Cheating Dreams: What They Mean & What to Do About Them

What Are Dreams?

Dreams refer to the mental imagery we experience when we sleep. We can dream during any stage of sleep, but the most vivid ones happen during REM sleep.¹ It’s estimated that everyone dreams. However, some people remember almost every dream vividly, while others have minimal recall.²

Countless psychologists, philosophers, scientists, and religious figures have mused why we dream. Dreams may be how our brains process emotions, categorize memories, or reveal subconscious desires. Dreams also help us rehearse future situations and reflect on current everyday concerns. It’s also possible that specific mental health issues may spill into stress-related or anxiety dreams.

What Do Dreams About Cheating Mean?

There isn’t a set explanation for what a cheating dream means (or doesn’t mean). As mentioned, many different dream theories exist, and nobody knows for certain why we dream. But because cheating dreams can feel so jarring, you may find yourself thinking about your current relationship and where you stand with your partner.

11 possible causes for dreams about cheating include:

1. Trust Issues

Trust is the foundation of any meaningful relationship, and real or perceived difficulties with that foundation can erode how safe someone feels with their partner. Trust issues can exist in real-time, meaning one person is engaging in questionable actions. However, they can also be rooted in past experiences, such as having a history of betrayal trauma or infidelity.

2. Fears of Abandonment

The fear of abandonment is a core fear for many people, and abandonment issues can undoubtedly spill into the unconscious. This fear is often rooted in childhood. If a child experiences abuse or neglect, they may grow up believing their needs will never be truly met. Abandonment fears from childhood can cause profound feelings of inadequacy, making it difficult to trust that others are genuinely there for them.³

3. Lack of Intimacy

Intimacy is the feeling of connection or closeness with someone, which can occur physically and emotionally. Intimacy takes time to build, and both partners need to have a baseline of trust and safety with one another.⁴ Intimacy problems, such as a sexless marriage, themes of withdrawal or stonewalling, or communication problems, can all emerge during dreams.

4. Relationship Trauma

Relationship trauma refers to experiencing abusive behaviors that result in you fearing for your well-being or safety. This trauma can occur in romantic relationships and among friends, bosses, or other dynamics. If you have this experience, the residual impact may continue influencing you and your unconscious.

5. Fear of the Unknown

In general, we are wired to crave predictability and routine. Those cravings keep us feeling grounded and can reduce anxiety. That said, most people relate to having some fears of the unknown, and romantic relationships can magnify these fears. If you feel uncertain about where you stand with your partner or the future of your commitment, such anxiety may spill into dreams.

6. Other Life Transitions

If you are experiencing significant changes in other parts of your life, these effects may impact your sense of homeostasis. For example, major life changes can cause you to question your relationship or reevaluate your values. In addition, all this disruption to your routine could affect your dream content.

7. Resentment

Some people are highly aware of the resentment they experience toward their partner. But resentment in marriage or relationships isn’t always apparent, and its effects can sometimes be insidious. If you struggle with animosity in your relationship, you may notice patterns in your dreams where cheating or withdrawal from your relationship occurs.

8. Feelings of Betrayal

Betrayal can occur during any relationship stage and can range in severity. Mild betrayal might include feeling upset that your partner didn’t tell you when they ran late from work after you cooked dinner for them. Severe betrayal can occur when your partner blatantly lies or violates your boundaries.

9. Someone Else Cheating

Sometimes we dream about content related to what we hear or read about in daily interactions. If a friend, for example, opens up to you about having an affair, that information may stay on your mind longer than you realize. You may then start dreaming about cheating situations yourself. These cheating dreams may have less to do with an underlying motive and more with your mind’s focus.

10. Relationship Conflict

If you and your partner have been arguing lately (or you’re questioning your relationship altogether), you may feel varying levels of anxiety, depression, or apathy. These feelings may apply even if you are both actively working through these issues and are committed to one another. Relationship conflict often triggers anxiety, resulting in sleep problems and nightmares.

