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Newsletter

  • Mental Health Issues
    • Anxiety
    • ADHD
    • Bipolar Disorder
    • Depression
    • Grief
    • OCD
    • Personality Disorders
    • PTSD
  • Relationships
    • Dating
    • Marriage
    • Sex & Intimacy
    • Infidelity
    • Relationships 101
  • Wellness
    • Anger
    • Burnout
    • Stress
    • Sleep
    • Meditation
    • Mindfulness
    • Yoga
  • Therapy
    • Starting Therapy
    • Types of Therapy
    • Best Online Therapy Services
    • Online Couples Therapy
    • Online Therapy for Teens
  • Medication
    • Anxiety Medication
    • Depression Medication
    • ADHD Medication
    • Best Online Psychiatrist Options
  • My Mental Health
    • Men
    • Women
    • BIPOC
    • LGBTQIA+
    • Parents
    • Teens
  • About Us
    • Editorial Policy
    • Advertising Policy
    • About Us
    • Find a Local Therapist
    • Join Our Free Directory
  • What Is BPD?What Is BPD?
  • Signs of a Borderline MotherSigns of a Borderline Mother
  • Effects of Being Raised by a BPD MomEffects of Being Raised by a BPD Mom
  • Mother-Child DynamicsMother-Child Dynamics
  • How to Heal From a Borderline MomHow to Heal From a Borderline Mom
  • Therapy Benefits For ChildrenTherapy Benefits For Children
  • Therapy Benefits For MomsTherapy Benefits For Moms
  • ConclusionConclusion
  • InfographicsInfographics

Signs of a Borderline Mother & How to Heal

Written by: Emily Guarnotta, PsyD

Kristen Fuller, MD

Reviewed by: Kristen Fuller, MD

Published: December 30, 2022
Headshot of Emily Guarnotta, PsyD
Written by:

Emily Guarnotta

PsyD
Headshot of Dr. Kristen Fuller, MD
Reviewed by:

Kristen Fuller

MD

Mothers with borderline personality disorder (BPD) may lack empathy, be controlling, and emotionally unpredictable. Being raised by a mother with BPD can affect many areas of your life. By learning how to assert yourself, set boundaries, and practice self-care, you can heal and move forward.

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What Is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition that affects a person’s thoughts, feelings, and behavior.1 People with BPD struggle with self-image, mood, relationships, and impulsivity (e.g., impulsive borderline personality disorder).2

Signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder include:

  • Unstable relationships and self-image
  • Suicidal ideation
  • Self-harming
  • Chronic sense of emptiness
  • Difficulty controlling anger.

12 Signs of a Borderline Mother

The effects of being raised by borderline parents can be negative. A BPD mother’s symptoms will affect how she interacts with her children. Mothers with BPD can seem unloving, withholding, and negative.3 Their behavior may be unpredictable and their children may feel like they have to “walk on eggshells” to prevent their mothers from having mood swings.

Twelve signs of mothers with borderline personality disorder include:3,4

  1. Puts her own needs first
  2. General neglect
  3. Overall negative attitude
  4. Tries to control her child (i.e., overbearing mother)
  5. Lacks empathy and withholds love and affection
  6. Borderline rage
  7. Makes child feel like she hates them
  8. Fails to validate her children
  9. Unpredictable behavior
  10. Overly critical of others
  11. Either over or under-involved in a child’s life
  12. Tends to be hostile and argumentative
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10 Effects of Being Raised by a BPD Mother

The way you are raised affects many aspects of your life. Being raised by a mother with BPD can impact how you cope with your own emotions and how you connect with others.4 You may find it difficult to maintain a healthy relationship with your mother and other people in your life.

Here are ten effects of being raised by a BPD mother:3,4,5

  1. Higher risk for certain mental health conditions, including BPD
  2. Higher levels of stress
  3. Poor coping abilities
  4. Difficulty controlling impulses
  5. Negative emotions like sadness, regret, despair, humiliation, guilt, and shame
  6. Difficulty coping with negative emotions
  7. Tendency to avoid closeness with others
  8. Difficulty forming and maintaining healthy relationships
  9. Disorganized attachment
  10. Complex PTSD from continuous emotional abuse
  11. Enmeshment trauma 

Mother-Child Dynamics

There are a lot of dynamics that can play out between a BPD mother and her child given that the relationship is solely based on the mother’s symptoms. The BPD mother has expectations of her child to tend to her needs while neglecting their own needs. These children learn that in order to feel accepted or loved in some way, they must be caring for their mom’s emotional needs and catering to her demands, which creates a false sense of security and identity. It robs children of healthy development and leaves them with ingrained fears of abandonment or rejection. These children grow up without an authentic sense of self and are unable to trust themselves. They experience great feelings of shame and guilt and grow to have difficulties forming healthy and safe relationships.

