Borderline Personality Disorder & Relationships

What Is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?

Borderline personality disorder is a chronic mental health disorder that primarily affects how individuals act in relationships. When a person has BPD, they experience instability in their personal relationships, intense/unpredictable emotions, impulsivity, and unstable/poor self-image.^{2, 3}

BPD & Relationships

Loving someone with BPD may at times feel rocky, unpredictable, and difficult. It’s also important to understand borderline personality disorder relationship cycles. There may be cycles of adoration in which they make you their BPD favorite person, followed by frustration or drastic actions in an attempt to prevent the relationship from ending.

A person with BPD struggles to effectively navigate the uncertainty that occurs in relationships. It is important to recognize the signs and symptoms of BPD to manage any relationship difficulties that develop, as well as to help you remain empathetic and supportive. Additionally, recognizing that an individual has BPD may open the door for the person to receive the necessary treatment.

How Does BPD Affect Romantic Relationships?

BPD relationships tend to be unstable, and researchers have found that relationships with one or two BPD partners are characterized by higher conflict and more negativity.⁴ Specific concerns may include fears of abandonment, black-and-white thinking, mood swings, suicidality, and sensitivity.

Here are nine ways that borderline personality disorder can affect a relationship:

1. Fears of Abandonment

A person with BPD may exhibit abandonment issues, whether the fear is grounded in reality or not. This may cause the individual to take drastic actions, such as threatening self-harm or suicide to prevent the partner from leaving. The fear and concern the person is experiencing may not be based on reality, which can be confusing to the partner.

2. Unrealistic Expectations

You may have difficulty relating to your BPD partner partly because their perception of events will more than likely look a lot different than yours. In turn, they may hold faulty assumptions about how the relationship and a partner “should” be, which can surface when unreasonable demands and expectations are placed on the partner. Consequently, this can leave a person feeling frustrated, emotionally drained, and like no matter what they do it’s never enough.³

3. Black-and-White Thinking

A key symptom of BPD is BPD splitting or seeing things solely in black-and-white. For example, individuals with BPD may see their partner as all good or all bad. This can lead them to alternate between extreme adoration and hatred within the relationship. For the partner, this can be disconcerting, confusing, and frustrating. The switch from one perception to another may be quick and unexpected, contributing to a greater sense of distrust and instability in the relationship.

4. Mood Instability

Individuals with BPD are likely to have mood instability, including frequent cycles of both highs and lows.⁴ For a partner, this may create an unpredictable atmosphere, especially when it is hard to understand why the mood changes so quickly. Mood changes may be based on things that seem imperceptible to the partner of the person with BPD.

5. Heightened Suicidality & Self-Harm

Many individuals with BPD experience chronic urges to engage in self-harm with or without suicidal ideation. This can be scary and stressful for one’s partner. It’s important to remember that you cannot control the person with BPD and you are not responsible for their actions. If your partner threatens suicide, immediately seek professional assistance. It may be helpful for you to seek your own support, too.

6. Sex & Intimacy

A review of current research on the link between BPD and sexual behaviors found that individuals with BPD may take part in riskier, more impulsive sexual behaviors (for example, not using condoms) or have higher rates of sexual victimization.⁵ Past experiences of sexual victimization are often traumatic, which may cause reactivity to sexual experiences. If a partner has experienced sexual assault or other victimization, continue to encourage them to seek professional support.

7. High Levels of Sensitivity

People with BPD may have high levels of sensitivity to the emotions of those around them. This hypersensitivity may make them highly attuned to a partner’s emotions, even when the partner is directly or openly communicating with them. The partner may need to continue to work on their communication skills to effectively handle constant questions and concerns about their feelings.

8. No Such Thing as a “Little” Argument

A simple argument will hardly ever feel small or inconsequential to your BPD partner. Conflict can trigger their fear of abandonment and rejection, causing the BPD person to have an emotional meltdown. They may lash out, blow up in a fit of rage, or even engage in self-harm.³

Keep in mind that this will likely recur, so being emotionally understanding of a partner’s BPD can help. Additionally, setting fair fighting rules can assist both partners in keeping these discussions civilized and hopefully productive. While it’s important to support a BPD partner and try to improve the relationship, remember that any unhealthy and abusive type of communication is unacceptable.³

9. Ineffective Ways of Meeting Needs

An additional way that BPD relationships may differ from others is that the partner with BPD may be perceived as manipulative, as they may use ineffective ways to meet their needs. For example, if they feel that they’re not getting the attention and care they need, they may act out or even threaten to end the relationship as a form of emotional manipulation. For the other partner in the relationship, this can be tremendously frustrating. Working with the partner and their therapist to identify and communicate their needs in effective ways that support the partnership is helpful.

