Sexual Dreams: Meaning, Types, & What to Do About Them

What Are Sex Dreams?

Sex dreams are dreams that are sexual in nature. They can be dreams of sexual contact with others or of performing sexual acts in front of others or on the phone with them. They can even be dreams where you have an orgasm while interacting with someone who is not sexual.

Researchers and dream interpreters sometimes disagree about why we dream. However, it is generally understood that dreaming is beneficial and that REM sleep, the sleep state where most dreaming occurs, is crucial for healing the mind and body.¹

Types of Sex Dreams

Because sex is so broad, there are many different ways that sex dreams can manifest. Having sexual contact with another is common, but so is having other times of intimate contact such as kissing, cuddling, or sexual flirtation.

Common sex dreams include:

• Pursuing someone sexually
• Sexual intercourse
• Sexual propositions
• Sexual frustration
• Kissing
• Sex in public
• Sexual fantasies
• Masturbation
• Sexual petting or “dry humping”

What Do Sex Dreams Mean?

Interpreting the meaning of dreams is not a one-size-fits-all process. However, all generally understand that dreams are not to be taken literally- they are usually symbolic and abstract. They tell us a bit about our subconscious while helping us work through stressors from our waking life.

Below are possible meanings of sex dreams:

1. Sex With a Stranger

A common sex dream is one where you are having sex with a random person who you have never met. Maybe you are having sex on a train or airplane with another passenger the night before a business trip.

Dreaming of having sex with a stranger does not mean you want to have sex tomorrow- only that you might be nervous about this upcoming trip, and that stranger, who was calm and stoic, might represent the courage and strength you want to bring with you on this trip.

2. Sex With a Boss or Teacher

Dreaming about having sex with a boss or teacher is often less about having a sexual interest in them and more about them possessing traits that you want. Perhaps your boss is authoritative and commands respect. Or your teacher is intelligent, and you wish you were more quick-witted.

Although these dreams might make for an awkward next morning at work or school, they are usually normal.

 3. Sex With an Ex

Dreaming about having sex with an ex is common, but few admit it due to the shame involved and not warning to hurt a current partner. Having a sexual dream about an ex usually does not mean you miss them! It means the opposite: you are coming to terms with the relationship’s ending and becoming more okay with this.

If you keep dreaming about an ex, however, this might mean that you feel something is lacking in your current relationship, romantically or sexually.

4. Sex Dreams Involving BDSM

Dreaming about having BDSM sex might mean your mind is open to exploring areas of submission, dominance, and control. Dreaming about kinky sex is often a way of our mind telling us that we need to have more (or less) control in our life.

5. Cheating Sex Dreams

Regarding dreams as “wish fulfillments,” psychologist Sigmund Freud theorized that dreams represent our desires and what we would never admit to during waking hours.²

Since then, scientists have expanded their knowledge in dream research. Therefore, dreams about cheating do not mean that you want to cheat.

6. Sex With a Classmate or Colleague

Waking up from a sex dream with a classmate you have never thought of sexually and perhaps never really talked to can feel odd. But do not worry; this does not mean you have a secret crush on them.

Usually, having sex with someone you barely know, but might see often, means there is something about them that you would like to emulate. Perhaps they are strong, assertive, or kind- and you would like to be more of these things.

7. Sex With a Famous Person

Famous people, such as celebrities, public figures, and even political figures, are always at the forefront of our society’s news and media outlets. Therefore, due to their readily available images, they are often a way for our minds to explore a sexual fantasy.

If it is a celeb who you have a crush on, this might be why they appear in your dream. However, if it is someone who you do not think of as attractive physically, perhaps there is something about them that you find alluring or attractive in other ways.

8. Sex With Your Best Friend

If we dream about having sex with someone such as a good friend, this does not mean we want to be sexually intimate with them. This person is a good friend because, presumably, they possess many positive qualities you admire. Dreaming about having sex with your best friend confirms what you already know: that you like many things about them!

9. Sex With Genders You Aren’t Attracted To

During our dreams, we can explore our relationships with others and how we feel about ourselves. Having sex with someone of the same gender if you identify as heterosexual is common and does not mean that you are questioning your sexuality. Likewise, if you are gay but have a dream about the opposite sex, this does not mean your sexuality was a phase.

Our dreams contain scenarios and images that are not created consciously or intentionally.³

10. Dreams About Public Sex

Although it might seem odd, having public sex in a dream is common. The location of the sex is less important in a dream. What is important is the person you are having sex with, and what about that person is important or attractive to you.

11. Dream Where you Catch Your Partner Cheating

“What we see and experience in our dreams might not necessarily be real, but the emotions attached to these experiences certainly are.”⁴ Therefore, dreaming that your partner is cheating does not mean that you have cause for concern. Although, they can sometimes represent abandonment, trust issues, or feelings of betrayal.⁵

12. Sex With a Family Member

Don’t worry, this is normal! Sex dreams are not about sexual contact but the psychological connection with the person and the nature of the relationship.

Maybe your sibling or cousin has some personality trait or talent you envy. Your dream is telling you that. “Early life family relationships affect the sexuality in adulthood, and these influences might be reflected in sexual dreams.”⁶

Can You Stop Having Sex Dreams?

If you find sex dreams intrusive or uncomfortable, there might be some ways to decrease their frequency or even prevent them altogether. The best way to do this is to pay attention and reflect on the message behind the dream and why you are dreaming about this person. For example, if you dream about a strong political figure, this may mean you want to try being more assertive in your life.

Below are tips for managing dreams about sex:

• Enjoy them: If they excite you and you enjoy it, allow it to happen. Sexuality is a positive thing and should not be shamed, and there is nothing wrong with enjoying harmless sex dreams.
• Share with your partner: Some people find the thought of their partner being sexual with someone else alluring. You know your partner best, so proceed accordingly, but this could be a great way to grow and bond as a couple. It could also open the door to conversations about sexual enjoyment and new positions to try.
• Take action: Since most sex dreams are about the desired qualities in the person in the dream, take note of the traits you admire. There may be something about them that you would like to display more of in yourself.
• Practice stress management: Engaging in stress management can be helpful if your dream content is distressing or uncomfortable. Decreasing stress can help you improve sleep quality and improve overall life quality.
• Heal your inner child: If you dream about other people and worry that it represents something unhealed in you, healing one’s inner child could be helpful. Looking at your history and paying attention to your inner child’s needs could help decrease the number of sex dreams.
• If the dream seemed odd, think about its meaning: Psychologist Carl Jung believed that our dreams are a way for the unconscious part of us to come through in different ways, and our dreams can have many different symbolic meanings.⁷ Therefore, if the scenario seemed odd to you, perhaps you are looking at it all wrong, as the dream could have several meanings.
• Have an orgasm before bed: Many people find that they have increased sex dreams when they are feeling sexually frustrated. Taking care of this before bed might help clear your mind and decrease dreaming about sex.

When to Seek Professional Help

In most cases, having a sex dream is not a cause for concern- it is normal. However, for those who find their dream content becoming distressing or uncomfortable, or if they are bringing up any repressed memories, it might be time to reach out for support.

Therapy can help someone whose dream content is causing them stress or bring up memories that are causing negative symptoms. Talking to a therapist can help, look for someone who is sex-positive and understands dreams. Consider online therapy options or use an online therapist directory to find someone to talk to.

In My Experience

In my experience, sex dreams are so normal! I have had many conversations with friends about sexual dreams, and it is great that sex is being normalized and less shamed in upcoming generations. However, there is still a lot of stigma in sexuality, especially for people raised female and those who grew up with poor examples of healthy sexuality in their family environment.