Gender-Neutral Parenting: What It Is, Pros, & Cons

What Is Gender-Neutral Parenting?

Gender-neutral originated in the 1970s and is linked to second-wave feminism. In 1972, Marlo Thomas created and produced an album and later a book and television special titled “Free to Be . . . You and Me.” It communicated a message that encouraged children to feel free to grow up and achieve whatever their dreams might be, regardless of their gender. Being gender-neutral doesn’t mean parents deny their child’s developing gender. Instead, it encourages parents to allow their child to explore the world without socially constructed limits on what is considered acceptable behavior.

There are two main approaches to gender-neutral parenting. The more prevalent approach supports children’s freedom of expression. This includes providing children with a variety of toys, activities, clothing choices, and engagement opportunities that are not based on stereotyped expectations. Parents encourage their children to explore the world freely without allowing gender to be a limiting factor on their children’s explorations.

The more extreme, and much less common, practice includes the concealment of a child’s gender. The goal is to keep a child free from any gender stereotypes being placed on the child by society. This practice can be confusing to others, and may be misunderstood or misinterpreted by friends, grandparents, and other family members, as well. Parents committed to this approach believe it provides their child with protection from others’ intentional or unconscious gender stereotyping as their child develops.

Unfortunately, some people misunderstand the concept of gender-neutral parenting and assume that parents are forcing children to “try out” or “try on” behaviors that are not congruent with the child’s preferences or sense of self. Due to this mindset, they assume that gender-neutral parenting limits rather than frees a child.

When Does Gender-Neutral Parenting Start?

Due to the prevalent gender-distinct practices, parents may begin the practice of gender-neutral parenting while their child is still in the womb. They may furnish their nurseries and babies’ dressers with non-gender specific items or fill toy boxes with both trucks and dolls. Gender-neutral parenting practices encourage the availability of a wide variety of toys and clothes that are not filled with garments or colors based on gender norms, unless that’s what their child prefers.

How to Practice Gender-Neutral Parenting

Choosing to practice gender-neutral parenting can lead to new opportunities for your child as well as a new perspective on the world for parents. By broadening the variety of options available to your child, you are contributing to their optimal development and their budding individuality.

There may be challenges if others in your immediate family or support network are not open to the idea, but even small changes in how you allow your child to express themselves can carry significant weight. Over time, your child’s sense of self develops and they become more able to advocate for their interests and their needs.

Below are some tips for practicing gender-neutral parenting:

Replace Gender-Specific Language

This can be challenging to do, but by replacing gender-specific language, you are helping you and your child break free from oppressive gender norms. Rather than using the words “man,” “woman,” “girl,” or “boy,” use the word “person.” Use the word “sibling” instead of sister or brother. Rather than refer to your “darling daughter,” refer to your “darling child.” By moving away from gendered terms for others, you are helping ensure your child sees people for who they are–not just their gender.

Don’t Enforce Gender-Specific Colors

By dividing clothing or toys into those meant for “boys” versus those meant for “girls,” you are also dividing your child’s options in half. If a child can only choose between certain colors, rather than any from the rainbow, their creativity is being limited. They may also feel that their preferences have less value than other children who have more options than they.

Stock your child’s closet with a variety of colors unless they’ve made it clear which colors they do or don’t prefer. Let your child make decisions about what they like best–and if your daughter likes pink and your son favors blue, let that be okay, too.

Don’t Enforce Gender-Specific Societal Norms

When your child decides to express themselves in a manner that is not traditionally congruent with their gender, don’t immediately limit their freedom or overrule their choice. Children love to explore the world, and playing “dress-up” or “pretend” are important to their intellectual and emotional development. Let them try out creative ways of engaging in the world, whether it’s in their hairstyle, clothing choice, or preferred toys for playing.

Provide a Variety of Materials to Support Development

Don’t support the acquisition of toys or materials that encourage limits or gender-determined career paths. Caregiving for others is a skill and vocation that should not be bounded by gender, nor should teaching, building, or creating.

Children engage in play as seriously as adults engage in work–play is the language and work of childhood. By encouraging your child to explore as many avenues of play and imagination as possible, you help them prepare for a life and potential career path that allows them to be their best selves. All children have the right to wear superhero capes or practice feeding or changing the diaper on a doll.

Encourage Your Child to Play With all Children

Don’t encourage your child to invite “only the boys” or “only the girls” to their birthday party or on playdates. Support your child in making friends with as diverse a group of children as possible. Being open to diversity is natural to young children. Through gender-neutral parenting, you encourage children to appreciate the qualities of other children, not to just select “friends” who look like them. If there are youth sports teams or other groups that encourage membership across gender divides, choose those groups for your child.

Support Your Child’s Interests & Advocate for Them

Unfortunately, the world is not always kind to children who don’t fit the mold that society has cast for them. Be a visible and vocal advocate in the school, with extracurricular groups, and with the parents of your child’s friends, if needed. By showing your support, your child will grow in their own self-confidence.

Create Rules Based on Developmental Level, Not Gender

Don’t create gender-based rules in your own family or treat children differently based on their gender. Boundaries and curfews should be similar, as should expectations regarding responsibilities and household chores. Taking out the trash, setting the table, or helping with meal preparation should not be any more gender-biased than feeding the dog. Just as allowances are often based on age or maturity, divide chores among children based on capabilities.

