Why Do So Many Men Have No Real Friends: Explanation From a Therapist

Why Do So Many Men Have No Real Friends?

Many may wonder why so many men have no real friends, and various factors affect this belief. For example, gender conditioning and expectations are a significant part of the human experience.¹ In childhood, we learn through observing and mimicking these gender roles.

As boys age, they label emotional vulnerability and closeness as feminine. Society frequently conditions them to avoid showing emotions other than anger or frustration.² Therefore, while girls develop strong bonds with their friends, many boys struggle with the openness necessary for such friendships. These issues with emotional expression may partially explain why so many men fail to form real and long-lasting friendships.

The Impact of Men Not Having Close Friends

The common belief that men do not need to express emotions or develop meaningful friendships is false. All genders benefit from social support. In fact, a lack of close friendships significantly impacts mental health, with many men reporting feelings of loneliness and emptiness due to the absence of social connection.

The impacts of a lack of real male friendships may include:

Negative Impacts on Mental Health

Friendships support mental and emotional well-being and help decrease mental health symptoms.³ Unfortunately, men who lack this social support may be more likely to experience depression or thoughts of suicide.

Additionally, many men may not seek beneficial treatment due to fears of vulnerability and being perceived as “weak.” Some equate medication or psychotherapy to femininity, making them less likely to seek support for men’s mental health issues.⁴

Romantic Relationship Problems

Roughly 53% of Americans seek their partners’ support during troubling and stressful times.⁵ Leaning on a spouse for emotional and mental support is healthy and often a sign of a successful relationship.

However, issues arise when a partner is the person’s only support, as is commonly the case for men without close social connections. It can lead to an unhealthy emotional attachment. This lack of healthy male friendships can strain a romantic relationship because the partner becomes a source of both intimate and friendly guidance, attention, and solace.

Feelings of Emptiness

Many men may experience feelings of emptiness when they cannot share achievements, stressors, and milestones with close friends. While many men have supportive friendships, a significant amount of their bonds are based on shared activities rather than emotional depth.⁶

For example, a man may have endless acquaintances with whom to watch sports games but none who would provide emotional support. In these cases, men miss opportunities to experience the deep connection from vulnerability and closeness. Experiencing feelings of emptiness is also a common symptom of depression in men.

Loneliness

A lack of social support contributes to loneliness and increased isolation. As the world recovers from the COVID-19 pandemic, these experiences are becoming more common among men. In fact, according to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, the United States is having a “public health crisis” of loneliness, isolation, and decreased social connection.⁷ Men are especially vulnerable to this crisis.

Decreased Motivation

Social support often correlates with productivity and motivation. Friends can hold a person accountable and show encouragement when they share details about each other’s lives and goals. Without close friendships, men have fewer people to provide essential incentives they may not receive from other relationships or external factors.

Increased Feelings of Anger

Friends can provide relief and comfort when we experience negative feelings or emotions. Men without real friends often bottle up these emotions, possibly increasing internalized anger and sadness.

Decreased Social Supports

Vulnerability and closeness vary from friendship to friendship. Some friends may provide emotional support, while others offer encouragement and incentive. As mentioned, societal gender norms limit a man’s ability to be vulnerable, often deterring them from developing close friendships with other men.⁸ For example, men may rely on their parents for emotional and social support rather than open themselves up to new people.⁵

Men with anxiety may find themselves withdrawing from their social crowds, further decreasing the availability of a social support system.

Increased Risk for Health Concerns

Many researchers and clinicians agree that social support can decrease stress and improve both physical and mental health.³ In the absence of social support, many men have an increased likelihood of certain health conditions, such as high blood pressure and dementia.⁶

6 Ways for Men to Build Close Friendships

Men may spend years avoiding emotional intimacy, making their reluctance to form real friendships understandable. If you feel like you can’t make friends, struggle to develop long-lasting friendships, or think you have no friends – active listening, time, and effort can positively impact how you interact and experience closeness with others.

Here are six tips for building healthy and real male friendships:

1. Practice Active Listening

Learning how to communicate and using active listening can help promote closeness and connectedness between friends. Pay attention when someone talks to show you are interested in who they are and what they say. Focus on simply listening, not interrupting, and asking a person follow-up questions as they talk.

2. Focus on Commonalities

Striking up a conversation can be tough, especially with someone you just met. When initiating a discussion, focus on what you have in common. Perhaps you are both in the same office and dealing with similar stressful projects, or you have children the same age. Use these commonalities to start a dialogue.

3. Put in Time and Effort

Making friends takes time, whether you’ve just moved and you’re trying to make friends in a new city or need to re-establish your neglected, existing friendships. In fact, it usually takes around fifty to two hundred hours before you can consider someone a close friend.⁹ Remember that time and effort are crucial to developing close friendships. You cannot meet someone and expect them to immediately become a close friend, even if you feel like you share a connection.

4. Be Reliable

Be available and reliable because this shows others you are trustworthy. If you do not respond to texts or calls or constantly cancel plans, this sends the message you aren’t interested in developing friendships.

5. Create Shared Meaning

A bond over shared beliefs or faith can help facilitate friendship. For example, having similar goals, career paths, or shared spiritual ideologies can create a feeling of belonging and unity.

6. Pay Attention to Discomfort

Growing up with expectations about how you should behave as a man undoubtedly affects how you relate to others–especially men.⁸ Trying to ignore any discomfort is not helpful. Instead, acknowledge the feeling and validate it as a part of your culture and upbringing. Our society assigns privilege to masculinity over femininity (i.e., male aggression over vulnerability), so feeling uncomfortable about bypassing these beliefs is normal.

How a Therapist Can Help You Build Lasting Friendships

Professional help is available if your struggles forming emotional intimacy prevent you from making friends. Finding the right therapist starts by locating a provider who understands gendered expectations and how self-confidence affects male relationships. You can use an online therapist directory to help you locate an in-person or online therapy option.

In My Experience

In my experience, many men struggle to form close friendships with other men but find it easier to bond with women due to fewer restrictions on vulnerability and emotional intimacy. My clients often feel frustrated at the amount of rules placed on their friendships, which is understandable. However, there is no shame in opening up to others. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and share yourself with friends.