Do Parents Really Have Favorites? 6 Things to Consider

Do Parents Have a Favorite Child?

Many parents have favorites, even if they do not admit it. It is not surprising that favoritism can have painful implications for families. However, these challenges do not have to prevent good relationships. Sometimes a parent may communicate differently with one child than with another. This difference does not necessarily indicate favoritism. It is important not to take these instances out of context, although noting and communicating concerns can help improve your relationships.

Here are six reasons why parents may have a favorite child:

1. You Share Similar Personality Traits

It is common for us to identify more with one parent than another. In those cases, we may be naturally drawn into conversation or spending time with them. This goes for parents, too. Sometimes it is easier to get along with people we understand. However, this similarity can cause friction and further conflict. Siblings may become jealous over who receives the most parental attention or engagement. While sharing similar traits does not necessarily indicate favoritism, reflecting on differences in communication these similarities cause is necessary when improving familial relationships.

2. Birth Order

It is usually easier for adults to talk with other adults than with children. As we age, we become more capable of this communication. If the oldest child seems to be the favorite, this capability could be a factor to consider. By contrast, the complexities of growing up may bring more conflict with our parents. In these cases, a parent’s relationship and interactions with the youngest child may be easier in some ways. Regardless, birth order is an aspect to consider rather than proof of favoritism.

3. Relationships Can Change Over Time

Relationship dynamics can change because of life stressors, developmental stages, or familial hardships. For example, a parent-child relationship fraught with conflict throughout adolescence may soften substantially when the child moves out of the home. This relationship may even give way to a closeness despite past arguments. However, it is also possible that these frustrations can harden and become bitter with time. Parents and children can grow farther apart. Some research indicates this can have significant implications for how parents help their children financially.¹

4. You and Your Child Share Values

Parents who share the same values with one child may be more prone to exhibit favoritism. Research has shown that shared values are the strongest predictor of closeness in a parent-child relationship.² Evidence suggests that parents attempt to transmit their values through parenting, and parents may be disappointed if their children do not adopt the same beliefs.²

5. You May Admire Your Child

It can be challenging for parents to keep themselves from noticing impressive things their children do. One of their children may impress them more often than the others, and this kind of focus and praise can lead to what seems like favoritism. Still, recognizing these exceptional qualities or feats in our children does not mean we favor them over their siblings. It can be a sign of a bad habit worth attending to.

6. Your Child May Have Special Needs

If your child was born with or acquired a disability or illness, they may require extra care and attention as they develop. Depending on the situation, this extra attention may extend into their adulthood. Of course, this dedication to one child does not indicate that a parent is playing favorites. However, parents must guard against perceived favoritism by making time for their other children.

Effects of Not Being the Favorite Child

Unfortunately, there can be negative consequences for families where one child is favored over the others.³ Due to the power of this perception, these additional challenges are worth exploring.

Negative impacts of believing you are not the favorite child may include:

• Emotional neglect: Children may assume their parents do not love them as much as their favored sibling, which may be perceived as emotional neglect.³
• Increased risk for depression: Childhood depression in the “less-favored” child has been linked with parental favoritism.⁴
• Less sibling intimacy: Favoritism can cause a divide in sibling relationships.⁵
• Worse relationship with siblings: Favoritism does not guarantee that you will have a poor relationship with your siblings. However, resentment over unequal treatment may affect your relationship into adulthood.⁴
• Unequal inheritance: Unfortunately, parental favoritism can affect how parents split assets with their children as they may play favorites when writing their wills.¹

How to Avoid Playing Favorites as a Parent

There are a lot of things parents can do to protect their children from being damaged by favoritism. Sometimes children perceive parental favorites differently than their parents.³ Because of this, it is important to monitor your habits to avoid inadvertently choosing a favorite child.

Below is a list of ways to help you avoid playing favorites in your family:

Avoid Comparisons

Comparisons can teach us a lot about who we are. For instance, recognizing that you are worse at math and better at language arts than your friend can help you choose what career to pursue. However, comparisons can hurt us when the things we are not good at define us. Not being good at math does not make you a bad person.

