Grief Counseling for Children: What it Is & How it Can Help

How Grief Counseling Can Help Your Child

A child who has lost their loved one (a parent, sibling, grandparent, pet, or close friend) will need a lot of support so they will be able to make sense of what happened and process their feelings. Unresolved grief or feeling stuck in their grief increases the risk of anxiety in the child, behavioral problems, and childhood depression. Through grief counseling, healthy coping can take place.

Losing someone close to them is considered one of the most distressing forms of trauma, according to research. While most bereaved children bounce back from the loss, some may experience maladaptive grief, leading them to ignore their own physical and emotional needs.¹ Besides helping them recover, grief counseling for kids is an opportunity to explain death to a child and answer questions they might have.

Here are nine ways grief counseling for children can help:

1. Process complex emotions
2. Allow them to express their feelings safely
3. Help them learn how to honor their loved one
4. Provides an opportunity for kids to share their understanding of the experience, as well as their worries and fears
5. Meet other kids who have also encountered loss (such as in the case of group therapy)
6. Offer support to the child’s remaining family members or caregiver
7. Help them explore evidence-based, healthy coping skills geared toward kids
8. Identify other mental health issues that may have arisen so they can be addressed
9. Develop a new perspective and inner strength

Types of Grief Counseling for Kids

Different child grief counseling techniques exist that can assist with their mourning. Whether you choose individual therapy, peer groups, or family therapy depends on the child’s age, their interest in being around others with the same experience, and the need for family members to receive additional support.

Individual Therapy

During individual therapy, a child or teen has conversations or interactions with a therapist. The therapist may incorporate play therapy, which involves the use of puppets, building blocks, sand, and art materials. Play therapy is a highly beneficial means for kids to express their subconscious ideas.²

Older kids and adolescents, on the other hand, may feel more engaged talking to a trained professional. They open up about their pain and suffering while the therapist listens. At the same time, the therapist introduces grief coping mechanisms. Trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT) may be a useful approach for children with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), especially if their loved one’s death is sudden.

Peer Groups

Some adults refrain from talking about the deceased person in an attempt to lessen the child’s grief. However, this can cause the child to think it is wrong to discuss the death — or even to express their emotions. Because of this, they feel alone. Peer groups help normalize the grieving process and allow a child or teen to learn from others.

A 2020 study found a significant relationship between adolescents’ social support and their well-being. Interacting with others allows them to experience more positive emotions, on top of being able to make sense of their world after the death of a loved one.³

Family Therapy

Family therapy is most helpful for losses that impact the entire family. For example, a child and the rest of the family survived a tragedy where one member died. Through this type of therapy, adults will be provided with all the support and education they need to help themselves so they can help the child or teen.

As a structured form of therapy, research shows that it improves how family members interact with one another depending on the issues they’re having after the loss. The goals of therapy can include improving communication and finding inner strength.⁴ Filial therapy is an effective form of grief therapy for families with younger children, in which play therapy is blended into family therapy.⁵

What Happens in Grief Counseling for Kids?

Grief counseling for kids entails different activities ranging from talking about the person who died to helping the bereaved address their feelings. The techniques used will depend on the child’s developmental stage, previous experience with trauma, culture, and temperament traits.

Activities that take place in grief counseling for children include:

• Drawing pictures of the deceased
• Scrapbooking their favorite memories
• Coming up with ways to honor the deceased on their death anniversary
• Discussing their challenges, fears, and hopes
• Journal about their grief to express their thoughts
• Reading age-appropriate children’s books about grief that help them understand and navigate their grief
• Write a letter to the deceased. This can be done to express existing emotions and share updates about their lives and words they regret not saying before.
• Exploring healthy coping and self-care strategies (e.g., deep breathing, exercising to reduce depression, engaging in a hobby) by demonstrating them or having the child or teen answer worksheets.

What Is the Process of Grief Counseling?

Child grief counselors or therapists guide their patients throughout their journey of dealing with the loss until they can find balance. Grief counseling goals for kids may include accepting the inevitability and permanence of death, coping with their feelings, finding meaning from the loss, and developing healthy relationships and routines.

There is no deadline for children’s grief counseling (because grief has no timeline), and the therapist notes signs that grief is resolving. Strategies like play therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for children, and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) may be used depending on their age to reach goals. Furthermore, it’s important to note that a child can be taken back to their grief years later, which may necessitate seeing a therapist.

How to Explain Grief Counseling to a Child

Any time you’re having a conversation about the loved one who died, it is an opportunity to introduce the idea of receiving grief counseling for children. However, make sure that your child is calm when bringing up the topic. Note that it is normal for them to hesitate to see a therapist at first.

