A grief ritual is something a person can do after experiencing loss as a way to honor their deceased loved one, process their grief, and let go of some of the negative feelings related to the loss.1 Grief rituals vary, should be unique to the situation, and can be done individually or with others.2,3,4
What Are Grief Rituals?
Grief rituals, also called mourning rituals, help people honor and remember the deceased, engage in self-transformation, and begin “letting go.”5,6 Rituals include behaviors or activities that relate to the deceased person in some way.6 They might be formal like a religious service or informal like talking out loud to the deceased.4
Rituals for letting go may involve a celebration of the bond with the deceased, which can bring positive emotions. Grief rituals that involve self-transformation help people reflect, identify negative feelings, and develop goals for the future. This can also help people process difficult emotions.1
Mourning rituals can be done at any time throughout the year, such as a loved one’s death anniversary or birthday. Mourning rituals can also be done for all types of losses like the death of a parent, death of a grandparent, death of a child, or loss of a pet.
Despite the five stages and seven stages of grief model being a common framework for mourning loss, it’s often misinterpreted.5 Grief is a unique experience for everyone and people have a wide variety of normal grief reactions outside of or in addition to denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These reactions also don’t have to occur in any specific order.5,7
Here are examples of grief rituals:7,8
- Having a funeral
- Lighting a candle in the deceased’s honor
- Visiting the grave
- Spending time in places the deceased found special
- Praying in their honor
- Playing meaningful songs or developing playlists in their honor6,9
Do Mourning Rituals Help?
Research shows that mourning rituals can help people adjust to the loss, develop an ongoing connection with the deceased, and feel a sense of control.2,6,10,11,12 Mourning rituals also serve as an act of remembrance and can help create a connection with one’s community and support system.4,13,14,15
Here are several benefits to practicing grief rituals:
- Promotes acceptance3
- Provides emotional comfort4
- Contains and/or expresses intense feelings7
- Continues an emotional bond with the person who died4
- Provides ways to connect with your social supports like friends and family7
- Provides a sense of order and control around your grief7
- Provides a way to develop meaning from the loss17
12 Ideas For Grief Rituals
A grief ritual often involves a meaningful symbolic object. These objects can be physical, like a photo of the person who died, or nonphysical like music or prayers. Engaging in rituals of grief validates the loss while still helping the bereaved acknowledge that their relationship with the deceased can continue on symbolically.6
Rituals of grief can also be helpful with types of grief beyond the death of a loved one, like complicated grief, disenfranchised grief (e.g., the loss of a pet), or ambiguous loss (e.g., loss related to a disappearance or Alzheimer’s).16,17,18,19,20 They are as unique as the person who creates them. If it’s a meaningful ritual to you or the lost loved one, then it will likely be beneficial to your grief work.4
Here are twelve ideas for grief rituals:
1. Visit the Grave or Create a “Rubbing” of the Cemetery Marker
Visiting the grave can honor your loved one and bring a sense of connection. A “rubbing” ritual involves placing a thin sheet of paper over the cemetery marker and using a crayon or chalk to rub the surface. Now you can bring the transferred image of the marker with you wherever you go.6,7
2. Share Photos of the Deceased & Talk About Them
It can be helpful to connect with your support network by sharing old photos and memories of the deceased. This allows you to reflect on the good times and start letting go of painful emotions.1
3. Wear a Clothing Item of Your Deceased Loved One
Wearing a special item like a piece of jewelry or a favorite shirt can serve as a linking object to a loved one and a way to continue the bond.4 It can also be used in a ritual of letting go where you dispose of the item in some way, releasing related negative emotions.
4. Create a memory box
Decorate something like a shoebox in honor of the deceased.21 Keep special items or photos in the box to revisit when desired. The ritual can help people learn to contain their emotions, experiencing them fully when looking at the items and putting them away when they’re done.
5. Perform Acts of Service
Think about the causes the deceased loved one supported or cared about. Consider making donations to charities or volunteering for those causes.22 These acts honor the deceased, carry on their legacy, and help you feel more connected to them.
6. Go to Their Favorite Place
Visiting a favorite place (e.g., city, beach, restaurant, park) you shared with your lost loved one can allow for a sense of connection and remembrance. It can also help you let go of negative emotions.22
7. Do Yearly Remembrance Activities/Celebrations
Annual rituals serve as time-honored traditions of reflection and remembrance.6 Consider doing something like buying your loved one’s favorite flowers every year or going out to dinner with all the people who loved them most.
8. Engage In Art
Creative expression through things like painting, writing, and cooking (just to name a few!) help people express and explore positive and negative feelings about their relationship with the deceased loved one.1
9. Write a Letter to Your Loved One
Writing a letter can help you feel more connected to your loved one. It offers you a chance to connect and pay tribute. Alternatively, consider writing down exactly how you feel and tossing it into a fire.4 It can also be a beautiful ritual of letting go.
10. Plant Something In Remembrance
Plant a tree or flowers to help bring your focus to the future while honoring the deceased. Perennials, for example, come back every year, giving you something to look forward to as a nod to your lost loved one.4,22
11. Use an Everyday Item of the Deceased
Using something like a loved one’s favorite mug for morning coffee can bring a sense of meaning, connection, and comfort, serving as a linking object between you and them.7
12. Get Creative & Develop Your Own Rituals
Thinking about the activities you enjoyed with your loved ones can help you feel more connected to them. Spend time brainstorming how you spent time with each other (e.g., going to the movies, listening to music, hiking); develop a mourning ritual around this activity.
When to Seek Professional Help
Prolonged grief disorder (PDG) is when grief significantly impairs your life in various ways. If you’re still experiencing an intense sense of yearning/longing for your loved one and/or being overly preoccupied with memories of them daily for at least 12 months or more after their death (or at least 6 months or more for kids and adolescents), reach out to a professional.23
An experienced professional can help assess if other symptoms of PDG are present while helping you find ways to process your grief and re-engage in life. Grief counseling can also give you the tools to cope with your grief and a safe place to share without judgment.7
If you think your grief is prolonged, complicated, or delayed, it might be time to find a therapist. One simple way to find a therapist is to use an online therapist directory, where you can search by specialty (like grief and loss) and insurance coverage.
Final Thoughts
Grief rituals can be a wonderful way to honor your loved one, share your thoughts and feelings, and develop a new type of connection with the deceased. The best rituals are meaningful to you, so take time to think of ways you can develop personal mourning rituals that help you work through your grief and re-engage in life.
For Further Reading
- Grief.com
- The Center for Prolonged Grief
- The Compassionate Friends
- Parents with Partners, Inc
- Bereaved Parents of the USA
- Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement
- “What to Say to Someone Who Lost a Loved One”
- “Best Grief Podcasts”
- “Best Books on Grief”
- “Best Christian Books on Grief”
- “How to Explain Death to a Child”
- “Best Books on Losing a Parent”
- “Bible Verses for the Loss of a Parent”
Grief Rituals Infographics
