While it can be difficult being in a relationship with someone with borderline personality disorder, there are a myriad of ways to offer support and help. These include learning communication skills, staying calm, building your own support system, learning more, and being an effective advocate.
What Is BPD?
Borderline personality disorder is a mental health disorder that commonly causes instability and conflict in interpersonal relationships. Additionally, common signs and symptoms of BPD include intense and unpredictable emotions, impulsivity, urges to harm oneself or die by suicide, and unstable self-image.1
Signs That Your Loved One Has BPD
BPD is a condition that can pose challenges not only for those who have it, but also for the people closest to them. Perhaps you feel a constant tension in your interaction with your friend, romantic partner, or your mom. You know something is off but can’t put your finger on it. BPD may not always be easy to spot, so recognizing the signs can shed some light into what may be at play and help you to effectively navigate the relationship.2
Here are some signs someone you love may have BPD:2
- They shift between extremes like labeling you as all “good” or all “bad” with no middle grown, also known as BPD splitting
- They exhibit extreme anger or have fits of borderline rage during an argument or if they think you’re unhappy and may leave them
- Your loved one is clingy and everything centers around their needs and wants causing you to feel emotionally exhausted
- Your loved one has unreasonable and unrealistic expectations from you and the relationship
- They have extreme meltdowns when things don’t go their way or rapid mood shifts from being calm one moment and then lashing sometimes for no apparent reason
- They are constantly seeking your reassurance and attention to the point where you feel manipulated or guilty if you don’t give in
20 Ways to Help Someone With BPD
Borderline personality disorder and relationships don’t always mix, but there are ways to maintain a healthy partnership, manage conflicts as they arise, and help your loved one. Keep in mind that BPD looks different in different people. Furthermore, individuals who are early in their recovery vs. years into recovery will need different types and levels of support.
Here are 20 ways to help someone with BPD:
1. Offer Ongoing Support
Living with a significant mental health condition can be difficult and exhausting for the person experiencing it. Offer support to your loved one through their struggle. You can ask them directly how they prefer support. For example, say “I hear that you are struggling; how can I help?”
2. Validate Their Emotions
Validation is key when it comes to BPD.3 Validation includes many practices, such as listening fully with empathy, sharing that you understand, and reflecting on what the person is saying.
If your loved one is sharing a difficulty with you, listen deeply and show them you are listening with your body language. Say to them, “That does sound difficult; I understand how that might be hard” or some other version of validation. Avoid the urge to fix, explain away, or give platitudes.
3. Learn More About BPD
In order to support your loved one, you can increase your own understanding of what BPD is and how it affects people. This will allow you to build empathy and have knowledge about what behaviors are common and what may be driving them. See our “Resources” section at the end of this article for ideas.
4. Communicate That You Want to Understand Their Experience
Be clear with your loved one that you want to understand their experience. This may include asking questions and showing a genuine and respectful curiosity. This helps your loved one to feel heard.
5. Support & Help Them Manage Their Treatment Plan
If your loved one is working with a mental health professional, support their treatment plan. This may include but is not limited to suggesting coping skills that you know are helpful, encouraging them to contact their therapist, or encouraging them to do any homework that is assigned by their therapist.
6. Stay Calm & Consistent
By staying calm and consistent, you can help support your loved one through moments of emotional instability. If both of you are experiencing unstable emotions, you have a greater likelihood of escalating the situation. You may need to learn your own calming skills in order to do this.
7. Find Ways to Decrease Your Own Reactivity
If both of you in the relationship are reactive, that will increase the likelihood of conflict. Reactivity refers to responding with a knee-jerk reaction vs. a thoughtful and mindful reaction. We all have areas where we tend to be activated and not respond as thoughtfully as we would like. If you can work on your areas of reactivity, that may reduce conflict.
8. Learn About Their Triggers
Understanding the things that trigger your loved one to have emotional responses may offer some support as well. For example, if you know that the person struggles with a fear of abandonment, you may be able to communicate more clearly if you need to step away at some point.
It is important to remember that you are not directly responsible for another person’s actions or emotions, and that you are just trying to lend awareness and support.
9. Help Break the Stigma Around BPD
Historically, BPD has been a stigmatized diagnosis.4 Healthcare providers may have shied away from or outright refused to treat people living with BPD, and people may internalize this stigma. Actively refute any stigma you encounter and try to educate others on the reality of BPD.
