Dating someone with borderline personality disorder can be challenging. Your partner may have major difficulties with strong emotions, drastic mood swings, chronic fear of abandonment, and impulsive behaviors that can strain your relationship with chaos and instability. Nonetheless, understanding BPD, learning ways to cope, and seeking support can help to shape your relationship in meaningful ways.
What Is BPD?
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is marked by emotional instability and difficulty in relationships. People with BPD have trouble regulating their moods, experience feelings of emptiness, and have trouble with impulsivity. Therapy can be effective for treating BPD, but it’s important to get a diagnosis and begin treatment as soon as possible, because a meaningful reduction of symptoms may take up to two years.
Common BPD symptoms include:
- Efforts to avoid the loss of significant relationships ranging from typical (i.e., begging a partner to stay) to inappropriate (i.e., threatening suicide when a relationship ends)
- Fear of abandonment
- Avoidance of rejection
- Rapid changes in self-identity or self-image
- Cyclical pattern of valuing and devaluing significant relationships to the point of frustration and anger from the other person
- Desire for intensity and attention in social relationships
- Impulsivity that can be self-destructive
- Heightened suicidality and self-harm behaviors
- Lack of self-understanding
- Lack of self-image
- Intense, frequent, and rapidly shifting emotions
- Emotionally unstable
- Anger outbursts and intense aggression
- Depersonalization or dissociation in response to abandonment
- Feelings of worthlessness and purposelessness
Why Can Dating Someone With BPD Be Difficult?
Dating someone with borderline personality disorder can bring a unique set of stressors, making typical relational issues feel more tumultuous. People living with BPD usually have a long history of unhealthy traits, emotional instability, and patterns of conflictive interpersonal relationships. You might be their favorite person for a while, but then they may drop you when they fear you’ll abandon them.
When a person has BPD, they often feel emotions more intensely, are easily triggered, have abandonment issues, a frail sense of self, and react impulsively and unpredictably. These mental health issues can take a toll on you, your partner, and the relationship.1, 2, 3, 4
The combination of borderline personality disorders and relationships may often make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells, not knowing what to say or do because anything could potentially set your partner off. Even when things are going well, you are left to wonder, “When is the next shoe going to drop?” or what to know when your BPD partner ends the relationship in a fit of rage.
Subsequently, feelings of guilt, self-blame, and shame could surface because you feel responsible for your partner’s drastic mood swings and erratic behaviors. These emotions are certainly reasonable when you are in a BPD relationship. Fortunately, there are steps you can take to better manage your emotions and reactions as well as improve how you relate with your loved one while building a fulfilling relationship.2, 5
12 Tips When Dating Someone With BPD
Here are twelve things to know when dating someone with BPD:
1. Know Your Partner May Have Comorbidities
You may notice a series of disturbing behaviors in your BPD partner that cause friction in the relationship. These behaviors may include extreme mood swings, borderline rage, and impulsive or self-destructive patterns like overspending, reckless driving, misusing drugs or alcohol, binge eating, and self-harming/suicidal tendencies. You may feel confused and wonder if your partner suffers from another psychiatric condition like bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, or substance use issues.
It is worth mentioning that mental health comorbidities and overlapping symptoms are highly common for many individuals diagnosed with BPD. Furthermore, people with BPD are more prone to engage in self-damaging behaviors as a way of coping and alleviating their strong emotions and chronic feelings of emptiness. Thus, you may struggle to decipher and approach your companion’s BPD.1, 4, 6
2. Learn About BPD
Learning as much as you can about BPD is vital when dating someone with this condition. Recognizing the signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder associated with the type of BPD your partner has can make a major difference in how you interact with your partner. Accessing literature and information related to BPD and ways to support your loved one is a great place to start.
Here are types of BPD:
- Discouraged or quiet BPD
- Impulsive borderline personality disorder
- Petulant borderline personality disorder
- Self-destructive BPD
Educating yourself on BPD can also reassure you that your partner’s maladaptive reactions are rarely intentional but rather a result of their mental illness and long-standing emotional pain. Having a better understanding about BPD can shape you into a more compassionate companion and help you respond in ways that can shield your relationship from future turmoil.2
“People with BPD usually have quick and intense emotional responses. It is helpful if partners understand that this is not an attempt to “manipulate” or be dramatic. It is a biological response coupled with a lack of learning about how to regulate emotion. In many ways, the emotions of people with BPD are what draw others into relationships with them. Their emotional sensitivity makes them people who are passionate, compassion, create and perceptive due to their emotionality. On the other hand, partners can sometimes be confused about where emotion came from and why it was so strong.” – Shari Manning, Ph.D., Co-Founder and Chief Executive Officer of Treatment Implementation Collaborative
3. Consider Your Partner’s Perception of the Relationship
BPD relationships tend to be conflict-prone and unstable, partly because the BPD partner typically has specific errors in how they perceive events. When you are dating someone with BPD, it is key to understand that your partner’s views and expectations of the relationship will likely differ from yours. In turn, this can significantly affect how they relate to you and handle the relationship.
