People experience grief in different ways with various symptoms at different levels of intensity. Delayed grief, also referred to as complicated grief, is when someone pushes off their grief reaction rather than dealing with it right away.1 Grief counseling can help to understand the best ways to cope with, understand, and manage delayed grief.
What Is Delayed Grief?
Delayed grief occurs when people postpone coping with grief and loss. They may tell themselves that other people’s needs are more important than theirs and focus on taking care of them, but this is a way of trying to avoid their own painful feelings. Sudden loss may also create feelings of shock and numbness and a conscious or unconscious inability to cope with grief immediately.
Some people describe their grief in terms of the five stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance), but not all grievers experience these stages; if they do, they may not necessarily be linear or in order.
When Does Delayed Grief Show Up?
There is no definitive timeline associated with grief and mourning. Delayed grief can occur weeks, months, or even years after loss. Examples of loss that might trigger delayed or complicated grief include the death of a parent, spouse, child, grandparent, grieving a celebrity death, or other loved one. People can’t heal from a loss of this magnitude until their feelings of grief are addressed.
Delayed Grief Vs. Unresolved Grief
Instead of choosing to postpone their grief as in delayed grief, people with unresolved grief refuse to accept their significant loss. Instead they continue to yearn for the person that is gone. The healing process cannot be initiated with this type of dynamic in place.
Unresolved grief lasts much longer than delayed grief, and the severity of the symptoms of unresolved grief tends to be stronger. Symptoms from unresolved grief usually get worse rather than better. This presentation of symptoms makes it very challenging for people to even begin to function in their daily lives.
Delayed Grief Symptoms
Loss can present as overwhelming, intense, distressing, or traumatic grief.2 There are a wide range of experiences and trajectories for grief that include a mix of positive and negative emotions over time.3
The major difference between grief and delayed grief is that with “normal” grief, symptoms eventually subside in terms of frequency, duration, and intensity. Grief symptoms for someone experiencing delayed grief don’t diminish or tend to worsen.
The symptoms of delayed grief can include:4
- Intense sadness, pain, and rumination
- Narrowed focus on the loss
- Extreme focus on reminders of the loved one, or excessive avoidance of reminders
- Intense and persistent longing
- Trouble accepting the death
- Numbness
- Increased isolation
- Increased anxiety
- Headaches
- Feelings of hopelessness
- Brain fog or grief brain
- Insomnia
- Episodes of unexplained anger or irritability
- Depression
- Apathy
What Causes Delayed Grief?
There are many possible causes of delayed grief. For example, some people feel that the best way to handle their personal loss is to “keep busy” with work or other endeavors instead of going through the grief process.5 Other people consciously or unconsciously recognize the magnitude of the loss and block their feelings because they’re too painful and overwhelming; however, these feelings will eventually emerge.
The Type of Grief Can Influence Delayed Grieving
People who are at higher risk for delayed grief include people who have had a history of depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), or a prior history of abuse. Risk for delayed grief also goes up if the nature of the loss was sudden or unexpected rather than anticipatory. The initial reaction in these circumstances is often shock or numbness and may lead to more intense grief.
People may also experience disenfranchised grief. This occurs when someone’s grief is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, or socially supported. Examples of this include people dying from suicide or drug overdose, or the loss of a child who is stillborn.
10 Ways to Cope With Delayed Grief
Delayed grief can be confusing for the person experiencing it because it does not follow traditionally accepted beliefs about the grief process. The emotions associated with delayed grief can emerge unexpectedly, so be patient with yourself and don’t be afraid to seek outside support.
Here are ten ways to cope and heal when delayed grief occurs:
1. Attend Grief Counseling
It is never too late to get grief counseling. When delayed grief happens it can be confusing, but counseling can help people understand why it is happening, process their emotions, and establish coping mechanisms.
2. Find Places to Get Support
One of the best ways to cope with grief is to find a safe place to discuss it with a person or people you trust to listen without judgment (e.g., friend, family member, or someone in your place of worship). People also find grief support groups are a welcome source of comfort. Talking to other people with similar experience can reinforce that what you’re feeling is OK.