10. Be Trustworthy & Consistent
Being trustworthy and consistent can help your loved one build a positive and healthy relationship with you. Your loved one can better know what to expect, which creates a sense of stability and safety.
11. Remind Them of Their Positive Traits
Someone with BPD may struggle to form and maintain a positive self-image, especially as they struggle with the difficult aspects and stigma of BPD. You can support them by reminding them of their positive traits and expressing your positive feelings for them.
12. Offer Healthy Distractions
When you notice that your loved one seems to be experiencing uncomfortable and intense emotions, it may help to suggest healthy distractions. It can be anything that can shift their attention in a positive direction. You can encourage them to go for a walk outdoors, drink a soothing cup of tea, pet your dog, journal, do chores, etc. In a caring way, emphasize how their strong feelings will subside and that engaging in these activities can be beneficial in alleviating their distress in the meantime.5
13. Talk About Things Other Than BPD
While it may be tempting to frequently discuss BPD or mental health concerns, take the time to discuss other things. It is not helpful for anyone to build their identity around their mental health diagnosis, and creating space for other topics and interests can assist with this.
14. Set & Stick to Boundaries
For your own benefit and to maintain a healthy relationship, set and maintain appropriate boundaries. For example, you may need to set a boundary that name calling is not OK, or threatening self-harm or suicide is not acceptable. Be clear with your loved one about what those boundaries are and maintain them.
15. Learn About DBT Skills
The most common and effective BPD treatment is dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). Part of DBT is learning skills in the topics of mindfulness, emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness.6 If you can learn some of these skills, you can prompt your loved one to use them. Bonus: You will also learn helpful skills for your own life!
16. Don’t Take it Personally
There may be times where your loved one has a large reaction to something that you say or do that was well-intentioned. In these cases, remember to not personalize their behavior. This may be a time to acknowledge that the disorder might be calling the shots.
17. Don’t Isolate Yourself
When your loved one has BPD, becoming overly entangled within their needs and wants is often unavoidable. You may start to isolate socially and withdraw from other relationships in your life. As such, it’s important that you connect with friends and family who can lift your spirits and offer unconditional support. It’s just as crucial that you engage in enjoyable and enriching social activities outside of the BPD relationship. Having this support can help you feel cared for and less alone while also providing you with reality checks when necessary.2
18. Take Care of Your Physical & Mental Health
Just like in a flight emergency you must put the oxygen mask on yourself first before helping others, you must also prioritize your physical and mental health if you’re a source of support for your loved one with BPD. BPD relationships tend to be all consuming which can lead you to neglect your wellness. But you can prevent this by ensuring you maintain a healthy lifestyle that includes regular exercise, eating nutritiously, getting quality sleep, and managing your stress efficiently. When your wellbeing is balanced, you’re better equipped to deal with your own stressors as well as being there for the person living with BPD.2
19. Beware of “Walking on Eggshells”
Because issues in interpersonal relationships are one of the key symptoms of BPD, it can lead a person to feel like they are walking on eggshells when it comes to their loved one.1 This dynamic isn’t helpful to either party, as it does not encourage open communication or a balanced relationship. If you start to notice this dynamic, continue to work on open communication.
20. Familiarize Yourself With Mental Health Services
Since BPD is best treated with formal mental healthcare, familiarize yourself with the types of care, including outpatient therapy, intensive outpatient, or inpatient treatment. Keep a suicide hotline number on hand as well. This helps your loved one navigate a complicated system.
How to Set Boundaries With a BPD Loved One
Setting healthy boundaries is important for your own self-care to maintain a healthy and sustainable relationship with someone with BPD. Setting boundaries means being clear and communicative about what you can and cannot tolerate, and how you need to be treated. Setting boundaries does not have to be (and should not be) an unkind process, rather it is a process of communicating clearly.
Here are tips for setting boundaries:
- Be direct and kind: different cultures have varying levels of comfort with assertiveness. It can be useful to think of being direct vs. beating around the bush, while also bringing in basic kindness.
- Communicate clearly what types of behaviors are not acceptable: this active feedback will help the person with BPD to understand the nuances of your relationship
- Don’t compromise on your boundaries: it is important to stick to your boundaries, both for your own integrity and to help others understand the importance of your boundaries. If you adjust them over time, communicate this clearly as well.
