Experiencing controlling parents can impact several aspects of someone’s life including social and emotional well-being, relationships, problem-solving skills, academic and career decisions, and overall life satisfaction. Recognizing the signs of controlling parents can help aid in exploring options to alleviate the consequences and establish adaptive coping skills to improve overall well-being as an adult.
10 Signs of Controlling Parents
Some signs of controlling parents like harsh punishment or providing little privacy can be misconstrued as normal if they’ve been happening for generations. Sometimes these behaviors occur out of love and concern because the parents want to shield the child from pain. These types of parents, known as snowplow parents, control their kids and their environment by attempting to remove any obstacles for their kids, which can be extremely detrimental to developmental skills. Regardless of intent, controlling and over-involved parenting can have negative consequences.
Here are ten signs of controlling parents:
- Interfering in everything: A desire to dictate a child’s academic decisions, career, and social life.
- Use of manipulation tactics: For example, reminding the child that they have an obligation to them because of “all they have done for you.”
- Conditional love: Love is not given freely or without expectation. An example would be if the child only receives affection or praise when getting straight A’s.
- Demanding obedience: Setting rigid, unrealistic rules that cannot be questioned.
- Harsh punishments that do not align with the offense: Minor infractions result in total loss of privileges, electronics, or excessive grounding.
- Lack of empathy and respect: When the only feedback for accomplishments is “It’s not that big of a deal” or “You could have done better.”
- Lack of appreciation for individuality: Does not provide space for children or adults to form their own viewpoints, beliefs, sense of style, aspirations, and more.
- Eliminating or providing little privacy: Every aspect of the child’s life is expected to be shared.
- Criticizing or having an unsolicited opinion about independent choices: Every decision the child makes is wrong unless parents agree, regardless of whether the choice impacts them or not.
- Unattainable or perfectionist standards: Pressure to perform at high levels in multiple areas like academics, sport or club involvement, volunteering, social and family obligations.
3 Types of Parental Control
Different types of parental control directly impact children, adolescents, and adults, affecting their emotional regulation and general well-being as they age. As such, it’s important to utilize age-appropriate techniques to encourage autonomy, build problem-solving skills, and increase the ability to manage stress.
Three types of parental control are:
- Behavioral control: Parental efforts to regulate and monitor a child’s behavior. Inappropriate behavioral control related to a child’s age can limit opportunities to build autonomy and impact emotional and social development.1
- Psychological control: Tactics to control or pressure children to comply by means of manipulation. These tactics include guilt, shaming, withdrawal of affection, emotional blackmail, and invalidating feelings.2
- Overparenting: High levels of warmth and support along with high levels of control. The dynamic creates low levels of autonomy due to parental over-involvement.3
What Is the Impact of Controlling Parents on Mental Health?
Controlling or invasive behaviors from parents can result in the loss of autonomy or any sense of control over one’s life. The child may feel a sense of being trapped by the inability to make individual choices, overwhelmed by pressure to perform at unrealistic standards, or angered by the constant intrusiveness in their life. These feelings can carry over into adulthood.
Controlling and over-involvement can have negative, long-lasting impacts on emotional well-being and mental health, too. Studies indicate that children and adults can experience symptoms of anxiety, depression, poor self-esteem, and high levels of stress. If little or no relief is obtained, these mental health disorders can worsen over time.
Impact of Controlling Parents on Children
Parents that engage in overparenting often do so out of concern for their child’s well-being or an urge to live vicariously through them; however, this inhibits children from making decisions, solving problems, and learning how to cope with emotions and change. Children feel pressured to conform to parental authority, resulting in emotional insecurity and dependence that follows them into adulthood.4
Controlling or over-involved parenting can result in the following:
- Anxiety symptoms
- Depression symptoms
- Emotional insecurity
- Codependency
- Disobedience
- Delinquency
- Aggressive behavior
- Negative self-concept
- Low self-esteem
- Poor emotional regulation
- Limited ability to recognize emotions
- Maladaptive coping skills
Consequences of Controlling Parents on Adults
Even though the adult may be living independently, the effects of having controlling parents can still remain or be exacerbated as life presents challenging situations. This can result in unhealthy relationships, low-self esteem, low tolerance for stress, and more.
