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What to Say to Someone Who Lost a Loved One

Published: October 25, 2022 Updated: March 17, 2023
Published: 10/25/2022 Updated: 03/17/2023
Headshot of Iris Waichler MSW, LCSW
Written by:

Iris Waichler

MSW, LCSW
Headshot of Trishanna Sookdeo, MD, MPH, FAAFP
Reviewed by:

Trishanna Sookdeo

MD, MPH, FAAFP
  • The Do’s & Don’ts When Talking About GriefDo's & Don'ts
  • What Not to Say to Someone Who Lost a Loved OneWhat Not to Say
  • How to Help Someone Who Has Lost a Loved OneHow to Help
  • Depression vs. SadnessDepression vs. Sadness
  • Final Thoughts on How to Console Someone Who Lost a Loved OneConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
  • What to Say to Someone Who Lost a Loved One InfographicsInfographics
Headshot of Iris Waichler MSW, LCSW
Written by:

Iris Waichler

MSW, LCSW
Headshot of Trishanna Sookdeo, MD, MPH, FAAFP
Reviewed by:

Trishanna Sookdeo

MD, MPH, FAAFP

When someone we care about is grieving a major loss, we often want to say something to offer comfort. Frequently though, there’s uncertainty about what to say or do to offer solace to someone who is grieving. Your message should be one of caring and compassion, offering to lend help and support in the ways they need it most.

Therapy can help one prepare for difficult situations and be comforting to others. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by BetterHelp

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The Do’s & Don’ts When Talking About Grief

Researchers suggest that listening is the key to helping a grieving friend.1
Whether that person is coping with the death of a parent, grieving the loss of a child, or experiencing anticipatory grief, it’s normal not to know what to say. In reality, there’s nothing to say that can offer a quick fix for their emotional pain. Your aim should be to speak from a place of compassion.

People often want the person who is grieving to feel less alone. As such, they may try to say something to indicate that they understand how they’re feeling. Because we grieve in different ways, this may not be the correct thing to say. Being honest and saying you are at a loss for words or you don’t know what to say can be a better starting point.2

Here are do’s and don’ts on how to comfort someone who lost a loved one:

The do’s:

  • Recognize the loss
  • Acknowledge that you can’t know what they are feeling
  • Admit that you don’t know what to say/can’t make it better
  • Give a warm hug or a kind gesture like holding a hand
  • Reassure them that you will always be there to listen when they need to talk
  • Offer practical, specific assistance like bringing over food, running errands, helping with kids, and managing the logistics of any funeral or service
  • Express a favorite memory about the person who died and gauge their reaction
  • Be present and listen

The don’ts:

  • Don’t try to change the subject
  • Don’t be vague about offering help (e.g., “Let me know what I can do.”)
  • Don’t make assumptions about their religious beliefs
  • Don’t try to “fix” the loss
  • Don’t avoid the topic
  • Don’t put a timeline on their grief

What to Say When Someone Loses a Loved One

Let the person who lost a loved one know that you’re there to support them and listen to them in the days ahead. Grief does not end at the funeral. If you can, reassure them that you will be available to lend ongoing emotional and practical support as needed. Try to stay in touch with them in person, by phone, through email, or cards.

Knowing what to say to someone who has lost a parent, friend, or loved one can be challenging. The needs and mood of a grieving person fluctuate, so what may be a good thing to say one moment may not be as effective or comforting the next. Where they are in the five stages of grief can also affect their emotional status

Acknowledge the Loss

Acknowledge that there has been a great loss and you cannot presume to know exactly how the bereaved feels. Focus not on yourself, but on the person suffering the loss.

Here are helpful things to say to someone who has lost a loved one:3, 4

  • “I am so sorry for your loss”
  • “I wish I had the right words; just know I care”
  • “I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can”
  • “I’m sorry I can’t make things better”
  • “I’m sorry this is so hard for you”
  • “I’m sorry things are so tough right now”

Offer Comfort

Do your best to provide comfort by remembering the lost loved one, validating the person’s pain, and offering encouragement.

The following statements can comfort someone who lost a loved one:

  • “My favorite memory of them is…”
  • “Grief has no end date, so just so you know what you are feeling is to be expected”
  • “You are not going crazy”
  • “You may not get over this, but somehow you will get through it”

Recognize Important Dates

Recognize that dates like birthdays, marital anniversaries, holidays, or death anniversaries can be especially painful due to the anniversary effect.