3. Show Yourself Kindness & Compassion
Don’t judge yourself harshly or feel ashamed for not grieving in a designated way. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Shock is an emotion that one may feel after an initial loss. It allows you to continue to function and complete practical necessary tasks.
4. Make Time for Mindfulness
It’s important to pay attention to your thoughts and make time to just sit with them. Mindfulness activities like yoga, deep breathing, meditation can help heal your body and mind.
5. Avoid Unhealthy Habits
Many people cope with painful emotions by doing things to numb their feelings. This includes alcohol and drug abuse, overeating, and social isolation. Avoid habits that don’t result in enhancing your mental and physical well-being.
6. Consider a Grief Journal
When people can’t identify or verbally express what they are feeling, they may find comfort from writing about it. Grief journals are a great tool to express feelings, emotions, and memories. It can be helpful to use grief journal prompts to release emotions you can’t verbally express.
7. Incorporate Healthy Habits
Grief affects your mind and body. Because of it, people experience headaches, digestive issues, body tension, and loss of sleep. To cope with grief, healthy habits need to be a part of your daily routine. Get enough sleep, plan to exercise regularly, and eat healthy foods.
8. Give Yourself Permission to Grieve
Avoiding feelings because they are painful does not make them go away. This can result in emotions coming out in ways you didn’t expect or intend. An example of this is internalized depression, which can come out in the form of anger. Work on facing the feelings related to your grief with support mechanisms in place.
9. Honor the Memory of the Loved One Who Has Died
Memorial ceremonies and other grief rituals can offer a healing component and pay meaningful tribute to the loved one who has died. It offers a powerful way to share feelings and memories and be with others to share and support one another as you all cope with the loss.
10. Create Meaningful Ways to Remember the Person Who Has Died
One way to cope with grief is to anticipate difficult days like the anniversary of when someone died, birthdays, or other anniversaries. These days evoke feelings of grief, but they can also be a day to reflect or be with others. Meaningful ways to remember someone on their death anniversary include visiting their grave, looking at old photos, and reading their favorite poem.
Treatment for Delayed Grief
Delayed grief can cause strong emotions that make you feel trapped and stuck. If these feelings remain, intensify, or their presence negatively impacts your relationships, it’s a good time to consider reaching out to a mental health professional.
Grief Counseling
Goals of grief counseling include helping people to express their feelings to alleviate emotional suffering. Grief therapists offer insights on coping skills and practicing healthy behaviors and patterns of thinking about coping with death and loss.
When seeking treatment for delayed grief, look for a mental health professional who has a specialty focusing on grief and loss. Two types of short-term grief therapy that are effective for people experiencing delayed grief include cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). They focus on replacing negative thinking and behavior patterns with healthier coping mechanisms.
How to Find a Therapist
If you’re ready to find a therapist to help you deal with delayed grief, explore an online therapist directory. Doing so allows you to find a trained therapist in your area and refine your search by things like cost and expertise.
Can Someone Prevent Delayed Grief?
Delayed grief occurs because someone consciously or unconsciously pushes away grief so they don’t have to deal with the associated painful emotions. It can be prevented if you are able to identify people who you feel safe and comfortable with to begin to discuss and process those feelings early after the loss.
It can also be prevented if you are willing to ask people to help with the tasks that you have been using to distract yourself from your grief. For example, having someone help with funeral arrangements or child care. Another example might be to ask people to help with your workload for a while so you feel better prepared to jump back into a work environment.
Final Thoughts on Delayed Grief
If the emotional pain of a loss is not confronted, it will emerge in the form of delayed psychological difficulties or health problems.6 Don’t admonish yourself or feel shame for your delayed grief reactions. Choosing to get counseling if you cannot manage delayed grief on your own can be the first step in beginning to heal and move forward with your life.
For Further Reading
Here are additional resources to help people coping with delayed grief:
Delayed Grief Infographics