How to Heal From a Borderline Mom

If you’ve been raised by a borderline mother, healing is possible. Depending on the relationship, you may decide to cut off your family member or try to set firm boundaries to protect yourself. Self-care, assertiveness, boundary-setting, support, and self-love are all tools that can help you cope. If you continue to struggle after taking steps on your own, you may consider getting professional help.6

Here are seven ways to heal from a borderline mother:

1. Prioritize Physical Self-care

If you’ve been raised by a mother with BPD, you may not have been shown how to prioritize your own self-care. Start by examining three important areas: sleep, exercise, and nutrition. You should get at least eight hours of sleep per night, exercise at least 30 minutes, five days per week, and avoid processed foods.

Avoiding alcohol, tobacco, and drugs is also important, as these substances can harm your physical and mental health. If you’re unsure where to start, consider speaking with a healthcare provider who can help you come up with goals and a plan.

2. Improve Your Emotional Self-Care

While physical self-care encompasses good sleep, exercise, and nutrition, emotional self-care includes taking steps to reduce distress. There are ways to practice emotional self-care, including connecting with a healthy support system, taking breaks for deep breathing and pleasurable activities, and avoiding too much toxicity in the news and on social media. Meditation can also help promote calm, relaxation, and balance.7,8

3. Assert Yourself

Assertiveness is an important communication skill that involves expressing your thoughts and feelings respectfully. If you have a mother with BPD, you may find it difficult to stand up for yourself and say “No.” DEAR MAN is an acronym from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) that is an easy-to-remember formula for asserting yourself.9

DEAR MAN stands for:

  • Describe: explain the situation or problem (e.g., “You came over to my house unannounced after I asked you to call first.”)
  • Express: use “I” statements to express your thoughts and feelings (e.g, “I feel angry when you do that.)
  • Assert: clearly state what you want (e.g., “I want you to call before you come over.”)
  • Reinforce: explain how the new behavior benefits them (“That way I’m prepared when you come over and we can enjoy our time together.”)
  • Mindful: try to stay mindful by keeping the conversation focused on the present, vs. bringing up the past
  • Appear confident: make eye contact, speak calmly and clearly, and keep good posture
  • Negotiate: remain open and willing to compromise (within reason)

4. Set Healthy Boundaries

Setting boundaries is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship with someone with BPD. Examples of boundaries include how often you’d like to see or communicate with them, putting an end to unsolicited advice, and preventing family from interfering in your personal life.

The first step is establishing exactly what your boundaries are. The next step is communicating respectfully but firmly (see DEAR MAN). The last step is sticking to them even if your family member with BPD resists. Remember that you deserve to set your own boundaries and have them be respected, even if you’ve been told differently by those you love.

5. Get Support

If you were raised by a mother with BPD, you may have trouble trusting or connecting with others. Developing a positive, healthy support system is important for your well-being. Your support system may include family, friends, and treatment providers. If you feel lonely or think your support system might be toxic, consider stepping outside of your comfort zone to build new connections.

Consider joining a support group for family members of people dealing with mental illness. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) offers free support groups for adults with a family member that suffers from mental illness, including BPD. The National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder also offers the Family Connections Program, a free 12-week course that helps family members cope with a loved one’s BPD.

6. Practice Self-Love

If you haven’t experienced unconditional love in your own childhood, learning how to love yourself and others can be challenging. According to Buddhist philosophy, you must have compassion for yourself before you can provide compassion to others.10 Self-compassion or self-love involves acknowledging your own suffering vs. avoiding the pain.

There are many ways to bring self-love into your life. For example, you could journal about what you appreciate about yourself, practice a loving-kindness meditation, and try to catch yourself when you’re comparing yourself to others or thinking negative thoughts about yourself.

7. Get Professional Support

Taking steps to cope on your own is vital, but if you’re continuing to struggle, consider seeking professional support. Acknowledging that you need more help is a sign of strength, not weakness, and may help you move forward on your healing journey. Treatment for BPD usually includes therapy, medication, and social support.

The Benefits of Therapy For Children of BPD Moms

If you have a borderline mother, therapy may be right for you. It can help you learn tools for coping with your family dynamics, including how to stand up for yourself and set healthy boundaries. If you’re dealing with your own mental health symptoms, a therapist can help you manage those as well. Depending on your preferences, individual, group, or family therapy may be beneficial.

The Benefits of Therapy for BPD Moms

If you are a mother with BPD, therapy can be very effective and helpful for you. DBT is the frontline treatment for BPD. This approach focuses on working to reframe thoughts to have healthier behaviors. Through DBT, people also learn how to manage negative emotions and find healthier ways to cope in the moment, with an emphasis on mindfulness.

How to Find a Therapist

To find the right therapist, contact your health insurance company, ask your healthcare provider for referrals, ask family and friends for recommendations, or use an online directory. You will want to look for a therapist who specializes in working with BPD and family issues.

