What to Say to Someone Who Has Lost a Parent

How to Support Someone Who Loses a Parent

Whether someone is grieving an expected loss or a sudden one, coping with the death of a parent is incredibly difficult. When considering how and when to provide support, it helps to consider your relationship with the individual, the context of the situation, and what you know about how they respond to specific kinds of support.

Reaching out with condolences, doing something helpful like getting them groceries or cooking a meal, and offering additional support may be appropriate. Not enough support can appear uncaring while too much may be overbearing. Gauge how they respond.

When to Offer Condolences

When offering condolences to a loved one, it is never too early nor too late. As long as it is delivered with kindness and respect, any message can be meaningful. Phone calls, text messages, in-person responses, and written notes are all appropriate ways to show someone you care. Just remember that your audience is experiencing an intensely emotional situation, so even the best messages may not be well-received. Be patient and understanding.

What to Say to Someone Who Has Lost Their Mother

Although losing either parent can be extremely difficult, people often have a special and innate connection with their mother. This may be especially true for daughters. If you’re looking for something to say, it helps to respond accordingly with something sensitive and supportive.

Note that in some cases, saying nothing can also show support. Nonverbal expressions often express more than words ever could, so if you’re struggling to think of what to say to someone who has lost a loved one, an empathetic exchange – particularly eye contact or a warm embrace (if you’re familiar with the individual) – can go a long way. It’s also important to remember that each of the five stages of grief is personal.

Here are 17 comforting things to say to someone who has lost their mother:

1. “Although I am struggling to find the right words right now, I want you to know that I care about you.”

There is no perfect thing to say when someone loses their mother; this kind of honest admission is more comforting than saying something that feels awkward to you both.

2. “Please accept my sincerest condolences for your loss.”

This statement, though relatively general, extends your sympathy. It also avoids apologizing for something you did not do. When in doubt, this is a solid go-to.

3. “Losing a mother is never easy. Always know I am here for you.”

This supportive statement indicates that you know the other is going through a difficult time without trying to pinpoint exactly what they’re feeling.

4. “She was such a beautiful woman. We all loved her dearly.”

The word “beautiful” here extends beyond physical appearance toward inner character, which makes this a strong compliment. It indicates that all those in her company loved her dearly.

5. “She was a mother to us all.”

This is a powerful statement that expresses the sentiment that everyone felt loved by her because she was a loving and caring person.

6. “It’s hard for me to imagine what you’re going through, but whatever you feel is completely normal. I am always here to talk and will help you through this.”

Again, we don’t want to assign or falsely identify emotions in other people. A statement like this affirms whatever they’re feeling while extending an invitation to speak about it on their own terms.

7. “I loved her, too, and will miss her so much.”

A comment like this should only be used if you truly were close to their mother. It does not insinuate having stronger feelings than they do, but it shows that you’re experiencing the pain together.

8. “Although your mother is no longer with us, she will always be remembered. I see many of your mother’s greatest qualities in you.”

From here you may extend a specific positive quality and share a warm story, but it must be genuine and not patronizing. This should also only be used if you had a positive relationship with their mother.

9. “I wish you comfort during this extremely difficult time.”

This statement indicates that you hope the individual can get through one of life’s most significant stressors with minimal pain and suffering; however, it doesn’t minimize the situation or suggest anything unattainable.

10. “Extending my warmest energy, positive thoughts, and prayers to you and your loved ones.”

Any one of these short affirmations or a combination of them shows that you care and are keeping them in your thoughts.

11. “If she were here right now, she would be so proud of the way you are handling this.”

If you knew their mother well and are confident that she would have felt this way, it can serve as a strong affirmation.

12. “Your mother has made such a remarkable impact on us all; there is a piece of her in all of us.”

This is a comforting statement as it serves as a reminder that their mother will always be there through the actions of others. It shows that her life had meaning and many people will carry on her legacy.

13. “My favorite memory of your mother is when…”

It is comforting to share a warm memory. If appropriate, a humorous story may help lighten the mood temporarily; however, do use discretion.

14. “I am going to begin helping with…”

One of the last things someone who has lost a mother wants to feel is like a burden. Rather than request that they reach out to you for anything, take it upon yourself to do something (with their permission).

15. “Even though I never met her, she always sounded like an amazing person.”

Without any direct contact with their mother, what to say can seem confusing. Focus on the positive stories you’ve heard to draw inspiration.

16. “I know your relationship was complicated, but I believe she really loved you.”

In reality, some people have difficult or dysfunctional relationships with their mothers. In these situations, the person may not respond well to overly positive tributes. It may be best to acknowledge the hardships.

17. “This is awful. I’m so sorry.”

Sometimes the best responses are simple, straightforward, and from the heart.

What to Say to Someone Who Has Lost Their Father

Losing a father is no less detrimental than losing a mother, especially considering that many people (often sons) are more connected to their father. Many of the recommendations above also apply here; however, there may be a few more specific options to provide support.

