BPD & Lying: Why It Happens & How to Respond

What Is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a personality disorder marked by impulsivity and instability which negatively affect relationships.² The driving motivation of those with BPD is to avoid being abandoned by others.¹ Unfortunately, the extreme behaviors employed to maintain a relationship are frequently likely to drive someone away. The only thing predictable about BPD relationships is that the relationships will be unpredictable.

Symptoms of BPD include going to desperate efforts to avoid abandonment, whether it is a real threat or an imagined threat.¹ Their feelings for a partner may reflect adoration one day, but a perceived wrong move from their partner may transform the adoration into loathing in an instant. They often have difficulty controlling their anger and they are highly impulsive in ways that can be harmful physically or in other ways, such as overspending or overeating.

Is Lying a Symptom of BPD?

The DSM 5 does not include lying as a symptom of BPD, but other symptoms may encourage the use of lying as a tool to achieve specific aims. Pathological lying is described as lying excessively, persistently, pervasively, and often compulsively, even with no specific end goal in mind.³ However, in cases of BPD, lies are used when they are perceived to be effective in influencing another’s behavior and don’t reflect pathological lying. Individuals with BPD often believe their own lies.

BPD & Lying: What Is the Connection?

Lying is frequently used by individuals with BPD to address imbalanced relationships even though deceit is viewed as unacceptable social behavior.⁴ When experiencing fear related to the potential loss of relationships, romantic or platonic, they experience extreme levels of emotional dysregulation which lead to impulsivity. This can lead to deceit and lies that are used to avoid relationship loss.

Below are seven connections between BPD and lying:

1. Fears of Rejection

The fear of rejection is a normal fear experienced by virtually everyone. However, the fear is overwhelming for individuals with BPD, and they use lies to avoid rejection. They may lie to make themselves more exciting, they may lie about their health to keep a partner from leaving, or about their past to cover up prior poor choices. Lying may be a short-term fix, but when the lies are revealed the relationship may quickly end.

2. Unstable Self-Identity

Individuals with BPD do not hold a clear view of themselves, and their self-identity may shift and change depending on who they are with and their current circumstances. The lack of conviction related to who they are and how they want to be known can lead to dishonesty as they shore up their identity to match what they think others want to see.

3. Shame

Shame is an extremely common emotion in people with BPD.⁵ It is experienced when a person has failed to meet social standards or standards one sets for oneself. When experienced, people withdraw from others to keep them from seeing their inferiority. The tension between fearing abandonment and feelings of shame may lead a person to lie and deny engaging in the behavior that led to shame.

4. Avoidance

Lying and deceit are avoidance measures used to help people with BPD to avoid revealing themselves to others. Lies also help them avoid taking responsibility for their impulsive behavior, their anger outbursts, or other behaviors that could lead others to reject them. They may also use lies to avoid having to face difficult conversations that would require honest self-appraisal or authentic communication.

5. Emotional Dysregulation

Emotional dysregulation upends the equilibrium of Individuals with BPD and this can lead to impulsive lies and deceit. Individuals with BPD often hear only what they want to hear and fixate on negative interpretations of others’ words or actions. To manage their relationships, they may tell lies to “undo” the negative perceptions they often falsely assume a person has of them.

6. Attention-Seeking

Individuals with BPD may use lies as a glue to hold others’ attention on them. They may lie about accomplishments they’ve had or lie about challenges they are facing. The goal of either extreme is to keep the focus of others on them. Early in relationships, they lie to get a person hooked and when relationships are beginning to fray, they may use deceit as a means of making others feel too guilty to leave them.

7. Impulsivity

Impulsivity is the hallmark trait of BPD and this trait can lead to bold exaggerations and outright lies. If a person with BPD feels threatened or experiences fear about possible abandonment, they may quickly blurt out a lie to either save face or prevent someone from rejecting them. Impulsivity can lead to false denials or over optimistic promises.  

