Is It ROCD or Just the Wrong Relationship?

What Is ROCD?

Relationship OCD (ROCD) is a subtype of obsessive-compulsive disorder that causes excessive anxiety about a close relationship in a person’s life.^{1, 2} These insecurities cause the person with ROCD to use compulsive behaviors like seeking reassurance or checking their partner’s location. While these compulsions provide short-term relief, they tend to worsen symptoms of OCD in the long run while also causing conflict within the relationship.^{1, 3, 4}

Like all forms of OCD, the primary symptoms of ROCD are the presence of:⁵

• Obsessions: Obsessions are repeated, unwanted, and intrusive thoughts, mental images, or urges related to a relationship or person that cause a lot of distress or impairment. In ROCD, obsessions center around fears, worries, and doubts about a relationship or person who you’re in a relationship with.
• Compulsions: Compulsions are behaviors, rituals, routines, or mental acts that are repeatedly used to counteract, stop, or control distressing thoughts and feelings. Most ROCD compulsions are attempts to feel more secure and certain in relationships.

How to Recognize ROCD

ROCD can be difficult to detect because it’s normal to experience doubts and fears in relationships. Someone with a milder case of ROCD might spend an hour per day obsessing over a relationship, and someone with a more severe case might spend several.⁵ People with ROCD are often unsure whether their fears are a symptom of their OCD or a real problem in their relationship. Interestingly, the obsessive questioning is one of the most common ways that ROCD shows up.^{1, 2, 4, 7}

The specific content of obsessive ROCD thoughts will depend on the person and the relationship they’re fixating on, but always center on concerns about a relationship or person.^{1, 3, 7}

Here are some common examples of ROCD obsessive thoughts:

• Getting stuck on the idea that you and your fiancé aren’t really compatible
• Becoming overly fixated on minor flaws or pet peeves you notice in your partner
• Persistent concern about a romantic partner cheating despite having no evidence
• The idea that all of your friends might be talking badly about you behind your back
• Questioning whether you still enjoy the company of your best friend from childhood

During times when someone is struggling with a lot of ROCD obsessions, they may experience strong urges to repeat a certain behavior, routine, or mental action.⁵ These are ROCD compulsions that attempt to lessen ROCD thoughts and the anxiety they cause.

Here are some common examples of ROCD compulsions:^{1, 3, 4, 7}

• Completing countless online compatibility and personality quizzes with your partner
• Making a list of your partner’s good qualities to feel less guilty about being so critical
• Using a phone or app to track a partner’s location and ensure they’re not cheating
• Asking each friend to recount the conversation that was had when you weren’t there
• Doing a mental review of every memory with your friend & trying to recall how it felt

Is It ROCD or Just the Wrong Relationship?

Doubts and concerns about a relationship can be a sign of ROCD and a wrong relationship, so it’s necessary to use other cues to distinguish the two. The difference between normal relationship anxiety and ROCD is the amount of time and energy these obsessions and compulsions consume. An ROCD diagnosis requires obsessions and compulsions take up to one hour or more per day, and severe enough to interfere with daily functioning.^{5, 6}

Here are nine signs it is ROCD and not the wrong relationship:^{4, 7}

1. You Have to Use Your Imagination to Create the Issue

Some fears and worries are based on reality, but most ROCD ones are not. One way to differentiate between ROCD and a wrong relationship is to consider the evidence for and against the specific relationship fears you have. If there is little or no evidence that they’re real, it’s more likely that you’re dealing with symptoms of ROCD and not an actual problem in your relationship.

If you need to use your imagination to construct scenarios where the problem would arise, this is also a sign of ROCD rather than an actual problem in the relationship. The same is also true if your fears are hypothetical in nature (related to things that might or could happen in the future). While real relationship problems come from things people say and do in the relationship, ROCD ones stem from inside a person’s mind.

2. Your Concerns Didn’t Originate Inside the Relationship

Another way you can distinguish between ROCD obsessions and real-world relationship problems is to find their origin point. Try to remember when and where you first had a concerning thought or doubt about your relationship. If you can, trace them back to a specific moment, situation, or trigger. Past relationships can be triggers if you were in an unhealthy relationship, and can be harmful influences on your own relationship with your partner if they are jealous of your relationship or if they are negative/toxic.

