Signs of a Borderline Mother & How to Heal

What Is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition that affects a person’s thoughts, feelings, and behavior.¹ People with BPD struggle with self-image, mood, relationships, and impulsivity (e.g., impulsive borderline personality disorder).²

Signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder include:

• Unstable relationships and self-image
• Suicidal ideation
• Self-harming
• Chronic sense of emptiness
• Difficulty controlling anger.

12 Signs of a Borderline Mother

The effects of being raised by borderline parents can be negative. A BPD mother’s symptoms will affect how she interacts with her children. Mothers with BPD can seem unloving, withholding, and negative.³ Their behavior may be unpredictable and their children may feel like they have to “walk on eggshells” to prevent their mothers from having mood swings.

Twelve signs of mothers with borderline personality disorder include:^3,4

1. Puts her own needs first
2. General neglect
3. Overall negative attitude
4. Tries to control her child (i.e., overbearing mother)
5. Lacks empathy and withholds love and affection
6. Borderline rage
7. Makes child feel like she hates them
8. Fails to validate her children
9. Unpredictable behavior
10. Overly critical of others
11. Either over or under-involved in a child’s life
12. Tends to be hostile and argumentative

10 Effects of Being Raised by a BPD Mother

The way you are raised affects many aspects of your life. Being raised by a mother with BPD can impact how you cope with your own emotions and how you connect with others.⁴ You may find it difficult to maintain a healthy relationship with your mother and other people in your life.

Here are ten effects of being raised by a BPD mother:^3,4,5

1. Higher risk for certain mental health conditions, including BPD
2. Higher levels of stress
3. Poor coping abilities
4. Difficulty controlling impulses
5. Negative emotions like sadness, regret, despair, humiliation, guilt, and shame
6. Difficulty coping with negative emotions
7. Tendency to avoid closeness with others
8. Difficulty forming and maintaining healthy relationships
9. Disorganized attachment
10. Complex PTSD from continuous emotional abuse
11. Enmeshment trauma 

Mother-Child Dynamics

There are a lot of dynamics that can play out between a BPD mother and her child given that the relationship is solely based on the mother’s symptoms. The BPD mother has expectations of her child to tend to her needs while neglecting their own needs. These children learn that in order to feel accepted or loved in some way, they must be caring for their mom’s emotional needs and catering to her demands, which creates a false sense of security and identity. It robs children of healthy development and leaves them with ingrained fears of abandonment or rejection. These children grow up without an authentic sense of self and are unable to trust themselves. They experience great feelings of shame and guilt and grow to have difficulties forming healthy and safe relationships.

How to Heal From a Borderline Mom

If you’ve been raised by a borderline mother, healing is possible. Depending on the relationship, you may decide to cut off your family member or try to set firm boundaries to protect yourself. Self-care, assertiveness, boundary-setting, support, and self-love are all tools that can help you cope. If you continue to struggle after taking steps on your own, you may consider getting professional help.⁶

Here are seven ways to heal from a borderline mother:

1. Prioritize Physical Self-care

If you’ve been raised by a mother with BPD, you may not have been shown how to prioritize your own self-care. Start by examining three important areas: sleep, exercise, and nutrition. You should get at least eight hours of sleep per night, exercise at least 30 minutes, five days per week, and avoid processed foods.

Avoiding alcohol, tobacco, and drugs is also important, as these substances can harm your physical and mental health. If you’re unsure where to start, consider speaking with a healthcare provider who can help you come up with goals and a plan.

2. Improve Your Emotional Self-Care

While physical self-care encompasses good sleep, exercise, and nutrition, emotional self-care includes taking steps to reduce distress. There are ways to practice emotional self-care, including connecting with a healthy support system, taking breaks for deep breathing and pleasurable activities, and avoiding too much toxicity in the news and on social media. Meditation can also help promote calm, relaxation, and balance.^7,8

3. Assert Yourself

Assertiveness is an important communication skill that involves expressing your thoughts and feelings respectfully. If you have a mother with BPD, you may find it difficult to stand up for yourself and say “No.” DEAR MAN is an acronym from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) that is an easy-to-remember formula for asserting yourself.⁹

DEAR MAN stands for:

• Describe: explain the situation or problem (e.g., “You came over to my house unannounced after I asked you to call first.”)
• Express: use “I” statements to express your thoughts and feelings (e.g, “I feel angry when you do that.)
• Assert: clearly state what you want (e.g., “I want you to call before you come over.”)
• Reinforce: explain how the new behavior benefits them (“That way I’m prepared when you come over and we can enjoy our time together.”)
• Mindful: try to stay mindful by keeping the conversation focused on the present, vs. bringing up the past
• Appear confident: make eye contact, speak calmly and clearly, and keep good posture
• Negotiate: remain open and willing to compromise (within reason)

4. Set Healthy Boundaries

Setting boundaries is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship with someone with BPD. Examples of boundaries include how often you’d like to see or communicate with them, putting an end to unsolicited advice, and preventing family from interfering in your personal life.

The first step is establishing exactly what your boundaries are. The next step is communicating respectfully but firmly (see DEAR MAN). The last step is sticking to them even if your family member with BPD resists. Remember that you deserve to set your own boundaries and have them be respected, even if you’ve been told differently by those you love.

5. Get Support

If you were raised by a mother with BPD, you may have trouble trusting or connecting with others. Developing a positive, healthy support system is important for your well-being. Your support system may include family, friends, and treatment providers. If you feel lonely or think your support system might be toxic, consider stepping outside of your comfort zone to build new connections.

Consider joining a support group for family members of people dealing with mental illness. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) offers free support groups for adults with a family member that suffers from mental illness, including BPD. The National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder also offers the Family Connections Program, a free 12-week course that helps family members cope with a loved one’s BPD.

6. Practice Self-Love

If you haven’t experienced unconditional love in your own childhood, learning how to love yourself and others can be challenging. According to Buddhist philosophy, you must have compassion for yourself before you can provide compassion to others.¹⁰ Self-compassion or self-love involves acknowledging your own suffering vs. avoiding the pain.

There are many ways to bring self-love into your life. For example, you could journal about what you appreciate about yourself, practice a loving-kindness meditation, and try to catch yourself when you’re comparing yourself to others or thinking negative thoughts about yourself.

7. Get Professional Support

Taking steps to cope on your own is vital, but if you’re continuing to struggle, consider seeking professional support. Acknowledging that you need more help is a sign of strength, not weakness, and may help you move forward on your healing journey. Treatment for BPD usually includes therapy, medication, and social support.

The Benefits of Therapy For Children of BPD Moms

If you have a borderline mother, therapy may be right for you. It can help you learn tools for coping with your family dynamics, including how to stand up for yourself and set healthy boundaries. If you’re dealing with your own mental health symptoms, a therapist can help you manage those as well. Depending on your preferences, individual, group, or family therapy may be beneficial.

The Benefits of Therapy for BPD Moms

If you are a mother with BPD, therapy can be very effective and helpful for you. DBT is the frontline treatment for BPD. This approach focuses on working to reframe thoughts to have healthier behaviors. Through DBT, people also learn how to manage negative emotions and find healthier ways to cope in the moment, with an emphasis on mindfulness.

How to Find a Therapist

To find the right therapist, contact your health insurance company, ask your healthcare provider for referrals, ask family and friends for recommendations, or use an online directory. You will want to look for a therapist who specializes in working with BPD and family issues.

Final Thoughts on Mothers With Borderline Personality Disorder

Being raised by a BPD mom can be difficult, and your experiences may affect many different areas of your life as you get older. However, there are ways to heal and move forward. Learning how to assert yourself and set boundaries, practice self-care, and connect with others are all ways to help yourself.