Why Am I So Ugly? How to Deal With Negative Self-Talk

Reasons You Have the Thought “Why Am I So Ugly?”

Thoughts such as “Why am I so ugly?” do not stem from a natural belief that you are ugly. A person is not born hating how they look. Self-defeating thoughts develop from external conditions, such as critical parents or experiencing bullying that bring about self-hatred. Additionally, certain internal circumstances, such as mental health conditions, can also skew our self-view.

Reasons you may feel ugly include:

Damaging Societal Expectations for Beauty

Society bombards us with unrealistic expectations of beauty, constantly telling us who we “should” be and who we “could” be. These conflicting messages can deeply impact our self-esteem, making us feel inadequate or unattractive. On one hand, those perceived as overweight are fat-shamed, while on the other, thin individuals are often labeled with hurtful terms like “anorexic.” This relentless pressure creates a suffocating environment where we’re pushed to conform to impossible standards until it feels like we might just burst.

You Have Critical Parents or Caregivers

Having critical parents or caregivers can lead to self-critical thoughts like, “Why am I so ugly?” While parents and caregivers are meant to love and nurture, sometimes they bring their own unresolved traumas into the relationship. This can result in hurtful comments about your appearance, choices, or overall life decisions. Over time, these negative statements can become internalized, resulting in immense self-criticism.

You Live In a Homogeneous Community

In a homogeneous community, where most people share similar beliefs and values, there are often specific standards or expectations around appearance. If your looks don’t align with these standards, you may face criticism from others in the community.¹ This can lead to feelings of being different or “other,” which can negatively impact your self-esteem and make you feel less beautiful.

You Are Struggling With Your Mental Health

Mental health disorders can cause a variety of self-critical feelings, from anxious thoughts and negative core beliefs to feelings of self-loathing. This is especially true with mental illnesses that are body-focused.

Mental health conditions that can cause the thought “Why am I so ugly?” include:

• Body dysmorphia: When a person has body dysmorphia, they struggle to see their body accurately, often fixating on perceived flaws that others might not even notice. This distorted view can lead to persistent and distressing thoughts like, “Why am I so ugly?”
• Mood disorders: Negative self-perception, including thoughts of being ugly or unattractive, is common in depressive disorders and bipolar disorder. This can be due to feelings of worthlessness, low self-esteem, and pervasive negative thinking patterns.
• Anxiety disorders: Certain anxiety disorders, such as social anxiety disorder, can lead to excessive concern about how others perceive one’s appearance. This can result in thoughts like “I am so ugly,” particularly in social situations where there is a fear of rejection or judgment.
• Eating disorders: When a person is suffering from an eating disorder, they will often develop self-hatred towards their body, resulting in thoughts such as “Why am I so ugly?”
• Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD): In some cases, OCD can manifest as obsessive concerns about appearance, leading to persistent, intrusive thoughts about being ugly or unattractive.
• Borderline personality disorder (BPD): Individuals with BPD may experience intense and unstable self-image, including feelings of being unattractive or unworthy of love, which can lead to thoughts like “I am so ugly.”
• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD): Individuals with PTSD, especially those who have experienced sexual trauma or physical or emotional abuse, often have a persistent negative view of themselves. This could manifest in thoughts of being unattractive, unworthy, or ugly
• Substance use disorders: People often use substances to ease their negative self-talk. However, substance misuse often results in further self-hatred, and they may begin to feel ugly due to some substances causing changes in their looks and physical features.

You’ve Been Bullied

Bullying is an unfortunate and common occurrence, especially for young people. Often, a bully will insult a person’s physical appearance, body, and looks as a means of causing them pain and suffering. Having experienced bullying in childhood to one’s teenage years is often a precursor for low self-esteem and thoughts of appearing “ugly.”

You’ve Been Compared to Others

Most of us have that one aunt, uncle, grandparent, or cousin that every time we see them, we are compared to another family member. Comments such as, “Oh, Emma looks great since she lost weight. You’d look great, too, you know.” These passive-aggressive comments are very damaging to our self-esteem and often cause thoughts of, “Why am I so ugly?”

You’ve Been Rejected, Perhaps Multiple Times

Rejection, especially when it happens more than once, can make us believe we are unworthy or flawed in some deep way. It’s normal to start questioning everything—your worth, your attractiveness, and what makes you lovable. Over time, those feelings can pile up, leading you to harsh thoughts like “I am ugly.”

