Having controlling parents can shape your life in ways that extend far beyond childhood. Parents who constantly dictate your choices, demand obedience, or undermine your independence can create an environment where it’s challenging to feel confident, capable, or free to be yourself. These behaviors can impact how you approach relationships, make decisions, and handle everyday problems.
Recognizing the signs of controlling parenting is the first step in understanding how it affects you and in taking back control of your own life. Whether you’re dealing with overt behaviors like harsh punishments or more subtle forms of control like guilt or conditional love, learning to identify these signs can help you set boundaries, build healthier relationships, and reclaim your sense of self.
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21 Signs of Controlling Parents
Understanding the signs of controlling behavior in parents can help you understand the dynamics at play and consider how to set healthier boundaries to protect your well-being. Whether the control is overt, such as harsh punishment, or more covert, like emotional manipulation or gaslighting, understanding these behaviors is the first step in navigating and improving these relationships.1, 3
Here are twenty-one signs of controlling parents:
- Using harsh punishment and coercive discipline: Controlling parents enforce control with harsh punishments or coercive tactics that do not match the severity of the child’s behavior.
- Gaslighting: They emotionally manipulate their child’s perception of reality by denying events, minimizing the child’s experiences, or making them question their memory and sanity.
- Offering conditional love: Controlling parents give love and affection conditionally, often based on achievements like getting straight As at school, rather than being unconditional.
- Threatening abandonment or withdrawal of support: They use threats of withdrawing support, whether emotional, financial, or physical (like kicking them out of the house), to control the child’s behavior or decisions.
- Discouraging independence: Controlling parents discourage their child’s efforts to make decisions independently, insisting on making all the important choices for them.
- Interfering in all aspects of life: They try to dictate all aspects of their child’s life, such as academic decisions, career choices, and social interactions, discouraging independence and personal decision-making.
- Demanding blind obedience and conformity: They require absolute obedience and conformity, often justifying their rules with phrases like “because I said so” and not allowing their children to participate in or question these decisions.
- Invalidating feelings: Controlling parents dismiss or belittle their child’s emotions, telling them they’re overreacting or that their feelings are wrong, undermining the child’s emotional development and self-trust.
- Manipulating with guilt: Controlling parents often use guilt-tripping as a tactic to manipulate their child’s behavior or decisions by making them feel responsible for the parent’s emotional well-being or happiness.
- Showing a lack of empathy and respect: They fail to provide empathy or show respect to their children, often disregarding their emotions or experiences.
- Creating dependency: Controlling parents discourage or prevent their children from developing skills or gaining experiences that foster independence, such as learning to drive, getting a job, or managing money.
- Imposing excessive rules and arbitrary control: They maintain numerous strict rules and may create new ones arbitrarily to increase their control over the child’s life.
- Over-monitoring or using surveillance: They excessively monitor their children’s activities, such as reading their messages, tracking their location, or constantly checking their social media, which can feel invasive and undermine trust.
- Eliminating or allowing little privacy: Controlling parents expect full transparency from their children, leaving them with little to no privacy.
- Failing to appreciate individuality: They provide little space for their children to form their own viewpoints, beliefs, sense of style, or aspirations.
- Setting unattainable or perfectionist standards: They may set unrealistically high expectations for their children to overachieve in various areas, such as academics, sports, clubs, and social or family obligations.
- Over-involving themselves in social relationships: Controlling parents try to dictate or excessively influence their child’s friendships or romantic relationships, creating tension in social connections.
- Criticizing appearance or personal choices: They frequently comment on or criticize their child’s appearance, clothing choices, or other personal decisions, undermining the child’s self-esteem and self-expression.
- Insisting on being always right: Controlling parents insist their viewpoint is the only correct one and dismiss any disagreement or differing opinion.
- Giving negative criticism: Instead of positive feedback, they frequently use negative expressions like disappointment or shame and criticize nearly every decision their child makes.
- Enforcing rigid gender roles or cultural expectations: They impose strict or outdated beliefs regarding gender roles, cultural practices, or religious expectations, limiting the child’s freedom to explore their own identity.
