Dating someone with depression can be challenging because it is difficult to see someone you care about struggle. If your partner has depression, they may feel hopeless or show signs of social withdrawal, which can leave you feeling like you did something wrong when you did not.1 Understanding depression can help you communicate with your partner when their depression manifests.
What to Say When a First Date Tells You They Have Depression
If a first date tells you they suffer from depression, you may have a lot of questions and concerns. You might be curious about how severe their depression is, what it is like for them when they are experiencing symptoms of depression and how this has impacted their romantic relationships. While there’s no rules for how to respond to this, if you’re interested in this person and want to know more, it’s important to be sensitive and nonjudgmental while inquiring further.
Additionally, “Be honest with yourself. If you can’t or don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who has mental health concerns, that’s fine; you’re not a therapist. You know your own capacity” says Paul-Roy Taylor, PhD. Furthermore, “if this is a deal breaker for you, which is totally fine, then you need to be clear about that and politely end the date. This may sound harsh but hanging in there with someone who has a disease that you don’t want to have in your life is not going to help anyone” says Krista Jordan, PhD.
It is also important to recognize that, “although a lot of work has been done to combat the stigma of mental illness, it is still very prevalent and hard for people to share something so vulnerable and personal. [Therefore,] if a first date tells you they have depression, I would encourage you to thank them for telling you and to acknowledge that it must not have been easy for them to share,” says Kimberly Panganiban, LMFT.
5 Tips for Dating Someone With Depression
Dating someone with depression can be taxing on both you and your partner. However, through self-education, communication, and taking care of your own mental health, you can have a healthy relationship with someone with depression.
Here are five tips for dating someone with depression:
1. Educate Yourself
“Educate yourself on depression and other considerations regarding mental health. If needed, seek your own support as well.” – Matthew Glowiak, PhD, LCPC.
2. Communicate, Listen & Understand
“Be a good listener and do not offer any unsolicited advice” – Lydia Antonatos, LMHC. “Don’t make any assumptions! Just ask, if you sense that something is wrong” – Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C.
“It is important for you to open the lines of communication with your partner so that depression is something that can be openly discussed between the two of you. They need to feel comfortable sharing how they are feeling and what they need and you need to feel comfortable expressing concern in a gentle manner if you notice that their depression is returning/worsening. Often, people close to someone with depression notice it coming before the individual does. Early intervention/changes is key to not letting the depression spiral” – Kimberly Panganiban, LMFT.
3. Externalizate Feelings
Externalizing the depression can allow you to have a different perspective and separate the depression from the person you care about. Discussing depression as something separate from the person by saying things like—”the depression seems to be making it really hard for you to leave your bed today”—can feel less threatening and allow for a sense of greater understanding.
“When dating someone with depression it is important to remember that the depression symptoms are independent of the relationship circumstances. Individuals should not take it personally when their partner lacks interest or motivation to do otherwise pleasurable or preferred activities,” says Julia Chamberlain, LMHC
“Remember that there will be better and worse days. When your loved one is having a difficult day, do not personalize it. The negative feelings are not about you. They stem from depression,” says Matthew Glowiak, PhD, LCPC
4. Establish Self-Care Routines & Boundaries
If the person you are dating needs a lot of support, be honest with yourself and with your partner about what you can provide; reach out to friends, family, local community or mental health providers or support groups for additional help and support. You need to make sure you have your oxygen mask on before assisting others. Oftentimes those who are caring for someone with depression don’t get the support and help they need, which can lead to feeling depleted, overwhelmed, helpless and/or resentful.
“Take care of yourself—eat healthy, get sleep, manage your stress, socialize with close friends, even see a therapist to help keep yourself on an even keel. That will help avoid adding your problems to the existing problem of depression in the system. This isn’t the same as you trying to fix your partner, it’s just keeping the environment from getting more dysfunctional due to your own emotional issues,” says Krista Jordan, PhD.
Additionally, joining a support group for partners or loved ones of depressed individuals could be a great resource and place to share about your experiences and gain information.