Common assumptions a BPD partner may have about you include:
- You are their soul mate and perfect match
- You are the only one who can rescue them from their emotional turmoil
- You will reject them or abandon them once you get closer
- Your intentions will be questioned and not trusted
- One moment you can be the best partner and then the next you can be the worst
- You are the sole cause for the problems in the relationship
Having knowledge of these views and expectations can mentally and emotionally prepare you to interact more effectively with your partner.2
4. Make Sure You Understand BPD Cycles
BPD relationships can be difficult to manage, especially when a dysfunctional pattern called a BPD cycle surfaces. This usually begins with idealization or the “honeymoon phase,” where the BPD partner has you on a pedestal and believes you will never do anything wrong. This period can last a few days or go on for months. However, it will typically and inevitably be followed by devaluation, or loss of respect and admiration.
During the devaluation phase, your BPD partner may likely withdraw or walk away with an intent to end the relationship. This vicious cycle can repeat itself over and over throughout the relationship leaving both parties emotionally exhausted. This can make you feel confused and create an atmosphere of distrust and doubts about the future and stability of your relationship.
Understanding borderline personality disorder cycles makes it possible to cope if you and your partner jointly invest the efforts necessary to foster a stronger and more secure bond.2
5. Preserve Your Well-being
When you are dating someone with BPD, being overly consumed with your partner’s needs may be unavoidable. In turn, your own well-being can be negatively affected, resulting in increased feelings of anger and resentment, emotional exhaustion, and poor overall health.
Examine how this relationship is impacting your life and how you are coping—Do you find yourself isolating, neglecting your basic mental/physical needs, abusing drugs/alcohol, and/or engaging in other destructive behaviors? If so, try to restore a healthy balance by participating in positive and enjoyable activities outside of your relationship. Safeguarding your wellbeing is not only beneficial to you, but also to your relationship.2
Here are ways to preserve your well-being:
- Practice stress management
- Take care of your physical health
- Cultivate meaningful friendships
- Connect with family members
- Seek individual therapy
6. Set Limits & Boundaries
Establishing healthy boundaries is crucial in a BPD relationship. These boundaries are not meant to control or transform your partner, but serve as a way to protect your emotional and mental well-being while also considering and respecting theirs. Setting healthy boundaries can be difficult to establish and sustain, nevertheless, they promote stability and help you develop adaptive responses when faced with undesirable behaviors.
Additionally, knowing how to set healthy boundaries in a relationship can help determine what is acceptable and what is not. Keep in mind that this is a gradual process that requires patience and commitment. However, you’ll find that honoring boundaries will help you both feel more secure in the relationship and promote a deeper sense of trust, intimacy, and mutual respect.2
7. Communicate Effectively
Effective communication is an important aspect of any relationship, but even more so if you are dating someone with BPD. BPD symptoms are often linked to deficiencies in problem-solving and communication abilities, which can lead to unsatisfying relationships.7
People with BPD tend to distort the messages they receive and those they attempt to convey. Many times, this can lead to misunderstandings that can turn into verbally aggressive and emotionally-charged conversations, especially when there is a lack of communication in the relationship. Actively listening to and validating your loved one’s feelings can help in soothing them when emotions begin to rise.
Knowing the impacts of a lack of communication in a relationship, acknowledging how your BPD companion processes your messages, and adjusting your communication style can prevent unnecessary conflicts and build a stronger, closer relationship.2
8. Learn to Detach With Love
In some instances, detaching with love (an Al-Anon concept) from your BPD partner may be the healthy thing to do. This does not imply that you are judging your partner; but instead you are distancing yourself from any negative consequences created by them. Detaching with love creates the space that is necessary for you to look at things objectively and make wise decisions.
Furthermore, this act may feel liberating as you release built-up feelings of guilt and self-blame that may have developed from your loved one’s damaging reactions. In separating yourself in a caring manner, you may come to realize that you are only responsible for your actions and behaviors and not for your partner’s.
