Sleeping in Separate Beds: Meaning, Benefits, & Reasons to Consider

How Many Couples Sleep in Separate Beds?

Sleeping separately, or a sleep divorce, looks different for everyone. According to a survey conducted by the Better Sleep Council, more than 25% of couples opt for separate sleep spaces.¹ For some, this meant sleeping in different rooms, while others opted for two beds in the same room.The survey also found that women’s sleep suffers more than men’s, citing that “women are more sensitive to their sleep environment.”¹

An additional study completed in January of 2023 by the International Housewares Association for the New York Times, also revealed that one in five couples sleep not just in separate beds but in separate bedrooms.²

Benefits of Sleeping in Separate Beds

While sleeping separately may seem uncommon to some, this unlikely arrangement has many benefits as well. Sleeping separately is a life saver for couples who aim to improve sleep while preserving their marriage and improving their health.

Potential benefits to sleeping separately include:

• Increased feelings of being rested
• Increase time with self
• Increased bed space
• Undisturbed sleep cycles
• Increased longing for intimacy and sex
• Less fighting about sleep differences

Disadvantages of Sleeping in Separate Beds

As with any benefit to sleeping separately, there are several downsides to this equation. Couples who sleep separately may also experience the following:

• Decreased quantity of one on one time
• Feelings of abandonment
• Loss of connection
• Increased conflict
• The potential to grow apart

When couples can’t agree to separate arrangements. Marriage resentment can occur. Marriage resentment occurs when one spouse is unable to fully express their needs or desires within the marriage. If sleeping separately cannot be agreed upon, couples run the risk of resentment.

Reasons for Sleeping in Separate Beds

Common reasons people may consider sleep in separate beds include improved physical health, and mental wellbeing.  Insufficient sleep is associated with weight gain, obesity, inflammation, cardiovascular disease, diabetes, and mortality. Improved sleep hygiene can not only improve mental health, it can decrease the risk of disease.³

Lack of sleep can affect an individual’s overall mood. For those who struggle with getting enough sleep, the impact of a lack of sleep in mental health could lead to increased stress levels, anxiety, and depressed mood. Sleeping separately can be a life changer for those who want to to improve their overall quality of life.

The following issues are common causes for sleeping separately:

Partner Snores

Snoring can prevent a partner from getting to sleep or staying asleep. These disruptions in sleep can lead to conflict in relationships due to agitation caused by poor sleep quality. Partners who are affected by this may come off as agitated or irritable. When this occurs a sleep divorce may prove the remedy to improve sleep hygiene for both parties.

Prefer Sleeping Alone

When couples reach a mutual decision to sleep alone they no longer have to worry about sharing of bed linens, differing body temperatures, restless legs and the plethora of things that come with sleeping with a partner.

Different Sleep Preferences

Sleeping preferences can at times lead to couples sleeping alone. While one individual may enjoy the comfort of plush linens, the other may prefer to sleep without any. Things like firmness of mattress, sleeping with the television on or having the thermostat set to 68 degrees all factor into  the decision to sleep separately.

Other reasons couples choose to sleep alone are:

• Sleep apnea
• Bathroom habits
• Differing Sleep cycles
• Need for personal space
• Significant other requires noise to fall asleep
• Body Heat
• Restless legs

Parasomnia

Parasominia can be described as a sleep event that occurs during sleep or upon waking from sleep. Individuals experiencing parasomnia may sleepwalk, talk in their sleep, or experience night terrors (nightmares). Sleeping with an individual who experiences parasomnia could be risky for their loved one. Sleeping separately would definitely benefit a couple who experiences this.

Decreased Pressure to Perform Sexually

Sleeping together brings its fair share of challenges and the pressure to perform sexually can be one of them. Sleeping apart takes off some of this pressure and also allows individuals the space to long for each other. This longing can make for more intense sexual exchanges.

Having a Space that is Your Own

Having a space to call your own can be freeing for most individuals. When you just need some time to center yourself a room of your own can be a safe haven. Sometimes just having a space that represents who you are as an individual can be beneficial to couples who cannot agree on room design or sleeping arrangements in general.

Conflicting Work Schedules

Work schedules can often conflict with sleep hygiene. Living with a partner that works outside of the typical 9 to 5 hours can prove to be difficult. For couples who work conflicting schedules and need to improve sleep hygiene having separate sleep arrangements could be benefecial.

Partner Prefers to Co-Sleep With Children or Pets

Co-sleeping with children or a family pet can lead to division in the bedroom. When your partner desires to co-sleep with children or the family pet, separate sleep arrangements could make for a happier well rested family.

How Sleeping in Separate Beds Affects Sex Life

Sleeping in separate beds can affect a couple’s sex life. Couples that sleep separately may experience issues with intimacy and spontaneity. Couples can also experience decreased bonding or closeness. However making sleep a priority can lead to a more vibrant sex life.⁴

Here are some tips for maintaining a quality sex life while sleeping in separate beds:

Schedule Time for Intimacy

Couples should make time for physical intimacy. Physical intimacy may lead to sensual feelings that cause arousal. These acts can be inclusive of dancing, hugging, holding hands or kissing. These simple yet physical interactions can lead to more intense connections and even sexual encounters.

Spend Time Cuddling Before Bed

Many couples wind down for the night while watching television. This time can be used for intimacy such as cuddling, holding hands, etc while watching television.

Remain Connected Throughout the Day

Many couples benefit from staying in contact through texting or phone calls during the day. This will help with emotional intimacy.

Scheduling Date Nights

When couples prioritize date nights, they prioritize time for and with each other. These scheduled events can lead to a deeper sexual connection.

Scheduling time daily to connect intimately before going to your separate beds will help improve emotional intimacy and can ensure that you have physical intimacy or sexual intimacy.

When to Seek Professional Support

Couples who sleep separately and feel that this arrangement is affecting their relationship may want to consider counseling. When choosing a therapist, counselor, or psychologist to assist with issues related to intimacy or sleeping separately couples should consider couples therapy. However, when a partner feels that they are having an issue connecting with their significant other, individual therapy should be considered as well. When choosing a couples therapist couples may want to look into the practitioner’s specialty to address their particular issue. Couples therapists offer a variety of modalities to address specific needs.  Some examples of these include Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), or Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).

Online therapy is a great starting point for services. Online therapy is convenient as it eliminates the need to commute and is equally as effective as in person services. You can start your search for a therapist using an online therapist directory. If online therapy is not for you, seeing a provider  in person can work as well. Couples who seek in person therapy may consider their insurance provider directory or a personal referral.

In My Experience

In my experience couples who sleep together can face just as many issues as couples who decide to sleep separately. When choosing sleep styles it is important to understand how this arrangement will affect the overall relationship. Knowing why your significant other needs a separate sleeping arrangement is key. When choosing to sleep separately, making time to connect daily on some physical or emotional level will keep the relationship intact. We should also remember that good sleep hygiene improves physical and mental health. Let’s not forget that this also contributes to better sex.  When issues arise speaking to a licensed therapist could aid in alleviating undue stress placed on the relationship. Remember you can always change your mind.