You Place Your Self-Worth in Social Media

When you tie your self-worth to social media, it’s easy for your self-image to take a hit when you don’t get the likes or attention you were hoping for. Research shows that getting positive feedback on social media triggers the brain’s reward system, giving you a dopamine rush.² But when those likes, comments, or notifications don’t roll in as expected, it can feel like a personal rejection. This can lead to negative thoughts, including the belief that “I am ugly,” as you start to equate the lack of online validation with a lack of physical attractiveness or worth.

How to Deal With the Thought “Why Am I So Ugly?”

When you catch yourself thinking, “Why am I so ugly?” it’s important to remember that this is a distorted thought, not a fact. Instead of accepting this thought at face value, practice self-compassion and focus on qualities that truly define your worth, which go far beyond appearance.

Here are fourteen ways to deal with the thought, “Why am I so ugly?”:

1. Prioritize Self-Care

Feeling ugly can cause you to neglect yourself because it’s easy to think, “What’s the point?” and let things slide, whether it’s your appearance, health, or overall well-being. But neglecting yourself only reinforces feeling ugly. This is where self-care becomes so important. Taking the time to care for yourself—like washing your face, going for a walk, or getting a massage—is a way of telling yourself, “I’m worth the effort,” even when you’re struggling to believe it. Over time, these small acts of kindness towards yourself can gradually shift your mindset, helping you see yourself in a more positive light.

2. Appreciate What Your Body Can Do

Body neutrality shifts the focus from how your body looks to what it’s capable of. It encourages you to see your self-worth as something far deeper than appearance alone. This mindset allows you to have days where you don’t feel great about your body without guilt or shame. By focusing on your body’s abilities rather than its appearance, you build a healthier, more supportive relationship with yourself.³

Ways to practice body neutrality include:

• Focus on the way your body functions: Acknowledge your body for what it does for you each day, from guiding you through a job interview to getting you to and from home.
• Embrace what your body has: Your body houses your mind, lungs, humor, soul, heart, and ultimately, the potential for new life.
• Eat intuitively: Intuitive eating is about balancing your eating. It’s listening to our body cues so that when you are hungry, you eat, and when you are full, you listen and stop eating.
• Exercise to feel good: In diet culture, exercise is often associated with losing weight. In the body neutrality movement, it is about feeling good because of your body’s capability.
• Embrace that your body cannot do everything: Perhaps you cannot lift heavier objects, or your body feels tired after running a mile. Acknowledge it without judgment to better combat feelings of shame.

3. Replace Negative Self-Talk With Positive Affirmations

When we feel ugly, we may talk down to ourselves, and over time our negative self-talk starts to feel like the truth, even though it’s not. When you consciously replace these negative thoughts with body positive affirmations, you shift your focus from what’s wrong to what’s right about you.

For example, instead of dwelling on the thought, “I am so ugly,” you could practice saying affirmations like, “I am unique and valuable,” or “I appreciate the qualities that make me who I am.” Over time, consistently using affirmations can help rewire your thinking, making it easier to let go of harsh self-judgments and develop a more balanced and compassionate view of yourself.

4. Re-Evaluate Your Social Media

Start to be more aware of the people you follow outside of your friends and family. Do the celebrities or influencers all look similar? If so, it would be beneficial to widen your perspective to a more diverse-looking group of people. Especially persons with similar features and body shapes. This is very supportive in seeing a representation of how you see yourself received by others in such a positive light.

Additionally, muting or unfollowing social media accounts that leave you feeling “bad” about yourself or your body may be a helpful step. Keeping certain persons you associate with the “perfect body” or “look” can increase negative thoughts. This is not to say you have to permanently remove certain accounts, perhaps for a time until “Why am I so ugly?” thoughts lessen.

5. Spend Time With People Who Love You

The people who care about you see beyond your appearance; they appreciate you for who you are—your personality, your kindness, your humor, and all the qualities that make you unique. Being around them can remind you that your worth isn’t tied to how you look. Their positive energy and support can help you see yourself through a kinder, more compassionate lens.

When you’re feeling down about your appearance, it’s easy to isolate yourself, which can make those feelings even worse. But surrounding yourself with loved ones can break that cycle. They can lift your spirits, offer reassurance, and remind you of your true value.

6. Get Dressed Up

When we feel ugly, we tend to wear baggy t-shirts and sweatpants. However, when you take the time to dress nicely, you are telling yourself that you deserve to feel good and look good. Additionally, when others notice and give you compliments, it can help reinforce that positive feeling.

