To be self-critical is to never feel content with yourself, like you have never done enough. Ultimately, it results in the feeling of not being enough. All your weaknesses, shortcomings, and mistakes are constantly top of mind, and it feels like you can never get relief from yourself.
What Does Self Critical Mean?
Do you remember that feeling when a teacher gave you unwanted feedback on an exam, or a boss gave you a less-than-stellar review? Those kinds of memories usually involve criticism. Constructive criticism can be helpful, but other criticism can be downright negative. Typically, being self-critical refers to the latter.
This kind of internal self-harassment feels like having someone standing over your shoulder at all times, waiting to point out every flaw or mistake.1
Is Being Self-Critical Good or Bad?
While some positive self-criticism can lead to healthy beliefs, attitudes, and emotions, including wanting to grow as a person or better yourself, too much of it or negative self-criticism ultimately limits growth.1 If you feel like you are your own worst enemy, or that you are constantly getting in your own way, your level of self-criticism has likely crossed the line from helpful to harmful.
10 Signs You’re Too Self-Critical
Signs that you may be too self-critical include a sensitivity or preoccupation with personal mistakes and failures, being less assertive than others, and feeling a sense of sadness or shame.1
Here are ten signs that you’re too self-critical:1
- You’re a perfectionist
- You’re terrified of failing
- You’re overly responsible
- You crave control
- You ruminate
- Your self-talk is negative
- You have low self-esteem
- You’re easily annoyed or frustrated with yourself
- You feel undesirable
- You’re insecure
Why Am I So Self Critical?
The most common answers to “Why am I this way?” come down to parenting. Our early childhood experiences, parents, or caregivers play a significant role in forming our individual identities. Genetic predisposition and temperament are also involved, making some people more sensitive to criticism or prone to depression and negative thoughts. Culture and media also play a role in shaping what we feel we “should” be or do.
If we take development out of the equation, then self-criticism can be viewed as an internal sensitivity to making mistakes, feeling out of control, or feeling inferior to others. Self-criticism can also be a result of having a difficult time being assertive and communicating your needs to others, and then blaming yourself when things go wrong.
You develop negative core beliefs about yourself such as, “I’m incapable” or “I’m unlovable;” then, every experience is viewed through the lens of those beliefs.
How & When to Get Help
Being self-critical is often linked with underlying mental illness, particularly with anxiety, depression, and eating disorders. If you notice that it’s difficult or impossible to put away negative thoughts about yourself, or that they’re constantly on your mind, it’s time to seek help.
Other signs that it might be time to seek help are:
- Overwhelm
- Sadness
- Tension
- Difficulty concentrating
- Significant changes to your eating habits
You don’t have to suffer alone. If anything in this article resonated with you and you’d like to find a therapist and explore a free therapist directory to find a qualified professional in your area.
15 Ways to Stop Being a Self Critic
Teaching yourself to be less self-critical is challenging, but it can be done. Increased self-awareness in order to notice your own thoughts and how your body feels physically are key to decreasing self-critical thoughts. Another aspect of decreasing self-criticism includes increasing self-compassion and acceptance of your human fallibility.
Here are fifteen ways to cope with being a self-critic:
1. Mindfulness
Get in touch with yourself! Mindfulness for anxiety or to address being self-critical doesn’t have to take years to learn. You can start right now by pausing, unclenching your jaw, and breathing deeply – in through your nose and out slowly through your mouth.
2. Identify Your Strengths
You don’t have to be the best at anything, but can you name a few things you’re good at? Maybe you’re good at staying calm in a crisis or making pancakes. It doesn’t have to be anything earth shattering, but it can give you a glimpse of hope.
3. Notice When You Have Self-Critical Thoughts
If you can train your mind to notice when you have a self-critical thought, you can begin to untangle it from who you are. Instead of thinking, “I’ll never succeed at this,” you’ll be able to notice your thought and separate it, so it becomes: “I’m having a thought that I’ll never succeed at this.”
4. Challenge Your Thoughts
Once you’re able to notice the self-critical thoughts you have, try challenging them. Ask yourself if there’s another possible explanation for what happened, or if there’s any actual evidence for or against your self-critical thoughts.
5. Embrace the Power of “Yet”
Try adding “yet” to the end of your self-critical thoughts to transform them into a goal that you’re working toward vs. a statement of self-doubt. So, for example: “I haven’t been able to succeed at this yet.”
6. Practice Kindness
Learn to love yourself, even in moments of imperfection. Repeating mantras to yourself such as, “I can’t do this yet, but I’m trying my best” can be helpful reminders to accept your humanness.
7. Practice Acceptance
Accepting imperfections as part of the human experience can go a long way in increasing compassion toward yourself. Rather than avoiding your shortcomings, it can be helpful to look them full on and accept that you are, after all, only human.
8. What Would You Tell a Friend In Your Situation?
People who are self-critical often hold themselves to a higher standard than friends and loved ones. If you’re having a hard time challenging your thoughts, consider what you would say to a friend who was having similar thoughts.
9. Engage In Pleasant Experiences
Give yourself a break every now and then and practice emotional self-care. Set aside some time to do something you enjoy, just for the sake of it.
10. Ground Yourself
Take a moment to bring your thoughts away from worry or criticism. Look around the room and name everything you see that’s blue.
11. Write It Down
Jotting down your thoughts can bring them out from your head and down onto paper (or your notes app). It helps create some separation so you’re able to see your thoughts rather than just experience them in your mind.
12. Consider When You’ve Done Something Well
Look back at your experiences and think of a few times where you did something well or were able to be proud of yourself. Remind yourself that the same person who did that is capable of doing it again.
13. Be Realistic
You hold yourself to a high standard. Are any of your standards unrealistic? What would it look like for you to hold yourself to a high, but reasonable and attainable standard?
14. Examine Different Parts of Your Life
Are you able to be less self-critical in any part of your life? Consider different roles you hold, including as a partner, child, parent, colleague, boss, etc. and whether you’re able to have more grace for yourself in any of those areas.
15. Make a Self-care Plan
You care for yourself in a myriad of ways – emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially. Take time to engage in caring for yourself in meaningful ways.
Final Thoughts
Self-criticism can be a helpful motivator, but if it gets out of control, there are steps you can take to feel better about yourself. It can feel like a hopeless situation, especially when you’re stuck in seemingly impossible standards, but you don’t have to be alone with your thoughts, and you don’t have to stay beholden to them forever.
For Further Reading
If you’d like more information or resources on how to stop being self-critical, explore:
- Brenè Brown’s work on shame and resilience
- Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion
