Love addiction is a complicated condition in which an individual engages in “a constricted pattern of repetitive behavior directed toward a love object that leads to negative role, social, safety, or legal consequences.”1 It is a progressive and pervasive condition in which one continues to chronically engage in such behavior despite the consequences.
What Is Love Addiction?
Love is an obsession of many. Love songs, poetry, romantic novels, and so on are so popular because they touch the very core of our existence. Human beings are wired to love on the most fundamental of levels. Being connected to another provides safety and security. Sex provides for reproduction and ranks among the most gratifying of natural euphoric experiences. It decreases the likelihood of loneliness, provides companionship, gives us meaning, holds us accountable, and the list continues.
What constitutes an appropriate amount of love? Traditionally, when we think of an addictive disorder, we consider a situation in which one uses or does something to a greater extent over a longer time period than intended. When it comes to committed relationships, however, the loving bond does become stronger and lasts a lifetime. Defining love addiction is complicated because love is something natural that touches us in every domain of being—psychological, physiological, social, and spiritual. Researchers have been at odds regarding what love addiction is and whether it exists. Accordingly, it is not a currently recognized addiction disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5).
Because love addiction is a controversial term (as are many terms under the unofficial behavioral addiction umbrella), the condition is otherwise more commonly referred to as pathological love, obsessive love, or lovesickness.1 There are similarities in love addiction behavior to other diagnosable conditions, particularly that of process addictions. First, love addiction must be distinguished from other conditions.2 More notable conditions include dependent personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, psychotic disorders, sex addiction, and erotomania.2
The primary distinction from these disorders as well as other problematic conditions with love is that “(i)n love addiction, immature love—love that is uncertain, external, blind, and beyond one’s control—permeates one’s life.”2 Further, love addicts tend to “assign too much time and value to the other person.”3 This obsession, then leads toward a negative effect on one’s life as other personal needs become neglected.4
How Love Affects the Brain
Despite reservations regarding love addiction as a diagnosable condition, there is parallel research to support the notion that human attachment and the neurobiology of substance abuse entail similar brain regions and neurotransmitters upon activation.5 Though present on a subconscious level, brain “mechanisms underlying pair-bonding in socially monogamous” species “overlap quite substantially with those involved in reward learning and addiction.”5 Accordingly, “(t)he greatest overlap occurs in neurochemical regions involved in the processing of dopamine, oxytocin, and other neurotransmitters such as serotonin.”5 To this extent, there are notable physiological similarities for consideration.
On a cognitive level, when the reward pathway is activated, the brain provides a euphoric sensation leading toward an individual wanting more of it. In this case, “Love is the most important thing in life, and I am willing to sacrifice everything else to have it despite how my partner treats me.” The belief becomes ingrained, thoughts become focused on love, and the entire process follows an obsessive-compulsive pattern.
Signs of Love Addiction: What to Watch For
Signs of love addiction may vary by person and severity of the condition. Given that evidence supports the notion that the condition may, in part, develop from insecure attachments in childhood,4 early warning signs may be present at younger ages. It is not until one begins actively engaging in such relationships, though, where the behavior begins to manifest.
Though not all inclusive, common signs of love addiction may include:
- Needing to be in love
- Putting the romantic partner on a pedestal
- Obsessing over romantic interest
- Experiencing cravings, withdrawals, euphoria, and dependency on their partner
- Needing to fall in love often
- Seeing emotional comfort from a partner to the point of unrequited love
- An inability to be alone6
Again, the primary indicator is putting one’s partner on a pedestal even to one’s detriment.6 This is true even if the partner is emotionally distant and abusive.6
Ages 10-13 are when children typically begin desiring romantic relationships with ages 14-17 being when they begin engaging in sexual activity with others close in age.7 During this time, children and adolescents are still learning much about themselves—who they are, who they want to be, what they like, with whom they want to associate, et cetera. Given this confusion along with a lack of experience in such relationships, relationships are oftentimes volatile. Because of this natural tendency, it may be difficult to notice at the time whether love addiction is present.
For adults and seniors, love addiction may prove more readily noticeable. By this point, the individual may have experienced multiple or even numerous problematic relationships in which the same pattern of behaviors occur. When the same pattern continually occurs, it is important to consider whether what is being observed fits the signs and symptoms of love addiction. Remember that although nobody is perfect, this particular pattern occurs consequent to the maladaptive beliefs, thoughts, and behavioral patterns of the love addicted individual. Without appropriate intervention, each relationship—current and those to follow—will struggle in similar fashion. The cycle will not spontaneously end itself.
Symptoms of Love Addiction
Similar to signs of love addiction, symptoms may vary by person and severity of the condition. Generally, the longer the condition exists, the more problematic the symptoms. One need not be addicted to love to experience any of the identified symptoms. Contrastingly, someone who may meet the criteria for love addiction does not need to demonstrate every symptom. It is clear, however, that the more symptoms met to greater severity, the more significant the problem.