Examples of Lying in BPD

Individuals with BPD can creatively spin facts or manufacture falsehoods depending on the situation. A person with BPD may use a variety of different types of lies. They may deny the truth or just omit important facts. They make up stories out of thin air. Or, they may minimize or exaggerate the facts depending on what makes them look better.

Examples of lies a person with BPD may make include:

• Lying about a promotion at work that they did not receive
• Creating a fake story about why they’re late to an event
• Pretending not to care when someone has hurt their feelings
• Claiming to have ended a relationship with a partner when it was the partner who actually ended the relationship with them
• Saying that they don’t care about something when they care deeply
• Complaining that someone never reached out when they were really ignoring the calls or texts
• Throwing accusations at a partner that they know are false in order to punish or harass the partner
• Omitting the truth about purchases made or money spent
• Lying about where they went to school, what their knowledge level might be, or make up past job experiences that they never had
• Telling stories that make them look like the victim in a current or prior relationships
• Making up lies about others to make themselves look good

How BPD & Lying Impacts Relationships

Lying can be harmful to any relationship whether the lies are exaggerations about past achievements, romantic liaisons, or money.⁶ Lies between romantic partners can damage trust and lead to questions about fidelity. With platonic friends, trust can also be sabotaged if lies are used to evoke reactions or favors from another. All healthy, close relationships involve trust and vulnerability. However, when lies are used to manipulate another, trust crumbles and emotional guardrails are constructed for emotional protection.

Romantic Relationships

Often, individuals with BPD may not even realize that they are telling lies to their partner. If you are dating someone with BPD or considering a long-term relationship with them, it’s important to recognize the fear of rejection and level of impulsivity they bring to the relationship. It’s important to learn as much as you can about the disorder, too.

When their fear of rejection is triggered, people with BPD may say anything to avoid rejection. While their obsession with a partner may be exciting early in a relationship, the desperation to cling to a partner can be suffocating later on. If you suspect a partner is lying, do some digging to determine the truth of their claims and then look behind the lie to understand the reasons for it.

Platonic Relationship

Key factors in healthy friendships and professional relationships are honesty and trust. Unfortunately, someone with BPD may have difficulty being honest consistently. When a friend or employee lies, feelings of betrayal can erupt. In work relationships, lying can jeopardize employment if it is significant enough. Work relationships can be damaged if credit is taken for another’s work or if deadlines are consistently missed.

It can be difficult to maintain friendships with someone who has BPD due to the unpredictability and impulsivity that accompany the disorder. Lies may be used to get out of obligations, to attract sympathy, to gain praise, or to avoid rejection. Learning about BPD is helpful for friends so that they can understand the underlying needs that lying is used to satisfy.

Familial Relationships

While there is no single cause of BPD, genetics and early childhood environmental factors likely play a role. Unfortunately, the lying associated with BPD negatively affects adult family relationships magnifying the dysfunctional family-of-origin dynamics that already existed. The lies told by mothers with BPD can cause psychological distress to their children and lead to attachment issues. Children are unable to trust their mothers and may have trust issues in adulthood.

How to Respond to Lying in BPD

Learning to manage relationships and help someone with BPD who turns to lies as a defense mechanism takes commitment. When you first detect a lie, your initial reaction might be to call them out for the lie. It’s important, though, to go deeper and explore the “why” behind the lie, not the “what” of the lie. Empathy, patience, and support are needed.

Here are ways to respond to lying in BPD:

Listen to Their Experience

When you notice a lie, take a moment to invite the individual to share more about their experiences and what their feelings are at the moment. Active listening keeps the focus on the speaker and this lets them know that their concerns matter and that you want to hear more about what is happening for them. You can also “reality test” their lies and help them see how their lies may be getting in the way of connection.

Encourage Self-Awareness

Individuals with BPD may lie due to their emotional dysregulation and inability to tease out the truth from their fears. By helping the person with BPD to gain self-awareness of their lies and the damage they are doing, they may be motivated to find more effective ways of communicating their fears. When a loved one models self-awareness and supports the person with BPD in gaining mastery of emotional regulation, the relationship grows deeper.

