Dead Bedroom: Why It Happens & How to Fix It

What Is a Dead Bedroom?

Dead bedroom is an informal term and not a clinical diagnosis. A dead bedroom is when partners have very low or non-existent sexual frequency and there has been a change in the couple’s normal sexual intimacy. In many cases, one of or both partners have lost interest in sex for a variety of reasons.

A dead bedroom isn’t necessarily a sexless marriage, but can look very similar. A dead bedroom looks different for every couple. What may be problematic for one couple, isn’t for another. Even though there may be a lack of sexual intimacy it doesn’t always mean partners don’t care for one another anymore, but may be experiencing other life issues that directly impact their sexual intimacy, libido, and sexual drive.

Examples of a dead bedroom:

• A couple who has sex only on special occasions or holidays
• A couple who sleep in separate beds or rooms and doesn’t engage in sexual activity
• A couple who used to have sex several times a week but has not gone several months without sexual activity or the activity has significantly dropped
• One or both partners consciously avoid physical contact with the other
• One or both partners consider their sex life less pleasurable than usual
• One or both partners are unsatisfied with the frequency of sexual activity

Is Lack of Sex in a Relationship an Issue?

A lack of sex in a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean there’s an issue. If both partners are content with the frequency and type of sex, then it’s not a problem. However, a lack of sex can create problems if there is a mismatch of sexual needs of one partner where one partner wants sex more often or feels sex is more important, or if there is sexual incompatibility.

For example, a person’s disinterest often leaves the partner feeling resentful, depressed, frustrated, unappreciated, and sad. Ongoing and unaddressed issues can affect bedroom intimacy and bleed over to other aspects of the relationship, which will begin to suffer.

How Does a Dead Bedroom Start?

Relationships can go through different seasons of life and sometimes these seasons can impact the frequency of sexual intimacy. The beginning of a dead bedroom can start out many different ways and it really depends on each couple. As couples get busier, become more sedentary within the relationship, and maybe children included — time and energy for sex becomes scarce. These are only a few possible reasons why two people’s sex drive may start to slow down, eventually leading to a dead bedroom.

Common Causes of a Dead Bedroom

A dead bedroom can happen for many reasons, and often it’s a combination of factors rather than a single issue. Understanding the root cause can help couples address the problem and work toward rebuilding intimacy.

Possible causes of a dead bedroom include:

1. Stress & Life Demands

Busy schedules, work pressures, and financial worries can leave little energy for intimacy. When partners feel constantly stressed, their focus shifts away from connection and toward survival. For example, juggling kids’ schedules or tight deadlines at work can drain emotional and physical energy, making intimacy seem like an afterthought.

Tip: Schedule intentional “unwind” time to transition out of stress mode before bed, like taking a walk or meditating together.

2. Family Dynamics & Parenthood

Family conflicts and the demands of raising children often take a toll on intimacy. New parents, especially, may feel exhausted and have little time or energy to connect. When kids take center stage, couples can unintentionally neglect their romantic relationship.

Suggestion: Try establishing dedicated couple time—even if it’s just 20 minutes after the kids go to bed.

3. Physical & Emotional Distance

When couples don’t communicate about their needs or feelings, resentment can build, creating emotional distance. Over time, this distance can manifest as reduced sexual desire. Additionally, body changes, low self-esteem, or health concerns can affect one’s comfort level with intimacy.

Solution: Open, non-judgmental conversations about individual needs can help bridge emotional gaps.

4. Lack of Variety or Boredom

Over time, routines can turn sex into a chore instead of a shared, meaningful experience. Couples who don’t introduce variety may find that their intimacy becomes stale, sex becomes boring, leading to disengagement.

Idea: Consider exploring new activities or fantasies together to keep things exciting.

5. Major Life Changes

Big transitions—like moving, changing jobs, or experiencing a loss—can disrupt normal routines and emotional balance, making intimacy difficult.

Tip: If life changes are creating tension, focus on small gestures of intimacy, such as cuddling or hand-holding, until balance is restored.

6. Medical or Physical Causes

Chronic illnesses, hormonal changes, or medications can directly impact libido and sexual function. Conditions like high blood pressure, menopause, or erectile dysfunction often create barriers to physical intimacy.

What to Do: Consult a medical professional to address any physical concerns that could be affecting your relationship.

Is a Dead Bedroom a Sign of a Larger Issue?

Though experiencing a dead bedroom doesn’t always mean there are larger issues at hand, it can certainly be a product of underlying stressors within the relationship or lead to conflict in the future. It can mean that there is a disconnect within the relationship. It can also mean that the couple may be feeling like they are lacking emotional intimacy from their partner, leading to mismatched libidos.

On the other hand, if life simply got in the way and the bedroom is taking a hit, it could mean that the relationship requires some attention and for their priorities to be shifted. It’s important to take some time to slow down and communicate about the reasons behind a dead bedroom.

Reignite the Flame: How to Fix a Dead Bedroom

If a couple is experiencing a dead bedroom, it doesn’t mean that sexual intimacy can not be remedied. It certainly can if both people want to take the steps to increase intimacy in the relationship and increase the frequency of sex. There are several ways that partners can reignite this part of their relationship so they can feel hopeful.