According to love addiction specialist, John Hall, MS, the following describe behaviors, signs, and symptoms of someone struggling with love addiction:8
- Confuses love with obsession, neediness, enmeshment, rescuing another or need to be saved, and-or excessive physical attraction.
- Having little or no boundaries becomes too vulnerable too fast, becomes attached to others without really knowing them.
- Intense fear of being alone, rejected or abandoned– as a result, may tolerate emotional and-or physical abusive behaviors by a partner.
- Fears real intimacy, despite a desperate desire to feel close and connected to someone; may ‘run’ or disengage from healthy intimate contact if it is available.
- Despite pain or chaos, a relationship may bring, feels powerless to get out or leave; may hold onto desperate hopes things will eventually get better.
- Becomes obsessed and preoccupied with a relationship partner; gives up activities, interests, or goals- may grow more isolated and alienated from friends, loved ones, self, and spirituality.
- Desperately believes that one person in a romantic relationship will make him/her valuable, alive, worthy, and admirable.
- When alone or not in a romantic relationship, there is an internal void; a sense that “I don’t matter”; emotionally empty; feelings of being unworthy, unlovable, or undeserving.
- Confuses emotional dependency, drama, and negative intensity for real intimacy, authenticity, or healthy connection.
- When emotional insecurity increases, tries to meet needs and feel better by manipulating or controlling tactics with a romantic partner.
- Can feel immobilized or become acutely preoccupied with romantic fantasies of a relationship partner; or even when not in a committed relationship.
- Becomes attached to people who are emotionally unavailable, distant, avoidant; some become dangerously attached to narcissistic, psychopathic, or sociopathic individuals.
- Idealizes; assigns magical qualities to him/her; often perceives their partner as better than, stronger, more powerful.
- When a relationship ends, or breakup occurs (no matter who ended it)- experiences painful withdrawal and obsessions (similar to drug withdrawal): may feel an extreme sense of betrayal, anger, and pain; avoiding responsibility; blames an ex for not fulfilling unrealistic expectations and relational fantasies.
Note that the progression to love addiction may begin with another diagnosable mental health or substance use disorder and vice versa. Co-occurring conditions (two or more mental health/substance use conditions) serve to exacerbate the above-mentioned symptoms further.
Causes & Triggers of Love Addiction
Although research is still being conducted to determine the underlying causes and triggers of love addiction, it is reasonable to consider that genetics, trauma, and upbringing play an integral part.6 This is true of addiction disorders, in general, as well as other mental health disorders.
More specifically—within the realms of genetics, trauma, and upbringing—common causes and triggers of love addiction currently identified include:
- Childhood trauma6
- History of abandonment4
- History of neglect4
- History of inadequate or inconsistent nurturing4
- Abandonment fears6
- Insecure attachment style with parent(s) or legal guardian(s)4
- Codependency6
- Low self-esteem6
- Low self-worth6
- Lack of self-love6
- Lust for a partner leading toward release of addictive sexual chemicals like oxytocin6
- Other underlying problems6
Although these causes and triggers do not inevitably lead toward love addiction, they are risk factors for consideration. These combined with identified signs and symptoms are cause for exploring the condition further by seeking professional help.
Treatment for Love Addiction
Treatment for love addiction begins with an acknowledgement of the problem and willingness to work through it. From there, it is important to determine based on need and personal preferences the best type of treatment. Current approaches toward treatment include outpatient therapy, intensive outpatient (IOP), residential treatment, and support groups.
Therapy
Given the complexity of love addiction, it is important that a holistic approach to treatment is taken. That is, each problematic factor associated with it should ultimately be addressed and worked through to resolve for a successful recovery. This may include uncovering and processing past trauma; modifying maladaptive beliefs, thoughts, and behaviors; and working with multiple mental health and/or substance use conditions at once. Because of obsessions directed at the other, it is generally recommended to focus on oneself while becoming more comfortable in solitude and functioning independently.1
Common Types of Therapies
Among the most recommended therapies is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).2 Here the therapist and patient work together to challenge distorted beliefs and thoughts about love that lead toward problematic behaviors. 2 A psychodynamic approach may prove useful toward uncovering and processing childhood trauma and attachment difficulties.2 A thoughtful combination of the two may ultimately allow one to work through past as well as present complications to develop healthier coping skills for moving forward. Further, support groups including Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous are helpful toward providing comradery, support, and shared resources.1
Intended Treatment Outcome & Timeline
Treating any addiction takes time. Especially considering a condition that appears to develop and progress over the course of one’s lifetime, there will be much to explore, process, unlearn, and learn. Motivation is a single determining factor as to whether one will ultimately attain and maintain recovery in a timely fashion. By focusing on long-term recovery rather than a quick fix, the process will take longer but have longer lasting, satisfying implications.
