18 Signs of a Fake Friend

How to Know if Your Friend Is Fake: 18 Signs

The signs of a fake friendship may not look the same in every situation. Nevertheless, if you examine them closely, you’ll notice similar relationship patterns, qualities, and characteristics. Often, you’ll notice a lack of commitment on your “friend’s” part. They are frequently self-absorbed and more focused on their own personal feelings, rather than yours. Having this type of relationship can feel incredibly one-sided and hurtful.

Here are 18 signs of a fake friend:

1. They Don’t Support You

If a friend is never available for you when you need them, they’re probably not fully invested in your relationship. Rather than listening and offering emotional support, they may give you unenthusiastic affirmations or comments. Real friends will pay attention to your needs and provide encouragement.

2. They’re Overly Competitive With You

Friendships can sometimes include a healthy level of competition. However, you’ll know when the limit of this has been met. In fake friendships, competition is not good-natured or fun. Rather, it comes from a place of jealousy or their need to feel better than others.

3. They Make You Feel Bad About Yourself

Fake friends will often make backhanded compliments, quiet judgments, or disapproving looks in your direction.  Sometimes, these behaviors are not outright or obvious. Still, they can leave you feeling betrayed and hurt.

4. They Turn Others Against You

A fake friend may act sweet and caring to your face, but gossip about you with others. This type of behavior is a form of relational aggression and is a distinct sign of a fake friendship.

5. They Always Need Attention

We all know someone who loves drama and being the center of attention. Friendships with a person like this may be conflictual, one-sided, and manipulative. Attention seeking behavior does not always look the same, but it is often an indicator of a fake friendship.

6. They Peer Pressure You

Peer pressure happens when a friend tries to convince or push you to act in ways that don’t align with your values or usual behavior. It can be direct or subtle and may occur in any social situation.

7. They’re Narcissistic

Sometimes, self-obsessed and attention seeking behaviors can be indicative of an underlying Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Friendships with a narcissist can feel superficial, as your friend may act moody, hold grudges, be hypersensitive to criticism, or crave constant attention.

8. They’re Jealous of You

Jealousy in a friendship may stem from feelings of insecurity or fear. Left unaddressed, jealousy can lead to anger and resentment, inevitably causing irreparable damage to the friendship.

9. They Emotionally Dump on You

Emotional dumping is an unhealthy form of venting where someone overshares their thoughts and feelings, ignoring cues to stop. Constantly being on the receiving end of this behavior can leave you feeling frustrated, drained, and discouraged.

10. They’re Energy Vampires

Fake friends are like “energy vampires.” Their consistent negative attitudes, need for attention, and judgmental behaviors can leave you feeling both mentally and emotionally drained.

11. They Share Their Bad Moods

A fake friend doesn’t necessarily care about hurting the people around them. This may be evident in how they force their negativity onto others. For example, they may show up to a party in a bad mood, and take any opportunity to infect other guests with their toxicity.

12. They Hold Grudges

We all make mistakes, but a fake friend is going to struggle to acknowledge this. A true friend may be hurt by a mistake on your part, but will move on from it, because they love you. Fake friends will typically hold on to grudges for a long time, despite your attempts to apologize.

13. They’re Focused on Appearances

For some, the way a friendship looks on camera is more important than how it does in real life. If your “friend” is overly focused on making sure others know everything you’re doing together, this can be a sign of ingenuity. Pay attention to when they become shallow and determine whether or not you should end the friendship.

14. They Judge You

A friend should never be overly critical of you. If you notice that someone is constantly questioning your behaviors, ideas, or choices, you may be dealing with a fake friend. While some disagreement is unavoidable in any relationship, an obscene amount is never a good sign.

15. They Only Reach Out When They Need You

Frequently, a fake friend will only make an effort to contact you when they need something. If you struggle to find ways in which your relationship is benefiting you, it may be time to set some boundaries or move on.

16. They Don’t Include You

Genuine friends care about making you feel welcome and cared for in their daily life. They want to have you around, and they enjoy spending time with you. If a friend regularly excludes you- or doesn’t seem to make any real effort to engage in quality time- it may be a sign they aren’t really your friend.