If you feel at odds with this notion, memorizing “The 3 C’s” concept can help: I didn’t cause it, I can’t cure it, and I can’t control it.2
9. Be Supportive
Knowing how to help someone with BPD can be challenging and frustrating. You can start by providing moral support and sympathizing with them from an emotional standpoint. People with BPD who have a supportive partner and stability at home tend to improve sooner than those whose relationships are more chaotic. Research shows that a BPD person’s support system plays a crucial role in how well they’re able to recover.6
Manning encourages, “In my experience, people with BPD do not do well in relationships with those who are emotionally insensitive, but can thrive in relationships with people who are willing to experience and talk about their emotions. What I have seen, and this is probably true for all of us, is that people with BPD are often more regulated when in a relationship with someone who is validating, warm, and stable.”
10. Offer Validation
Focus on reinforcing your partner’s positive behaviors and acknowledging their strengths. Similarly, offering patience and compassion toward your BPD partner’s struggles and encouraging them to seek help and maintain a healthy sense of self can lessen their internal turmoil. Keep in mind that your partner has the potential to learn new skills that will help them regulate their emotions and react more constructively.2
11. Encourage Accountability
BPD relationships can bring up friction so it’s important to bring up things in a mindful way that offers accountability. It can be hard for someone with BPD to recognize their impact but a soft start to encouraging accountability and support can go a long way.
12. Be Patient
It is very important to show patience when dating someone with BPD. Treatment takes time and may require a lifelong commitment to therapy, and that can take a toll on the relationship—but it’s not impossible to cope. It can be important to make sure you have your own support system as well and are able to show up for and care for yourself, too.
Will the Relationship Last?
Can a BPD relationship last? Yes! However, these relationships are usually troubled, particularly when the BPD partner has chronic symptoms. It appears, though, that in such cases, the quality of the relationship is more dependent on the personality of the non-BPD companion.7 Nevertheless, a determining factor is also the BPD partner’s disposition to admit that they have issues and their willingness to seek help.
Other factors like adequate treatment accompanied with a supportive partner yield favorable outcomes for BPD individuals and their ability to sustain quality relationships.2 Lastly, it has been found that BPD individuals who reach a degree of emotional stability and decrease in symptoms have higher chances of sustaining satisfying relationships and getting married. They were less likely to part ways as compared to the non-recovered BPD counterparts.8
Although some BPD relationships can last, yours might not. It might be because it’s detrimental to your well-being or simply not the type of relationship you want to be in. You could also come across more serious issues like your partner refusing to seek help and engaging in repetitive destructive, violent behaviors. At this point, it’s critical to reassess the relationship and walk away to protect your safety.2
When a Therapist or Couples Counselor Can Help
If your partner is struggling with BPD symptoms or displaying self-harming or suicidal behaviors, seeking professional clinical care is crucial. There are a number of effective borderline personality disorder treatments, such as dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) for borderline personality disorder or mentalization-based therapy (MBT), which can help your partner can learn to better regulate their strong emotions, reduce impulsive reactions, and address troubled areas in the relationship.
The first-line treatment for BPD is psychotherapy with many individuals reporting the most improvement within a year.1, 6
Can borderline personality disorder be cured? No. However, while there is no cure for BPD, those who maintain a treatment regimen with an experienced clinician show great results and long-term benefits.9 What matters the most is that your loved one can find a therapist they can connect with and trust.2, 4, 10
Couples Counseling In BPD Relationships
Even though there may not be sufficient data stating whether or not marriage counseling works with BPD relationships, many experts recognize the importance of family support for a loved one with this disorder. Thus, going to marriage and couples counseling may be a valuable addition to the standard BPD therapeutic plan.2
Caregivers & Partners May Also Benefit From Therapy
Just as important, seeking professional help for yourself can be extremely beneficial. Therapy can provide a safe place for you to freely express your own emotions related to your partner’s BPD, learn ways to cope with relationship stressors, and develop the necessary skills to better understand and support your BPD partner.2, 4
How to Find a Therapist
If you or your partner aren’t sure where to look for a suitable professional, an online therapist directory can be a good point of entry.
Final Thoughts on Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder
Dating someone with BPD doesn’t have to feel draining. If you are feeling like that, you are not alone and it isn’t a sign that you don’t love your partner. It takes time to learn how to communicate and be with people who are struggling but it’s possible to have a healthy and happy relationship. Taking time to learn about one another and supporting your loved one with BPD in therapy can go a long way. It can also be helpful to go to couples therapy together to help give structure when things get hard to navigate. No matter what, you are allowed to make sure you take time to care for yourself and spend time with your own support system.
Dating Someone With BPD Infographics
