What to Say to Someone Who Lost a Loved One

What to Say When Someone Dies

Let the person who lost a loved one know that you’re there to support them and listen to them in the days ahead. Grief does not end at the funeral. If you can, reassure them that you will be available to lend ongoing emotional and practical support as needed. Try to stay in touch with them in person, by phone, through email, or with cards.

Knowing what to say to someone who has lost a parent, friend, or loved one can be challenging. The needs and mood of a grieving person fluctuate, so what may be a good thing to say when someone passes one moment may not be as effective or comforting the next. Where they are in the five stages of grief can also affect their emotional status

1. Acknowledge the Loss

Acknowledge that there has been a great loss and you cannot presume to know exactly how the bereaved feels. Focus not on yourself, but on the person suffering the loss.

Here are helpful things to say to someone who has lost a loved one:^{3, 4}

• “I am so sorry for your loss”
• “I wish I had the right words; just know I care”
• “I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can”
• “I’m sorry I can’t make things better”
• “I’m sorry this is so hard for you”
• “I’m sorry things are so tough right now”

2. Offer Comfort

Do your best to provide comfort by validating the person’s pain and offering encouragement.

The following statements can comfort someone who lost a loved one:

• “Grief has no end date, so just so you know what you are feeling is to be expected”
• “You are not going crazy”
• “You may not get over this, but somehow you will get through it”

3. Share a Memory of the Loved One

Even though sharing memories of a loved one who has died can be painful, this gesture can offer comfort to family members. It helps them to know their loved one  has touched other people’s lives in meaningful ways and that they won’t be forgotten.

It can be hard to start this conversation, but here are some tips on how to begin and what to say:

• “I have a story about _________. Would it be all right if I share it with you now? If not, let me know when you would like to hear it.”
• Be sensitive about the words you use. Make sure your comments show compassion. Use the name of the person that has died when you are sharing a memory about them.
• “There are so many things I appreciated about _______. Here are some of them and reasons why they will always be remembered by me.”
• “________ was such a wonderful teacher. I learned so many important life lessons from them. Can I tell you about what they taught me?”
• “I want you to know that ________ touched many lives in such beautiful ways. I wanted to just tell you one or two of my favorite memories about this.”

4. Tell Them How You Can Help Them

When people are grieving they are in survival mode. Their routines and ability to take care of themselves are interrupted in the midst of loss and grief in ways they might not even be aware of. It also may be difficult to ask others for help even if it is

needed. It can help to be proactive and offer concrete ways to offer them help, and with specific time frames. These types of gestures are appreciated especially after the funeral and memorial services are over and not as many people are around.

Here are examples of things you can offer to do to help:

• “I know you and the kids love lasagna. I will come by on Monday with dinner”
• “I have some extra time on Saturday. How about I come by and take your kids
•  and mine to the playground around 1.”
• “I am going to the grocery store on Friday. I am happy to pick up some groceries for you while I am there and drop them off. What can I get for you?”
• “Since I live next door and am going to be walking my dog I can grab yours too so they can have some time walking and playing together.”
• “I will check in with you next week. If you feel up to it I would love to take you out to lunch on Monday or Tuesday.”
• “It is supposed to be a beautiful day on Thursday. Can I call you to see if you would like to join me for a walk?”

5. Recognize How Difficult the Grieving Process Can Be

Everyone grieves in their own unique way. There is no way to speed up the

bereavement process. It can be a mixture of emotions and the intensity can

fluctuate from moment to moment or day to day. It is a painful and difficult time

for everyone as they try to understand how to move forward and begin to heal.

The closer the relationship with the person who has died makes the grief more challenging and overwhelming. In addition the circumstances of the death impacts

how grief is experienced. If someone has died suddenly for example from a heart

attack or car accident there is a layer of trauma that is felt in addition to the grief. It takes longer to begin the healing process in these situations because it feels more overwhelming.

6. Tell Them When You’re Available

Reassure the person that is grieving that you want to be available for them in the days, weeks, or months ahead if you are comfortable with making this offer. Many people who are grieving feel abandoned and alone after the immediate influx of friends and family recedes with the passage of time after a death.

Be as specific as you can about when you can be around to help and offer support. For example, “I am not working on Tuesday’s or Thursday’s so I have plenty of

time to be available to help you out with anything you need.” This helps the person who is grieving feel like less of a burden and gives them important information on when to reach out to you. Also, a statement like this has opened a door telling them you really want to help and are making time to do whatever they need.

7. Give Them Permission to Talk About Other Things, Too

People who are grieving sometimes feel the need to talk about something other than their loss. They are trying to figure out how to move forward and create a new normal. Giving them permission to talk about other things can be helpful for them in beginning to discuss other topics of conversation. It is a way to begin to normalize relationships again after their loss.

8. Recognize Important Dates

Recognize that dates like birthdays, marital anniversaries, holidays, or death anniversaries can be especially painful due to the anniversary effect.

Try saying these things to someone who lost a loved one on any of these milestone days:

• “I know this birthday/anniversary is going to be a tough day for you and I want to be there for you to help”
• “I know this birthday/anniversary will bring back a lot of memories and I am here if you need me to help get through the day”
• “What can I do to help you get through this day?”

