Dating someone with borderline personality disorder can be challenging. Your partner may have major difficulties with strong emotions, drastic mood swings, chronic fear of abandonment, and impulsive behaviors which can strain your relationship with chaos and instability. Nonetheless, understanding BPD, learning ways to cope, and seeking support including therapy can help to shape your relationship in meaningful ways.
Why Can Dating Someone With BPD be Difficult?
Dating someone with borderline personality disorder can bring a unique set of stressors making typical relational issues feel more tumultuous. People living with BPD usually have a long history of unhealthy traits, emotional instability, and patterns of conflictive interpersonal relationships – you might be their favorite person for awhile, but then they may drop you when they fear you’ll abandon them.
When a person has BPD, they often feel emotions more intensely, are easily triggered, have abandonment issues, a frail sense of self, and react impulsively and unpredictably. These mental health issues can take a toll on you, your partner, and the relationship.1,2,3,4
Being in a romantic relationship with someone with BPD may often feel like you’re walking on eggshells- not knowing what to say or do because anything could potentially set your partner off. Even when things are going well, you are left to wonder, “when is the next shoe going to drop?”
Subsequently, feelings of guilt, self-blame, and shame could surface because you may feel responsible for your partner’s drastic mood swings and erratic behaviors. These emotions are certainly reasonable when you are in a BPD relationship. Fortunately, there are steps you can take to better manage your emotions and reactions as well as improve how you relate with your loved one while building a fulfilling relationship.2,5
Here are 9 things to know when dating someone with BPD and ways to bring harmony to your relationship:
1.Your Partner May Have Comorbidities
You may notice a series of disturbing behaviors in your BPD partner that are causing friction in the relationship. These behaviors may include extreme mood swings, angry outbursts, impulsive/self-destructive patterns like overspending, reckless driving, abusing drugs or alcohol, binge eating, self-harming/suicidal tendencies and so forth. You may feel confused and wonder if your partner is suffering from another psychiatric condition like bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, or substance use issues, among others.
It is worth mentioning that mental health comorbidities and overlapping symptoms are highly common for many individuals diagnosed with BPD. Furthermore, individuals with BPD are more prone to engage in self-damaging behaviors as a way of coping and alleviating their strong emotions and chronic feelings of emptiness. Thus, you may struggle with deciphering and approaching your companion’s BPD.1,4,6
2. It’s Important to Understand BPD
Learning as much as you can about BPD is vital when dating someone with this condition. Recognizing the signs and symptoms of BPD associated with the type of BPD your partner has can make a major difference in how you interact with your partner. Accessing literature and information related to BPD and ways to support your loved one is a great place to start.
Educating yourself on BPD can also reassure you that your partner’s maladaptive reactions are rarely intentional but rather a result of their mental illness and long-standing emotional pain. Having a better understanding about BPD can shape you into a more compassionate companion and help you respond in ways that can shield your relationship from future turmoil.2
“People with BPD usually have quick and intense emotional responses. It is helpful if partners understand that this is not an attempt to “manipulate” or be dramatic. It is a biological response coupled with a lack of learning about how to regulate emotion. In many ways, the emotions of people with BPD are what draw others into relationships with them. Their emotional sensitivity makes them people who are passionate, compassion, create and perceptive due to their emotionality. On the other hand, partners can sometimes be confused about where emotion came from and why it was so strong.” – Shari Manning, Ph.D., Co-Founder and Chief Executive Officer of Treatment Implementation Collaborative
3. Your Partner’s Perception of the Relationship May Differ From Yours
BPD relationships tend to be conflict-prone and unstable partly because the BPD partner typically has specific errors in how they perceive events. When you are dating someone with BPD, it is key to understand that your partner’s views and expectations of the relationship will likely differ from yours. In turn, this can significantly affect how he/she relates to you and handles the relationship.
Some common assumptions a BPD partner may have about you include:
- You are their soul mate and perfect match
- You are the only one who can rescue them from their emotional turmoil
- You will reject them or abandon them once you get closer
- Your intentions will be questioned and not trusted
- One moment you can be the best partner and then the next you can be the worst
- You are the sole cause for the problems in the relationship
Having knowledge of these views and expectations can mentally/emotionally prepare you to interact more effectively with your partner.2
4. Make Sure You Understand BPD Cycles
BPD relationships can be difficult to manage specially when a dysfunctional pattern called a BPD cycle surfaces. Usually beginning with idealization or the “honeymoon phase,” where the BPD partner has you on a pedestal and believes you will never do anything wrong. This period can last a few days or go on for months. However, it will usually and inevitably be followed by devaluation or the loss of respect and admiration.
During this phase, your BPD partner may likely withdraw or walk away with an intent to end the relationship. This vicious cycle can repeat itself over and over throughout the relationship leaving both parties emotionally exhausted. This can make you feel confused and create an atmosphere of distrust and doubts about the future and stability of your relationship. It is possible to cope with these cycles if you and your partner jointly invest the efforts necessary to foster a stronger and more secure bond.2
5. It’s Important to Preserve Your Wellbeing
When you are dating someone with BPD, being overly consumed with your partner’s needs may be unavoidable. In turn, your own well-being can be negatively affected resulting in increased feelings of anger and resentment, emotional exhaustion, poor overall health.
Examine how this relationship is impacting your life and how you are coping- Do you find yourself isolating, neglecting your basic mental/physical needs, abusing drugs/alcohol and/or engaging in other destructive behaviors?
