing things to numb their feelings. This includes alcohol and drug abuse, overeating, and social isolation. Avoid habits that don’t result in enhancing your mental and physical well-being.
5. Consider a Grief Journal
When people can’t identify or verbally express what they are feeling, they may find comfort from writing about it. Grief journals are a great tool to express feelings, emotions, and memories. It can be helpful to use grief journal prompts to more regularly journal and release emotions you can’t verbally express.
6. Incorporate Healthy Habits
Grief affects your mind and body. Because of it, people experience headaches, digestive issues, body tension, and loss of sleep. To cope with grief, healthy habits need to be a part of your daily routine. Get enough sleep, plan to exercise regularly, and eat healthy foods. Mindfulness activities like yoga, deep breathing, meditation can help heal your body and mind.
7. Give Yourself Permission to Grieve
Avoiding feelings because they are painful does not make them go away. This can result in emotions coming out in ways you don’t expect or intend. An example of this is internalized depression that can come out in the form of anger. Work on facing the feelings related to your grief with support mechanisms in place.
8. Honor the Memory of the Loved One Who Has Died
Memorial ceremonies and other grief rituals can offer a healing component and pay meaningful tribute to the loved one who has died. It offers a powerful way to share feelings and memories and be with others to share and support one another as you all cope with the loss.
9. Create Meaningful Ways to Remember the Person Who Has Died
One way to cope with grief is to anticipate difficult days like the anniversary someone died, birthdays, or other anniversaries. Inherently, these days evoke feelings of grief and loss, but they can also be a day to reflect or be with others. Meaningful ways to honor loved ones include visiting their grave, looking at old photos, reading their favorite poem, or writing down a favorite
Treatment For Delayed Grief
Delayed grief can cause strong emotions that make you feel trapped and stuck. If these feelings remain, intensify, or their presence negatively impacts your relationships, it’s a good time to consider reaching out to a mental health professional.
People may not understand why these emotions emerge at a particular time; in some cases, they may not even seem connected to a death or major loss. Goals of grief counseling include helping people to express their feelings to alleviate emotional suffering. Grief therapists offer insights on coping skills and practicing healthy behaviors and patterns of thinking about coping with death and loss.
When seeking treatment for delayed grief, look for a mental health professional who has a specialty focusing on grief and loss. Two types of short term therapy that are effective for people experiencing delayed grief include cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). They focus on replacing negative thinking and behavior patterns with healthier coping mechanisms.
Explore an online therapist directory to find a trained therapist in your area.
Final Thoughts on Delayed Grief
If the emotional pain of a loss is not confronted, it will emerge in the form of delayed psychological difficulties or health problems.6 Don’t admonish yourself or feel shame for your delayed grief reactions. Choosing to get counseling if you cannot manage delayed grief on your own can be the first step in beginning to heal and move forward with your life.
For Further Reading
Here are additional resources to help people coping with delayed grief:
Delayed Grief Infographics
