I Hate Myself: Why You Struggle With Self-Hatred & How to Stop

Why Do I Hate Myself?

Hating oneself is more common than many people may realize. According to research, self-loathing is prevalent among individuals with various mental health challenges, such as depression and anxiety.^{1, 2} Specific populations, such as adolescents and young adults, are particularly vulnerable to self-hatred due to the pressures of academic performance, peer comparison, and social media’s influence on mental health. Additionally, those who have experienced trauma or adverse childhood experiences may be at a higher risk of developing self-hatred. However, it’s crucial to note that self-hatred can affect individuals from all walks of life and ages.

Reasons you may hate yourself include:

• Unrealistic expectations and social comparisons: Trying to meet impossible standards and comparing yourself to others often leads to feeling inadequate. This is especially true today, as social media has a huge impact on self-esteem. People showcase their best moments, and it’s easy to feel like you don’t measure up, triggering self-hatred.
• Critical parents: As children, we do not have the tools to filter out criticism. If you’ve received constant negative feedback from your parents, it can lead to adopting these criticisms as your own and continuing self-hate into adulthood. Additionally, if your parents made you feel like a burden, you will internalize that messaging and begin to find your existence something worth hating.³
• Mental health disorders: Mental health disorders such as depression, anxiety, body dysmorphia, and eating disorders can significantly distort one’s self-perception.These conditions magnify self-critical thoughts and undermine self-esteem, which reinforces self-hatred.
• Guilt and shame over past actions: Guilt and shame over past mistakes or regrettable choices can lead to a persistent belief that you are inherently flawed or undeserving of self-acceptance, fueling self-hatred.
• Physical, verbal, or sexual abuse: Experiencing physical, sexual, or verbal abuse can deeply affect your self-worth and perception. These traumatic experiences can lead to profound feelings of shame and self-blame, making it difficult to love yourself.
• Feeling like an outsider: Whether due to social anxiety, cultural differences, or other factors, feeling like you don’t belong can contribute to loneliness, self-isolation, and negative self-perception, fostering a belief that you are somehow different or flawed.
• Childhood trauma: Childhood traumatic events or negative experiences can leave deep emotional scars, making you feel unworthy. Whether it’s childhood emotional neglect, abuse, bullying, or significant losses, these incidents can subconsciously make you feel unworthy, making it challenging to embrace self-love.⁴
• Lack of self-compassion and self-forgiveness: A lack of self-compassion and self-forgiveness plays a pivotal role in nurturing self-hatred.  If you can’t extend the same understanding and kindness to yourself that you would to others, it creates an environment of self-criticism and negativity.
• Perfectionism: Being a perfectionist often means focusing on perceived flaws and shortcomings. This critical self-view lowers self-esteem, fosters self-doubt, and makes it difficult to embrace self-acceptance.
• Fear of rejection: A fear of rejection can lead to seeking constant validation from others. When this validation is not received, it reinforces feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing. This cycle of seeking external approval and fearing rejection hinders the development of genuine self-esteem and prevents you from recognizing your inherent worthiness.
• Feeling helpless or powerless: When you perceive yourself as unable to control your circumstances or improve your life, it can lead to self-directed anger and blame. This internalized frustration reinforces the belief that you are fundamentally flawed, intensifying self-hatred.
• Lack of self-care: Neglecting self-care can worsen all negative feelings and self-hatred. If you don’t take time to engage in activities you enjoy and maintain a healthy lifestyle, you are subconsciously telling yourself that you are not worthy of self-care and self-love.

18 Tips for How to Stop Hating Yourself

Stopping self-hatred requires a combination of immediate relief and long-term efforts toward self-compassion. To find immediate relief, practice grounding exercises, deep breathing, or engage in activities that bring temporary joy. For long-term relief, it’s essential to address the root causes of self-hatred, seek professional help if needed, and commit to practicing self-care and self-acceptance consistently.

Here are eighteen tips and some free worksheets for how to stop hating yourself:

1. Challenge Negative Self-Talk

Developing self-awareness around your inner dialogue is pivotal. You may notice a tendency to overlook positive aspects of yourself as you have become used to negative self-talk. When you catch yourself engaging in self-blame or negativity, instead of accepting these harmful thoughts as truths, actively replace them with positive affirmations that remind you of your worth, capabilities, and strengths. This practice isn’t about denying your struggles but rather about balancing your perspective.

