Signs of a Borderline Mother & How to Heal

Understanding the Borderline Mother

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition characterized by intense emotional instability, impulsivity, and a distorted self-image, which profoundly impacts relationships.¹ A mother with BPD may exhibit unpredictable behavior and impulsivity,(e.g., impulsive borderline personality disorder) swinging between idealization and devaluation of her loved ones, driven by deep fears of abandonment and chronic emotional turmoil.²

Understanding these behaviors as signs and symptoms of BPD can help in navigating the complexities of such a relationship with compassion and awareness.

Signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder include:

• Unstable relationships and self-image
• Suicidal ideation
• Self-harming
• Chronic sense of emptiness
• Difficulty controlling anger

12 Signs of a Borderline Mother

The effects of being raised by borderline parents can be negative. A BPD mother’s symptoms will affect how she interacts with her children. Mothers with BPD can seem unloving, withholding, and negative.³  Their behavior may be unpredictable and their children may feel like they have to “walk on eggshells” to prevent their mothers from having mood swings.

Twelve signs of mothers with borderline personality disorder include:^3,4

1. Puts Her Own Needs First

A mother with BPD will often put her own needs before her child(ren) and family in order to stave off increased dysregulation. At times, there may be selfishness in these acts. However, it is also important to remember that mothers with BPD are often impulsive; struggling to adequately interpret the needs of others, even their children.

2. General Neglect

A mother with BPD, especially those with a more severe presentation of BPD, may be neglectful of their child(ren)’s basic needs. Childhood neglect is often emotional, where the mother is cold and distant. It may even go as far as maltreatment in the form of verbal abuse, inadequate supervision of their child(ren), and psychological turmoil.⁵

3. Overall Negative Attitude

A borderline mother will often have a negative attitude, even in the midst of generally happy events for their child(ren) and family, such as weddings, graduations, and birthdays. They may seem withdrawn during activities and even uninterested.⁴ This can pose great stress on child(ren) and alter their own attitude in the process.

4. Tries to Control Her Child

It has been found that some mothers with BPD will have a strong desire to have a baby due to her chronic feelings of emptiness. This can cause increased efforts to contro their child(ren) due to the complexities of enmeshment, fears of abandonment, and even a level of co-dependence.⁶ Borderline mothers may be overbearing mothers, and control will often be symptomatic and may not always be consistent due to the waxing and waning of symptoms.

5. Lacks Empathy & Withholds Love & Affection

As discussed, mothers with BPD struggle to understand their children’s needs, even at the most basic level. This is the impediment of mentalization at work. Therefore, a lack of empathy and love is significantly higher in these mothers. The withholding of love and affection speaks to emotional neglect discussed previously. This set of signs often leads to insecure attachment.

6. Borderline Rage

When a mother with BPD experiences borderline rage, they may target their children due to their vulnerability. Borderline rage can range from verbal to physical aggressiveness. A study done by Macfie and Kurdziel (2020) found in their sample that children who had mothers with BPD were more likely to experience physical abuse.⁷ There are significant ramifications for child(ren)’s mental health in these cases.6

7. Makes Child Feel Like She Hates Them

Children of borderline mothers will often feel their mother hates them. This is often due to the nature of a mother’s affective dysregulation. When a mother with BPD becomes dysregulated they may inadvertently take this out on their child(ren). Borderline mothers will also struggle with attachment to their child(ren) which can bring up these complicated feelings in the child.

8. Fails to Validate Her Children

Children with borderline mothers will often feel invalidated. This is especially true when they experience the naturally high and low emotions of childhood as their mind and body grow. A mother with BPD will often struggle to understand her child(ren)’s emotional needs due to attachment difficulties. Thus, her child(ren)’s success become her own rather than recognizing the child for their achievement.

9. Unpredictable Behavior

BPD symptoms cause persons to have unpredictable behaviors.¹ This can be particularly hard for the child(ren) to process and understand. Unpredictable behaviors often come with emotional outbursts and may include acting out, overspending, impulsive decision-making, and crying spells to name a few. Children tend to mirror our behaviors and seeing such responses can alter their own behaviors as well.⁵

10.Overly Critical of Others

Emotion dysregulation causes a slew of disturbances in how women with BPD see and treat others. This includes, at times, being overly critical. A mother being overly critical poses a risk to the child’s own sense of self, self-esteem, and self-worth.⁵ Children are also prone to making mistakes. They are learning and growing and a healthy person can recognize that these are natural mistakes of growth. However, a mother with BPD may struggle to make this connect and be overly critical rather than nurturing.

11. Either Over or Under-Involved in a Child’s Life

A borderline mother will often experience mood swings and rapid mood shifts from moment to moment. These mood swings heavily impact the mothers presence in her child’s life.⁶ When mood swings are high and she appears “happier” she may be more over-involved and attentive. However, when mood shifts downward, perhaps even on the same day, the attentiveness and involvement shifts to the opposite. The constant back and forth can be overwhelming for any child.

