Sex With an Ex: What It Might Mean & Things to Consider

What Does Having Sex With An Ex Mean?

There is no set reason why people have sex with their ex-partners. Different from breakup sex which is sex that happens in the immediate aftermath of a breakup, sex with an ex often comes down to seeking a sense of comfort or familiarity. Sometimes sex with an ex can continue for several months or years.

In some cases, exes can experience sexual intimacy without being in a committed relationship. However, often one or both partners feel stifled or confused. It’s common for someone to still have emotional feelings about the relationship after it ends, and having sex can stunt their ability to heal or move on.

Why People Have Sex With An Ex

People rarely expect to have sex with their exes after breaking up. That said, the phenomenon is relatively common, with research showing that 27% of 17-24-year-olds indicate having sex with an ex within a 2-year period.¹ Also, 22% of people separated from their marital partners report having sex with their ex-spouse within the past 4 months.²

Common reasons people have sex with their ex include:

Still Having Feelings

Feelings don’t disappear just when the relationship ends. Some partners also experience some regret or ambivalence about a breakup. Sex sometimes acts as a way to reaffirm whether the couple wants to get back together or stay separated. In addition, people may have sex with their ex as a temporary substitute for emotional intimacy.

Seeking Closure

Sex can represent the need to seek closure at the end of a relationship. Closure refers to having a greater sense of acceptance and understanding of the relationship’s ultimate demise. Sometimes, ex-spouses have sex to try to move on after their divorce. That said, research on the importance of closure (and whether it needs to be obtained) remains somewhat mixed.³

Familiarity and Safety

Sex with an ex generally feels comfortable. You know each other’s preferences and desires. There’s generally less vulnerability involved, and these effects may be more pronounced for people who struggle with intimacy or body image issues. For these reasons, some people may prefer the stable predictability of having sex with their ex.

(Potentially) Less Chance of Rejection

Although this isn’t always the case, some people find that their ex is less likely to reject their sexual advances than a stranger. This can be especially true if the couple has remained friends or if sexual or intimate feelings are still involved within their dynamic.

One Person Is Moving Away or Starting Something New

Sometimes sex with an ex represents a final hurrah, as they both know they likely won’t see each other again, or it will be a long time if they do. Sex as a last connection intends to be a no-strings act where there are no expectations that the relationship will move forward.

Uncertainty, Boredom, or Problems in a Current Relationship

Many people cheat on their current partners with past exes. This can sometimes be part of an on-again/off-again relationship dynamic where partners repeatedly break up and get back together.⁴ However, sometimes sex with an ex can occur many years after the relationship dissolves, which may be sparked by an unexpected reunification.

Pros of Sex With an Ex

Having sex with an ex can feel comforting, safe, and exciting. Many people also find that it provides a sense of reassurance during a vulnerable time. If partners choose to remain friends or friends with benefits, sex can allow them to still enjoy a relationship with new boundaries in place.

Reasons people may benefit from having sex with an ex include:

It May Reduce Hard Feelings

Ending a relationship can trigger breakup grief, which can be uncomfortable and painful. Sex doesn’t necessarily fix those feelings, but some find it helps them appropriately move on from someone they love. It may also soften resentment and animosity if the relationship ended on bad terms, although this isn’t always the case.

It Can Be Exciting

People often crave novelty and excitement in their sex lives. Sex with an ex often feels taboo, which can be exciting. However, there’s a sense of predictability, which also feels safe. For this reason, people may be more drawn to having sex with their ex than with a new partner.

More Pleasurable Experience

Because people already know what sex with their ex feels like, and they generally know how to turn each on, there’s more opportunity for greater pleasure and orgasm. Both partners are likely to have a sense of sexual satisfaction that might not be experienced if having sex with someone new.

Less Pressure

Some people feel much less pressure with having sex with an ex than with a new partner. Being broken up may also encourage both people to be more open to trying new things they previously disregarded or overlooked. There can be more opportunity for deeper exploration with less concern about how it might impact their relationship.

Testing the Waters of Getting Back Together

It’s common for people to get back together after a breakup. While clear communication and reassessing what needs to change are undoubtedly important, many couples find that they rekindle some of their connection through sex. Within their sexual experiences, they can reaffirm why they want to get back together.