Free Cognitive Restructuring Worksheet

You can recognize unhealthy thought patterns that are causing you increased self-hatred by practicing cognitive restructuring.

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2. Try to Observe Your Thoughts From the Outside

With self-hatred, it is easy to get stuck in unhelpful thought loops that only lead to ruminative episodes. Observing thoughts from the outside can help you create a new perspective and stop negatively ruminating. For example, ask yourself, “What would a fly on the wall say about this situation?” or “What might my best friend say about this situation?” Exploring what else could be true instead of getting stuck in unhelpful thought loops might help you widen your perspective on self-hatred.

3. Lower Your Expectations for Yourself

Self-hatred can often be caused by high expectations and perfectionism. To overcome perfectionism, it is important to lower your expectations and accept that some days you may be able to be more productive than others.

Here are some self-affirmations for lowering your self-expectations:

• Some days I can produce more work than others. Today, I will practice being self-compassionate toward my need for rest.
• Sometimes I can be my own worst critic. Today, I will practice finding the good aspects of myself and my character rather than my flaws.
• I know my expectations of myself can be high. Today, I will practice minimizing expectations and exploring my worth outside of productivity.
• Today I will prioritize rest and save responsibilities for tomorrow.
• Today I will acknowledge how my mistakes have led me toward growth.

4. Set Realistic Goals & Celebrate Small Achievements

Creating achievable goals is a strategy that promotes self-esteem and counteracts self-hatred. Setting goals that are within your reach creates a path that’s realistic and attainable. Equally crucial is acknowledging and celebrating every accomplishment, no matter how small. Remember, each small achievement contributes to your overall progress.

5. Surround Yourself With Supportive People

Surrounding yourself with supportive people is crucial for combating self-hatred and overcoming your inner critic. Having people who believe in you and see your value can be incredibly reassuring. Their positive regard can chip away at self-hatred. Additionally, surrounding yourself with people who see themselves and others in a positive light can inspire you to be kinder to yourself. Their positive self-talk can offer you a model for self-compassion.

6. Practice Self-Care (Even When You Don’t Want To)

Self-care is a fundamental practice, particularly when grappling with feelings of unworthiness or self-hatred. By intentionally engaging in activities that boost your physical, emotional, and mental well-being, you are telling yourself that you are worthy of self-love. There are many different types of self-care, and it is important to find what works for you.

7. Explore the Cause in Therapy

Self-hatred does not exist in a vacuum, and it is important to explore what may be fueling your self-loathing. Therapy, particularly cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and psychodynamic therapy, can be immensely beneficial in exploring the root causes of why you hate yourself. It provides a safe space to explore past experiences, challenge negative self-beliefs, and develop healthier coping mechanisms.

8. Embrace Imperfections & Mistakes

Recognizing that perfection is unattainable is a significant step towards stopping to beat yourself up. Regardless of appearance, everyone grapples with imperfections and makes mistakes—it’s an innate part of the human experience. Rather than viewing these missteps as validation for self-hate, perceiving them as chances for growth and learning is empowering.⁵ Embracing imperfections shifts your perspective, allowing you to see them as valuable experiences contributing to personal development.

9. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness is a transformative practice that can significantly contribute to overcoming self-hatred. Tuning into the present moment can help you become more aware of when you are going down a self-hatred spiral. Mindfulness encourages accepting your thoughts and feelings, even the negative ones, without judgment. This allows you to observe your self-hatred objectively rather than getting caught up in it. Meditation apps, such as Headspace, make practicing mindfulness simple and accessible.

10. Avoid Seeking Approval From Others

If you struggle with self-hatred, it is likely that you also struggle with people-pleasing behaviors. The fear of rejection can make it difficult to say no or express your needs to others. It is important to avoid seeking approval and instead practice setting boundaries. Setting boundaries is a way to remind yourself that you are just as worthy as everyone else of having your needs met.

