Passive–Aggressive Communication: Definition, Examples, and Tips

What Is Passive-Aggressive Communication?

Similar to passive-aggressive behavior, which involves actions and behaviors to convey one’s opinions in an unhealthy way, passive-aggressive communication involves words and communication tactics to convey thoughts and feelings that one does not feel able to express verbally.

When we do not have the tools to express frustration, it can build- but it doesn’t go away. Instead it will come out through comments or phrases disguised as “helpful” or “surprised” that are actually offensive or hurtful.

Examples of passive-aggressive communication are:

• Body language such as hunched shoulders
• Eye rolling
• Saying something like “no offense, but….”
• Saying “it’s not that serious” or “it’s not that complicated”
• Sending a “thumbs up” emoji or saying a short word like “fine” or “yup, whatever”
• “That dinner you cooked was surprisingly good”
• Sending emails with the phrase “per my last email” or texts saying “for future reference”

What Does Passive-Aggressive Communication Look Like?

Most people understand that it is culturally inappropriate to speak or behave in ways that convey aggression. Therefore, people communicate this aggression indirectly through verbal and nonverbal means.¹

Some of the physical signs of passive-aggressive communication are avoiding eye contact, copying a boss on an email, or giving the silent treatment. However, it should be noted that not all behaviors such as avoiding eye contact are attempts to be passive aggressive, as many neurodivergent people struggle with intense eye contact.

What Are the Beliefs of Passive-Aggressive Communicators?

People who communicate in passive aggressive ways often are unaware that they are engaging in this behavior, and many are even less aware of its effect on others. People who are habitual passive-aggressive communicators often believe that the world is an unsafe place that will not be receptive to their opinions and needs, and thus they embody their beliefs through their communication style.

What Emotions Drive Passive-Aggressive Communication?

Passive-aggressive communication is often driven by negative emotions such as frustration, fear, resentment, overwhelm, and displeasure. Unable to say that they feel this way, the person finds other ways of showing these feelings indirectly. “Passive aggression originates from the depths of an individual’s personality and produces pathological effects through various types of behavior.”²

What Are the Goals of Passive-Aggressive Communication?

Someone who engages in passive-aggressive communication does so with the goal of not having to express their direct feelings and thoughts. Their communication style reveals these goals by demonstrating their displeasure without hearing it directly from them.

Impacts of Passive-Aggressive Communication

Some of the consequences of using passive-aggressive communication to get your point across are not being believed by others, being seen as difficult to communicate or converse with, and not having genuine relationships.

While some passive-aggressive communicators are good at getting what they want, they often find that this means of getting their needs met results in relationships where people feel intimidated or bothered by them.

Benefits of Passive-Aggressive Communication

All behavior is shaped from reinforcements. People who communicate in passive-aggressive ways usually learned that these behaviors have been reinforced. Therefore, avoiding difficult conversations has benefited them in the past, so they continue to engage in communication using this method.

For people who are not allowed to speak about their opinions without fear of repercussions, using passive aggressive communication might be the only way for them to express these negative feelings instead of letting them build more.

Why Is Passive-Aggressive Communication Ineffective?

Some of the negative effects of passive-aggressive communication include inability to express difficult emotions, and lack of deeper connections with peers and relationships. Passive aggressive communication often leads to resentment, confusion due to mixed messaging, and can lead to destruction of the relationship.

Mental Health & Passive-Aggressive Communication

Researchers Hopwood and Wright in 2012 found three hypotheses of why people might engage in passive-aggressive behaviors:first, as a way of expressing negative emotions or interpersonal grievances,” Second, insecurity with self and others, particularly authority figures, and lastly “passive aggressive people may ruminate about how others treat them unfairly or disrespect them, and develop a deep but perhaps unexpressed sense of resentment and contempt.”³

Sometimes, passive-aggressive communication is a symptom of other mental health concerns. Here are some concerns that someone prone to being a passive-aggressive communicator be on the lookout for.

Mental health concerns associated with passive-aggressive communication include:

• Fear of conflict: When we have a fear of conflict, we are more likely to engage in passive aggressive behaviors and communication due to fears of being direct and starting a possible argument.
• Depression: If someone has depression, they may feel bad about themselves and have low energy to engage in discussions, leading to some resorting to passive-aggressive communication
• Anxiety: Anxiety can manifest in many different ways, including using passive-aggressive communication to avoid having to be direct with a person or to avoid having to be vulnerable in a conversation.
• Low self- worth: People who do not believe that they deserve to have their feelings and opinions heard may not think that they are able to be direct, and instead communicate in passive aggressive ways.
• Easily intimidated by certain genders/authority figures/etc: If you do not feel comfortable talking to women, or have a fear of men or police, you will struggle to be direct with them.