Long-term consequences of having controlling parents include:2,5
- Mental health struggles (depression, anxiety, and adjustment issues)
- Engaging in risky behaviors
- Increased substance use
- Unhealthy relationships
- Low self-esteem and self-efficacy
- Low tolerance for stressful situations
- Poor boundaries
Another complication of having controlling parents is related to the shift in family dynamics. More emerging adults (ages 18-29) are residing at home longer or returning home for a variety of reasons. Adults who remain in the home with controlling parents may engage in antisocial or withdrawn behavior as a way to cope with restricted freedom, which can negatively impact current or future relationships.2
9 Ways to Cope With Controlling Parents in Adulthood
Learning to cope with controlling parents takes time, patience, and consistency. Set realistic expectations and continue to remind yourself why you are employing strategies to cope. It is possible to begin to make healthy changes for yourself and your emotional well-being.
Here are nine ways to cope with controlling parents:
1. Acknowledge & Accept the Problem
Recognizing controlling behaviors and educating yourself about over-involved parents can provide relief and empower you to make changes. Accept that you do not have the ability to make your parents change their behaviors; however, you do have the ability to change your reactions, boundaries, and relationship with them. Focus on what you can control.
2. Establish Boundaries
Boundaries are healthy and give you an opportunity to reinforce that you will not tolerate certain behaviors for the sake of your own emotional well-being. They can also be a tool to teach others what will and will not be tolerated. One of the crucial parts of setting boundaries is following through with consequences if the boundary is violated.
3. Build a Support System
Connecting with other individuals who have experienced similar issues can provide comfort and alleviate feelings of loneliness. Having a healthy support system of individuals you trust also helps encourage you to enforce your boundaries.
4. Create Space
Taking a break or creating space is a healthy coping skill. Creating space might be going for a walk, limiting visits or phone calls, or moving into your own place. Space can create a place to process your emotions and thoughts without interference from your parents. It gives you time to reflect on your desires and boundaries.
5. Choose Your Battles
Confronting and defending every offense can be exhausting. Find a balance of when to confront issues and when to let other things slide. This does not mean you agree with the offense; instead, it can be a form of self-preservation.
6. Utilize Healthy Communication Skills
Instead of saying “You made me feel this way,” try saying, “I felt this way when…” These kinds of “I” statements diffuse defensive responses and provide an opportunity for the person to listen. Set boundaries when communicating, such as no yelling, name-calling, or bringing up past events.
7. Increase Emotional Wellness
Increasing self-esteem can provide empowerment and reassurance for yourself that you are making healthy choices. It can also aid in discovering and establishing your true self.
8. Limit Disclosures
There is no obligation to share every detail with your parents. It is OK to limit what you disclose in order to avoid unsolicited advice, berating of choices, or negative feedback. Limiting disclosures will help keep a desired level of privacy while maintaining a relationship.
9. Know Your limits
Similar to setting boundaries, work on being aware of when you have endured enough and have an exit strategy ready. Giving yourself permission to leave or step away helps reinforce that your feelings and self-worth are important.
How Therapy Can Help People Impacted by Controlling Parents
Therapeutic options for struggles related to controlling parents include individual, group, or family therapy. Each provides a safe space to gain knowledge and insight into ways to cope with the effects of controlling parents. Therapy also provides an opportunity to learn more about mental health diagnoses, communication skills, coping skills, setting healthy boundaries, developing healthy relationships, and increasing emotional distress tolerance.
Choosing a therapist can seem like a daunting decision, but there are resources available to help the process along. For example, you might start your search on an online directory where you can compare expertise, cost, location, and more.
Final Thoughts on Controlling Parents
Acknowledging our struggles can be difficult, but we do not have to struggle alone or in silence. There is strength in reaching out for help. Talking to a therapist, trusted friend or family member, or support group can help alleviate struggles associated with controlling parents. Remember, your pain is valid and worthy of healing.
For Further Reading
Infographics About Controlling Parents
