Things to Avoid Telling Your Therapist
Knowing how to prepare for your first therapy session can help keep first-time jitters at bay. Experiencing the benefits of therapy first-hand gives you a safe place for self-inquiry and self-discovery, with an unbiased party–your therapist. However, there are a few things you shouldn’t say to your therapist. This is not intended to make you feel nervous about talking to a therapist, rather provide recommendations to help you get the most out of therapy.
Here are 13 things you should never say to a therapist:
1. Telling Lies & Half-Truths
Lying to your therapist or sharing half-truths ends up making the therapy process more complicated. Your therapist will most likely not know if you aren’t being entirely honest about yourself or a situation. However, your therapist may begin to start to ask questions about some of the details, as they may not add up or sound entirely accurate. This can lead to feelings of anxiety and a preoccupation with keeping your story straight.
2. Leaving Out Important Details
Like telling lies and half-truths, omitting important details as an effort to not lie leads to similar consequences. Sure, you aren’t lying to your therapist–but not sharing all of the information up front could change how your therapist helps you process the situation, and the thoughts and feelings related to it.
3. Testing Your Therapist
You don’t want to test your therapist to see if they are connecting all of the “dots” based on the information that you share. In the beginning stages of therapy, there will be a lot of details you’ve shared that your therapist will be trying to remember. If they ask for clarification or to remind them who someone is in your life, it is not because they aren’t listening or don’t care. Testing your therapist to see if they are paying attention can be damaging and prevent trust from being built.
4. Apologizing for Feelings You Express in Therapy
Out of habit, you may feel the need to apologize for your feelings or for honestly sharing them. As long as you are not being rude or directly insulting your therapist, your session is a safe place to be as honest and candid as you want. There are plenty of places and situations where voicing your honest opinion or expressing your emotions is unsafe or frowned upon–therapy should not be one of them.
5. “I Didn’t Do My Homework”
Listen–you are human, and sometimes you forget to do the homework that was recommended to you during the previous session. Therapists are teachers, in the traditional sense in that there will always be homework or “grades” given at the end of your session. Homework, in the realm of therapy, is a way to stay accountable and reflect on your treatment in between sessions. Typically, the homework does not take long, and is more so an opportunity to practice skills that were modeled during therapy.
6. Detailing Every Minute Detail of Your Day
A good rule of thumb to remember is: if you feel that something is important or relevant, you should share it with your therapist. Most sessions are between 45-60 minutes long, and getting caught up in every minute detail of your day can leave little room to talk about important stressors or bothers. Using your therapist’s time wisely will help make sure your sessions are the most effective and productive they can be.
7. Just Stating the Facts
As cliché as it may sound, a big part of therapy is helping you process your thoughts and feelings about what you are sharing. Stating just the facts does not necessarily tell your therapist how you are feeling about a particular situation. Save time and energy by reflecting on how you feel about what you are sharing. Together, you and your therapist can uncover any hidden emotions that may not be as prominent.
8. Asking Them What You Should Do
Therapy is a tool designed to empower and help you manage your thoughts and feelings, so that you can gain insight and develop effective problem solving skills. Therapists are taught not to provide advice to their clients, to ensure that they are not being held responsible for any undesirable outcomes. Additionally, relying solely on your therapist’s advice or recommendations increases your risk of dependence on them, and does not encourage autonomy of thought.
9. “You Know What I Mean?”
Making the assumption that your therapist knows “what you mean,” or what you’re trying to say, has the potential of leading to miscommunication and misunderstanding. Oftentimes, when you make a comment such as this, your therapist will most likely encourage you to explain a bit more. Even if your therapist has a pretty good idea of what you are trying to say, they will do their best to keep their own thoughts, feelings, and opinions out of the session. It is in your best interest that they encourage you to explain.
10. “You Don’t Care About Me”
Repeatedly stating things like “you don’t care about me” or “it’s your job to care” puts your therapist in an unfair position. The role of a therapist is to keep you safe, and guide you along your journey of growth and development. One of the beautiful parts of therapy is that your therapist genuinely cares about you, and this is long before they receive any payment. Sometimes, what you think you want to hear may not actually be what you need to hear. Your therapist’s job is to challenge you in a way that encourages exploration of other perspectives, and expand your thinking and self-reflection.
11. Asking Them to Diagnose Your Friends or Family Members
Therapy is about you, and only you. Sure, there will be times when you want to share some additional information about a friend or family member to give your therapist a better picture of them. However, it is not appropriate to ask your therapist to diagnose your friends or family members. You will likely receive a response reminding you of their role in your treatment: to support and help you with your goals. Additionally, your therapist will usually not work with your friends or family members, as it could pose the potential of damaging any trust or rapport that has been established between you.
12. “You’re _____, So of Course You Also Think ______”
Assuming your therapist’s belief system, childhood upbringing, or any other personal details can lead to personal biased opinions and misrepresentations. Whether your therapist looks like you or not, it is best to assume that your therapist holds no prior opinions of past experiences. This includes any beliefs around political parties, religion, sexual orientation, cultural stereotypes, socioeconomic status, etc. It is best to not put your therapist directly in the spotlight, unless you feel that they are not giving you their unbiased opinion or support.
13. Assuming Therapy Won’t Work
It is common for someone to be fearful that therapy won’t work for them–whether they have tried it in the past or not. Continually responding to your therapist’s feedback or their suggestions–without giving them an honest try–will only prevent progress from being made. Your therapist wants to see you improve and put in genuine effort, even if you may not perceive something as helpful. You do have the right to change or refuse certain exercises in therapy. However, before you do so, consider what is holding you back from trying something in the first place.
Other Things to Avoid
Other things to avoid during a therapy session include: asking about other confidential conversations with other clients; showcasing violent emotions; or implying any romantic or sexual interest in your therapist. The number one job of a therapist is to keep you safe and protect their clients’ privacy. Asking about the details of other clients, even if it is someone you know, is against the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) of 1996.1
Boundaries are important when it comes to a therapeutic relationship. Like their clients’ safety, your therapist has the right to maintain their own safety. If you are threatening your therapist, or responding violently–such as slamming a door, banging on a table, or yelling– your therapist has a right to refer you to a higher level of care or terminate the therapeutic service. The same applies to implying or suggesting any romantic or sexual activities. This is a major violation of boundaries and could result in your therapist losing the right to practice as a licensed professional in the future.2
How to Find a Therapist
Understanding how to find a therapist can show you some important things to look for when determining which therapist is right for you. Using an online therapist directory is one way to connect with a therapist near you. If you do not feel comfortable with your therapist after the first couple of sessions, it may be worth having a conversation with them or start asking for other referrals. Consultation calls are also a nice way to briefly meet with a therapist before scheduling an intake appointment or becoming a client.
Final Thoughts
Knowing what not to say to a therapist can help you get the most out of treatment. This will keep you from feeling that your therapist is “closed off,” and also prevent you from feeling embarrassed for asking something inappropriate or for crossing a boundary.
For Further Reading
- Mental Health America
- National Alliance on Mental Health
- MentalHealth.gov
- My Safe Processing Place – Mindstead
- How to Break Up With Your Therapist
What Not to Say to Your Therapist Infographics