Effects of Being Raised By Controlling Parents
Being raised by controlling parents can have a deep impact on a child’s emotional and psychological development, as well as how they relate to others throughout their life. Controlling parents might set strict rules, constantly supervise, or frequently criticize, often thinking they’re protecting or guiding their child. But this type of parenting can create several challenges for the child, both in childhood and adulthood.2, 4, 5
While parents may be controlling out of a desire to protect or guide, the impact on the child can be detrimental in several ways:
- Low self-esteem: When a parent constantly criticizes or micromanages a child’s choices, the child can end up feeling like they’re not good enough or that their thoughts and feelings don’t matter. Over time, this can lead to persistent insecurity and self-doubt, which might carry over into adult relationships and everyday interactions.
- Difficulty making decisions & being independent: Growing up without much opportunity to make choices can leave you feeling afraid to make even small decisions, causing anxiety or hesitation. As an adult, you may become overly dependent on others for guidance because you feel unclear about your own beliefs, goals, or desires because you were never given the space to explore them.
- Higher levels of anxiety and perfectionism: Living under constant pressure to meet high expectations can cause a lot of anxiety. You might find yourself always worrying about being imperfect or getting criticized. This fear can lead to perfectionism, where you feel you have to achieve unrealistic standards to feel accepted or valued.
- Rebellion or people-pleasing: Children respond to controlling parenting in different ways. Some might rebel as a way of pushing back against the control they felt growing up. This could look like defiance, risk-taking, or a negative attitude toward authority. Others might go the opposite route, becoming very passive and people-pleasing, often suppressing their own opinions or needs to avoid conflict.
- Struggling with boundaries in relationships: If you grew up with parents who didn’t respect your boundaries, you might find it tough to set and maintain healthy boundaries with others. You might struggle to say “no,” assert yourself, or even recognize when someone is crossing a line.
- Trouble with trust and intimacy: Controlling parenting can make it hard to trust others. You may have learned early on that love comes with strings attached, which can make it challenging to feel safe in intimate relationships. As an adult, you might struggle with trusting others or worry that people will try to control or manipulate you, leading to trust issues.
- Reduced resilience: If your parents constantly tried to protect you from failure or shield you from making mistakes, you might not have developed strong coping skills. As an adult, you might find it hard to handle stress, adapt to change, or deal with life’s ups and downs because you weren’t given the chance to build resilience as a child.
- Feelings of anger and resentment: Growing up with controlling parents can lead to a lot of pent-up anger and resentment. You might feel angry about being controlled or manipulated or frustrated that you weren’t allowed to develop your own identity. If these feelings aren’t addressed, they can cause ongoing conflicts with authority figures or loved ones.
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How to Deal With Controlling Parents in Adulthood
Coping with controlling parents as an adult can be challenging and emotionally draining. However, with patience, consistency, and realistic expectations, it is possible to make healthy changes that prioritize your emotional well-being. This process involves understanding your parents’ behavior, setting boundaries, and finding supportive ways to maintain your own mental health.
Free Worksheets for Dealing With an Unhealthy Parent
Here are thirteen strategies and worksheets for dealing with controlling parents:
1. Acknowledge & Accept the Problem
The first step in dealing with controlling parents is to acknowledge the problem. This means recognizing that their behavior is affecting you and understanding how it impacts your emotional well-being. For instance, you might notice that you feel anxious every time your parents call or dread family gatherings because of their critical remarks. By naming these behaviors and their effects on you, you validate your experience and create a foundation for change. It’s the first step because it shifts your focus from trying to change your parents to understanding your own needs and boundaries.
2. Set & Stick to Your Boundaries
Setting boundaries is essential when dealing with controlling parents. Boundaries are limits you establish to protect your emotional and mental well-being. Start by clearly identifying what behaviors you find unacceptable and how they affect you. For example, if your parent constantly checks in on you in a way that feels intrusive, you might say, “I appreciate that you care about me, but I need you to trust that I’m capable of handling things on my own. Let’s agree to talk once a week instead of daily.”
Setting boundaries isn’t just about stating what you need; it’s about being prepared to follow through if those boundaries are violated. For instance, if your parent continues to call you multiple times a day despite your request, you might decide to silence their calls or let them go to voicemail. Remember, boundaries are not about changing your parents but about protecting your own emotional health and creating a healthier dynamic.