Again, the value of just showing up cannot be stressed enough. Though it is important not to go overboard or cross any boundaries, it can also help to provide support without stressing them out by asking what they need. That support might be spending more time together, helping with household chores, paying for expenses, etc.

Here are 17 comforting things to say to someone who has lost their father:

1. “Your dad was a great man. I always looked up to him and will never forget all he taught me.”

If their father was highly involved in your life, this is a comforting thing to say. It indicates that he made a positive impact on the world as well as on you.

2. “It’s truly unfortunate that your father has passed. He, you, and the rest of your family are in my heart.”

This statement, again, does not apologize for something you did not do while still acknowledging the hardship. The symbolism of being in someone’s heart also shows that you care deeply.

3. “Extending my deepest sympathies.”

Although leaning toward empathy over sympathy allows for deeper connection, empathic expressions and actions combined with this classic statement can be comforting. The exact phrase is better written though and can be modified when in person.

4. “I learned a lot about being a man from him.”

If you are a male, this is an extremely powerful statement. Although “being a man” means many different things to many different people, saying this to someone you are close with is a huge compliment.

5. “It was so cool the way your father taught me how to…”

This should not be the opening statement, but sharing something purposeful that he taught you can serve as a pleasant story. It is likely that he taught the same lesson, triggering a pleasant memory in kind.

6. “He was a man among men.”

Again, this one serves the male ego, but it provides comfort, nonetheless. Whatever this phrase means to you, just be sure you’re both on the same page.

7. “Here’s one to your father!”

Whatever is being referenced as “one,” be it a drink, a glass, or something else, it serves to honor him, indicating that his life is worth celebrating.

8. “Whenever you are up for it, how about we go to your father’s favorite spot?”

If the father’s favorite spot was one that both of you enjoyed, then it may serve as a comforting place to reflect upon fond memories together.

9. “Know that I am here for anything.”

This statement is comforting but it does need to be backed up by actions. Do not say it unless you mean it, and be sure to check in regularly with offers to assist.

10. “Your father was the kind of person all of us wanted to be.”

This comment expresses that everyone looked up to him as someone of strong character. It’s what leaving a legacy is all about, something the other person is likely hoping to pass on as well.

11. “He truly was a strong man, all the way through the end.”

“Strong” here does not necessarily refer to physical strength; it also includes emotional strength, spiritual strength, general fortitude, etc. It indicates that he never lost touch with who he was.

12. “Few people can say they lived the life he did.”

So long as it was a good, righteous life, this is another huge compliment. Though the statement can also apply to an unrighteous life, it is typically best to avoid anything negative while trying to comfort someone.

13. “I honestly don’t know what to say right now, but I loved him, and I love you.”

As long as you had a loving relationship with the individual and their father, this one is sincere and about as all-encompassing as it gets.

14. “Your father always used to tell me about that time you…”

If you have a fond memory that their father always shared with you, go ahead and share it now. It helps them know that they were spoken of fondly.

15. “Your dad always lived his way, and I admired that.”

With men, there is an extra emphasis on autonomy and independence. Noting that he lived “his way” is an acknowledgment of strength and individuality.

16. “I sometimes wished that he was my dad, too.”

What better compliment to give a loved one than to wish that their dad was yours. It’s a tribute to the man they were and how they lived their life.

17. “This really sucks. I’m so sorry.”

Again, using a simple and honest statement can be the best way to offer your condolences. The most important thing is that you’re genuine and honest with whatever you say.

5 Things NOT to Say to Someone Who Loses a Parent

Although the simple act of caring about someone and being there for them is comforting, it helps to be aware of what not to say. Saying the wrong thing can cause the other person to question your intentions or progress into an even worse state, which you clearly want to avoid.

Five common sentiments to avoid when someone loses a parent are:

1. “I understand.”

The truth is that no one truly knows what another person thinks and feels. Genetic predisposition and life experience make us all see and respond to the world differently. Saying, “I understand” can minimize the other’s unique experience of grief.

2. “When I lost my parent…”

Though well-intended and an attempt to relate, this removes the focus from them and places it on you, which can be frustrating. Unless the individual who just lost a parent asks you to share this, it might be better timed for a later conversation.

3. “They are in a better place.”

Regardless of whether you believe this is true, this comment minimizes their grief and loss, as well as their time alive together. Even if someone was suffering for many years with a terminal illness, a better place may have been prior to the diagnosis, so tread carefully here.

4. “Everything happens for a reason.”

This may be true; however, it can feel like an attempt to minimize the other person’s pain and grief.

5. “There is always a silver lining.”

Similarly to the statement above, even if it’s true, it’s probably not the right time to say it.

Final Thoughts On What to Say to Someone Who Has Lost a Parent

Grief is complicated. Although extreme emotions and some level of instability are normal, it can become problematic if the person continuously engages in unhealthy behaviors. This may ultimately lead toward a diagnosable condition that warrants professional attention. If a loved one is struggling to cope with grief, offer your support and help them locate a grief counselor and/or a support group by searching an online therapist directory.