Many people dealing with terminal illnesses struggle with how their impending death will impact their loved ones or how they will use their remaining time. Talking with someone else who has a terminal illness can be very helpful in any stage of illness, and a therapist can also help guide the patient and their family through grief.1
How You Might Feel After a Terminal Diagnosis
When you or a loved one is diagnosed with a terminal illness, a flood of emotions will arise, including denial, helplessness, frustration, and fear. Even with the support of health practitioners, family, and friends, you may still feel alone.
Emotions you may feel with a terminal illness include:2
- Shock
- Fear
- Anger
- Resentment
- Denial
- Helplessness
- Sadness
- Frustration
- Relief
- Acceptance
Many people are aware of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and her work around the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Grief experts agree these stages occur for many who are facing death, but people also experience grief in different ways and in no specific order. One person may experience one stage longer or shorter than another. Some may not experience all five stages.3
Understanding Anticipatory Grief
Anticipatory grief refers to the grief someone experiences before an actual loss occurs. This type of grief can be particularly complex and difficult. However, when someone is diagnosed with a terminal illness, it is normal to face this type of grief. You may start grieving for a life that you will not have. Your loved ones might start grieving the reality of this upcoming change.
17 Tips for Coping With Terminal Illness
If you’re facing a terminal illness, you are not alone. In addition to family and friends, there are healthcare professionals who will offer ongoing treatment and support. Hospice staff are also available to comfort and support both patients and their loved ones, and can help you understand your diagnosis and prepare for whatever comes next.
Here are 17 tips for how to cope with a terminal illness:
1. Acknowledge That You’re Dying
Although it may be scary, many people find that there’s a tremendous sense of healing when they come to terms with their truth. This takes time, and it’s a highly personal process, but acknowledging death can allow you to make the most of your last moments, and it can also motivate you to get your final affairs in order to best support your family.
2. Decide Who to Tell
Communication is key. Tell people about your diagnosis who you can talk candidly with about your thoughts and feelings. Let them know what you need and discuss what quality of life means to you. Give them a chance to share their feelings as well. Don’t let things you want to say go unsaid. If you aren’t comfortable talking, write things down in a grief journal or in letters designated for specific individuals.
3. Learn All You Can About Your Diagnosis
Talk to your doctor and other related healthcare practitioners to find out what you can expect in terms of the progression of your illness, treatment, and how it will impact your functionality. This knowledge can help you and your family prepare for what will come in the days ahead.
4. Plan Your Advanced Care Directive
If you have wishes regarding specific healthcare interventions like ventilators or feeding tubes, make sure your wishes are understood and honored by the person you appoint as your health care proxy. Consult an attorney to ensure the proper legal documents are in place such as a living will, durable power of attorney for healthcare, or health care proxy.
5. If Able, Consider What Type of Funeral/Memorial Service You Want
A terminal illness makes people feel like they have lost control over all aspects of their lives. Thinking about and planning for your funeral or memorial service is a way of gaining some control. If there is not a family member who is comfortable having this discussion, find a friend or a member of your place of worship you can talk to about it.
6. Engage With Palliative Care Experts
Palliative care experts looked at the importance of hope for patients, family members, and physicians while confronting terminal illness. They concluded that attributes of hope focus initially on cure, then shift to prolonged survival, and then to improving quality of life. As the illness advances, this hope might also evolve into a form of acceptance.4 Palliative care experts understand how to guide people and their families through these emotions and stages.
7. Find End of Life Counseling
Therapy can be enormously helpful for the person who is diagnosed, as well as for loved ones and family members. To find a therapist or counselor who is the right match, use an online therapist directory and search for a mental health professional based on location, price, experience, and more.
8. Join a Support Group
A support group provides emotional connection, information, and a sense of belonging in the face of your terminal illness. Being around like-minded individuals reminds you that you are not alone, and having this type of support can reduce feelings of loneliness. There are many in-person and online support groups available—remember that you can show up exactly as you are and engage at a pace that feels safe for you.
9. Forgive Yourself in Advance for Your Limits & Difficult Emotions
Self-forgiveness can be liberating. You are allowed to give yourself grace during this time. You are allowed to acknowledge your own limits, shortcomings, and negative emotions. This is part of being human, even if it gets messy or painful. Having your own support can be invaluable for making the most of your remaining time.
10. Reflect on Life & What You Want From the Time You Have
Ask yourself: What can enhance your quality of life? Who do you want to spend time with and how do you want to spend it? These are fundamental questions to ask. Try to spend the time you have left according to your answers.
