What to Say to Someone Going Through a Divorce

How Can Divorce Impact a Person?

Whether divorce has a positive or negative impact on someone depends on the kind of marriage they had and their reasons for divorcing.^{2, 3, 4} For some, the experience of divorce is very traumatic, but people trapped in unhappy or unhealthy marriages for many years may feel a sense of relief and renewed hope after divorce.¹

The research on the impacts of divorce indicates that most people experience more negative impacts at the beginning of the divorce process.² Feelings of guilt, anger, depression, grief, confusion, and loneliness are common early on.¹ Increased stress can be compounded by the tolls of divorce on finances, living standards, or custody of children.^{4, 5}

While most people struggle with increased stress and emotional challenges early on, research suggests this stage is unlikely to last forever.^{3, 5} Most people report that within 2-3 years of divorcing, they feel like they’ve adjusted to their new lives. About 75% of the time, people who divorce describe feeling as though the divorce was a positive event, and many describe being happier.²

How Can Divorce Impact a Family?

In many cases, a divorce will cause ripple effects that have significant impacts on the larger family unit and children. While most experts don’t recommend staying in an unhealthy marriage for the sake of children, it is important to understand the ways that divorce affects children. This way, divorcing parents can take steps to protect their kids from the potential negative impacts.

While each child may respond a little differently to their parents getting a divorce, increased emotional and behavioral problems are typical. Children may throw tantrums, act out in school, or even develop signs of anxiety, depression, or attachment issues.⁶ Usually, these improve with time, sometimes with the help of a licensed therapist. Parents can often minimize the negative effects by not fighting or talking bad about their ex to kids and developing healthy co-parenting boundaries.⁷

Why the Way You Speak About Divorce Matters

When someone you care about tells you they’re getting a divorce, the way that you respond can make a big difference for them, as well as for the future of your relationship with them. It’s common for people who go through divorce to lose or end other close relationships, especially when they feel judged, criticized, or misunderstood.

A warm and supportive response, on the other hand, can go a long way towards helping to protect your relationship with someone. Offering them emotional or practical support during a time of need is often sincerely appreciated, even if they decide not to take you up on this offer. As they go through the different stages of grief in a divorce, a lot of people develop very vivid memories of the people who responded in a nonjudgemental and caring way.

What to Say to Someone Going Through a Divorce

There isn’t one specific ‘right’ thing to say to someone getting divorced, and expressing care, concern, and compassion is what helps the most. It’s important to do this in ways that feel natural since most people can detect when you’re not being authentic. Also, don’t get too focused on finding the ‘perfect’ words because your tone, emphasis, and delivery are what matters most.

Here are ten ideas about what to say to someone who is getting a divorce:

1. Express Your Condolences

Even though divorce isn’t always a bad thing in the end, there’s usually something difficult, stressful, or painful about the process, especially early on.^{2, 4} The end of a marriage is a significant loss, so it’s perfectly appropriate to offer your condolences. By doing so, you are also sending the signal that they can talk to you about it, or at least know that you don’t expect them to be normal or okay right now.

Here are some examples of how to express your condolences:

• “I’m so sorry you’re going through that.”
• “That must be really hard, and I am so sorry.”
• “I am so sorry to hear this, and I can’t imagine what you’re going through.”
• “My heart hurts so much for you, and I am here if you need me.”
• “This is so hard… I am so sorry you’re dealing with this.”

2. Check In to See How They Are Doing

A lot of people going through divorce experience high levels of loneliness, which is why it can be really nice for friends and family to check in a little more often.¹ Sending a text or giving them a quick call to check in and ask how they are doing is often appreciated and a reminder that they aren’t alone.

Here are some examples of how to check in:

• Send a text saying, “How are you doing today?”
• Call them and say, “Just checking in. How are you feeling?”
• Send a message saying, “Hey, I am just worried about you. Are you doing okay?”
• Start a conversation with, “You’ve been on my mind. How are you holding up?”
• After not seeing them for a few days, ask them, “What have the past few days been like for you?”

3. Ask Them What They Need From You

You can sometimes guess what a friend or family member needs from you, but asking is a much more reliable way to provide the kind of support they need. If someone who is still in the initial shock of a divorce says they don’t know what they need, you can always ask them to think about it and let you know. Alternatively, you could also offer up specific ideas of things they might want or need and see which they pick.