Try saying these things to someone who lost a loved one:

  • “I know this anniversary is going to be a tough day for you and I want to be there for you to help”
  • “I know this birthday/anniversary will bring back a lot of memories and I am here if you need me to help get through the day”
  • “What can I do to help you get through it”

Help For Grief & Loss

Talk Therapy – Get personalized help in dealing with a loss from a licensed professional. BetterHelp offers online sessions by video or text. Try BetterHelp


Virtual Psychiatry – Get help from a real doctor that takes your insurance. Talkiatry offers medication management and online visits with top-rated psychiatrists. Take the online assessment and have your first appointment within a week. Free Assessment

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by Talkiatry and BetterHelp.

What Not to Say to Someone Who Lost a Loved One

People often feel compelled to say something – anything! – to someone who has suffered a loss. Unfortunately, many common phrases can feel insensitive and judgmental.

Don’t Refer to Your Religious Beliefs

Some statements reflect your own values or religious beliefs and may conflict with the feelings of the person who experienced the loss.

Don’t say these things to someone who lost a loved one:5, 6

  • “It’s part of God’s plan”
  • “They’re in a better place now”
  • “There’s a reason for everything”

Don’t Minimize Their Pain

While potentially good-intentioned, sometimes people can say things that minimize the loss and grief of the individual.

Don’t say:

  • “Look at what you have to be thankful for”
  • “This is behind you now”
  • “They were sick for a long time and maybe it is better now they’re gone”

Don’t Be Pushy

Avoid statements that begin with “You should” or “You will.” These statements are too direct. Instead begin comments with “Have you thought about” or “You might try.”

Don’t say:

  • “Be strong”
  • “It’s time to get on with your life”
  • “Don’t cry”

Don’t Compare Your Loss to Theirs

People grieve in unique ways. Grief comparisons turn the focus on you rather than the person grieving. The fact is, you may not know what they are feeling.

Don’t say:

  • “I know how you feel”
  • “If you do XYZ, you will feel better. It worked for me”

Don’t Be Presumptuous

This is especially true if you didn’t have a close relationship with the deceased person. Don’t assume to know what they would have wanted for whoever is left behind.

Don’t say:

  • “The person who has died would not want you to feel sad”

Therapy can help one prepare for difficult situations and be comforting to others. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by BetterHelp

Visit BetterHelp

How to Help Someone Who Has Lost a Loved One

When in doubt about how to comfort someone who has lost a loved one, remember that actions can be more effective than words. Active ways to help a loved one cope with grief include doing a specific task for them, frequently checking in with them, remembering and reaching out on specific dates, and helping them locate a qualified therapist.

Do a Specific Task

This might look like bringing them a meal, helping them with childcare, cleaning their kitchen, or running an errand. Keep the plans concrete. For instance, vaguely offering help or asking someone to let you know if they need help is often less helpful than saying, “Can I drop off dinner next Wednesday?”

Check In With Them

Whether you do this via phone call, text, card, or an in-person visit, it’s important to check in at a regular frequency. It doesn’t need to be complicated; just remind your loved one that you’re thinking about them and what they’re going through. How often you check in depends largely on your relationship with the person.

Reach Out On Important Dates

Make an effort to remember specific dates like birthdays, anniversaries, and even death anniversaries. These make good moments to check in, because your loved one probably feels especially isolated and sad. Consider sending a card or a simple text.

Help Them Find a Therapist

If you think your loved one who just lost someone is at risk for depression or self-harm, support them by helping them reach out to receive professional help. Build out a list of resources, including physicians, grief groups, and counselors.

How to Find a Therapist

If you or someone you love is ready to find a therapist, start your search in an online directory. A free, comprehensive list can get you started, allowing you to filter your search by location, cost, types of therapy, and more.

Depression vs. Sadness

There is a difference between depression vs. sadness. Sometimes, bereavement evolves from sadness into depression or even thoughts of self-harm or suicide. Someone with depression often notes symptoms of depression that last for at least two weeks and interfere with their ability to function at home, work, and school. If you observe these symptoms, encourage the person to get help from a therapist specializing in grief counseling.

Common characteristics of depression include:1

  • Low mood or increased irritability
  • Low motivation
  • Low energy
  • Significant changes to sleeping routine
  • Weight gain, weight loss, or diet changes
  • Difficulty thinking clearly, focusing, and making healthy choices
  • Increased feelings of guilt or worthlessness
  • Suicidal ideation

Final Thoughts on How to Console Someone Who Lost a Loved One

It’s not easy to know what to say or how to console someone who has lost a loved one, but any of the listed statements or even a simple hug can make a big difference.7 Know that you can show support just by being there for them.

Additional Resources

Education is just the first step on our path to improved mental health and emotional wellness. To help our readers take the next step in their journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy may be compensated for marketing by the companies mentioned below.