7. Focus on How You Eat, Sleep, Hydrate, & Exercise

When we feel critical of how we look, it is easy to lose sight of the importance of taking care of ourselves or to even withhold these things as a form of punishment for not looking how we think we should. Tending to your basic needs not only signals to yourself that you are worthy of being cared for as you are right now, but you are also more likely to be able to challenge the negative thoughts you have about yourself.

8. Strive for Imperfection

Feeling ugly often stems from the need to be perfect. When we constantly compare ourselves to these ideals, any perceived imperfection—whether it’s a blemish, a bad hair day, or not fitting into a certain size—can feel like a failure and make you feel less than.  But what if you let go of that pressure? Try giving yourself a pat on the back for just one “good enough” thing you did today. By practicing imperfection, you’ll start to see that you don’t have to be flawless to be worthy of love and respect. Over time, this mindset shift can boost your self-esteem and help you feel better about who you are, inside and out.

9. Work on Middle Ground Thinking

Middle-ground thinking is a dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) skill that bridges two opposing thoughts or views. For example, I love my body, and I hate my body. A middle ground thought to bridge these two opposing views could be something like: I struggle with my body, and I appreciate it for what it does. It is very important to keep the word “and” in the middle rather than the word “but.” “And” keeps both sides acknowledged, “but” can discount one in favor of the other.

Worksheets for Increasing Self-Love

This collection of worksheets is designed to guide you in cultivating self-love by focusing on areas like self-care, gratitude, cognitive restructuring, and recognizing personal strengths. Find the one right for you or download them all here.

Complete Workbook Download

Self-Care Inventory Download

Cognitive Restructuring Download

Personal Strengths Inventory Download

Identifying Your Triggers Download

Practicing Gratitude Download

10. Remember Why People Like You

It is easy to get hyperfocused on one aspect of ourselves that we don’t like and to then lose sight of all the things about ourselves that are worth celebrating. When we lose sight of these things the negativity can build and become overwhelming. Reminding yourself of the qualities about yourself that others like can help give an outsider’s view of things you can learn to appreciate about yourself – your humor, creativity, clever thinking, calmness, etc.

If you aren’t sure where to start, it can be helpful to ask people in your life directly for the qualities that they like in you. Be sure to write these down in the moment so that your brain doesn’t convince you that you heard or remembered them wrong later. Revisit this list as often as you need to begin being able to recall these things without the help of your list.

11. Switch Things Up

How your face and body looks are largely outside of your control, which can lead to a sense of hopelessness and helplessness with how you show up in the world. However, there are things that you can influence, and switching these things up can help you reclaim what it looks like for you to show up in the world. This can include switching up your style, your haircut/color, makeup, doing your nails or even through tattoos and piercings.

12. Radically Accept Your Body for What It Is

Radical acceptance, a skill from DBT, teaches us to fully acknowledge reality as it is, without trying to change or resist it. It doesn’t mean you have to like or agree with everything about your body, but rather, it’s about accepting it without judgment. On not-so-good body image day, lean into radical acceptance. Recognize that today might be tough, and that’s okay. This approach can help you navigate difficult days with greater self-love.

13. Be Careful of How You Speak About Others

It’s easy to slip into making comments about others’ looks or bodies, but this habit can be harmful—not just to the person you’re talking about, but to yourself as well. These kinds of remarks, even if casual, reinforce negative attitudes about body image and can contribute to a culture of judgment and comparison. Pay attention to how often you talk about your own or someone else’s appearance in conversations.

If a conversation turns to body comparison or criticism while socializing, try to steer it towards a more comfortable topic. Whether or not you explain the shift is up to you—do what feels right. If you choose to explain, you might say, “I don’t feel comfortable talking about others’ bodies and looks.”

14. Be Patient With Yourself

When it comes to healing from self-loathing and low self-esteem, the journey, like most, is not linear. There will be many ups and downs. Give yourself some grace as you move through the messages of reclaiming neutrality toward your body.

When to Seek Professional Support

Seeking professional support is highly recommended when negative self-talk begins to impact your daily functioning and the way in which you interact with life. Professional support can come in many forms, including different types of therapy. For negative self-talk, CBT and DBT are very beneficial as they target negative thoughts and work to enhance mindfulness throughout your healing journey.

Using a local therapist directory is a great way to find a therapist who fits your unique needs. If you prefer something online, there are plenty of online therapy services that can match you with a qualified therapist. For example, Online-Therapy.com is a therapy service specializing in CBT, which is particularly effective at combatting negative thinking.