Here are some examples of how to say “no”:

• “Thank you for expressing your opinion. My opinion is XYZ, but I still appreciate hearing what you have to say.”
• “Thank you for inviting me to XYZ. It means a lot that you want me around. I have some other commitments that have to be prioritized, but maybe I could join you next time.”
• “I am not interested in participating. Thank you for asking.”
• “I can’t help you with XYZ, but I could help with ABC. Let me know what your deadline is, and we can discuss when I can help with ABC.”

11. Get Better Sleep

Studies indicate that better quality sleep is linked with an overall improvement in mental health, specifically lessened anxiety, depression, and ruminative symptoms.⁶ Getting better sleep may include developing a nighttime routine, setting the bedroom to a colder temperature, keeping your phone out of the bedroom, turning off lights, or using white noise machines for gentle stimulation.

12. Journal About Your Strengths

Feelings of jealousy are common in individuals with self-hatred because when you focus on what you perceive as your flaws and limitations, it’s easy to become envious of others’ perceived strengths and successes. Gratitude journaling can help you stop being jealous because you will focus on what you’re good at and move your attention away from dwelling on what others have. Practicing gratitude reduces the social comparison that fuels jealousy.

Free Personal Strengths Inventory Worksheet

Creating a personal strengths inventory can be a powerful tool to combat self-criticism and negative self-talk.

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13. Learn More About (& Start Practicing) Self-Compassion

Learning about and practicing self-compassion is a powerful tool to combat self-hatred because it fundamentally changes how you treat yourself.⁵ When you feel a surge of self-hatred, self-compassion allows you to pause and acknowledge that feeling. You can then remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes and that you deserve kindness, just like anyone else. This shift in perspective weakens the grip of self-hatred and allows you to offer yourself the support you need to move forward.

Examples of self-compassionate practice include acknowledging your emotions rather than avoiding them, seeking support from others rather than isolating yourself, and developing kindness instead of automatic judgment.⁵ Mindfulness practices, such as loving-kindness meditations, are also a great way to develop self-compassion.⁷

14. Engage in Activities You Enjoy

Engaging in activities that ignite joy and fulfillment is a crucial strategy for battling self-hatred. When you engage in hobbies or pursuits that you are passionate about, you create positive experiences. These enjoyable moments help balance out the negative emotions tied to self-hatred. Doing what you love also boosts your sense of accomplishment and self-worth.

15. Forgive Yourself

Forgiving yourself and acknowledging that making mistakes is an inherent part of the human experience is a crucial mindset shift in combating self-hatred. Realizing that everyone makes errors helps you see your struggles as a common experience. This perspective can be freeing, breaking the belief that your imperfections are unique or unforgivable.

16. Train Yourself to Accept Compliments

Accepting compliments can be difficult because you may struggle to believe anything positive about yourself. This often leads to rejecting or trying to disprove compliments from co-workers, friends, and family. However, learning to accept compliments helps reinforce the idea that you are a unique and talented individual who deserves self-love.

17. Try Not to Take Criticism Personally

Self-hatred can make you see any criticism as an attack on your entire being. Learning not to take other people’s thoughts or comments as personal criticisms and judgments helps you separate the feedback from your self-worth. Remind yourself that you can acknowledge the feedback without letting it define you. Learning not to take everything personally empowers you to grow rather than fall into self-loathing.

18. Allow Yourself to Dream Big

Self-hatred can encourage fears of setting and maintaining short- and long-term goals. You may doubt your capacity to fulfill these goals, and so the fear of even setting goals becomes too overwhelming to approach. However, when you allow yourself to dream big, you focus on what you can achieve, not your perceived limitations. This challenges the negative self-talk that fuels self-hatred. Big dreams also give your life direction and meaning, which can counteract any feelings of worthlessness you may have developed.

When to Seek Professional Support

Hating yourself can devastate various aspects of daily life, overtly and subtly. If self-hatred significantly impacts daily life, relationships, or overall well-being, seeking professional help is crucial. A local therapist directory is a great way to find a therapist in your area who takes your insurance. If you prefer to see a therapist remotely, online therapy platforms such as Talkspace or BetterHelp can set you up with a therapist specializing in self-esteem, self-compassion, and related issues.