“Periodically check in with yourself and practice self-care. Do not let it [their] depression consume you (keep your identity and have other things going on in your life), know your limits and set boundaries if you must” – Lydia Antonatos, LMHC.
5. Provide Support & Help
“Offer to drive them to appointments (therapy, medical doctor)…Along those lines if they are having trouble finding a therapist or psychiatrist you can offer to look for them and set up an initial appointment. Normally this would be coddling but when someone is depressed their brain is literally not functioning normally. Their processing slows down and their higher cognitive functions are impaired. It can be harder to see options, make decisions or organize things” – Krista Jordan, PhD.
“Be as supportive as possible. When you notice some of the signs of depression see whether there is anything you can do to help. Encourage your partner to take preventative measures such as exercising, eating well, and seeking professional mental health assistance” – Sonia Martin, LCSW
How Do I Support Someone I’ve Been Dating for a While Who Just Got Diagnosed?
You can learn about depression together. You can explore what it is that you can do to support your partner, making sure it is something you too are comfortable with. You should listen and provide your partner with support, express to your partner that you care about them and that they are not alone.4 You can also offer to do a “low stress” activity with your partner like watching a TV program or taking a walk.5
If your partner is prescribed medication you can help your partner organize their medication(s) by getting them a pill box or setting a phone reminder for when they should take their medication.5 If it is alright with your partner, you could also offer to check in with them daily about their mood, symptoms and whether they took their medication (if applicable).
Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C, suggests, “If you’re in a committed relationship, know that you didn’t cause anything to happen and you can’t “fix” their depression. Educate yourself on depression and get involved–having that kind of support is priceless.”
Matthew Glowiak, PhD, LCPC suggests, “Ask what your loved one needs. Be supportive to whatever is requested. This may include openly talking about depression, educating yourself on the topic, attending counseling sessions together, and making some necessary life adjustments to be more supportive.”
Make Sure You’re Caring for Your Own Mental Health, Too
It’s important to learn how to cope without “being dragged down” into the depression.3 Find ways of coping and understanding the depression so that you don’t feel responsible. Engage in self-care, physical activity and reach out to your support network.
Julia Chamberlain, LMHC says, “when dating someone with depression self-care becomes paramount to the success of the relationship. Dealing with depression can be draining, therefore, it is essential to balance with activities that recharge us.” Consider what hobbies, activities or interests you can invest your time in to allow you to feel fulfilled.
“Seek support for yourself. Talk to a close friend, attend a support group, talk to a therapist,” says Lydia Antonatos, LMHC.
While finding ways to support your partner is valuable it is important to keep in mind that “…it is not your responsibility to manage or fix their depression and ultimately, they still need to be accountable for themselves. Depressed people can’t always help that they feel depressed, but they can, and should, be accountable for managing their symptoms and actively doing things to keep themselves healthy and balanced.” – Hailey Shafir, LCMHCS, LPCS, LCAS, CCS
Final Thoughts on Dating Someone With Depression
Dating someone with depression can be challenging, but there are plenty of ways to obtain support and guidance to help yourself and your partner through periods of depression. Overall, it is important to find a balance with providing support and care while maintaining appropriate boundaries, taking care of oneself and still feeling fulfilled in their relationship. Additional support from friends and family and/or professional services such as individual or couples counseling may be necessary in learning to strike this balance.
Additional Resources
- 10 Best Depression Podcasts
- 15 Best Depression Blogs
- Mental Health America
- National Alliance on Mental Health
- MentalHealth.gov
- Online Therapist Directory: Sort therapists by specialty, cost, availability and more. Watch intro videos and see articles written by the therapists you’re considering working with. When you’ve found a good match, book an online therapy appointment with them directly.
Are you ready to connect with a therapist but feel a little overwhelmed by all your options? Speak with one of Choosing Therapy’s Client Navigators. Client Navigators are mental health professionals who will listen to what you’re looking for in a therapist and help pair you with the best possible fit. Getting started is free, easy, and confidential.
