7 Signs of Toxic Grandparents & How to Deal With Them

What Is a Toxic Grandparent?

Toxic grandparent-grandchild relationships develop when grandchildren experience significant stress when they are around their grandparents, or when grandparents fail to protect their children from a stressful environment.¹ Toxic relationships can affect anyone—romantic partners, friends, siblings, parents and their children, and even other grandparents and their grandchildren.

These relationships—whether between a grandparent and a grandchild, or between the grandparent and the grandchild’s parents—tend to exhibit a pattern of negativity. The grandparent causes harm in some way, whether purposeful or not. Sometimes this involves  physical or emotional abuse, or they may engage in behaviors that can leave the grandchild or their parent feeling sad and confused by the relationship.

7 Signs of a Toxic Grandparent

Toxic grandparents typically fail to provide their grandchildren with love, warmth, nurturance, understanding, protection, appropriate modeling, and teaching opportunities. They may play favorites, pit their grandchildren against one another, use harsh punishment, cross boundaries, or set inappropriate ones. Moreover, toxic grandparents may talk to a grandchild about stressful things, like dysfunctional family dynamics or money problems. In these cases, a child is too young to hear about these adult worries and doesn’t have the power to solve the problems.

Here are seven signs of a toxic grandparent:

1. They Struggle With Boundaries

Toxic grandparents may set inappropriate boundaries or overstep ones that have been set, likely by the grandchild’s parents. They may call excessively, drop by unannounced, or circumvent rules the parents have set to protect the child. No matter how it happens, these instances of boundary crossing are hurtful, and threaten the child’s ability to have a healthy relationship with their grandparents. Other ways of crossing boundaries could mean asking personal questions, snooping, or giving unwanted gifts, and expecting the grandchild to wear the gifts or use them even when the grandchild didn’t want them.

2. They’re Verbally & Emotionally Abusive

Toxic grandparents may also be verbally or emotionally abusive toward their grandchildren. This may look like belittling by calling them annoying nicknames, humiliating them in public, or using emotional manipulation to get what they want. Though there’s no physical evidence of this type of abuse, it’s harmful nonetheless.

3. They’re Jealous of Other Relationships

Toxic grandparents may feel jealous when their grandchildren develop close relationships with other people, particularly family members. They may perceive these relationships as threats to their own. In some cases, they may resort to unhealthy behaviors to feel closer, like using manipulation tactics. In extreme cases, they may try to sabotage the relationships, so they no longer feel threatened.

4. They’re Narcissistic

Some grandparents expect the whole family to excessively praise them, and they crave constant admiration for being a rock of the family. Other types of narcissistic grandparents always crave and expect pity for how much they sacrificed for their ungrateful family.

5. They Create Familial Divide

Toxic grandparents may play favorites, pit grandchildren against one another, and deliberately create rifts between grandchildren and other family members. Grandparents may favor the child who most resembles them, or might not like a child if the grandparents didn’t get along with them or either of their parents.

6. They Use Harsh Punishment

Healthy discipline may sometimes be used by grandparents in a family dynamic. However, toxic grandparents often resort to harsh forms of punishment that are more dangerous and severe than warranted or appropriate. For example, a toxic grandparent may put a child in an isolated and lengthy time-out for not completing their chores. Harsh punishment might also be verbal and emotional (e.g., a grandparent who refuses to speak to a grandchild who forgets to call them on their birthday).

While rare, toxic grandparents may be physically abusive, resorting to violent acts like hitting, kicking, or choking their grandchildren. In turn, children often develop fear, anxiety, and anger about this treatment and the perpetrator. While some grandparents believe that violence is a way to “teach” children, violence has severe emotional and physical consequences on children and negatively affects any relationship.

7. They’re Sexually Inappropriate

Another sign of a toxic grandparent is sexual inappropriateness with a grandchild. This could involve sexual acts or discussions, emotional incest, molestation, or exposing their grandchildren to inappropriate sexual content. All of these behaviors are considered sexual abuse and are most often perpetrated by male grandparents toward female grandchildren.² For example, some types of dementia cause people to say inappropriate things they wouldn’t have said otherwise.

Effects of Toxic Grandparents

The actions of toxic grandparents can have unwanted effects on children throughout their lifespan. These impacts can result in attachment and trust issues, mental health disorders such as childhood anxiety and depression, or drug and alcohol use. These issues may start when the grandchild is young and carry into adulthood, or they may result from toxic interactions between a grandparent and an adult grandchild.

Effects of toxic grandparents may include:

• Low self-esteem
• Insecure attachment
• Family stress and conflict
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• Difficulty managing emotions
• Suicide attempts
• Drug and alcohol use
• Physical health problems

How to Deal With Toxic Grandparents

Dealing with a toxic grandparent can be difficult, and your strategy to do so may differ depending on your age and the context (whether you’re living together, whether the grandparent is healthy, etc.). You may try to develop a healthier relationship by setting boundaries, managing expectations, or practicing acceptance. In more severe cases, you may choose to cut off contact altogether. However you move forward, it’s important you consider prioritizing doing what’s best and healthiest for you.