11. Maintain Your Lifestyle as Much as Possible
Even though things are changing, it can be grounding to try to stick to your routine as much as you can. This may provide a sense of normalcy, which can promote your overall emotional well-being. It also cultivates purpose and identity. Your lifestyle is an integral part of who you are, and it’s worth holding onto it as long as it makes sense for you.
12. Establish a Support Team for Patient & Family
Identify what needs to be done and who is available to help. If you’re a friend or family member, you might help with tasks like grocery shopping, laundry, taking kids to and from school, and encouraging the patient to practice self-care.
Caring Bridge can help communicate the patient’s condition and what they or their family need. Designate a trusted person to keep these updates so you won’t have to field unnecessary calls or visitors.
13. Acknowledge Grief & Fear
Note that patients with life threatening illnesses experience a series of losses as the illness progresses. Grief in the face of these losses is natural and should be acknowledged and expressed.5 Most patients will also benefit if they can feel secure enough to share their fears, too.
14. Try Expressive Therapies
Music, art, writing, and photography are all creative mediums that allow you to harness your emotions and learn more about yourself. This can be an important way to take care of yourself when coping with a terminal illness. Some people also find that they enjoy creating art as a way to make meaning of their last moments.
15. Utilize Complimentary Treatments
Chronic or acute pain can often coincide with terminal illness. Simple tasks may no longer feel feasible, and you may feel like your body is betraying you. Holistic treatments like acupuncture, massages, meditation, or yoga may help you enjoy a more meaningful connection with your body. Talk about your options with your doctor.
16. Say Goodbye in Your Own Way & Time
How you say goodbye isn’t as important as making sure you say it. It doesn’t have to be in words either; communicate your feelings in whatever way feels right to you and only when you’re ready.
17. Distract Yourself When You Need to
Denial is a way of coping, and it’s perfectly reasonable given the severity and reality of a terminal diagnosis. As long as your denial isn’t harming you or your loved ones, then it’s not necessarily bad.7
How Therapy Can Help You Process a Terminal Diagnosis
A therapist can help the patient process and understand the wave of emotional turmoil that stems from a terminal diagnosis. They can help them cope with grief and communicate their feelings as well as facilitate communication between the patient and their loved ones. Another therapeutic goal is to help patients prioritize their goals and wishes.
Family members can benefit from therapy, too. They need to be able to process their grief and express feelings they may be reluctant to share with the loved one who is ill. They also need help coping with the painful reality of the impending death of a loved one and what that means for them, their family, and their future.
Finally, they will need grief counseling and support after a loved one has died. As they begin to process the enormity of the loss, they may experience survivor’s guilt or other complex emotions related to death, dying, grief, and loss. Find a therapist with expertise in grief and loss on an online therapist directory.
Helping a Loved One Cope With a Terminal Illness
Loved ones often feel scared, angry, sad, and guilty when facing another person’s terminal illness. They also often experience a profound sense of helplessness. Nobody wants to risk saying or doing the wrong thing. When it comes to helping your loved one cope, it’s important to try to let go of perfectionism while also keeping some considerations in mind.
Allow for Proper Time to Say Goodbye
Goodbyes will likely be emotional and challenging. It’s important to approach this sensitive time with a sense of compassion. There might not be an ideal timing, but try to choose a time when your loved one is alert and relatively comfortable. If possible, aim to have your last conversations in private, quiet settings where you won’t be disturbed.
It’s okay to fully express your appreciation and love. It may be helpful to think about how they have impacted your life. If you want to apologize for any wrongdoings, consider using this time to make your amends. At the same time, try to avoid putting too much pressure on yourself for making the “right” goodbye.
Ask for Advice From Hospice Workers
Hospice workers have extensive experience caring for terminally ill patients and their families. They can guide you into the best practices for helping your loved one cope, and they can also prepare you for what to expect during the various phases of treatment.
What to Say to Someone Who Is Terminally Ill
Empathy always matters, and practicing active listening should be a top priority. Don’t assume you know how the other person feels, and try to follow their lead when it comes to how comfortable they are disclosing certain details. It’s appropriate to express your condolences, and it’s also important to follow-up to let them know they’re on your mind.
Final Thoughts on Coping With Terminal Illness
People experience impending death and the loss of a loved one in their own way, although universal emotions like helplessness, fear, anxiety, and anger often emerge. The more medical, psychological, and family support that the person diagnosed and their loved ones have, the more tools they will have available to cope with what lies ahead.
For Further Reading
Coping With a Terminal Illness Infographics