If so, try to restore a healthy balance by participating in positive and enjoyable activities outside of your relationship. Managing your stress effectively, taking care of your health, cultivating meaningful friendships, connecting with family members, seeking individual therapy are good ways to start. Safeguarding your wellbeing is not only beneficial to you, but also to your relationship as well.2
6. Make Sure You Set Limits
Establishing healthy boundaries is crucial in a BPD relationship. These boundaries are not meant to control or transform your partner. But rather is a way to protect your emotional and mental wellbeing, while also considering and respecting theirs. Setting healthy boundaries can be difficult to establish and sustain, nevertheless, these can promote stability in the relationship and help you develop adaptive responses when you are faced with undesirable behaviors.
Additionally, boundaries in a relationship can help determine what is acceptable and what is not. Bear in mind that this is a gradual process requiring patience and commitment. However, you’ll find that honoring boundaries will help you both feel more secure in the relationship and promote a deeper sense of trust, intimacy, and respect toward each other.2
7. Communication Is Crucial in a BPD Relationship
Effective communication is an important aspect of any relationship but more so if you are dating someone with BPD. BPD symptoms are often linked to deficiencies in problem-solving and communication abilities which can then lead to unsatisfying relationships.7
People with BPD tend to distort the messages they receive and those they attempt to convey. Many times, this can lead to misunderstandings that can turn into verbally aggressive and emotionally charged conversations. Actively listening to and validating your loved one’s feelings can help in soothing him/her when emotions begin to rise.
Acknowledging how your BPD companion processes your messages and adjusting your communication style can prevent unnecessary conflicts and build a stronger, closer relationship.2
8. Learn to Detach With Love
In some instances, detaching with love (an Al-Anon concept) from your BPD partner may be the healthy thing to do. This does not imply that you are judging your partner; but rather, distancing yourself from any negative consequences created by them. Detaching with love creates the space that is necessary for you to look at things objectively and make wise decisions.
Furthermore, this act may feel liberating as you release build-up feelings of guilt and self-blame that may have developed from your loved one’s damaging reactions. In separating yourself in a caring manner, you may come to realize that you are only responsible for your actions and behaviors and not for your partner’s. If you feel at odds with this notion, memorizing “The 3 C’s” concept can help: I didn’t cause it, I can’t cure it, and I can’t control it.2
9. You’ll Need to Be Supportive
Supporting someone with BPD can be challenging and frustrating because you may not know how to assist or where to begin. You can start by providing moral support and sympathizing with them from an emotional standpoint. BPD individuals who have a supportive partner and stability at home tend to improve sooner than those whose relationships are more chaotic. Research shows that a BPD person’s support system plays a crucial role in how well they are able to recover.6
Focus on reinforcing your partner’s positive behaviors and acknowledging their strengths to build a happier and satisfying relationship. Similarly, offering patience and compassion toward your BPD partner’s struggles and encouraging them to seek help and maintain a healthy sense of self can lessen their internal turmoil. Keep in mind that your BPD partner has the potential to learn new skills that will help them regulate their emotions and react more constructively.2
Manning encourages, “In my experience, people with BPD do not do well in relationships with those who are emotionally insensitive, but can thrive in relationships with people who are willing to experience and talk about their emotions. What I have seen, and this is probably true for all of us, is that people with BPD are often more regulated when in relationship with someone who is validating, warm, and stable.”
Will the Relationship Last?
Can a BPD relationship last? Yes! However, these relationships are usually troubled and rocky particularly when the BPD partner has chronic symptoms. It appears though that in such cases the quality of the relationship is more dependent on the personality of the non- BPD companion.7 Nevertheless, the determining factor that significantly impacts the relationship’s durability is the BPD partner’s disposition to admit he/she has issues and willingness to seek help.
Other factors like adequate treatment accompanied with a supportive partner yield favorable outcomes for BPD individuals and ability to sustain quality relationships.2 Lastly, it has been found that BPD individuals who reached a degree of emotional stability and decrease in symptoms had higher chances of sustaining satisfying relationships, getting married, and were less likely to part ways as compared to the non-recovered BPD counterparts.8
Although some BPD relationships can last, you may realize that yours won’t. It might be because it is detrimental to your wellbeing or simply is not the type of relationship you want to be in. You could also come across more serious issues like your partner refusing to seek help and continuing to engage in repetitive destructive and violent behaviors. At this point, it is critical that you reassess the relationship and walk away in order to protect your safety.2
When a Therapist or Couples Counselor Can Help
If your partner is struggling with symptoms of BPD or is displaying self-harming or suicidal behaviors, seeking clinical care is crucial. There are a number of effective treatment options for Borderline Personality Disorder which can help your partner can learn to better regulate their strong emotions, reduce impulsive reactions, address troubled areas in the relationship and more. The first-line treatment is psychotherapy with many individuals reporting the most improvement within a year.1,6
Additionally, BPD individuals who maintain a treatment regimen with a clinician experienced with personality disorders show even greater results and long-term benefits.9 However, what matters the most is that your loved one can find a therapist to whom he/she can connect with and trust.2,4,10
Caregivers & Partners May Benefit From Therapy
Just as important, seeking professional help for yourself can be extremely beneficial. Therapy can provide a safe place for you to freely express your own emotions related to your partner’s BPD, learn ways to cope with relationship stressors and develop the necessary skills to better understand and support your BPD partner.2,4 If you or your partner aren’t sure where to look for a suitable professional, Choosing Therapy’s therapist directory can be a good point of entry.
Couples Counseling in BPD Relationships
Even though there may not be sufficient data supporting the effectiveness of couples counseling with BPD relationships, many experts recognize the importance of family support for a loved one with this disorder. Thus, going to couples counseling may be a valuable addition to the standard BPD therapeutic plan.
Couples counseling can encourage you and your BPD partner to work together towards common relational goals and help to stabilize your relationship.2 While improvement in the relationship can be attained, it merits true dedication from both parties. If you and your partner are both motivated to embark on this journey, then going to couples counseling can be highly effective.
