Anger is a normal emotion, but it becomes a problem when it is felt too intensely, too often, and expressed inappropriately. People with problems controlling anger often feel a sense of loss or regret after expressing anger, and many experience negative consequences as a result of their actions. Some ways to deal with anger include attending an anger management class, talking with a therapist, and relaxation techniques.
Causes of Anger
Anger is your body’s way of alerting you to a situation. It plays a role in human behavior, triggering a response to a situation. The behavior you respond with is what decides the outcome of the situation, and any consequences associated with it. Anger is an emotion, and despite its negative stigma, it is, like all other emotions, inherently neutral.
Anger can be caused by many different things. It could be something simple, like losing at a board game, or something major like being overlooked for a promotion at work, and anything in between. Anger is thought to be a secondary emotion (especially in men who have been socialized to consider anger a more “appropriate” emotion), commonly linked to fear.1
In the above examples, losing at a board game may hit on the fear of being inadequate, and being passed over for a promotion may touch on fear of being unable to provide for a family. Anger is secondary to so many other emotions as well. The emotion of anger typically hints that a situation requires action in order to avoid a perceived danger.
How Anger Can Affect Your Mental Health
Anger can often exacerbate other mental health problems you may have and vice versa. Anger can go hand in hand with conditions like depression, impulse control disorders, personality disorders and many other disorders.2 Intense anger can come about when you are unable to cope with other, often deeper emotions, or when those emotions begin to overwhelm.
Anger is also associated with loss and grief. Anger is one of the five stages of grief typically experienced, and is a real part of processing and dealing with a sense of loss.3 Loss is not only felt when we lose someone close to us, but also when we have to move from a familiar place, make a major transition in life, experience a life changing illness, and many other situations of change.
Anger & Self-Harm
“Anger becomes a problem when it begins to affect a person’s daily life and causes them to react in ways that might hurt themselves and/or others around them.”4 The truth is that anger, when unmanaged, can result in harm to self and others. Often, feeling overwhelmed and unable to otherwise express or understand an emotion, like anger, can lead to a physical expression of that emotion, such as self-harm. Self-harm includes anything you do to intentionally injure yourself.
Some of the more common ways include:
- Cutting or severely scratching your skin
- Burning or scalding yourself
- Hitting yourself or banging your head
- Punching things or throwing your body against walls and hard objects
- Sticking objects into your skin
- Intentionally preventing wounds from healing
- Swallowing poisonous substances or inappropriate objects
Self-harm can also include less obvious ways of hurting yourself or putting yourself in danger, such as driving recklessly, binge drinking, taking too many drugs, or having unsafe sex.5 If you or a loved one is exhibiting any of the behaviors above, please seek professional help from a trained therapist.
When to Get Professional Help for Anger Management
When anger is felt too intensely and often that it impacts your everyday life, it may be time to seek professional help. If anger has led to actions like self-harm, violence, damaged relationships, or drug use, it is time to seek help. If others have told you that you may have an anger problem, asked you why you are so angry all the time, or avoided you out of fear, it is time to seek help.
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Who Should I Consult for Help Manage Anger?
Anger problems are a common issue dealt with by many people. Most licensed therapists and counselors are able to address anger issues with clients. You may consider seeking a professional based on what area of life is most severely affected by your anger. If your relationship with a significant other or your family is impacted, consider seeking out a Marriage and Family Therapist. If your personal life is mainly affected, a Social Worker or Licensed Professional Counselor may be more appropriate.
Anger management groups have also proved to be effective in conjunction with therapy, and can be a good way of connecting with peers who are dealing with similar issues and have had success in handling their anger problems. Anger management can help you with communication, staying healthy, prevent social problems, stay motivated, and avoid unhealthy coping strategies.6
How to Find a Therapist for Anger Management
Working with a Therapist can be one of the most beneficial means of treating anger control problems. Treatment typically will last multiple sessions, and you can expect to pay cash rates from $100-$200 per session depending on your area. Finding a therapist to work with is relatively easy using an online therapist directory and sorting by a specialty in anger issues, anger management, and even REBT for anger management. You may also be able to call your insurance company to get referred to an in-network therapist to work with.
5 Tips for Anger Management
If you’re dealing with problems related to anger, there are lots of ways to support yourself. You can seek therapy, learn communication skills, become familiar with your own emotions, and improve relationships.
1. Consult Your Therapist
Talking with a therapist is likely the best way to start to deal with anger issues. The type of therapy you choose may be determined by what part of life is being most affected by the anger problems. One-on-one therapy is likely a default starting point for most people, and is great for managing personal matters and dealing with how your anger impacts your life and the way you interact with the world around you. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for anger management can be effective in helping to identify triggers and introducing coping skills to help you effectively manage it.
Couples therapy is likely necessary if your anger problems have caused damage to your partner, whether emotional or physical. Couples therapy tends to focus on healing from hurts experienced in a relationship, and moving forward with what is best for the people involved. Couples therapy can lead to a better, stronger relationship in some instances.
2. Go to an Anger Management Group
Anger management groups can often be found through community organizations, therapy clinics, churches, medical centers, and many other avenues. They provide a place where peers can get together and share their own experiences, struggles, and successes. It can help you stay accountable to the group while working on your anger and bring success in managing anger.
Online support groups are also a great way to connect with others dealing with anger management, and often provide a more immediate and regular interaction than weekly/monthly support groups. They should not replace a support group if that is something you need, but can serve as a supplement.
3. Call a Friend
Having a trusted friend on call can be a great help to dealing with anger and preventing you from taking actions that would lead to negative consequences. Similar to a sponsor in AA (alcoholics anonymous), or an accountability partner, having a friend to call when things get hairy can give you an opportunity to talk through the anger, what is behind it, and rationalize how to deal with it.
4. Self-Care
Many times, your overall health and physical well-being has a major impact on emotional health. Doing things that reduce stress and keep you healthy can reduce instances where anger becomes overwhelming. Make sure you get enough sleep each night, eat healthy foods, get outside regularly, and exercise regularly.
5. Practice Positive Communication
The ability to communicate effectively concerning your thoughts and feelings can dramatically improve your ability to manage anger. Practicing how to identify and name emotions you are experiencing, and why they are coming about can help you to better express the harder emotions when you experience them. Keeping a feelings journal can help, but also just quietly stating your experience in the moment out loud to yourself or a trusted friend can go a long way.
How To Support a Loved One Through a Time of Anger
The first thing to do is remain calm, and do not further escalate the situation. Interacting with an angry person can be quite intense. If you feel unsafe, or they get violent, leave the situation and call for help.
If you are able to, plan what you will say before starting a conversation with them. Use “I” statements like, “I get scared when you yell at me” rather than “You’re always yelling.”7 Offering help like taking them to an anger management group, or helping them find a therapist to work with may work as well.
For Further Reading
Anger Management Infographics