If your concerns and doubts were first triggered by a T.V. show, a Reddit post, or something someone else did or had happen to them, it’s more likely you’re dealing with ROCD. If the trigger was related to something that actually happened in your relationship (i.e., something your partner said or did), it’s more likely that your concerns are related to an actual problem in the relationship that hasn’t been resolved.

3. The Relationship Problems Seem Bigger When You’re Alone

Another way to find out whether your relationship doubts stem from ROCD or a real relationship issue is to reflect on when these doubts tend to show up now. More specifically, consider whether it happens in moments when you’re interacting with the person or in moments when you’re alone.

With ROCD, the concerns about your relationship might feel bigger when you’re alone with your thoughts and not in moments when you’re interacting with the person. When the problem is arising from the relationship, the doubts and concerns are more likely to be triggered by actual things the other person is saying and doing in the moment.

4. Your Doubts Are Intermittent & Cyclical in Nature

Paying attention to whether your relationship doubts come and go or linger can help you differentiate between ROCD symptoms and symptoms of relationship incompatibility. When someone is struggling with ROCD, the relationship doubts and concerns they have are more likely to be intermittent in nature. When the doubts are being caused by an actual problem or incompatibility with someone, the doubt often feels more consistent in nature.

ROCD doubts usually follow a cyclical pattern. The relationship OCD cycle involves obsessing, distressing, and compulsing.⁸ The obsessing part of the cycle is when you are worrying, ruminating, and thinking about your concerns with the person or relationship. This leads to distress, which can arise as sadness, jealousy, anxiety, frustration, or even guilt. The compulsive part of the cycle involves all of the things you feel you need to do in order to alleviate your doubts and distress, including research and reassurance seeking.

5. You’re Really Afraid of Making the Wrong Choice

Another way to determine whether your negative relationship thoughts are related to ROCD or not is to consider why you feel the need to be certain about your relationship. If you’re in the wrong relationship, your core fears might be centered around existing problems getting worse. When you have ROCD, your commitment issues are more likely to stem from the fear of making the wrong choice about the relationship and regretting it later on.

Even though both kinds of anxiety can cause similar experiences of distress, they tend to arise from different kinds of circumstances. One is a fear that existing problems will worsen, and another is that potential problems will arise in the future, even if they aren’t there now. When the fears are centered around problems that don’t currently exist in the relationship, it’s much more likely that ROCD is the cause.

6. You Feel More Confused Than Unhappy in Your Relationship

There’s a difference between being unhappy in a relationship and feeling confused or uncertain. If you’re in the wrong relationship, it’s more likely that you’ll feel unhappy, even when things seem to be going ok. If you’re struggling with ROCD, it’s more likely that you would describe feeling confused rather than unhappy.

Because ROCD is caused by intense feelings of self-doubt and a fear of making mistakes, there’s a lot of back-and-forth that happens in the mind of someone with OCD. This might involve hours of thinking, comparing, and analyzing that, in the end, only leaves you feeling more uncertain. When there are serious problems or incompatibilities in a relationship, confusion might be mixed into your relationship distress, but it’s less likely to be a primary state you get stuck in.

7. This Has Happened Before in Previous Relationships

Another way you might be able to determine whether your relationship woes are related to ROCD or not is to consider whether the concerns you’re noticing have shown up in other relationships. If so, it may be another sign that you’re dealing with ROCD rather than a wrong relationship. If you have ROCD, it’s likely that you’ve had these kinds of doubts and worries in a prior relationship, even if they showed up in slightly different ways.

For example, you might have a pattern of believing partners are cheating or a history of suspiciousness towards friends or family members. If so, it’s also probable that you can look back at some of these experiences and see the flawed logic that you applied to these relationships and also the damage this caused. When doubt is a repeating pattern in your relationships, it’s more likely that the problems are linked to ROCD and not the specific relationship.

8. No Amount of Reassurance Seems to Help (For Long)

Another sign of ROCD is when your doubts and fears don’t go away, no matter how much reassurance you are given. Seeking reassurance is one of the most common ROCD compulsions and involves needing to ask questions, find answers, and get confirmation of something over and over again. This might mean repeatedly asking your partner if they really love you, asking a friend if they’re mad at you, or even reading advice columns online that provide some reassurance.

