Being in a relationship with someone who has ADHD can come with challenges. Since those with ADHD struggle with emotion regulation and a heightened sensitivity to feeling rejected, they can be more prone to arguments. It’s important to understand that it isn’t always intentional and can be difficult to manage. Learning different communication skills that are most helpful for those with ADHD can make a difference.
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ADHD & Arguing
A few reasons an individual with ADHD may be more prone to argue is because arguing offers a sense of stimulation and adrenaline.1 Getting into a heated debate can feel intoxicating. This rush of adrenaline from arguing can be something that was discovered at an early age and that has carried into adulthood. However, this isn’t something that is always obvious to the person with ADHD.
Both hyperactive-impulsive and inattentive ADHD types can be prone to arguing. A recent study reported that 70% of adults with ADHD report emotion dysregulation.2 This means that they are more likely to be irritable and more reactive to something their partner says that might seem like an attack.
ADHD symptoms that increase the risk of arguing include:
ADHD & Emotional Dysregulation
Since ADHD impacts the brain’s executive functioning, it impairs a person’s ability to manage their emotions, among other things. It feels like they have a short fuse. When a person with ADHD is faced with an emotionally charged situation, they respond in an overactive or inconsistent way, which can look like aggression or irritability.3 This can easily turn into an argument.
ADHD & Time Blindness
ADHD impacts the parts of our brain that help us estimate how much time we have and how long tasks will take to complete.4 This impact on the brain’s perception of time is called time blindness. It is a very common side effect amongst those with ADHD and can cause them to be late, struggle to meet deadlines, and under or overestimate how much time is passing. This can lead to conflicts within relationships if the person with ADHD is struggling to show up on time or the partner has to give frequent reminders to do something around the house.
ADHD & Anger
ADHD and anger are a common pairing. Since those with ADHD struggle with impulsivity and emotion regulation, they are quick to act on their emotions, and this can often show up as irritability and frustration. This can pose many challenges within relationships like interrupting others or being more sensitive to certain comments or tones, all of which can lead to conflict.
ADHD & Poor Working Memory
When a person has poor working memory, they struggle to hold multiple tasks or ideas in their mind at once, which inhibits their ability to do things like follow instructions, organize activities, reach a goal, and pay attention. It requires a lot of energy and effort to maintain enough focus to allow the working memory to function in the way they need, and when they fail a task or forget, it can seem like they are lazy or unmotivated. This sense of failure can lead to a lot of frustration for themselves and within their relationships.
ADHD & Perfectionism
ADHD and perfectionism can seem like an unlikely pairing at first glance. But it’s a common symptom that can come from trying to compensate for past ADHD-related errors or for feeling less than others. When a person struggles with perfectionism, they set unrealistic expectations for themselves and others, and it can cause extreme frustration or even anger when those expectations are inevitably unmet.
ADHD & Sensory Overload
It is common for those with ADHD to have hypersensitivity to the different sensory information that the brain takes in. Sensory information like smells, sounds, and textures can seem more intense, or if they are exposed to them for longer periods of time, it can lead to them becoming on edge and irritable.
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ADHD Argumentative Behaviors in Adults Vs. Adolescents
ADHD can show up differently and can also shift in presentation and intensity throughout the
lifespan. In childhood, when our brains are just beginning to develop and we are still learning to manage our emotions and how to communicate our needs when we are upset can be very challenging. Children with ADHD tend to argue in the form of screaming, throwing things, or hitting, aka a temper tantrum.
8 Tips on How to Stop Arguing With Someone Who Has ADHD
Even though communicating with someone with ADHD can be frustrating for both the person with ADHD and their partner, there are communication strategies that can be very helpful. The more these techniques are practiced, the easier they will be. They can help reduce and even stop arguments in their tracks.
Here are 8 tips for how to stop arguing with someone who has ADHD:5
- Give them space to regulate: If you notice your partner becoming upset, suggest taking a break. Stepping away for 10 to 30 minutes (or more), always with the intention of coming back to the subject, will allow for both of you to cool off and better express yourselves.
- Don’t judge them: With ADHD and all the challenges that it brings, there is also a lot of shame that can come along with it. This is why it is so important to come from a non-judgmental stance.
- Be brief and clear: In order to ensure they are taking in what you are expressing, it is important to stick to the point and be clear about what you are trying to express.
- Focus on the present: Try to stick with the original topic or event and avoid bringing up past arguments or disagreements. Doing so can cause the person with ADHD to feel overwhelmed or attacked, leading to shut-downs or escalations.
- Avoid Multitasking: Find a time to have difficult discussions when you both can give full attention. This might be after the kids are in bed, when the chores are done, or when you have a break from work. Doing so will limit distractions and misunderstandings.
- Allow for recovery: Remember that both of you are human and that one or both of you have ADHD. This means that things might be said impulsively or without thought. Process those with your partner when things have calmed down and go over how things can be different in the future.
- Ask for clarification: When we are angry, we’re in our fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response, and our cognitive functioning goes offline. Throw ADHD in the mix, and things are being said that might be easily misconstrued or unintended. Repeat back what is being said and ensure it is what they meant. Allow them an opportunity to correct themselves.
- Allow for note taking: People with ADHD might have difficulty remembering everything that is being said or worry that they are going to forget what they want to say. A helpful way to alleviate this worry is for them to take notes, especially during a heated discussion or argument.
When to Seek Professional Support
It is always a good idea to begin seeking support from a clinician that specializes in ADHD, or that is neurodiverse affirming. This clinician can offer different strategies to help manage all of the symptoms that come along with ADHD. Especially anger, impulsivity, and emotion dysregulation. To find a neurodiverse affirming therapist, you can check out the links below or this online therapist directory that can support you in finding a therapist that offers telehealth services. Telehealth allows you to receive therapy from the comfort of your home while also expanding your loved one’s accessibility to quality care. If your partner or loved one is struggling with inattention, starting out with in person sessions could help limit distractions. Consider encouraging your loved one to seek out a psychiatrist to explore medication options if their ADHD is impacting their ability to function in areas like work or school, relationships, or impairing their ability to take care of themselves. This can also be something that is discussed with your therapist. There are plenty of online psychiatrist options that can offer more accessibility.
In My Experience
Additional Resources
To help our readers take the next step in their mental health journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy is compensated for marketing by the companies included below.
ADHD Management Tools
Inflow App Inflow is the #1 science-based app to help you manage your ADHD. Their support system helps you understand your neurodiverse brain, and build lifelong skills. Free Trial
Online Psychiatry
Circle Medical – ADHD Diagnosis and Treatment. Affordable and accessible ADHD evaluations and treatment, including possible controlled substances medication if clinically appropriate. Diagnosis and prescription over video. Insurance accepted. Same & next day appointments available. Visit Circle Medical
Online Therapy
BetterHelp Get support and guidance from a licensed therapist. BetterHelp has over 20,000 therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. Take A Free Online Assessment and get matched with the right therapist for you. Free Assessment
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For Further Reading
- Inflow ADHD App Review: Pros & Cons, Cost, & Who It’s Right For
- Best ADHD Podcasts
- Best ADHD Books
- https://chadd.org/
- https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Resource_Centers/ADHD_Resource_Center/Home.aspx
- https://www.additudemag.com/resources/
- ADHD & Us: A Couple’s Guide to Loving and Living With Adult ADHD by Anita Robertson
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