Why Understanding BPD Is Important For Partners

As a partner, understanding BPD allows you to provide support, recognize the symptoms, and not take responsibility for your significant other’s actions. Knowledge of the causes and symptoms will also help you maintain empathy during difficult moments. Remind yourself that your partner’s behavior is related to a mental health disorder. Many books on this topic may provide you with additional information, too.

Starting a Relationship

In the early stages, there are things to know about dating someone with borderline personality disorder. They may idolize and adore their new partner, which is often part of the black-and-white thinking associated with BPD. This initial period of the relationship may be exciting and pleasurable. The partner’s strong experience of moods may also be exciting and enlivening. Over time, however, this may become more challenging to manage.

Do BPD Relationships Last?

The symptoms of BPD can make maintaining romantic relationships tough. When a person with BPD enters treatment and has recovered, they’re more likely to marry than their unrecovered counterparts.⁶ When symptoms are more severe, the occurrence of marital distress is often increased.⁴ These findings highlight the importance of quality treatment for individuals with BPD to reduce relationship distress. While it is possible to have a long and successful relationship with BPD, the best outcomes will be associated with partners who seek long-term and effective treatment.

Tips For Loving Someone With BPD

Being in a relationship with someone with BPD can certainly be difficult due to the symptoms of mood instability, poor self-image, self-harming behaviors or urges, and fears of abandonment. They are struggling and may have behaviors that make the relationship arduous.

Here are tips to navigate a romantic relationship with someone with BPD:

Communicate Openly

The impacts of a lack of communication in relationships include significant stress. Practice communicating how you feel, your needs, and what you’ll tolerate. These clear expectations will help someone with BPD manage their uncertainty and potential fear. Strong communication is the foundation for any healthy relationship and may ease day-to-day complications within the partnership.

Learn More About BPD

The more you know about your partner’s BPD symptoms and the unique ways they present, the easier it will be for you to understand and empathize with your partner. Being able to recognize BPD patterns will help you understand your partner beyond their diagnosis.

Set Boundaries

When dealing with BPD, it’s important to know how to set healthy boundaries in a relationship. An example would be instilling “emotional boundaries,” which means not allowing the other person’s moods and actions to overly influence your mood. At times, you may need to allow your partner to experience their intense moods without taking these personally. Working on emotional boundaries takes time and may require professional help.

Additionally, set boundaries around what you are willing to tolerate. Consider if there are certain actions that the other may take that are deal breakers, such as physical violence. Communicate these boundaries clearly and hold fast to them.

Support Your Partner’s Treatment Plan

Seeking professional mental health treatment is key to BPD management and recovery. It is important to support your partner throughout this process and continue to encourage them to engage for as long as necessary. When they are ready, encourage them to find a therapist skilled in treating borderline personality disorder.

In some scenarios, it may be helpful to communicate with your partner’s therapist. If you think this may be useful, talk to your partner to assess if they are comfortable with this, and then consult with the therapist to determine if this is a part of their treatment plan.

 Seek Your Own Therapist

The best way to love someone is to do so from a place of grounding and self-confidence. Working on yourself and getting support from a therapist when you run into issues with your partner can be paramount to maintaining a loving and supportive relationship.

When BPD Relationships End

There may come a time when you choose to end the relationship. It is OK to put your own needs first and encourage your significant other to pursue greater healing. Remember that you are not solely responsible for your partner’s well-being.

Your partner may deeply struggle with the end of the relationship, and it may trigger suicidal ideation or self-harm urges/actions. Continue to encourage your partner to seek professional help, using crisis resources when needed.

When & How Therapy or Couples Counseling Can Help

You may benefit from therapy to assist you in coping with stress or worry related to your partner’s mental health concerns. Consider choosing a therapist who specializes in BPD or relationship issues.

Couples therapy may be an additional option. To assess this, consult with your partner’s therapist and, if applicable, your therapist to determine if finding a couples counselor is recommended for your situation. If you’ve decided that it’s time to seek help from a therapist, start your search in an online therapist directory. Doing this allows you to narrow your search by location, cost, and expertise.

Types of Therapy For BPD

There are many options for BPD treatments. Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is the gold standard.⁷ Besides DBT, therapists may recommend a variety of other treatments, including but not limited to cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), schema-focused therapy, or mentalization-based therapy (MBT).⁷

Final Thoughts

A romantic relationship with a BPD partner can be difficult. Encourage your partner to seek treatment, and work with them and their therapist to determine the best ways to support them. For long-term success, maintain your boundaries and care for your mental health.