There is nothing wrong with noticing differences between your children. Noting these can help you teach and support your children as they grow. Remember that these differences are not permanent. Your younger child cannot read as well as a sibling ten years older than them. These things change with time and encouragement. Comparing your children to their siblings will only create a sense of favoritism in your home.

Examine How You Accommodate Your Children

It is appropriate for parents to accommodate their children. For instance, you may help your young child get dressed or bathe. Younger children cannot do everything their older siblings can, much less what adults can do. If you are doing things for one sibling, what keeps you from doing it for the other children? Is this reasonable?

When we see this pattern in our family, consider what may need to change. Sometimes we must accommodate a child to help the entire family do something. If the family wants to ride a roller coaster, a parent may need to ride with a small child. Other times, we may not have such a clear justification.

Don’t Take Away Opportunities For Growth

Be careful not to take away chances for your child to grow. If parents routinely keep children from taking on age-appropriate responsibilities, this prevents them from gaining skills essential to independence. For example, when did you stop tying your children’s shoes? It may take weeks or months for your child to tie their shoes more quickly and effectively than you. Consider what other things your child may benefit from doing on their own. Provide equal opportunities for your children to experience independence and self-autonomy.

Take Your Children Seriously

As a parent, our children can be exasperating at times. Their energy and curiosity outpace ours so early in their life. It can become routine to dismiss their many requests. Some dismissals may be unavoidable, but we must struggle against this pattern. Certain requests will not be serious, but others will be. If our children earnestly ask us questions, we do right by taking them seriously. So if our children say we play favorites, we should take that seriously too. Strive to do differently.

Be Mindful of Your Words

The stories we tell about our children can serve as a foundation on which we explain to our children who they are. It may be easy to remember how hard it was for one child to sleep at night as an infant. You may confuse that over time with how that child is more difficult to raise than their sibling. Over time, the stories we remember and tell about our children can fuel painful interpretations children make about themselves.

Reflect On Your Growth

What were you like as a child? Would it be accurate to say that you have always been one way or another? In some ways, we may recognize stable characteristics in ourselves. In other ways, we may see areas of tremendous growth. The development you see in yourself is possible for your children as well. Just because one child acts more “favorably” than another, this does not mean that your other children will not develop and mature as they age.

Admire Equitably

If you recognize that you admire one of your children for something, think about this. Spend time looking for things to admire about your other children. This may be challenging at first. But as you work through this process, you may be surprised to discover how many qualities you admire in your other children.

The most important part of this recognition is to remember a few things. First, find something to admire about your children that is true. Second, think of a way to explain this quality so your children can understand and present it to them. Third, make sure that this quality is not immediately contrasted by something you do not admire about your child, such as praising their child for being persistent but complaining that they are interrupting your work.

Help Children Recognize What Their Emotions Are For

Emotions are challenging to learn about and understand. They emerge for a purpose, even if we do not comprehend why. Our emotions can help us be closer to significant people, including our parents and siblings. Working with our children to help them deal with their feelings can help them learn not to be afraid of them. Remember to do so with all of your children so each one feels validated and supported.

How Therapy Can Help

Therapy can be beneficial in almost any part of our lives. This does not mean that everybody needs therapy, but rather that the benefits of therapy are numerous. If parental favoritism hurts and overwhelms you, counseling can help you sort through your feelings. Use an online therapist directory to find someone who can meet your needs.

Therapy options for addressing parental favoritism may include:

• Individual therapy: Working to address our issues for ourselves can help us identify and cope with challenges and pain in our family.
• Family therapy: Family therapy can include the entire unit or only your children and the therapist. Research has shown that siblings who are warm with each other tend to be less lonely throughout life.⁴
• Parent-child interaction therapy (PCIT): PCIT is a committed, multi-phase approach for parents wanting to learn a systematic way to change their parenting.
• Parent coaching: Parenting coaching is a less-structured method of working with parents to address parenting challenges.
• Faith communities: Many times, our values are tied to our faith. Being part of a community where other parents share our perspectives can help us as we work through these challenges.⁶

Final Thoughts

Favoritism is not an ideal outcome in any parenting situation. However, the reality is that favoritism, or the perception of favoritism, will come up from time to time. These perceptions or realities have significant consequences but do not determine outcomes. There is always something we can do to improve our lives, no matter the circumstances.