How to Tell if You’re a Passive-Aggressive Communicator

Most of us can display passive aggressive communication from time to time, and sometimes people do not have a choice. For example, an unreasonable boss or parent may not allow or respond to clear and direct communication, which leads to using passive-aggressive communication as a survival tactic to deal with the unreasonable person. However, if someone uses passive-aggressive communication with many people, then there may be a problem.

If you want to know if you engage in this style of communication more often, ask yourself these questions:

• Do I feel comfortable expressing my displeasure to others?
• Do I frequently engage in behaviors such as making jokes to deflect from my displeasure?
• Do I often feel like I have no control over situations and have no power to improve them?
• Do I frequently complain about things that I feel powerless to change?
• Do I worry that being honest about my feelings will result in conflict or awkwardness?

How to Tell if Someone Else Is a Passive-Aggressive Communicator

If someone works with, lives with, or has a relationship with a person who is a passive-aggressive communicator, you may already have a feeling that something doesn’t feel right.

Many people report things such as their partner saying “I’m fine,” in a tone and body language that conveys that they are anything but fine. But what are some other ways that you can identify this trait?

Signs a communicator is passive-aggressive include:

• Sighing loudly
• Complaining
• Blame-shifting
• Feigned forgetfulness
• Pretending not to hear someone who is talking
• Eye rolling
• Being immersed on one’s phone when someone is talking to them
• Saying things like “fine” or “don’t worry about it” while you can tell they are upset

How to Have Tough Conversations With a Passive-Aggressive Communicator

Some of the challenges of conversing with a passive-aggressive communicator involve receiving mixed messages and not being able to fully trust someone. This can make trying to have a tough conversation with them difficult. Here are some ways that someone can go about preparing for a difficult conversation with a passive-aggressive communicator.

Below are tips for having a difficult conversation with a passive-aggressive communicator:

• Call it out: Say something like “you seem upset, do you want to talk about it?” This will give them a chance to be honest and open with you if something is bothering them.
• Rephrase their message in positive, assertive terms: Rephrasing is important when dealing with passive-aggressive communicators. Try to rephrase their message, as this will force them to be more clear and direct.
• Build up the passive-aggressive person: Most of us automatically feel better when praised. Praising is a good tactic to use with someone who is behaving passive aggressively, as this might help build their confidence to be more direct.
• Ask “is this a good time to have this conversation?”: This will direct the focus onto their needs and might force them to be more direct.
• Schedule a time to talk: Sometimes people do not feel comfortable when put on the spot and feel uncomfortable saying this.
• Tell them your discomfort: Saying something about how you feel like there have been mixed messages about their displeasure or discomfort might give them an opening to start the conversation.

10 Ways to Improve Your Passive-Aggressive Communication Style

There is a difference between passive-aggressive and assertive communication. Assertive communication involves being more direct. Those who are passive-aggressive communicators can benefit from working towards being more assertive.

10 tips to improve your passive-aggressive communication style are:

1. Take a moment to reflect: Ask yourself: “how would this sound if I received this email/text from someone else?” This will likely give you an idea of whether it sounds kind or passive aggressive.
2. Rise above negativity: Choosing not to play into someone’s negativity can help keep a boundary between you and them.
3. Focus on positive solutions: Venting can serve a much needed purpose sometimes. But every time you find yourself venting or being negative, focus on what you can do to come up with a solution.
4. Avoid speaking mistruths: When you say things such as “I’m fine,” or “whatever,” it conveys the opposite- that you are not fine. Avoid engaging in this behavior.
5. Speak to the person instead of about them: This will help you avoid indirect communication that could be passive aggressive.
6. Avoid triangulation: Avoid going to a superior or boss before trying to work it out with the person
7. Be an active listener: “The starting place for effective communication is effective listening.”⁴
8. Avoid participating in gossip: Talking about someone, instead of to them, is a passive aggressive way to communicate.
9. Consider cultural implications: Not everyone responds to or engages in communication in the same way. “Individuals from different cultures may assign very different meanings to facial expressions, use of space, and, especially, gestures.”⁴ An example of this is cultures where it is disrespectful to make direct eye contact. “But in the United States, this body language could be misinterpreted as a lack of interest or a lack of attention.”⁴
10.  Be more approachable: Take a moment to reflect on how you are acting with others. Are you approachable to others? Being aware of our own body language is essential to effective communication.

When to Seek Help

If you find that your inability to communicate in direct ways is preventing you from having a healthy relationship, professional help is available. Therapy may be helpful for someone wanting to stop being passive aggressive and learn to communicate in direct, healthier ways. Today, online therapy is a great resource for people who want help but have a busy schedule. Some tips for finding a therapist to work through these concerns are to look for someone who has an understanding of communication and how self confidence affects relationships. You can start your search using an online therapist directory.

In My Experience

In my experience, there are many reasons why someone would feel the need to communicate in a passive aggressive way. Usually these are people who were unable to use direct language to convey their feelings due to shame and punishment in their family of origin, so they developed passive aggressive ways to get these feelings out.