- Don’t expect others to be comfortable with your boundaries all the time: setting boundaries is bound to bring up some discomfort; that does not mean you are doing it wrong. Setting boundaries is a skill that you will become more competent and comfortable with over time.
7 Communication Tips
Effective communication can help all relationships, but especially a BPD relationship. In general, listen deeply and with curiosity, and always take time to cool down before launching into any kind of argument.
Here are seven tips for healthy communication:
- Use “I” statements: rather than saying things like “You made me feel,” or “You always do,” use the general formula of “I feel X when X.” For example, “I feel frustrated and disregarded when we make plans and you arrive late.”
- Listen deeply and with curiosity: rather than thinking about what you are going to say next, listen with your full attention when your loved one is speaking
- Wait to cool down before launching into an argument: instead of discussing something while angry, take time to calm yourself so that you can navigate the conversation mindfully
- Don’t use name-calling: it is never effective to call someone names. Make a rule in your conflicts to steer clear from this.
- Don’t make character attacks: you can point out that someone’s behavior is selfish or unkind, but calling the person selfish or unkind is an attack on their character and personhood.
- Don’t use statements such as “always” or “never:” when we are angry, it can be too easy to make blanket statements. Keep the appropriate nuance to avoid escalating an argument.
Make Sure You’re Caring For Yourself, Too
In general, when a loved one deals with significant mental illness, it can be scary, not to mention emotionally and physically draining. Take time to practice emotional self-care. Focus on the basics: get enough sleep, get some movement/exercise that you enjoy, eat nutritious food, and drink enough water.
Know When to Protect Yourself & Step Away
There may come a time where you need to protect yourself and create distance in the relationship, or even end it. This is something that you will need to determine for yourself, but specific concerns to take seriously include violence, continual boundary crossings, or any type of abuse. Again, having a therapist to discuss how to care for yourself will be helpful.
What if My Loved One Doesn’t Want Help?
It can be tremendously painful to watch a loved one struggle with mental health, especially if they’re not willing to get help. However, everyone comes to change in their own time, and forcing it on them can often create more resistance. Acknowledge your loved one’s reluctance to seek help and continue to offer assistance over time.
The exception is if your loved one is experiencing suicidality or urges to self-harm. In this case, seek medical assistance.
What Should I Do In an Emergency or Crisis?
Persistent suicidal ideation or urges to self-harm are common symptoms in BPD.1 In this situation, it is best to either call a suicide or mental health hotline or bring the person to a local emergency department. In the United States, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-8255.
It may be helpful to discuss this potential scenario with the person with BPD so they can be a part of designing a safety plan. This will allow them to have buy-in for any steps that you may take if they are having suicidal thoughts or actions.
How Do I Respond to Someone Who Is Suicidal?
First and foremost, if a person is actively suicidal, meaning they have a plan and they are ready to take action, seek medical attention. Beyond that, if someone comes to you and is feeling like they want to die by suicide, there are some ways that you can respond that will be most helpful.
Talking about suicide with the person will not increase their desire to die by suicide – This is a myth.7 Validate the person’s pain; for example, you could say “I hear you that you’re really hurting right now,” or “this pain must seem unbearable.” Just providing some space to listen is a gift.
Next, assist the person in identifying some coping skills to use. For example, they may know that distraction helps them cope with urges. Ask them what they think might help. If their therapist has a 24-hour skills coaching line, the person can also utilize that.
How to Find a Therapist
There are many ways to find a qualified therapist who can offer a safety net to process your emotions related to what’s happening within the BPD dynamic and help you build additional self-care skills. You can begin this process by browsing through an online therapist directory which allows you to narrow things down by cost, location and specialty.
Final Thoughts on How to Help Someone With BPD
While offering support to someone with BPD may be challenging, having the right tools and strategies can make a huge difference. Learning about BPD, validating their emotions, taking care of your own mental health, encouraging them to use self-help tools and to seek therapy can be healthy ways that can help you help them. In the long run this can enhance your relationship and interactions while also ensuring you maintain your mental health.
For Further Reading
- Books on BPD
- National Alliance on Mental Illness
- Borderliner Notes: A YouTube channel about BPD
- National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder – Resources List – includes resources for families and self-help
- I Hate You — Don’t Leave Me – Understanding the Borderline Personality
- Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
How to Help Someone With BPD Infographics