11. Desire to Cheat Yourself

Whether you’re aware of this desire or not (and it isn’t always obvious), private fantasies about cheating may emerge during dreams. You may notice them more frequently after talking to an ex, reminiscing, or during a contentious moment with your partner. It’s important to note that having an occasional fantasy is entirely normal. But if it feels consuming or distressing, it may be a sign that you should reevaluate your values or relationship.

What to Do About Your Cheating Dreams

A dream doesn’t inherently mean something ‘bad’ is happening. Most people can relate to having uncomfortable dreams or full-on nightmares that don’t feel connected to our current realities. If you wake up feeling anxious or angry, it may be more important to consider how these emotions play out in your relationship (as opposed to trying to interpret the specific dream content).

Below are tips for handling dreams about cheating:

Address Your Fears

Consider if you have any specific fears about your relationship at the moment. Remember that it’s normal to suppress, justify, or deny specific concerns due to guilt or anxiety. If you aren’t sure if you have fears, try journaling or talking to a friend about your relationship. You might notice insights that emerge that you otherwise overlooked.

Change Your Sleep Routine

Poor sleep habits can coincide with stress making you more susceptible to nightmares. Optimizing how and when you go to sleep can help. Try to stick to a consistent routine of going to bed and waking up around the same time each day. Prioritize making your room comfortable and free from excessive distractions.

Practice Healthy Stress Management

Mitigating stress is always a virtuous goal, and some research shows that reducing anxiety may reduce anxiety-related dreams.⁵ Stress management is essential around bedtime. A few hours before bed, commit to turning off the TV or scrolling through social media a few hours before bed. Consider taking a warm bath or reading a book before you fall asleep.

Address Underlying Anger

If you feel angry toward your partner, this feeling may emerge during sleep. While that doesn’t mean you should never go to bed angry (that isn’t realistic), it’s critical to consider what’s causing and maintaining your anger. What conflicts need resolving? What part are you currently playing in this dynamic? What do you need your partner to do differently?

Consider Therapy

Cheating dreams, especially recurrent ones, can signify other emotional concerns. You don’t need a specific reason to go to therapy, but if your dreams affect your well-being throughout the day, it may be worth speaking to a mental health professional. There are numerous in-person and online therapy options available.

During your first session, you and your therapist will discuss your goals for treatment. As you engage more in your treatment, you may notice different issues emerge. New concerns and problems frequently arise as a normal part of the treatment and recovery process.

When to Talk About Cheating Dreams With Your Partner

If a dream makes you angry or upset, it may be worth sharing your feelings with your partner. A supportive partner will validate your feelings and be receptive to discussing your relationship. Conversely, it might be a red flag if your partner becomes defensive or mocks you for having an emotional reaction.

If you feel nervous approaching your partner, setting aside time to have a structured conversation to talk about your feelings may be beneficial. It’s essential to avoid accusing your partner of anything during this time. If you have reasonable suspicion that something is going on, you may want to consider broaching the idea of attending marriage or couples counseling.

Below are tips for discussing dreams about cheating with your partner:

• Think about your feelings first: Pinpoint which emotions most impact you right now. Then, focus on these feelings (jealousy, anger, worry) as the primary point during your discussion.
• Talk about it at a neutral time: If you both rush to work the morning after your dream, that isn’t the time to share what happened. Instead, wait until things settle down and you’re both in appropriate headspaces.
• Aim to stay calm: Even if the dream bothered you, yelling at or demeaning your partner won’t make for a productive conversation. Regardless of how you feel, aim to be approachable and empathetic.
• Consider the risks beforehand: If you’re having relationship problems, discussing cheating dreams may aggravate some conflict. Of course, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t discuss what’s going on, but it’s worth considering.
• Reassess your commitment: Even just validating one another can be helpful if you feel insecure about the relationship. You always have the right to ask your partner, “Can you please affirm what our relationship means to you?”

In My Experience

Dreams are always subject to interpretation, and there just isn’t enough conclusive data to explain why we dream about certain content. However, if your dreams are causing you distress during your waking hours, these feelings may indicate underlying anxiety or relationship conflict. As a result, it may be time to have a more candid conversation with your partner or consider therapy (or both!).