Here are some examples of how to ask what they need from you:

• “Is there anything I could do to help you out?”
• “What can I do to support you right now?”
• “What do you need from me? Can I cook? Clean? Pick the kids up?”
• “Would it be helpful if I brought some dinner over later this evening?”
• “I am free Sunday and would really like to give you a hand. What would be most helpful?”

4. Suggest Spending More Time Together

Because the post-divorce stage tends to be a lonely time for people, it can really help them schedule more social activities and outings. A blend of 1:1 time and socializing in groups is proven to lessen some of the negative effects of a divorce.³ This can help them cope with any depression from the divorce, as well as help them form active, social, and healthy routines that will ease the process of adjustment. Suggesting a standing weekly lunch date or signing up for a class or activity together can be great ways to spend more time together.

Here are some examples of how to suggest spending more time together:

• “I want to be here for you through this. Would you have time to go walking with me once a week?”
• “I know you’re really busy, but I really would love it if we could see each other more often.”
• “I would love to see you more. Are you free on Wednesday evenings?”
• “Hey, I have this barre class on Saturdays and wanted to see if you were interested in checking it out with me sometime?”
• “I know you might need some time to yourself, but if you ever want some company, I would love to come over and have dinner with you. We could even make it a weekly thing!”

5. Volunteer Practical Help or Favors

When people get a divorce, they often struggle with more daily responsibilities and tasks at the same time as they’re working through the grieving process. For example, divorcees often struggle with needing to pay bills, raise children, and manage a household without the help of their ex. Practical help with picking up kids, paying a bill, cooking a meal, or fixing something around the house can be a great way to support someone going through a divorce.

Here are some examples of how to offer help:

• “Do you need any help with carpooling? Our kids go to the same school, so it wouldn’t be a problem at all for me to pick them up on certain days.”
• “I know that she used to do a lot of the cooking and thought it might be helpful to have dinners delivered, at least on nights you have the kids.”
• “I really don’t mind helping out with things around the house or with the kids, so please let me know if this would be helpful to you.”
• “I’m at the grocery store and was wondering if I could pick a few things up for you?”
• “I know you have mediation today, and I was wondering if I could help out with school pickup?”

6. Practice Active Listening

Sometimes, it’s possible to make someone feel understood, loved, and supported without saying much at all. Active listening is the practice of giving someone your full, undivided attention and using minimal words and gestures like ‘hmmm’ or ‘mmhmm’ to keep them talking. This form of listening is proven to help boost feelings of empathy and closeness between people and can be a great response to someone who needs to vent.

Here are some examples of how to use active listening:

• Give the person your full and undivided attention.
• Use expressions and eye contact to show you’re really listening.
• Repeat certain important words or phrases they say back, like, “So you’ve just felt invisible…”
• Get clarification by asking, “So you’re feeling relieved or sad or a little of both?”
• Summarize by saying, “It sounds like you’re feeling really drained and exhausted and like you don’t have much energy left over for anything else.”

7. Remind Them That You Care

Letting someone who is going through divorce know that you care about them can be a great source of warmth and comfort and may come in a moment when they most need it. Sending a short but sweet message or giving them a quick call to let them know you were thinking of them, care about them, and are there for them is a great way to support someone during a divorce.

Here are some examples of how to remind someone you care:

• Send a sweet text message, meme, or picture to them
• Write them a card and mail it to them
• Give them a small ‘just because’ mental health gift
• Text them on important days to let them know you remember
• Leave a nice voicemail to let them know you’re thinking of them
• Give friendly reminders to practice emotional self-care

8. Provide Realistic Encouragement

Divorce can be a very discouraging and disheartening experience, especially when the dynamic between spouses is toxic or vengeful.^{1, 5} Words of encouragement can be a great way to counteract these feelings and boost morale. The key is to focus on ‘realistic’ encouragement or positive things that they can reasonably expect to occur in the future.

Here are some examples of how to provide realistic encouragement:

• “You are one of the strongest people that I know.”
• “I know you will feel relieved when this stage is over.”
• “This is really hard right now, but it will probably get easier over time.”
• “I think you guys are doing a good job with the kids.”
• “I have a feeling you’re going to be okay.”

9. Offer to Help Them Find Resources or Help

It can be hard to watch someone you care about struggle or go through hardships, especially when there isn’t anything you can do to help them. Sometimes, we aren’t the right person to help them with their problem, but we may be able to help them find someone who is. Offering community resources, recommendations, and referrals to professionals can be a great way to support someone going through divorce.