3. Set Realistic Expectations
It’s important to set realistic expectations for your relationship with your parents. Accept that they may never fully change their behavior, and focus on what you can realistically expect from them. This could mean understanding that they may not respect every boundary you set, but you still have the right to enforce those boundaries. By managing your expectations, you can reduce disappointment and frustration and focus on what is within your control.
4. Build a Support System
When your parents are controlling, it can feel like there is a gap where supportive, nurturing relationships should be. Building a support system is crucial because it fills this gap, providing the validation, encouragement, and understanding you may not receive from your parents. A strong support network can help you feel less isolated, boost your confidence, and offer guidance as you navigate difficult family dynamics.
Building a support system can look like several things:
- Reaching out to friends or family members: Having people in your life who genuinely listen and support your choices can provide comfort and reassurance. For example, confiding in a trusted friend after a tough conversation with your parents can help you feel validated and offer a different perspective.
- Joining a support group: Being part of a group of people who have experienced similar family dynamics, whether online or in person, offers a sense of community and understanding. It allows you to share experiences, gain insights, and find strength in knowing others face similar challenges.
- Working with a therapist: Therapy can offer a safe space to explore your feelings and understand the impact of your parents’ behavior. A therapist can provide guidance on how to set boundaries, communicate more effectively, and strengthen your sense of self-worth. This professional support is especially helpful when dealing with complex or deeply rooted family issues.
- Participating in activities that align with your interests: Engaging in activities you enjoy can create new opportunities for connection. Book clubs, sports teams, or volunteer organizations provide a positive outlet for stress and help you build relationships based on shared interests.
5. Reframe Negative Thoughts
Controlling parents can trigger negative thought patterns, such as self-doubt or feelings of inadequacy. Practice reframing these thoughts by challenging their validity and replacing them with more balanced perspectives. For example, if you catch yourself thinking, “I must be wrong if my parents disagree with me,” reframe it to, “I am allowed to have my own opinions, even if they are different from my parents’.” Cognitive reframing helps you build a healthier self-image and reduces the emotional impact of your parent’s behavior.
6. Prioritize Self-Care
Prioritizing self-care is crucial when managing stress and maintaining emotional balance. Engage in regular activities that nourish your mind and body, such as exercise, meditation, hobbies, or spending time with positive people. For example, after a difficult interaction with your parents, you might practice deep breathing, go for a run, or read a favorite book to decompress. Consistent self-care helps build resilience against the emotional strain of dealing with controlling parents.
Would You Like to Try Therapy?
Most people (76%) who try therapy have a positive experience! Stat Source BetterHelp has over 30,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $65 per week and is FSA/HSA eligible by most providers. Take a free online assessment and get matched with the right therapist for you.
7. Plan for Triggering Situations
Prepare for situations you know may be triggering, such as family gatherings or one-on-one conversations. Before engaging, think about potential triggers and rehearse how you will respond. For example, if you anticipate a critical comment about your lifestyle choices, plan to respond calmly or change the subject. Having a plan in place can help you stay composed and feel more prepared for difficult interactions.
8. Create Space to Process Your Emotions
It’s important to take time to process your emotions away from the influence of your parents. This might mean limiting the time you spend with them, stepping away from a heated conversation, or taking a break after a difficult interaction. For example, if a visit with your parents leaves you feeling frustrated or drained, plan to engage in an activity that helps you decompress, like taking a walk, practicing mindfulness, or writing in a journal.
Creating space gives you the chance to reflect on your feelings and identify what you need to feel more balanced. It’s not about cutting off contact but about allowing yourself the time and space to understand your emotions and what steps you need to take next.
9. Choose Your Battles
Decide which issues are worth addressing and which ones you can let go of. It’s natural to want to defend yourself against every criticism or demand, but this can be exhausting and lead to more conflict. Instead, focus on what truly matters to you. For example, you might choose to address a comment that directly undermines your autonomy, like a parent criticizing your career choice, while letting go of smaller, less impactful remarks.
10. Utilize Healthy Communication Skills
Effective communication is key to managing your relationship with controlling parents. Using “I” statements helps express your feelings without triggering defensiveness. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel unheard when my opinions are dismissed.” This approach is less likely to provoke a defensive response and more likely to lead to a constructive conversation.