Cons of Sex With an Ex

Having sex with an ex can be complicated, and it’s important to consider the risks in advance. Many people find that staying involved with past partners stirs complex emotions and makes it difficult to move on to new relationships.

Reasons people might want to avoid having sex with an ex include:

It Can Lead to Emotional Attachment

Having sex with an ex can cause or maintain an emotional attachment to one another. Some people can certainly have sex with no strings attached, but others can’t, and you might not know where you fall until you’re already stuck in a problematic dynamic.

Emotional Pain

Some people experience feelings of regret after having sex with their ex. For example, maybe they already felt they had moved on or recovered from the breakup. Sex can reopen old wounds and trigger complex feelings that can be hard to cope with. Some people feel ashamed to share this experience with others, which can coincide with them struggling alone.

May Lead to Getting Back Together–Even If That’s Not The Best Idea

Couples may prematurely decide to get back together after having sex. While this decision may seem smart at the time, they may quickly realize it wasn’t the best move. Rekindling a romance that has run its course can cause more heartache and confusion, making it difficult for both people to navigate.

Impact Your Ability to Move On

Some people can’t recover from their breakup if they have any contact with their ex. Sexual contact often blurs boundaries and can make it difficult to focus on dating or meeting new people. While this may not be much of an issue just after a breakup, it can cause long-term implications if you and your ex continue to stay involved with one another.

Clouds Judgment

Sex may lower inhibitions, be distractible, and cloud judgment. At times, it may cause people to forget why they broke up with their ex in the first place. Or, it may exacerbate further confusion about the next steps after a relationship ends.

Sex with an Ex & Underlying Mental Health Issues

Sex with an ex can sometimes be a symptom of problematic thought or behavioral patterns. At times, this can be part of a greater mental health issue. This is most likely true when these patterns are repeated in multiple relationships or when you have sex despite knowing it may not be in your best interest.

Possible mental health issues that may lead to having sex with an ex include:

• Codependency: Codependency refers to people excessively relying on one another for emotional or physical support. This can make it hard to be alone, and people who struggle with codependency may be at a greater risk of having sex with an ex.
• Compulsive sexual tendencies: Also known as hypersexuality or sex addiction, compulsive sexual tendencies can result in sexual behaviors, like having sex with an ex, even if it causes problems or distress.⁵
• Dependent personality disorder: Dependent personality disorder refers to a pervasive need to be cared for and nurtured. This can present itself with ex-partners and may manifest as having sex with exes.
• Anxious attachment style: Having an anxious attachment style can result in people feeling insecure and fearing abandonment in their relationships. Exes can provide a sense of validation, which can transfer into having sexual desire.
• Depression: Sometimes depression can result in loss of pleasure, anhedonia, and sadness, which can temporarily be relieved by sex.
• Substance use: Substance use lowers inhibitions and can trigger people to engage in actions they later regret. These behaviors include having sex with an ex.

How to Have Healthy Sex With an Ex

Ways to have healthy sex with an ex include:

• Be honest with yourself: Reflect on your intentions and consider if this is the best decision at the present time.
• Monitor your mood: If you notice yourself feeling increasingly anxious or depressed, reflect on how this may be related to having sex with your ex.
• Set clear boundaries: Be clear about your expectations with one another and what your limits are by setting clear boundaries.
• Communicate consistently: If something is concerning or bothering you, speak up. If you can’t do this, consider reevaluating your relationship dynamic.
• Protect yourself: Make sure you are using appropriate protection, especially if there is a risk of pregnancy or STIs.

When to Seek Professional Help

If you feel like you can’t move on from the past or want guidance on what to do in your relationship, therapy may help. A therapist can support you in exploring your emotions and redefining important boundaries for yourself. Choose a therapist who specializes in relationship issues. You can use an online therapist directory to start your search.

In My Experience

In my experience, having sex with an ex often represents a need for closeness and connection. And while sex may temporarily satisfy this urge, it’s important to consider the long-term implications that may complicate moving on. There’s nothing bad about enjoying something that emotionally or physically feels good, but it’s always helpful to think about how this fits within your overall values and goals.