12. Hostile & Argumentative

At times, these children will find their environment is chronically hostile. They may experience their mother arguing with others in their life quite often.⁵ They may not recognize, until they see others’ way of life, that the hostility in their home is unhealthy. The arguing tends to be directed toward them as previously discussed. Again, these experiences exacerbate the potential for the child to struggle with their own mental health at some point in their life.

How to Heal From a Borderline Mom

If you’ve been raised by a borderline mother, healing is possible. Depending on the relationship, you may decide to cut off your family member or try to set firm boundaries to protect yourself. Self-care, assertiveness, boundary-setting, support, and self-love are all tools that can help you cope. If you continue to struggle after taking steps on your own, you may consider getting professional help.⁸

Here are some ways to heal from a borderline mother:

Prioritize Physical Self-care

If you’ve been raised by a mother with BPD, you may not have been shown how to prioritize your own self-care. Start by examining three important areas: sleep, exercise, and nutrition. You should get at least eight hours of sleep per night, exercise at least 30 minutes, five days per week, and avoid processed foods.

Avoiding alcohol, tobacco, and drugs is also important, as these substances can harm your physical and mental health. If you’re unsure where to start, consider speaking with a healthcare provider who can help you come up with goals and a plan.

 Improve Your Emotional Self-Care

While physical self-care encompasses good sleep, exercise, and nutrition, emotional self-care includes taking steps to reduce distress. There are ways to practice emotional self-care, including connecting with a healthy support system, taking breaks for deep breathing and pleasurable activities, and avoiding too much toxicity in the news and on social media. Meditation can also help promote calm, relaxation, and balance.^9,10

Assert Yourself

Assertiveness is an important communication skill that involves expressing your thoughts and feelings respectfully. If you have a mother with BPD, you may find it difficult to stand up for yourself and say “No.” DEAR MAN is an acronym from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) that is an easy-to-remember formula for asserting yourself.¹¹

DEAR MAN stands for:

• Describe: explain the situation or problem (e.g., “You came over to my house unannounced after I asked you to call first.”)
• Express: use “I” statements to express your thoughts and feelings (e.g, “I feel angry when you do that.)
• Assert: clearly state what you want (e.g., “I want you to call before you come over.”)
• Reinforce: explain how the new behavior benefits them (“That way I’m prepared when you come over and we can enjoy our time together.”)
• Mindful: try to stay mindful by keeping the conversation focused on the present, vs. bringing up the past
• Appear confident: make eye contact, speak calmly and clearly, and keep good posture
• Negotiate: remain open and willing to compromise (within reason)

Set Healthy Boundaries

Setting boundaries is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship with someone with BPD. Examples of boundaries include how often you’d like to see or communicate with them, putting an end to unsolicited advice, and preventing family from interfering in your personal life.

The first step is establishing exactly what your boundaries are. The next step is communicating respectfully but firmly (see DEAR MAN). The last step is sticking to them even if your family member with BPD resists. Remember that you deserve to set your own boundaries and have them be respected, even if you’ve been told differently by those you love.

Get Support

If you were raised by a mother with BPD, you may have trouble trusting or connecting with others. Developing a positive, healthy support system is important for your well-being. Your support system may include family, friends, and treatment providers. If you feel lonely or think your support system might be toxic, consider stepping outside of your comfort zone to build new connections.

Consider joining a support group for family members of people dealing with mental illness. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) offers free support groups for adults with a family member that suffers from mental illness, including BPD. The National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder also offers the Family Connections Program, a free 12-week course that helps family members cope with a loved one’s BPD.

Practice Self-Love

If you haven’t experienced unconditional love in your own childhood, learning how to love yourself and others can be challenging. According to Buddhist philosophy, you must have compassion for yourself before you can provide compassion to others.¹² Self-compassion or self-love involves acknowledging your own suffering vs. avoiding the pain.

There are many ways to bring self-love into your life. For example, you could journal about what you appreciate about yourself, practice a loving-kindness meditation, and try to catch yourself when you’re comparing yourself to others or thinking negative thoughts about yourself.

Get Professional Support

Taking steps to cope on your own is vital, but if you’re continuing to struggle, consider seeking professional support. Acknowledging that you need more help is a sign of strength, not weakness, and may help you move forward on your healing journey. Treatment for BPD usually includes therapy, medication, and social support.

The Benefits of Therapy For Children of BPD Moms

If you have a borderline mother, therapy may be right for you. It can help you learn tools for coping with your family dynamics, including how to stand up for yourself and set healthy boundaries. If you’re dealing with your own mental health symptoms, a therapist can help you manage those as well. Depending on your preferences, individual, group, or family therapy may be beneficial.

The Benefits of Therapy for BPD Moms

If you are a mother with BPD, therapy can be very effective and helpful for you. DBT is the frontline treatment for BPD. There are opportunities to attend online DBT sessions if getting to a therapist in person is a challenge. This approach focuses on working to reframe thoughts to have healthier behaviors. Through DBT, people also learn how to manage negative emotions and find healthier ways to cope in the moment, with an emphasis on mindfulness.

How to Find a Therapist

To find the right therapist, contact your health insurance company, ask your healthcare provider for referrals, ask family and friends for recommendations, or use an online directory. You will want to look for a therapist who specializes in working with BPD and family issues.