Additionally, set clear guidelines for how you communicate. Let your parents know that you will not engage in conversations that involve yelling, name-calling, or rehashing old arguments. These guidelines create a safer and more respectful space for both parties to express themselves.
11. Practice Self-Compassion
Recognize that dealing with controlling parents can be emotionally exhausting, and it’s okay to feel frustrated, sad, or angry. Practice self-compassion by treating yourself with kindness and understanding, just as you would a close friend. Remind yourself that it’s normal to have complex emotions in response to difficult family dynamics. For example, when you feel guilty or ashamed after setting a boundary, remind yourself that prioritizing your well-being is not selfish but necessary.
12. Limit Disclosures
You have the right to decide what personal information you share with your parents. If sharing certain details leads to unwanted advice or criticism, it’s okay to keep those topics to yourself. For example, if your parent tends to offer unsolicited opinions about your romantic relationships, you might choose not to share details about your dating life. Limiting disclosures isn’t about secrecy; it’s about maintaining your privacy and protecting yourself from unnecessary stress.
13. Know Your Limits
Understanding your limits means recognizing when you’ve had enough and need to step back. It’s important to have an exit strategy in place for when you feel overwhelmed, whether that’s ending a phone call, leaving a visit early, or taking a break from communication altogether. For instance, if a conversation becomes too heated, you might say, “I need to step away for now. Let’s continue this discussion later when we’re both calmer.”
Knowing your limits and honoring them reinforces the idea that your feelings matter and that you have the right to protect your emotional well-being. It’s not about avoiding conflict but about preserving your peace of mind.
When to Seek Professional Support
If dealing with controlling parents feels overwhelming or is negatively affecting your emotional well-being, seeking professional support can be a valuable step. Therapy offers a safe, non-judgmental space where you can explore your feelings, understand family dynamics, and learn effective strategies to navigate these relationships.
Start by looking at an online therapist directory, where you can filter options based on expertise, cost, location, and type of therapy offered. This allows you to find a professional who aligns with your needs and preferences. Alternatively, online therapy services can match you with a licensed therapist who specializes in family dynamics, boundary-setting, and emotional resilience. Online-Therapy.com specializes in cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), which is highly effective for managing anxiety, self-esteem issues, and emotional distress that often result from growing up with controlling parents.
In My Experience
“Acknowledging our struggles can be difficult, but we do not have to struggle alone or in silence. There is strength in reaching out for help. Talking to a therapist, trusted friend or family member, or support group can help alleviate struggles associated with controlling parents. Remember, your pain is valid and worthy of healing.”
Controlling Parents Infographics
Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.
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León-Del-Barco, B., et al. (2019). Parental Psychological Control and Emotional and Behavioral Disorders among Spanish Adolescents. International journal of environmental research and public health, 16(3), 507. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph16030507
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Kouros, C. D., et al. (2017). Helicopter Parenting, Autonomy Support, and College Students’ Mental Health and Well-being: The Moderating Role of Sex and Ethnicity. Journal of child and family studies, 26, 939–949. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-016-0614-3
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Liga, F., et al. (2017). Associations among psychologically controlling parenting, autonomy, relatedness, and problem behaviors during emerging adulthood. The Journal of psychology, 151(4), 393-415.
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Cui, L., et al. (2014). Parental Psychological Control and Adolescent Adjustment: The Role of Adolescent Emotion Regulation. Parenting, science and practice, 14(1), 47–67. https://doi.org/10.1080/15295192.2014.880018
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Perez, C. M., et al. (2020). Overparenting and Emerging Adults’ Mental Health: The Mediating Role of Emotional Distress Tolerance. Journal of Child & Family Studies, 29(2), 374–381. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-019-01603-5
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Author: Ashley Stuck, LCSW (No Change)
Reviewer: Pat F Bass III, MD, MS, MPH (No Change)
Primary Changes: Fact-checked and edited for improved readability and clarity.
Author: Ashley Stuck, LCSW (No Change)
Reviewer: Pat F Bass III, MD, MS, MPH (No Change)
Primary Changes: Fact-checked and edited for improved readability and clarity.
Author: Ashley Stuck, LCSW
Reviewer: Pat F Bass III, MD, MS, MPH
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