Encourage Therapy

Like many personality disorders, individuals with BPD may not recognize that they have a disorder or acknowledge the damage the disorder can do to relationships. Encourage therapy as a way for the person with BPD to gain greater self-awareness, as well as learn how to build healthy connections. Be willing to offer support if therapy opens up deep wounds or brings unexpectedly harsh truths to light for the person.

Intentionally Focus on Trust-Building

Trust is the foundation of healthy relationships, but when one person constantly lies or seems unable to engage in honest communication, relationships can unravel quickly. Help the person with BPD recognize your investment in the relationship and your need for mutual trust. Encourage open and honest sharing and acknowledge and affirm their efforts at honesty and openness.

Raise Your Own Self-Awareness

While individuals with BPD can be impulsive and swing between strong emotions, it can be helpful for their partner, friend, or family member to look for behavior patterns. If some of the triggers for the lies can be determined, partners and friends can be more prepared to handle the lies and to prevent the lies, in some cases.

Model Healthy Relationship Behaviors

Often individuals with BPD grow up in homes with compromised functioning. Parents were likely unavailable to their child and may have suffered from mental disorders, as well. Without healthy role models, children often learn unhealthy behaviors, including lying, which leads to failed adult relationships. By practicing healthy relationship engagement and healthy communication skills, you are providing a model for that person.

Maintain Your Own Emotional Equilibrium

When lied to, people often respond with anger. Remind yourself that lies come from a place of fear and insecurity in someone with BPD. If you meet their fear with anger, the situation may intensify with high emotions and the potential for physical aggression. Keep calm and encourage the other person to help you understand what they are feeling. Validate their feelings and provide factual information to reassure them.

How to Cope With BPD & Lying

If you have BPD, you may not realize when you are lying or see the connection between your lies and relationship dysfunction. It’s important to educate yourself about your disorder and to be honest about the disorder with those who care about you. By uncovering the triggers that lead you to lie, you can gain a sense of control as you interrupt the pattern.

Below are ways to cope with lying in BPD:

• Identify your triggers: Fears of rejection and abandonment are often triggers for lying and by recognizing and communicating what drives your fears, you can interrupt your behavior pattern.
• Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness is a practice that helps slow down your thoughts and gain a sense of calm. When you are able to reach a state of calm, you can take a clearer perspective on situations.
• Engage in self-soothing activities: Explore meditation practices such as yoga, guided meditations, prayer, or tai chi to help you calm yourself when a storm is brewing.
• Journal about your feelings: When your emotions feel overwhelming, it is important to get clarity before expressing inappropriate messages or lying. Writing down your beliefs and journaling your thoughts may allow you to see if they are based on fact. You can use a notebook and pen or a journaling app.
• Maintain healthy habits that help you stay optimally healthy: When people are hungry, overtired, or rundown, it is hard to manage emotional exchanges or distress; by keeping your body healthy, you’re in a better place to manage interactions with others.
• Engage in expressive art activities: There are times your feelings may be overwhelming and you don’t have words to describe them; engage in expressive arts such as painting, drawing, sculpting, or writing as a way to express the feelings words cannot capture.
• Reach out to a trusted person, friend or therapist, when abandonment fears are triggered: By finding a safe and supportive ally, they can validate your worth and help you face down your fears. By “reality testing” your fears with a trusted person, the need to use lies to justify your value may diminish.

When to Seek Professional Help

When BPD symptoms and behaviors are harming important relationships, it is important to seek support. Treatment for BPD can target the dishonesty that leads to lying and help clients learn skills to minimize this behavior.

Effective treatments for BPD include:

• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): CBT for borderline personality disorder teaches people to reframe thoughts to help better manage symptoms.
• Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT): DBT for borderline personality disorder provides skill-building sessions for mindfulness, distress tolerance, interpersonal effectiveness, and emotional regulation.
• BPD Support Groups: Online resources include BPD support groups, online DBT classes, and communities.

To find the right therapist, ask for referrals from family, friends, your physician, or online therapy websites.