17. They Gaslight You

Gaslighting involves distorting someone’s reality to gain control or power. It can take many forms, but the goal is always to make the other person doubt their truth, memory, or competence. If a friend engages in gaslighting, it’s a clear sign they don’t have your best interests at heart.

18. They Betray Your Trust

Trust is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship- it’s what makes it safe to be vulnerable with other people. A real friend will honor your trust profoundly. If you tell them something in confidence, they keep it to themselves. A fake friend, however, may not be as trustworthy, and they might not have your best interest at heart.

How Fake Friendships Affect Us

At its core, a fake friendship can feel immensely disheartening. You may feel like you’re giving more to the relationship than you’re receiving. You might wonder if something is “wrong” with you for being treated this way. Ultimately, fake friendships tend to leave most people feeling insecure, angry, exhausted, or resentful. They don’t add real value to your quality of life.

Some emotions you may have as a result of having a fake friend include:

• Betrayal: A fake friendship may result in betrayal, especially if you trusted this other person or assumed you two were close.
• Anger:  You may feel angry at the effort you spent in this relationship. You might also feel angry toward their actions.
• Self-doubt: You may question yourself or wonder if something is wrong with you.
• Sadness: Fake friendships can feel disheartening and may evoke a strong sadness.
• Fear: You may worry that you can’t trust people again- or you might feel afraid that it’ll be hard to make new friends.
• Shame: Fake friendships can result in shame, especially if you feel “bad” for missing early warning signs about the other person’s behavior.

Tips for Dealing With Fake Friends

There isn’t one foolproof strategy for dealing with fake friends. People are inherently complex and the trait of ‘fakeness’ lives on a large spectrum. How you take care of yourself amid challenging friendships depends on numerous factors, including the type of relationship you two have, which behaviors are most distressing to you, and the values you have within a friendship.

Some tips for dealing with fake friends include:

Evaluate Your Friendship

Spend some time reflecting on your friendship as a whole. For example, how do you feel during and after spending time with this person? What needs are or are not being met? When you think about changing part of the dynamic, what emotions come up for you? This introspection can help you discern what may need to be revised within the overall friendship.

Set Boundaries

Establishing limits around fake friends may reduce some of the tension, anger, or sadness you feel about this person. Boundaries also preserve your own self-respect. By establishing what you won’t tolerate, you send a clear message about how you expect others to treat you. If your friend can’t or won’t adhere to those limits, you might need to limit contact further.

Prioritize Your Real Friendships

Focus your efforts on nurturing friendships that clearly add value to your life. Spend time with the people who care about your well-being and respect you as a person. The “busier” you are with these friends, the less time and emotional space you will end up having for fakeness. This, in turn, can create natural boundaries around your friendships.

Communicate

In some cases, it may be worth addressing the problematic behavior with your fake friend directly. Don’t criticize or attack- simply name the behavior and how it affects you. Give them a chance to explain their side of the story or even apologize. It’s possible they hadn’t realized the magnitude of what they were doing, and they may be willing to hold themselves accountable.

Limit Contact

You may come to realize that, even after communicating your needs, your friend won’t or can’t change. At this point, it may be healthiest for you to limit contact with them. For instance, you might choose to reduce how much time you spend together. Or, if you need to see each other frequently, you might avoid talking about emotional topics or sharing any sensitive information.

Practice Self-Care

Self-care is important for tending to your own emotional well-being. It’s also a way to honor your self-esteem and the most important relationship in your life: the one you have with yourself. If a fake friend has you feeling particularly stressed, spend some time reflecting on what may help support you right now. It might be spending time with other friends, going for a long run, or journaling about your feelings.

How Therapy Can Help

Fake friendships can be emotionally damaging, especially if you’ve been friends for a long time.  As you begin to recognize the indicators of a fake friend, you may find that speaking with a therapist helps you understand how to address your relationship. You can learn how to set necessary boundaries and begin repairing any residual emotional damage of the friendship. An online therapist directory is a great tool to locate available clinicians near you, based on their specialties and insurance options, while online therapy platforms make it easy to meet with a therapist virtually.