Sexual Attraction Vs. Romantic Attraction

What Is Sexual Attraction?

Sexual attraction is one of the many types of attraction you can experience and is based on physical features that evoke interest and pleasure. It is the kind of instant attraction that makes you desire sexual contact or show sexual interest in another.¹ Sexual attraction involves arousal, the body’s preparation for sexual activity, and lust or the craving for sexual gratification. If you are feeling turned on by the way the person looks, smells, or tastes and you want to get frisky, you are experiencing sexual attraction.

Sexual attraction can be accompanied by thoughts, fantasies, and urges to have sex and can be felt for someone you just met – or have never met. The vast majority of the population experiences this type of attraction but according to a 2020 study with a U.S. population, 1.66% of respondents identified as asexual, meaning they do not experience sexual attraction for anyone.² Identifying as asexual is entirely normal and one of many valid sexual orientations.

Examples of sexual attraction include:³

• Sexual interest or desire for another person
• Based on first impressions and can be instantaneous
• Can be experienced towards someone you don’t know well or at all
• Based on physical traits such as appearance or smells
• More often fleeting and subsides after sex
• Influenced by adrenaline and arousal

What Is Romantic Attraction?

Romantic attraction is what makes a person desire a loving connection with another and form a more long-lasting bond. It can be experienced alone or in tandem with other kinds of attraction and is accompanied by obsessive thinking about the relationship and meaningful gestures that show interest in developing the relationship. You are experiencing romantic attraction if you want to get to know the other person and spend time with them outside of engaging in sexual activity.

There are different types of romantic attraction and orientation. These define the pattern of romantic attraction based on gender in the way that sexual orientation indicates the pattern of sexual attraction. If you identify as alloromantic, you are someone who experiences romantic attraction. Examples of romantic orientations include but are not limited to, heteroromantic or romantic attraction towards those of a different gender, polyromantic or romantic attraction towards multiple genders, and aromantic, those who do not experience romantic attraction.

Examples of romantic attraction include:⁴

• Desire to spend time together and form a bond
• Interest in learning someone’s interests, hobbies, and values
• Develops after meeting someone
• Can lead to love
• May or may not include sexual attraction
• Accompanied by feeling excited and obsessive thoughts

Understanding Romantic Vs. Sexual Attraction

In addition to types of attraction, various sexual and romantic orientations exist. These orientations are aspects of your identity that indicate which genders you are sexually attracted to, and with whom you desire to have romantic relationships. Although romantic attraction and sexual attraction can be and are often aligned with one another, these types of attraction and their corresponding orientations are distinct and not linked.¹ For example, you can identify as asexual and still experience romantic attraction.

Sexual identity is complex. Understanding the differences between these two types of attraction is important to help understand the layers of your sexual identity. This understanding allows for greater clarity and selectivity when experiencing attraction to someone new. It also provides a foundation for you to express your feelings, expectations, desires, and needs so there are fewer misunderstandings and less confusion that can lead to disappointment and hurt as the relationship progresses.

The Split Attraction Model

The split attraction model specifies that sexual and romantic attraction are independent of one another and uses specific terms to express sexual and romantic orientations. One example using the split attraction model is to identify as pansexual homoromantic, meaning you are sexually attracted to people regardless of gender and romantically attracted to those of the same gender. The asexual community developed this model to help understand the complexities of sexual identity, distinguish these two types of attraction and orientation, and effectively communicate these nuances to new partners.⁵

Although this model has received criticism for being oversimplified and too heavily focused on sexual attraction,⁵ it does offer benefits. Language helps shape and navigate identity and this model offers language that does just that. The Split Attraction Model also gives visibility to those whose romantic and sexual attractions are not in alignment and the language to discuss this with prospective partners which reduces stigma and builds connection in budding relationships. Being able to communicate who you are and what you want is an empowering experience that helps you live in alignment with yourself and invest in relationships that are going to be a good fit for you.

Understanding The Psychology of Attraction

The psychology of attraction helps make sense of why we are attracted to certain people more than others. The psychological principles of attraction influence our level of attraction to a prospective mate, making whom we are attracted to more predictable and less something we can control. Trends show people are more attracted to those that they find physically attractive and match their perceived level of attractiveness, are geographically close, are similar to them, and reciprocate their liking.⁶ If one or more of these principles applies to the person you met, you are more likely to be attracted to them.

There are many types of attraction you can experience for someone. In addition to the two types covered here, someone can experience aesthetic attraction, or the appreciation for the beauty of another, sensual attraction, or the desire to have tactile contact with another in a non-sexual way, emotional attraction, or the desire to get someone due to their personality, and intellectual attraction – the desire to engage with someone intellectually because of how they think.

Attraction Can Be Fixed or Fluid

Who you are attracted to sexually or romantically can change throughout your lifespan. One study showed 26% of girls and 11% of boys reported fluidity in identity and 31% of girls and 10% of boys reported fluidity in attractions.⁷ Self-discovery, new experiences, and learning new terms contribute to the evolution of sexual identity over time. Shifts in attraction, sexual desire, sexual behavior, and how you define your sexual orientation are referred to as sexual fluidity.⁸

Some capture the ongoing shifts in their sexual identity by identifying as sexually fluid. Others use the term when they are in a period of sexual exploration or questioning their sexuality. Unfortunately, stigma does exist toward sexual fluidity despite how common changes in identity and attraction are. Changes occur most frequently during adolescence and among people who are LGBTQ+ but you can experience these changes at any time in your life and regardless of your sexual orientation.

Where To Find Support

Understanding your sexual identity and navigating relationships can be tricky. Having a supportive community normalizes experiences and offers guidance while exploring the complexities of sexual identity and relationships. Talking to friends, joining support groups, and engaging with online forums devoted to the exploration of sexual identity are great resources to learn more and experience connections to others. If you are interested in discussing any concerns or challenges with sexuality or attraction with a professional, you can start finding a therapist and use this online therapist directory to help find a professional that’s right for you.

In My Experience

I find many of my clients experience anxiety, confusion, and shame with regard to their sexual identity due to inheriting fears such as homophobia, biases like heteronormativity, standards for monogamy, and misconceptions about the alignment and fluidity of attraction and orientation from society. These internalized feelings and ideas hinder their process of self-discovery and limit their relationship satisfaction.

For those that struggle with these blocks, I recommend discussing their questions and experiences in an open manner and in a safe environment, whether with a partner, trusted friend, or a professional because it reduces these inhibiting emotions and brings clarity and empowerment in their understanding of self, their lives, and in their relationships. Experiencing complexities with attraction and identity is normal and makes for a beautiful and dynamic landscape for everyone to experience pleasure, connection, and satisfaction in their sexual and romantic lives.