Benefits of Gender-Neutral Parenting

The most important benefit of gender-neutral parenting is that it supports a child in feeling confident in who they are. While no one can prevent children from facing obstacles in life, parents can play a pivotal role in removing gender as an obstacle early on. Helping a child feel valued for who they are, not what gender they are, can build up a child’s self-esteem in significant ways. By fostering autonomy in your child, parents can take pride in their child’s sense of agency in the world.

Below are additional benefits of gender-neutral parenting:

• Freedom of gender expression: By allowing your child to explore what feels right for them, you are supporting their ability to think for themselves and explore their own identity.
• Focus on inner qualities: By allowing a child to focus on the internal, not just the external, aspects of identity, they will be in a better position to love others based on who the other person is inside.
• Increased compassion: When children are encouraged to express themselves in ways that make sense for them, compassion for others can be more easily experienced and expressed.
• Respect for others who are different: Children will treat others the way that they have been treated. When children’s unique differences are respected by their parents, they will offer similar respect to others.
• More varied interests: By encouraging children to explore a variety of activities, they can develop wider interests and have access to more opportunities than children who are encouraged to engage only in gender-specific activities.
• Greater inclusivity: When all people are invited to participate and be a part of a group activity, everyone feels included and that they matter. Children can develop strong friendships across gender lines when they are raised to appreciate everyone equally.

Possible Cons of gender-neutral Parenting

There are very few cons to gender-neutral parenting, but the one that is the most imposing is concern about what other people will think. If you come from a highly traditional family where gender stereotypes were strongly in place, it can be hard to break tradition. However, being aware of the benefits can provide you with the information you will need to address concerns expressed by others–whether it is family, friends, or leaders in the schools or other organizations in which your family takes part.

Possible drawbacks of gender-neutral parenting include:

• Increased risk of bullying: Other children are quick to notice differences among their peers, and children who don’t follow gender norms may be subject to teasing or bullying. Cyberbullying is also a possibility and parents should be aware of the signs of bullying to help their child
• Difficulties finding gender-neutral terms: Because our culture has been so entrenched in using gender as a means of division for so long, it can be difficult to find appropriate gender-neutral terms in some cases. Getting creative (for example, with “niblet” for both nieces and nephews) may be necessary.
• External barriers: Finding appropriately sized clothing in the colors or styles your child prefers may be difficult. Or, it may take more effort to find gender-neutral affinity groups, such as Indian Papooses versus Girl or Boy Scouts.
• Harder time fitting in: While a child who breaks gender stereotypes in their appearance may feel confident in their own identity, they may still face challenges in feeling comfortable in larger groups of children.

Helping Your Gender-Neutral Child With Bullying

Children can be cruel to one another, and this unkindness can be especially harsh when a child’s difference is especially noticeable. Breaking gender norms can be a lightning rod for bullies due to the deeply entrenched and oppressive gender stereotypes that continue to shape cultural expectations of others. If your child is being bullied, in addition to enlisting the assistance of teachers or other people in leadership positions, there are ways you can help your child in these situations.

Parents can help their gender-neutral child deal with bullying by:

• Encourage getting along with others: By teaching your child to value relationships and harmony with peers, bullies may have less reason to target them.
• Teach healthy coping skills: Through mastery of healthy coping mechanisms, children are able to manage their emotions and slow down their reactions to others’ behavior.
• Teach emotional regulation: Bullies thrive on the reaction they get from their targets. By helping a child learn how to manage their anger, they are able to put some distance between themselves and the bully. This helps keep them safe while also helping them develop emotional maturity.
• Help your child establish friendships: Encourage your child to form friendships by allowing them to have friends over and to spend time at their friends’ homes. Children can advocate for one another and the “buddy system” can be a deterrent to bullying behaviors by others.
• Encourage your child to confide in trusted adults: Sometimes a child’s best bet for safety is confiding in adults if they are being bullied.
• Teach your child to walk with confidence: Self-confidence and bravery in the face of bullying can be strong deterrents. Encourage your child to engage in activities that build up their self-esteem and sense of agency.
• Teach them how to defuse a bully: De-escalating a bullying situation can sometimes be accomplished through distraction of the bully, such as simply asking the bully to stop or offering an alternative activity. Some children can be encouraged to use humor to defuse the situation.
• Make sure your child knows how to escape: No one wants to imagine the worst, but teach your child to rely on flight, not fight, when faced with a serious bullying situation. Train them to check for exit paths and the location of safe spaces or helpful adults.

Is Gender-Neutral Parenting Right for My Family?

Regardless of whether or not a parent chooses to intentionally engage in gender-neutral parenting or simply encourages their child to express their creativity without limits, it is clearly beneficial to allow children to embrace their unique identities. Being free to be themselves when young sets children up for a bright future in which they feel confident and secure in who they are as people, not just as prescribed genders. In addition, children are raised to respect the choices and pursuits of others without judgment.

Parenting is a challenging responsibility, and it is important that parents are on the same page. If you and your partner have difficulty deciding on the most appropriate parenting style, reaching out to work with a therapist can be beneficial. Therapists can provide objective perspectives and a safe space for a couple to discuss their hopes, fears, and goals together as parents. There are many ways to find the right therapist who is a good fit for your needs. You can start by asking close friends or family members for recommendations or exploring an online therapy directory.

Final Thoughts

Parents have the right to determine what they feel are the best practices for their family, and gender-neutral parenting may not be for everyone. However, the benefits of raising children to feel free to be themselves and live lives that are authentic to their unique identities can be tremendous. For parents who shy away from committing to a gender-neutral parenting style, they should still consider supporting their child’s creative exploration of the world around them. Break away from gender-based limits on what a child should or should not want to be in this life.