Lifestyle Changes
As the saying goes, “If you continue to do what you’ve always done, you’ll continue to get what you’ve always gotten.” Accordingly, lifestyle changes are an essential part of the recovery process. While it is important to not overwhelm yourself by taking on too much at once, slow but steady lifestyle changes will increase the likelihood of success.
Lifestyle changes to occur upon beginning the recovery process may include:1
- Fully engaging in treatment on a consistent basis
- Processing past trauma and learning healthier coping strategies
- Attending self-help/support groups
- Reading self-help books
- Learning how to discern between healthy and unhealthy relationships
- Focusing on one’s independence and ability to feel comfortable in solitude
- If currently in a relationship, distancing oneself from the object of one’s affection
- If not currently in a relationship, avoiding jumping into new ones right away
- Setting healthy and meaningful short- and long-term goals
This is just a handful of useful strategies for consideration that may be explored between the therapist and patient. These specifically do align with the spirit of successful treatment outcomes. Remember that what works for each person will vary. Accordingly, there may be some trial and error until everything comes together.
Medication
It is important to discuss with your prescribing physician, generally a psychiatrist in this case, whether medication is necessary. If you are already prescribed psychiatrist medication, it is important to discuss this with your therapist. In the case of co-occurring conditions, there may be potential for the other condition to be medicated if not already. Regardless, therapy is an integral part of the recovery process.
How to Get Help for a Love Addiction
One may benefit from seeking help for love addiction as soon as possible. Working with a specialist on the addiction, if possible, is also preferred. Because it is not a formally diagnosable condition, specialists and coverage by managed care may be limited. In such cases, one may inquire with addiction specialists to determine if love addiction is a condition they feel comfortable treating.
One valuable resource to help if you cannot find a provider is the Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous website. The website contains various resources and a meeting finder, which includes online, telephone, and local meetings (where applicable). That link is available at the end of this article.
Remember that fit with the style of treatment and therapist is key. Recovery is a long haul, and one’s support system is a critical factor. Finding this fit can make the difference between feeling motivated or simply giving up. Accordingly, do put forth a reasonable effort to explore multiple locations where online or in person and ask questions. Some questions for consideration may entail whether the organization/therapist specializes in love addiction, treatment outcomes for other patients, frequency of meeting, cost, whether managed care covers said addiction, accessibility (if needed), et cetera.
Love Addiction Statistics
Given that research is relatively minimal on the topic, statistics are relatively limited. It is estimated that anywhere from 3-10% of people demonstrate pathological love.1,9 This number may even be as high as 25% in certain populations such as college students.1,9 If these numbers are anywhere near accurate, however, it is an indication that many people are suffering with untreated love addiction and likely do not even know it.
Living with Love Addiction: Coping & Managing Symptoms
Although love addiction—like any other addiction—is not a curable condition, it is treatable. By remaining consistent and intentional throughout recovery for the duration of one’s life, life may ultimately become better than ever. The key is to keep recovery a top priority.
Common techniques for successfully living with love addiction include:
- Successfully completing a treatment program
- Checking back into treatment whenever times get rough or relapse occurs
- Having a positive support system
- Discussing emotions and challenges with trusted others
- Celebrating successes
- Distancing oneself from toxic relationships
- Taking time developing healthy relationships
- Expressing gratitude for the positive things in life
- Empowering oneself to improve self-esteem, self-worth, and self-love
- Regularly attending support groups
- Engaging in healthy hobbies
- Becoming comfortable spending time alone
- Having one’s own identity comprised of independent thoughts, activities, social groups, et cetera
Again, this list is by no means all-inclusive but serves as a start. You know yourself best. Consider healthy things that work and go from there. While in therapy these are the exact types of strategies you and your therapist will explore.
Love Addiction Tests, Quizzes, and Self-Diagnosis Tools
Love addiction tests, quizzes, and self-diagnosis tools are useful toward assessing whether one has love addiction and to what severity. These assessments may be conducted by professionals or done by oneself.
Tests Performed by Professionals
It is recommended with any condition to be assessed by a professional. Professionals are trained to conduct such assessments and diagnose. Further, the tools they use are evidence-based through stringent research processes. Although there is no specific assessment for love addiction, there are various tools professionals may use to assess symptoms as well as pathological love.
Some of these tools may include the Adapted Relationship Assessment Scale (Adapted RAS), the Relationship Assessment Scale (RAS), the Love Attitudes Scale (LAS), Adult Attachment Types, Beck Depression Scale, State-Trait Anxiety Inventory (STAI), Barratt Impulsiveness Scale, et cetera.10
Quizzes and Self-Diagnosis
Various quizzes and self-diagnosis tools are available online and other mediums. One may search for these by querying “love addiction test” or “pathological love test.” One comprehensive self-assessment available online is on the Love Addicts Anonymous website. If the results from this test or another indicate that a problem is present, the next step is to follow up with a professional for a formal assessment and potential diagnosis. Even if love addiction is not the true diagnosis, at least having insight into the issue is a step in the right direction.