9. Give a Hug Instead of Trying to Come Up With the Perfect Thing to Say

If you are not sure what to say or fearful about saying something that is not right, there are many gestures that can signal your care and support for a person who is grieving. A warm smile, a hug, holding a hand, or touching a shoulder are all ways to demonstrate your support and warm feelings towards someone who is grieving. There are times when silence occurs and these gestures offer comfort at these moments.

Being present and listening are also significant ways to show your support. Listening in a non judgemental and compassionate way can mean a lot to someone who is grieving. Giving the bereaved an opportunity to share their thoughts and feelings can be an act of friendship and kindness that they will appreciate.

What Not to Say to Someone Who Lost a Loved One

People often feel compelled to say something – anything! – to someone who has suffered a loss. Unfortunately, many common phrases can feel insensitive and judgmental.

Here are several things to avoid when talking to someone who lost a loved one:

1. Don’t Refer to Your Religious Beliefs

Some statements reflect your own values or religious beliefs and may conflict with the feelings of the person who experienced the loss.

Don’t say these things to someone who lost a loved one:^{5, 6}

• “It’s part of God’s plan”
• “They’re in a better place now”
• “There’s a reason for everything”

2. Don’t Minimize Their Pain

While potentially well-intentioned, sometimes people can say things that minimize the loss and grief of the individual.

Don’t say:

• “Look at what you have to be thankful for”
• “This is behind you now”
• “They were sick for a long time and maybe it is better now that they’re gone”

3. Don’t Be Pushy

Avoid statements that begin with “You should” or “You will.” These statements are too direct. Instead begin comments with “Have you thought about” or “You might try.”

Don’t say:

• “Be strong”
• “It’s time to get on with your life”
• “Don’t cry”

4. Don’t Compare Your Loss to Theirs

People grieve in unique ways. Grief comparisons turn the focus on you rather than the person grieving. The fact is, you may not know what they are feeling.

Don’t say:

• “I know how you feel”
• “If you do XYZ, you will feel better. It worked for me”

5. Don’t Try to Fix Them

People sometimes mistakenly assume that what works for them will work for everyone. Don’t tell a grieving person how to feel, and don’t tell them what they should or should not do unless they ask for advice. Don’t try to fix them or accelerate their grief process. It does not work because grief can’t be quickly fixed. If you attempt to “fix” a grieving loved one it can harm your relationship with that person.

Don’t say:

• “Well just picking myself up and moving on worked for me, it can work for you.”
• “I think the quicker you get back to work the better it will be for you.”
• Don’t make comments that will invalidate their feelings. For example, “You’re being so negative, be grateful for what you do have.”
• “You just need to start meditating or doing yoga and you will feel better.”
• Don’t make comments that appear to judge them. For example, “You look awful. You need to get some sleep and eat better and you will be fine.”

6. Don’t Set Expectations About When They’ll Be “Done Grieving”

Don’t place your expectations on the person grieving regarding how long they should grieve. They may cope with grief in a different way than you did, and the time it takes to grieve is linked to many issues. It is partially based on the closeness of the relationship between the person that died and the bereaved and the reason for the death. If someone dies suddenly or as result of a car accident or heart attack there is also trauma associated with this loss in addition to grief.

Don’t say:

• “________has been gone for a long time, you should be moving on with your life.”
• “When I lost my husband/wife I grieved for 6 months and then moved on.”
• “You need to get yourself together quickly, the kids are depending on you.”
• “You will heal with time.”
• “It is not normal to be sad for this long, it is time to get over it.”

7. Don’t Be Presumptuous

This is especially true if you didn’t have a close relationship with the deceased person. Don’t assume to know what they would have wanted for whoever is left behind.

Don’t say:

• “The person who has died would not want you to feel sad”

Helping Your Loved One Find a Therapist

If you think your loved one who just lost someone is at risk for depression or self-harm, support them by helping them reach out to receive professional help. Build out a list of resources, including physicians, grief groups, and counselors.

How to Find a Therapist

If you or someone you love is ready to find the right therapist, start your search in an online directory. A free, comprehensive list can get you started, allowing you to filter your search by location, cost, types of therapy, and more.

Comforting Texts to Send to a Grieving Friend

People who are grieving often feel alone. A text with a comforting message can help them to feel supported and cared for.

Here are some examples of text messages that can offer support to a person who is grieving:

• “I am keeping you in my thoughts and I am so sorry for your loss.”
• “I am going to be running errands and want to know if I can get anything for you today.”
• “I would like to send a meal over for you and the kids. What would you like me to make for you all and when should I send it over?”
• “I am here to listen when you need to talk.”
• Share a favorite memory about the person who died with their loved ones.
• “There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Whatever you are feeling it is OK to feel it.”
• “I know you are in pain and I can be there with you when it feels overwhelming.”
• “I can help you with the planning of the funeral or go with you to the funeral home if you feel my being there would be helpful.”
• “Is there anyone I can contact for you who needs to know about _____death?”