Arguing With Someone Who Has ADHD: Why It Happens & How To Stop

How to Stop Arguing With Someone Who Has ADHD

Even though communicating with someone with ADHD can be frustrating for both the person with ADHD and their partner, there are communication strategies that can help you have difficult conversations more successfully. The more these techniques are practiced, the easier they will be. With the proper know-how, you will be able to reduce and even stop arguments in their tracks.

Here are twelve tips for how to stop arguing with someone who has ADHD:¹

1. Give Them Space to Regulate

Individuals with ADHD can often struggle with emotional dysregulation. If you notice your partner becoming upset, suggest taking a break. Stepping away for 10 to 30 minutes (or more), always with the intention of coming back to the subject, will allow both of you to cool off and better express yourselves.

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2. Don’t Judge Them

If the cause of the argument relates to their ADHD symptoms, such as time blindness, forgetfulness, or disorganization,  it’s crucial to approach these conversations with sensitivity.² While discussing these issues is important because they affect you, choose your words carefully and avoid judgment. They likely already feel shame about these struggles, and criticism will only exacerbate it. Remember, they are likely just as frustrated and impacted by their symptoms as you are, if not more.

3. Be Brief & Clear

A key symptom of ADHD is executive dysfunction, which can make following an argument difficult. If you give long speeches about what is bothering you, they might miss the important points in the conversation. In order to ensure they are taking in what you are expressing, it is important to stick to the point and be clear about what you are trying to express.

4. Focus On the Present

Try to stick with the original topic or event and avoid bringing up past arguments or disagreements. Doing so can cause the person with ADHD to feel overwhelmed or attacked, leading to shut-downs or escalations. Additionally, people with ADHD can struggle with short-term memory, so they may not be able to recall frustrations from the past and just leave the argument feeling confused.

5. Communicate at the Right Time

Find a time to have difficult discussions when you both can give full attention. This might be after the kids are in bed, when the chores are done, or when you have a break from work. Doing so will help the person with ADHD to focus and avoid misunderstandings.

6. Ask for Clarification Once Calm

When we are angry, our brain goes into fight or flight mode, which can lead to hurtful things being said without much thought. This is especially true for individuals with ADHD, who often struggle with impulsivity. Once things have calmed down, take the time to process these moments together and discuss how similar situations can be handled differently in the future.

7. Establish Guidelines

By setting clear ‘fair fighting rules,’ you can create a structured and predictable environment that minimizes misunderstandings and impulsive reactions, which are common challenges associated with ADHD.

Here are specific guidelines to consider:

• Establish when and how discussions should take place. For instance, agree to address important issues during calm, designated times rather than during moments of frustration.
• Use “I” statements to express feelings and needs without placing blame.
• Scheduled breaks during discussions if emotions start to escalate.
• Practice active listening, where each person takes turns speaking and listening without interruption.
• Before responding, summarise what the other person has said to ensure understanding.
• For important agreements, consider writing down key points.

8. Let the Little Things Go

Letting go of minor issues can be incredibly beneficial when interacting with someone who has ADHD. Individuals with ADHD often struggle with emotional regulation and can easily become overwhelmed or hurt by criticism. By choosing to focus on major concerns and overlooking smaller annoyances, you can create a more positive and supportive atmosphere.

9. Avoid Interrupting Each Other

It’s crucial to avoid interruptions when arguing with someone who has ADHD due to their difficulties with working memory and maintaining focus. Interruptions can make them lose their train of thought, which can lead to frustrations, causing tensions to escalate even more. By allowing each person to fully express what they need to say without being interrupted, symptoms like impulsivity can become a nonissue, and a coherent conversation will be able to happen to hopefully help reach a resolution.

10. Acknowledge Their Feelings

Acknowledging feelings when arguing with someone who has ADHD is important because individuals with ADHD are prone to rejection-sensitive dysphoria, making them more sensitive to perceived criticism. By actively listening, validating their perspective, and using statements to reflect their feelings back to them, you will recognize their emotions and de-escalate conflicts to create space for safe and open communications.

11. Be Understanding of Distractions

Inattention is often a core symptom of ADHD, so being understanding of distractions is helpful since it’s likely to come up while arguing. Recognize that distraction is not a sign of disrespect or boredom but just part of ADHD that may not be able to be controlled. Don’t take it personally, and instead, gently redirect their attention back to the current conversation. Taking breaks or changing the environment could also help minimize distractions and keep focus on resolving the conflict.

12. Work With a Mental Health Professional

A therapist can provide a safe space for you (and possibly the person with ADHD) to discuss communication styles and develop strategies for more productive conversations. They can also help you understand ADHD better and develop coping mechanisms for dealing with the challenges it can present in relationships.

If you are fighting with a romantic partner, a couples therapist can work with both of you to help you improve communication within your relationship. If you are fighting with a family member, you may wish to explore family therapy. You may also benefit from individual therapy, where you can develop communication tools and learn how to set boundaries. You can also encourage and help the individual with ADHD to find a neurodivergent-affirming therapist who can provide them with coping skills for their ADHD.

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When to Seek Professional Support

If you have someone close to you with ADHD and frequent arguments are starting to affect your mental health, it may be time to seek professional support. A local therapist directory can help you find an individual, couples, or family therapist who specializes in ADHD and accepts your insurance. Additionally, online therapy services like Talkspace offer the convenience of receiving therapy from home. Talkspace provides couples therapy and individual therapy, making it an excellent option if you wish to explore both simultaneously.

Why Are People With ADHD Prone to Arguing?

People with ADHD may be more likely to argue due to several key ADHD symptoms. Impulsivity can lead them to speak or act without considering the consequences. Emotional dysregulation can make them hypersensitive to criticism and cause them to have stronger reactions to frustration. Additionally, the back-and-forth of an argument can provide a surge of dopamine that the ADHD brain craves.³

ADHD symptoms that increase the risk of arguing include:

• Emotional dysregulation:  A recent study reported that 70% of adults with ADHD report emotional dysregulation.⁴ This means that they are more likely to be irritable and more reactive to something their partner says that might seem like an attack.
• Dopamine deficiency: Individuals with ADHD are dopamine deficient, and arguing can provide a sense of stimulation and adrenaline. Engaging in a heated debate can feel invigorating and intoxicating. This adrenaline rush from arguing is often discovered at an early age and can persist into adulthood, becoming a habitual response to seeking excitement and engagement.
• Impulsivity:  individuals with ADHD often struggle with impulsivity, and can react quickly and emotionally to situations without fully processing them. Impulsivity can lead to more arguments because the individual may respond defensively to small criticisms before considering an alternative perspective or allowing the tension to naturally disappear.
• Irritability and anger: ADHD and anger often go hand in hand. Individuals with ADHD struggle with impulsivity and emotion regulation, making them quick to act on their emotions, which can frequently manifest as irritability and frustration. This can pose many challenges within relationships, such as interrupting others or being more sensitive to certain comments or tones, all of which can lead to conflict.⁵
• Perfectionism: Individuals with ADHD are prone to perfectionism. When a person struggles with perfectionism, they set unrealistic expectations for themselves and others, and it can cause extreme frustration or even anger when those expectations are inevitably unmet.
• Sensory overload: It is common for those with ADHD to be overstimulated by the different sensory information that the brain takes in. Sensory information like smells, sounds, and textures can seem more intense, or if they are exposed to them for longer periods of time, it can lead to them becoming on edge and irritable.