While reassurance is usually a good remedy for doubt, OCD-related doubts are more persistent in nature. Over time, reassurance becomes less effective at helping relieve OCD-related anxiety and doubt, and the relief becomes more temporary in nature. If you notice that reassurance does less and less to help your relationship doubts, this might be another indication that you are struggling with ROCD.

9. You’re A Perfectionist & It Trickles Into Relationships

Several studies have found a strong correlation between perfectionism and OCD, which can show up as the preoccupation with finding the ‘right’ or ‘perfect’ partner or relationship.^{1, 3} Oftentimes, this perfectionism causes people to set unreachable and unreasonable standards that cannot be met, no matter who the person is or what kind of relationship they have. If you struggle with perfectionism and have some of these thoughts, it could be another sign that your relational fears are tied more to your OCD than to your partner or relationship.

One way to determine whether you’re bringing perfectionism into your relationships is to get specific about the standards and expectations you’ve set for your partner or relationship. If there are a lot of them, make a list of what they are and when you’re done, reflect on whether they seem reasonable and reachable. If they don’t, it’s likely that there’s more of a problem with your expectations than with your relationship, which is common in people with ROCD.

Treatment for Relationship OCD

The most effective treatment for ROCD is therapy, medication, or a combination of both. Certain types of therapy are more effective than others in treating ROCD, with cognitive behavioral therapy and exposure therapies being among the most effective.⁹ Because OCD is one of the most commonly misdiagnosed mental health disorders, finding a therapist who specializes in OCD is essential.

Here are some of the most effective treatments for OCD:⁹

• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): CBT for OCD is an effective treatment option that works by teaching people how to monitor and interrupt unhelpful thoughts and behaviors that worsen symptoms. CBT usually lasts between 12-24 sessions and can be provided in group or individual therapy sessions.
• Exposure and response prevention (ERP): ERP is a specialized form of exposure therapy for OCD that helps people develop coping skills to gradually expose themselves to feared situations they normally avoid. Over time, these exposures help them become desensitized to their triggers and become more confident in their ability to cope in healthy ways without relying on compulsive routines and avoidance.
• Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): Acceptance and commitment therapy is a third-wave behavior therapy that teaches people how to use mindfulness and acceptance skills to respond differently to difficult thoughts and feelings. In ACT for OCD, people learn how to refocus attention away from obsessive thoughts, avoid acting on compulsive urges, and make decisions based on their values and goals.
• Medications for OCD: There are no FDA-approved medications for OCD, but anti-anxiety medications, SSRIs, and antipsychotics are sometimes prescribed off-label for symptoms of OCD.

How to Cope With Relationship OCD

ROCD can cause intense feelings of anxiety and distress for people in relationships, and many describe it feels like a form of mental torture. The good news is that in treatment, it’s possible to learn effective OCD coping skills that can help avoid getting stuck in the ROCD cycle. Outside of treatment, one can apply these skills to reduce symptoms and function better.

Here are some effective and healthy ways to cope with ROCD symptoms:

Stop Fighting Your ROCD Thoughts

Because ROCD thoughts can be distressing, a lot of people make the mistake of trying to fight, stop, change, or control them, but this can get you even more stuck in them. Instead of feeling the need to struggle against the thoughts you don’t like, practice just observing them as if you were reading them on a billboard you are driving by.

Refocus Your Attention on Something in the Present

When you notice an ROCD thought, giving it a lot of attention is similar to feeding it and making it stronger. Avoid doing this by noticing the thought and choosing to refocus your attention on something in the present. By doing so, you are helping train yourself to spend more time in your life and less time in your head.

Avoid Acting on Compulsive Urges

Another way you give power to ROCD thoughts and doubts is to give in to your urges to check, seek reassurance, research, or engage in other compulsions. Giving in to urges only makes them bigger and stronger next time and doesn’t provide you with lasting relief. Take your power back by riding out the ‘wave’ of the urge without acting on it. Once it passes, you’re less likely to act in ways that are impulsive or compulsive.