You can start by explaining what a grief counselor is, how they help them heal their emotional wound, and what can take place during each session. Remember to use age-appropriate language. For example, you can tell a younger child, “Do you remember when you fell from your bicycle, and we took you to the doctor? A grief counselor is like a doctor who can help you deal with your feelings.”

What to Expect From a First Appointment

The first session involves helping the child feel comfortable in therapy. The counselor starts taking their information and history from the parent or caregiver — what happened to the deceased, their relationship with the deceased, symptoms they’ve experienced after the loss, their school performance, and more.

Next, the counselor will speak with the child to give an introduction. You can be present in the therapy room if your child prefers having you around. If you have an older child or adolescent, the counselor might speak with them privately.

How to Support a Grieving Child

Parents and caregivers may not always know what to say to a grieving child and how to help them cope in the best way possible. No matter how you support them, what matters is that you’re available and consistent. Stay patient throughout the process. Moreover, don’t ignore your own grief.

Ways to support a grieving child include:

• Validate their feelings: When you provide emotional validation, it shows that you accept whatever they’re feeling instead of being dismissive. Research shows that emotional validation helps individuals regulate their emotions better and may prevent aggressive behaviors.⁶
• Share your own feelings with children: One way to encourage them to talk about what they’re thinking and feeling is to set an example. You can start a conversation by saying, “I see that you’re very quiet, and I can feel that you’re sad. I’m sad too because [person’s name] passed.”
• Follow a regular routine: Children feel safer and in control with predictable routines. If things are going to be different (temporarily or permanently), make sure to discuss this with the child ahead of time.
• Avoid using euphemisms: Adults may struggle to use the word “death” or “died” when speaking to children. However, doing this creates confusion and can lead them to believe that their loved one might come back soon.
• Read books about grief: Talking about loss and death with kids and teens in an understandable way is possible using picture books. A simple internet search will provide you with lots of age-appropriate stories that you can read together.
• Seek additional support: To help maintain their routine, you may find the need to ask for support from other adults, such as a close friend or relative who can watch over the child or take them to school while you’re making funeral arrangements. You can also ask the school staff or their teachers to consider adjusting the child’s workload to make it more manageable.
• Tell them what to expect: This includes memorial services and future occasions (such as the holidays and other family gatherings) that may remind them of the person. Explain that people will reminisce on the times they shared with the person and that the child can do the same if they want.
• Do not minimize their fears: A child who loses their parent might worry about what might happen next to their remaining loved ones. Allow them to verbalize and let them feel heard while sharing your spiritual beliefs about death and expectations to live a long, healthy life.

When to Seek Professional Help

Any behavior that’s not normal for your child signifies the need for pediatric grief counseling. However, you don’t have to wait for these signs because loss, especially an unexpected one, can be a traumatic experience and will always benefit from the expertise of a trained grief counselor. In that case, you can find the right professional for your child using an online therapist directory or online therapy platform.

Signs that a child may need to see a grief counselor include:

• They begin to have uncharacteristic angry outbursts
• They struggle to concentrate in school, and their performance deteriorates
• They isolate themselves (i.e., they refuse to interact with family and friends and participate in social activities.)
• They exhibit symptoms of thanatophobia or excessive fear of death, such as dizziness and rapid breathing when thinking about death
• High-risk behaviors in teens, such as drinking, smoking, gambling, and abusing drugs
• Complaining about body pains, weakness, vision changes, and other somatic symptoms without any medical explanation

Signs You May Need Help

While a parent or caregiver does their best to support grieving child, they may also be struggling to deal with their own emotions. If you feel that talking to a therapist or counselor about your feelings will help, do it as soon as possible. Increased stress, anxiety, and a disruption in daily functioning are signs you need to see a professional.

In My Experience

In my experience, validating what a child is either currently experiencing or might experience throughout the grieving process is very important. This gives children more freedom to express themselves and helps to reduce guilt and shame. Letting children know there is no right or wrong way to grieve or sharing the stages of grief can be helpful.

Alongside therapy, I’ve noticed that many children and teens find immense benefits in peer support groups. These support groups are non-judgmental environments that allow children to hear the stories of other young people who have similar experiences as themselves. This helps them feel less alone.

I had the opportunity to see first-hand how bereavement camps can transform a child’s outlook on the grieving process and help them feel more hopeful about the future. These types of camps surround children with caring adults who are trained to support them during their camp experience. It also allows them to experience fun activities to support them in processing their grief with other same-age peers who have experienced similar circumstances.