However, it is important to keep in mind that fixing a dead bedroom takes effort, time, intention, and patience. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you both take the steps to rebuild intimacy in the relationship together.

Try the following tips for overcoming a dead bedroom:

Communicate

Better and more frequent communication has been associated with high sexual and relationship satisfaction for both men and women.^1,2 An important first step in addressing any relationship issue and especially something as sensitive as sexual intimacy, is to talk openly and honestly with your partner when you are both in a good emotional space. Share your concerns, feelings, desires in a way that both of you can hear one another without judging. Listen and hear your partner and be open to compromise.

Address Underlying Issues

Understanding the root cause is essential to finding lasting solutions for a dead bedroom. Underlying factors—such as past trauma, health concerns, chronic stress, or mental health challenges—can quietly erode sexual desire and intimacy over time. To move forward, couples need to create a safe, judgment-free space where they can openly discuss these issues. This allows both partners to better understand each other’s experiences and work together to seek meaningful solutions, whether through lifestyle changes or professional support.

Release Relationship Resentment

Unmet needs, poor communication, or feeling unheard can slowly foster resentment within a relationship. When resentment takes hold, it often shows up as defensiveness, irritation, or emotional distance. If left unresolved, it can create a wall between partners.

The key to healing is acknowledging the resentment and addressing it head-on. Begin by having honest, compassionate conversations about what’s bothering you. Clearly express your emotions and the reasons behind them, but also listen actively and allow your partner to share their perspective without interruption. This mutual understanding will help both of you uncover the root issues and work together to rebuild trust and emotional closeness.

Decide on Sexual Frequency

When there is a discrepancy between couples in terms of frequency of sexual intimacy, it’s important to talk about this openly. For example, what does each partner need to feel fulfilled? Is there room for compromise? If one person wants more sex, how will they take care of their needs and how does their partner feel about it?

Prioritize Intimacy

Often when couples fall into unhealthy patterns and experience a dead bedroom, it can be intimidating or stressful to think about engaging in sexual intimacy. However, by starting with intimacy without focusing on sex, you can help reduce stress and find a common place.

Start by increasing emotional intimacy by spending time together, being affectionate by hugging or hand holding. This helps rebuild trust in a relationship and allows intimacy to grow slowly and towards each partner’s comfort level.

Learn Desire Styles

Desire isn’t a one-size-fits-all experience—it varies from person to person and can change over time. Some people experience spontaneous desire, which can feel like a sudden, unprompted craving for intimacy. Others experience responsive desire, where sexual interest is triggered by external factors, such as emotional closeness, physical affection, or a romantic setting.

Understanding how you and your partner experience desire can help bridge gaps in intimacy. For example, if one partner thrives on spontaneous attraction and the other needs emotional warmth to spark desire, you can work together to meet in the middle. By recognizing and respecting these differences, couples can create a more fulfilling and harmonious sexual connection.

Experiment

Couples often fall into a routine and this can make sexual intimacy boring and monotonous. Becoming more open-minded to experiment with new sexual experiences and a willingness to try new things can often reignite the spark that has been dormant and add some excitement to the relationship. Share ideas with one another to better understand what your partner needs and desires rather than just having sex the same way.

Seek Professional Help

Even with the best intentions, couples can sometimes struggle to discuss sensitive issues like intimacy without emotions running high. When communication feels strained or solutions seem out of reach, a trained therapist or sex therapist can provide valuable support. Whether in-person or through online couples therapy and coaching programs, like Our Ritual and Our Relationship, professionals create a safe, neutral space for partners to explore underlying issues—such as mismatched libidos, unmet needs, or emotional distance. They offer practical guidance, proven strategies, and communication tools to help couples navigate these challenges and rebuild emotional and physical intimacy. Seeking help is not a sign of failure—it’s a proactive step toward healing and connection.

What If Your Partner Doesn’t Want More Sex?

If you discover your partner isn’t interested in more frequent sex it is important to first understand why. This can be done by talking with them and hearing and understanding their perspective but also sharing your needs and feelings. This will help create solutions to create more intimacy (not necessarily more sex) and also address any underlying physical or mental health issues.

Couples can discuss polyamory or having a non-monogamous relationship to get the sexual needs of one partner met, but this can significantly shift the relationship. Couples need to take the time to communicate the impact of going in this direction on their relationship.

Below are things to try if your partner is not interested in having more sex:

• Watching porn
• Masturbating (together or solo)
• Exploring other sexual activities like using sex toys or oral sex
• Increasing intimacy without having sex

Does a Dead Bedroom Lead to Divorce?

Though it isn’t unheard of that experiencing a dead bedroom can be followed by divorce, it’s not necessarily solely because of the lack of sex in a relationship. There’s most likely other issues going on that are causing the dead bedroom and then the divorce.

If a dead bedroom is occurring and any attempt to repair the relationship and make changes seems to have failed, the resentment can become overwhelming. This can take a major toll on the relationship and could potentially lead to divorce.