Be More Present During Quality Time With the Person

Since ROCD relationship problems are mostly generated in the mind (v.s. by the person or relationship), it can help to spend more quality time with the person. Protect the quality of this time by not allowing yourself to become negative, critical, or judgmental. Instead, just allow yourself to be fully present and enjoy the time you spend with them. This will also help you maintain closeness in the relationship.

Start a Daily Gratitude Habit

Making a list of three things you appreciate about someone or about a relationship you’re in is a great way to counteract ROCD thoughts. This simple daily gratitude practice can retrain your thinking patterns by helping remind you of positive aspects that feel difficult to remember during times when you are experiencing negative ROCD thoughts.

Identify & Accept the Worst-Case Scenario

It might seem counterintuitive, but identifying and accepting the worst-case scenario can lessen the power ROCD thoughts have over you. You can do this by turning your ‘what if’ thoughts into ‘even if’ thoughts, which can cue your mind to stop obsessively ruminating over this possibility. Sometimes, this exercise can also help you realize that even if your biggest fear came true, you would probably still be okay.

Use Journaling to ‘Brain Dump’ Intrusive Thoughts

In the minds of someone with ROCD, there are a lot of intrusive thoughts that cause clutter and make it hard to think and focus on other things. To clear out some of this mental clutter, it sometimes helps to use a journal to do an occasional ‘brain dump’ of your thoughts. To do this, set a timer for a few minutes (or however long you need) and use this time to write down whatever is on your mind. When time’s up, tell yourself you’re going to leave those thoughts on the page and move on with your day.

Take Your Relationship One Day at a Time

ROCD doubts can cause a lot of confusion about whether you’re with the right person or in the right relationship, and you might feel a lot of pressure to decide now. In truth, it’s probably not necessary to figure out right now whether to stay in your relationship, and it’s better not to try to force yourself to decide too quickly. If you need to, just approach your relationship one day at a time rather than trying to plan out the future right now.

Celebrate Personal Differences

Since a lot of ROCD obsessions center around seeing differences as ‘problems’ that make you less compatible with someone, it can help to reframe differences in a more positive light. It’s normal and healthy to have diversity in your interests, skills, personality traits, culture, and even your lifestyle. Identifying the positive aspects of the differences you tend to worry about (i.e., exposure to new ideas and experiences) can sometimes help you see them in a different, more positive light.

Avoid Pulling Someone Else Into Your Spirals

A lot of people with ROCD end up damaging or even destroying important close relationships because they make the mistake of pulling the other person into their worry and doubt spirals. Seeking reassurance, interrogating, or even complaining or worrying aloud might seem harmless, but it can cause wear and tear on even the closest bonds if it happens too often. For this reason, it’s best to use journaling, therapy sessions, or the refocusing and mindfulness skills above to deal with ROCD thoughts rather than involving the person you’re in a relationship with.

When to Seek Professional Support

You or your loved one don’t need to wait for ROCD symptoms to get really bad until you reach out for professional support. In fact, early treatment often works better and faster than waiting until symptoms become more severe. Many people are surprised to learn that exposure and response prevention, which is a frontline treatment for ROCD, only requires about 12 therapy sessions to complete. Within this timeframe, most people see a significant improvement or even a remission of their OCD symptoms.⁹

If you are interested in finding a therapist for treating ROCD, the best place to begin your search is online. Many people use an online therapist directory to search for therapists within a certain location who accept their insurance and specialize in OCD. In many cases, online therapy is also an option, allowing you to complete your treatment from the comfort and safety of your own home. For those who want or need medication for their OCD, these directory services often also offer help finding online psychiatrist options.

In My Experience

In my experience, people who struggle with OCD will cycle through multiple different subtypes over the course of their lives, and ROCD often appears in the rotation. ROCD can sow the seeds of doubt in all kinds of relationships, including strong, committed, and healthy relationships. While ROCD doubts can cause a lot of confusion and uncertainty, their presence is usually not an indication of a real problem or at least not a relationship-ending problem. The advice I give to clients is not to feed ROCD doubts by focusing on them, overreacting to them, or engaging in compulsive rituals. While this is more difficult than it sounds, it is the best and fastest way to break free from the OCD cycle of obsessing, distressing, and compulsing.