Here are some ways to help someone identify resources:

• “Have you thought about starting therapy? I have the name of an amazing counselor who helped another friend through divorce… Can I send you their contact information?”
• “I wanted to send you information about this divorce support group at my church… I asked my pastor, and he said it’s free and happens every Weds @ 6 pm.”
• “I know custody stuff is super stressful (on top of everything else!), and I was wondering if you wanted the name of the family attorney friend I mentioned?”

10. Remain as Neutral as Possible

After the divorce dust settles, losing mutual friends and family members can be a significant source of stress for divorced people. Sometimes, a divorce will cause unavoidable disruptions to certain relationships (i.e., with in-laws), but when possible, it’s best to remain as neutral as possible. Avoid getting roped into arguments, playing the mediator, or getting too involved in the details and drama of the divorcing couple. Sometimes, these boundaries are easiest to establish early on before patterns form.

Here are some examples of how to remain neutral:

• State your intentions clearly by saying something like, “I would like to be friends with both of you still.”
• Avoid talking badly about the person’s ex and gently redirect them when they do so by saying something like, “I love and care about both of you, which is why I need to ask that you both don’t talk badly about each other to me.”
• Set boundaries as needed by saying something like, “I want to be here for you both, but it puts me in a weird spot to be the one you’re both venting to.”

What Not to Say to Someone Going Through a Divorce

While there isn’t a list of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ things to say to someone getting a divorce, certain responses are more likely to trigger negative feelings. It’s best to avoid asking intrusive questions or offering unsolicited advice and opinions. These kinds of responses can make people feel hurt or judged and cause them to put their defenses up and shut you out.

Here are some general tips on what not to say to someone who is getting divorced:

Don’t Interrogate Them or Press for Details

While it’s normal to be curious about what happened or went wrong when a friend tells you they’re getting a divorce, this is usually not an appropriate response. Respect their privacy, and don’t make them feel pressured to satisfy your curiosity. Instead, try to stay focused on being caring and supportive to them.

Don’t Provide Unsolicited Advice to Them

While you may want to help, it’s rarely helpful to offer unsolicited advice to someone who plans on getting a divorce. In fact, giving someone advice about how to patch things up or how to finalize the divorce is more likely to make them feel offended, judged, and defensive.

Don’t Make It About Your Own Feelings

If you were close to the person or couple, it might be hard for you to respond in a neutral way when they announce they’re separating. Try to modulate your own emotions (i.e., don’t break down crying or dancing in celebration) so that you can be there to support the other person.

Don’t Offer Your Opinion or Commentary

Adding in your personal reaction or two cents might not seem like a bad idea (if, say… you hated their spouse anyway), but it can muddy the waters in ways that make it harder for the other person. It could become awkward if they reconcile, it could make a friend wonder what else you’re hiding, and it also can make them feel less able to come to you for support later on.

Don’t Minimize What They’re Going Through

Some people have a nervous habit of trying to lighten the mood at the expense of the other person’s feelings. You can avoid making this mistake by suppressing the urge to change the subject, offer an empty platitude, or make a poorly timed joke. It’s likely that this will only make you feel better while making them feel worse.

Don’t Talk (Bad or Good) About Their Ex

It can be difficult to avoid conversations about exes during the process of divorce, especially when it’s all someone seems to talk about. While they might need to vent, adding your feelings or opinions about their ex into the mix is unlikely to make things better, and it can even backfire in ways that further complicate things.

Don’t Tell Them How to Feel or React

Don’t make the mistake of trying to tell someone else how to feel or react during a divorce, even if you’ve been through one yourself. While it’s okay to offer a few tips (especially if they ask), turning it into a seminar on what divorce will be like can create confusion, especially when their feelings differ from what you describe.

Don’t Promise Them a Happy Ending

It’s hard to witness a loved one experiencing immense grief and pain, and sometimes it creates an urge to promise them that things will be okay, get better, or end happily. The problem with this is there is no way for us to know if those promises are true, and there is nothing we can do to guarantee them.

In My Experience

In my experience, the first year after a divorce tends to be the hardest and the time when people are the most in need of support. Most people end up getting through this adjustment period and finding a new normal on the other side, but learning how to move on after divorce is a little different for everyone. Finding the right words to support someone getting divorced is important, but checking in, showing up, and demonstrating your support is even more important.