How to Deal With a Narcissistic Friend

Signs of a Narcissistic Friend

People with high levels of narcissism tend to run into problems in relationships and interpersonal interactions. This may not be obvious when you first meet them, because narcissists employ tactics, such as love bombing, to appear charismatic and charming. You’ll find that your new ally seems involved, attentive, and supportive in the initial stages of relationship formation. During this phase, your narcissistic buddy may go to extra lengths beyond what’s expected from a new friend. Nevertheless, over time you’ll likely uncover a side to them that may be off-putting. For instance, they may now seem selfish, manipulative, inconsiderate, demanding, and in some extreme cases even abusive.^1,2,3,4

Narcissistic friends may exhibit the following characteristics in a friendship:^2,3,4

• They can be emotionally and mentally draining. For example, they need constant reassurance, demand your attention, violate friendship boundaries, put you down, etc. aimed at feeding their narcissistic supply.
• They cannot put themselves in your shoes, are not good listeners, and only talk about themselves. They may reply to you venting with something like “Gosh get over it, you’ll be fine. So let me tell you about my date!”
• They often feel entitled, take advantage of you, and have unreasonable expectations. For example, they need an “urgent” favor and expect you to drop everything to help.
• They do not handle criticism well. Instead, they tend to flip on you and say something like, “What do you mean I need to polish my writing skills? I think you are projecting!”
• They may lash out or become enraged when frustrated. This typically occurs when they don’t get their way or suffer a narcissistic injury.

10 Tips for Dealing With a Narcissistic Friend

If you want to learn about how to deal with your narcissistic friend, it probably means there’s a desire to maintain the friendship. Although some of the interactions may be frustrating, there are healthy ways to cope with your friend, such as learning about narcissism, establishing and maintaining boundaries, developing realistic expectations, and monitoring the friendship.

Below are ten tips for dealing with a narcissistic friend:^{1,2,3,4,5,6,7}

1. Learn About Narcissism

Learning about narcissistic traits, different types, and co-occurring mental conditions can provide you with an accurate picture and insight into your friend’s thought processes, emotions, and behavioral patterns that could surface in your friendship. Accessing online information and literature related to this topic might be a good place to start. Having an in-depth understanding on the complexity of narcissism can help you to better interact with your friend and enhance your connection.

2. Teach Kindness by Example

Although not all narcissists act the same, newer studies have found that in some cases displaying values of compassion can elicit supportive qualities and decrease narcissistic tendencies. Plus, this can encourage your friend to be more present in the friendship and provide an opportunity for a healthier connection. So, don’t hesitate to show kindness as you would for anyone you care about.

3. Tone Down Your Friendship Expectations

Examine your friendship and determine what can realistically be expected of your narcissist friend. For instance, they may not be too keen on emotions but can turn out to be a fun companion at a party. Letting go of unrealistic ideas and seeing your friend for who they truly are can enable you to discover some of their valuable attributes, but hold on to your personal boundaries.

4. Focus on Your Similarities

Friends of narcissists who share similar interests are more likely to have a longer lasting friendship. Perhaps you lost sight of those similarities and the stuff you mutually enjoyed doing as friends. Ask yourself: what drew me to this friend? Why are we still friends? Putting the spotlight on those similarities could not only strengthen the friendship, but also take the focus away from their annoying traits.

5. Emphasize the Positive

Interestingly, researchers have identified certain desirable qualities in some narcissists, like their ability to be self-sufficient, good leaders, and energetic. Point out any positive personality traits in your friend that you admire. Narcissists undoubtedly love the attention, recognition, and praise. But deep inside they feel insecure and inadequate. Emphasizing the positive attributes to your friend (in a non-condescending way) that you genuinely appreciate about them can enhance their wellbeing, thus making the friendship more pleasant.

6. Establish & Enforce Firm Boundaries

Establishing and maintaining firm boundaries is crucial in any type of relationship but more so in a friendship with a narcissist. Convey your boundaries in a clear and direct manner outlining what is acceptable and what it isn’t, and don’t stir away from enforcing them. If your friend’s sense of entitlement compels them to push the envelope, address it right away. Upholding your core values and firm boundaries can protect your sense of self and set the tone for a mutually respectful friendship.

7. The Power of Choice

If you are set on maintaining your friendship, it is important that you develop practical and effective strategies to help you manage conflictive situations and negative narcissistic traits. As such, acknowledge and exercise the power to choose your reactions when you are triggered. This can be empowering while also protective against manipulation or other potential maladaptive tactics your friend might employ. Remember, you can’t control your friend’s actions, but you can always choose how you respond.

8. Promote Mental Health

You don’t have to tell your narcissist friend that they flat out need therapy, but you can subtly encourage them to seek healthy outlets to address their behavior. Invite them to a community function or a charity event; ask if they would join you for a meditation or yoga class etc. Be gentle and patient when you approach them. Bear in mind, your friend has internal struggles that they’re unwilling to admit or share, likely because it can be perceived as a “weakness” by the narcissistic friend. Don’t be pushy, but every now and then ask again. If they ask you to stop, however, respect their decision.

9. Pursue Other Activities & Avenues of Support

Having a life outside of your narcissistic friendship can enhance your self-esteem and shield your mental and emotional wellbeing. Relying on your narcissist friend as a main source of support or connection can leave you feeling alone and without purpose. For this reason, try to create a healthy life balance that includes seeking your own interests, engaging in enjoyable activities (outside of your friendship), finding a new hobby, volunteering, staying on top of your self-care and mental health, maintaining your other healthy friendships or seeking new ones, connecting with family, and so on.

10. Regularly Monitor the Friendship

When you have a narcissistic friend, regularly monitoring the relationship may be a wise choice. Objectively examine your friendship and contrast the pros and cons. Are there any elements in this friendship that no longer align with you or that have become unacceptable? Are you in this friendship for the right reasons or is it because you’re lacking something that you think only your friend can provide? Has your friendship taken a dark turn becoming toxic or abusive? The answers to these questions can clarify where you stand and help you determine if staying in or ending this friendship is beneficial to you.

When & How a Therapist Can Help

If you are invested in conserving your friendship, therapy can be beneficial to help you effectively cope with stressors brought on by your friend’s narcissism, develop and establish healthy boundaries, and more. You may also be struggling with self-esteem issues or other personal concerns that emerged because of the friendship with a narcissist, or you could be contemplating ending the friendship altogether. In any case, it is never too early or too late to start therapy.

If you are interested in pursuing therapy, consider looking for a licensed mental health professional who is experienced with personality disorders and trained in multiple behavioral approaches and evidence-based techniques. You can begin this process through an online directory, where you can filter your preferences and criterion that are most fitting for your needs.

Final Thoughts

Having a narcissistic friend can be tricky and may often pose challenges in your personal life and wellbeing. It is important to identify the signs of a narcissistic friend in order to address these behavioral concerns. This is the first step towards developing the appropriate skills to manage their narcissism, including reframing your relationship, different forms of self-care and modeling healthy behaviors, and seeking professional help. Remember you always have a choice, and there are healthy ways to move forward whether you decide to continue the friendship or not.