Final Thoughts on Mothers With Borderline Personality Disorder

Being raised by a BPD mom can be difficult, and your experiences may affect many different areas of your life as you get older. However, there are ways to heal and move forward. Learning how to assert yourself and set boundaries, practice self-care, and connect with others are all ways to help yourself.

Additional Resources

Education is just the first step on our path to improved mental health and emotional wellness. To help our readers take the next step in their journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy may be compensated for marketing by the companies mentioned below.

Talk Therapy 

Online-Therapy.com Get support and guidance from a licensed therapist. Online-Therapy.com provides weekly video sessions and unlimited text messaging with your therapist for only $64/week. Get Started

Psychiatry, with you in mind

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Free BPD Newsletter 

A free newsletter from Choosing Therapy for those impacted by BPD. Get helpful tips and the latest information. Sign Up

DBT Skills Course

Jones Mindful Living Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a popular treatment for BPD. Learn DBT skills with live weekly classes and online video courses for only $19 per month. Free One Week Trial

Choosing Therapy Directory 

You can search for therapists by specialty, experience, insurance, or price, and location. Find a therapist today.

*Includes all types of patient cost: copayment, deductible, and coinsurance. Excludes no shows and includes $0 Visits.

For Further Reading

  • National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder
  • National Alliance on Mental Illness
  • BPD Family
  • Centre for Addiction and Mental Health
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Are OCD and BPD related? Here’s what experts say

If you’re familiar with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and borderline personality disorder (BPD), you might be aware of some similarities that the conditions can share, at least on the surface: deeply-rooted doubts about oneself and one’s relationships, difficulty tolerating anxiety related to these fears, and lasting damage to relationships and self-esteem.

Read more

Borderline Mother Infographics

Signs of a Borderline Mother Effects of Being Raised by a BPD Mother How to Heal From a Borderline Mom

Newsletter- BPD 1

A free newsletter for those impacted by BPD. Get helpful tips and the latest information.

Sources Update History

Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

  • American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA.

  • Leichsenring, F., Leibing, E., Kruse, J., New, A. S., & Leweke, F. (2011). Borderline personality disorder. The Lancet, 377(9759), 74-84. https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736(10)61422-5/fulltext

  • Sansone, R. A., & Sansone, L. A. (2009). The families of borderline patients: The psychological environment revisited. Psychiatry, 6(2), 19–24. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19724744/

  • Chlebowski, S. M. (2013). The borderline mother and her child: A couple at risk. American Journal of Psychotherapy, 67(2), 153-164. https://psychotherapy.psychiatryonline.org/doi/full/10.1176/appi.psychotherapy.2013.67.2.153

  • Kay, M. L., Poggenpoel, M., Myburgh, C. P., & Downing, C. (2018). Experiences of family members who have a relative diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Curationis, 41(1), e1–e9. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30326706/

  • National Institute on Mental Health. (2021). Caring for your mental health. Retrieved from: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/caring-for-your-mental-health

  • Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2019). Taking care of your emotional health. Retrieved from: https://emergency.cdc.gov/coping/selfcare.asp

  • National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health. (2016). Meditation: In depth. Retrieved from: https://www.nccih.nih.gov/health/meditation-in-depth

  • Linehan, M. (2014). DBT skills training manual (2nd ed.). New York: Guilford Publications.

  • Neff, K. (2004). Self-compassion and psychological well-being. Constructivism in the Human Sciences, 9(2), 27-37. https://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/publications/Self-compassion%20and%20Well-being.pdf

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We regularly update the articles on ChoosingTherapy.com to ensure we continue to reflect scientific consensus on the topics we cover, to incorporate new research into our articles, and to better answer our audience’s questions. When our content undergoes a significant revision, we summarize the changes that were made and the date on which they occurred. We also record the authors and medical reviewers who contributed to previous versions of the article. Read more about our editorial policies here.

December 30, 2022
Author: No Change
Reviewer: No Change
Primary Changes: Updated for readability and clarity. Reviewed and added relevant resources. Added “Mother-Child Dynamics” and “The Benefits of Therapy for BPD Moms”. New material written by Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C and reviewed by Dena Westphalen, PharmD.
March 2, 2022
Author: Emily Guarnotta, PsyD
Reviewer: Kristen Fuller, MD
Show more

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  • What Is BPD?What Is BPD?
  • Signs of a Borderline MotherSigns of a Borderline Mother
  • Effects of Being Raised by a BPD MomEffects of Being Raised by a BPD Mom
  • Mother-Child DynamicsMother-Child Dynamics
  • How to Heal From a Borderline MomHow to Heal From a Borderline Mom
  • Therapy Benefits For ChildrenTherapy Benefits For Children
  • Therapy Benefits For MomsTherapy Benefits For Moms
  • ConclusionConclusion
  • InfographicsInfographics
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