Here are some tips for dealing with a toxic grandparent:

Set Boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries with a toxic grandparent can help you regain a sense of control in your relationship, and communicate clearly behaviors are and aren’t okay. State clearly what your boundary is. For instance, to a grandparent who comes over unannounced, say, “I need you to ask me if you can come over, rather than showing up without notice”. It can be helpful to reinforce why this boundary is in everyone’s best interest. Try adding, “If I know you’re coming over, it will help me organize my day, so that I can give you all my attention.”

Stop Trying to Meet (or Exceed) Their Expectations

You may have put effort into meeting your toxic grandparent’s expectations over the years. This may include actions such as doing things their way, or staying quiet when you wish you could speak your mind. One way to deal with a toxic grandparent is to drop the rope on trying to meet their expectations. Instead, focus on what you want and need to do. If they expect you to come to every doctor’s appointment with them, be realistic with yourself about what you’re actually capable of and willing to do. Be sure to communicate this to them.

Practice Self-Care

Having toxic grandparents can take an emotional toll on you. Practicing self-care is essential for dealing with any stress in your life. Make a conscious effort to do at least one healthy activity for yourself every day to alleviate stress, such as setting designated non-tech time, journaling, or practicing meditation or mindfulness.

Consider the Reasons

While understanding the rationale behind your grandparent’s toxic behavior won’t change it, this strategy can help you contextualize their actions and build empathy for them. This will make coping with the relationship easier.

Ask yourself questions such as:

• What generational factors led my grandparent to behave this way?
• What might they be dealing with today that’s put them in this mood?
• Who might I remind my grandparents of?
• What about me might threaten my grandparent?

Avoid Them When Possible & Effective

When possible and practical, it may be helpful to find opportunities to avoid your toxic grandparent. If they show up unannounced, consider saying something like, “I was just on my way out to run a few errands”, to find some space. Getting distance helps reduce time spent interacting, and thus time you spend suffering.

Maintain Self-Respect

It might be tempting to sink to your toxic grandparent’s level, so it can be helpful to consider what behaviors you’ll want to avoid engaging in to maintain your sense of self-respect. Examples of this include talking badly about your grandparents to other family members, or insulting and snapping at them. Make a plan for when you have urges to engage in these behaviors. Asking yourself, What will I do when I have the urge to snap back? may yield a response such as, I’ll take a deep breath and walk away.

Practice Acceptance

While change might be what you want from your grandparents, it’s possible that’s not what you will get. Practicing acceptance of them and of your relationship is another way of coping. Keep in mind that acceptance isn’t approval. Acceptance means seeing reality for what it is, and trying to let go of grudges, willfulness, and resentment. One way to practice acceptance is to change your body posture to reflect a more accepting stance. If thinking about or seeing your grandparent makes your jaw clench, relax your jaw. Rather than crossing your arms or balling your fists when a grandparent is visiting, gently open your hands and flip them up toward the sky.

You may also practice acceptance by replacing the word “should” in your vocabulary with phrases of wish or desire. Rather than, My grandparent really shouldn’t be telling me who I can and can’t marry, rephrase that as, I wish my grandparent didn’t tell me who I can and can’t marry.

Reinforce Progress

While you may not be able to change your grandparent’s behavior, you can reinforce any signs of progress—no matter how small. If your grandparent normally makes comments about your weight, but doesn’t say anything today, express sincere gratitude by saying, “It means a lot to me that you haven’t made any comments about my appearance.” Reinforcing wanted behavior is an effective way you can decrease the likelihood of negative behavior happening again in the future.

When is Therapy Helpful?

If coping with your toxic grandparent is becoming overwhelming, frustrating, interfering with your relationships, or causing you emotional distress, it may be time to seek the support of a professional. A therapist can be particularly helpful if you panic when thinking about upcoming interactions with your grandparent, you have PTSD symptoms, you feel helpless, or you notice self-esteem and self-compassion decreasing.

It can be particularly helpful to explore these issues in individual therapy. When looking for a therapist, consider working with a provider who has a strong understanding of extended family dynamics, abuse, intergenerational trauma, or any other concepts that are relevant to your experience. Family therapy with your grandparent (and occasionally other family members) may also be helpful, but only if the grandparent is willing to build awareness of their behavior and is motivated to make changes. Using an online therapist directory can help simplify the process of finding an individual or family therapist.

Final Thoughts

Having a toxic grandparent can be tough, and even traumatic. However, there are ways to cope, reduce your suffering, and move forward in the relationship if that’s what you choose is best for you.