Online Therapy 

BetterHelp Get support and guidance from a licensed therapist. BetterHelp has over 20,000 therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy.  Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you. Get Started

Virtual Psychiatry

Talkiatry Get help from a real doctor that takes your insurance. Talkiatry offers medication management and online visits with top-rated psychiatrists. Take the online assessment and have your first appointment within a week. Free Assessment

Guided Psychedelic Journeys

Innerwell Ketamine is a prescription medication that clinicians can prescribe off-label to treat trauma, depression, anxiety, and OCD. Innerwell pairs ketamine with support from licensed psychotherapists. Find out if you’re a good candidate: Take Online Assessment

Grief And Loss Newsletter

A free newsletter from Choosing Therapy for those impacted by the loss of a loved one. Get encouragement, helpful tips, and the latest information. Sign Up

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by BetterHelp, Innerwell, and Talkiatry.

For Further Reading

  • The Compassionate Friends: A non-profit organization to help parents who have lost a child. It offers support groups, resources, education, and on-line chat rooms.
  • Hospice Foundation of America: offers grief counseling to patients and family members of someone who has died.
  • Widowed Village online Forum: Part of Soaring Spirits International-online community available 24/7 offering peer based support groups offering grief counseling and support.
  • Best Books on Grief
  • Online Therapist Directory: Sort therapists by specialty, cost, availability and more. Watch intro videos and see articles written by the therapists you’re considering working with. When you’ve found a good match, book an online therapy appointment with them directly.
  • Mental Health America
  • National Alliance on Mental Health
  • MentalHealth.gov

What to Say to Someone Who Lost a Loved One Infographics

What to Say When Someone Loses a Loved One What Not to Say to Someone Who Lost a Loved One How to Help Someone Who Has Lost a Loved One

7 sources

Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

  • Julianne R. Oates, Patricia A. Maani-Fogelman. Nursing Grief and Loss. (August 11, 2021). StatPearls Publishing. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK518989/

  • Katherine C. Nordal, PhD. Grief: Coping With the Loss of Your Loved One. American Psychological Association (January 1, 2020). Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/topics/families/grief

  • How to Talk to Someone Grieving. Grief.com. Retrieved from https://grief.com/10-best-worst-things-to-say-to-someone-in-grief/

  • What to say to someone who has been bereaved. Sue Ryder palliative, neurological, and bereavement support. Retrieved from https://www.sueryder.org/how-we-can-help/bereavement-information/supporting-someone-else/what-to-say

  • Helen Fitzgerald, CT. Helping Your Bereaved Friend. (2000) American Hospice Foundation. Retrieved from https://americanhospice.org/working-through-grief/helping-your-bereaved-friend/

     

  • Helen Fitzgerald, CT. Helping Your Bereaved Friend. (2000) American Hospice Foundation. Retrieved from https://americanhospice.org/working-through-grief/helping-your-bereaved-friend/

  • Colin Muray Parkes, MD. Bereavement in Adult Life. British Medical Journal. March 14, 1998. 316(7134) 856-859. Doi: 10.1136/bmj.316.7134.856 Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1112778/

update history

We regularly update the articles on ChoosingTherapy.com to ensure we continue to reflect scientific consensus on the topics we cover, to incorporate new research into our articles, and to better answer our audience’s questions. When our content undergoes a significant revision, we summarize the changes that were made and the date on which they occurred. We also record the authors and medical reviewers who contributed to previous versions of the article. Read more about our editorial policies here.

  • Originally Published: November 8, 2021
    Original Author: Iris Waichler, LCSW
    Original Reviewer: Trishanna Sookdeo, MD, MPH, FAAFP

  • Updated: October 25, 2022
    Author: No Change
    Reviewer: No Change
    Primary Changes: Updated for readability and clarity. Reviewed and added relevant resources.

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Headshot of Iris Waichler MSW, LCSW
Written by:

Iris Waichler

MSW, LCSW
Headshot of Trishanna Sookdeo, MD, MPH, FAAFP
Reviewed by:

Trishanna Sookdeo

MD, MPH, FAAFP
  • The Do’s & Don’ts When Talking About GriefDo's & Don'ts
  • What Not to Say to Someone Who Lost a Loved OneWhat Not to Say
  • How to Help Someone Who Has Lost a Loved OneHow to Help
  • Depression vs. SadnessDepression vs. Sadness
  • Final Thoughts on How to Console Someone Who Lost a Loved OneConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
  • What to Say to Someone Who Lost a Loved One InfographicsInfographics
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