Intimacy is the willingness to show oneself accurately—the good and the bad—within the context of a close relationship. It is independent of reciprocation. Intimacy can be achieved with friends, family, and romantic partners. Fear of intimacy, also called intimacy avoidance or avoidance anxiety, typically results in either emotional cutoff or chaotic closeness.
Types of Intimacy
Intimacy is commonly described as based on the context in which it occurs, including physical intimacy, sexual intimacy, spiritual intimacy, intellectual intimacy, etc.
The following are definitions of common types of intimacy:
- Physical Intimacy:This phrase is regularly used when people are uncomfortable saying “sex.” More precisely, it is meant as the affection experienced from a caress, holding hands, tender hugs, and cuddling.
- Sexual Intimacy: What is usually implied by the term is the connection gained through sharing the sexual experience with another. These two words rarely belong together, however, as most sex is not intimate, even in committed relationships.
- Spiritual Intimacy: Obtained from expressing higher-order values and ideas, such as those related to religion, mindfulness, growth, and existential meaning. There is usually some cohesion on these topics at the outset of a relationship.
- Intellectual Intimacy: The sharing of beliefs and viewpoints. Typically implied is an expectation or demand that this practice should remain conflict free if it is to qualify as intimacy; although, sharing that prohibits conflict and demands acceptance is rarely ever an indicator of intimacy.
- Emotional Intimacy: Typically described as the sharing of feelings, dreams, desires, and wishes. There is usually an unspoken demand that what is shared must be validated then followed by a reciprocation of disclosure of equal or higher value.
- Work Intimacy: The connection gained through shared tasks such as mowing the lawn or housework.
- Experiential Intimacy: Connection gained through mutual enjoyment that is centered around recreational activities.
While the concepts above can be extensions of intimacy, most often, they are simply frameworks for agreement, validation, and compatibility. If you concur regarding the management of your checkbook (“financial intimacy”), what movies you like to see together (“experiential intimacy”), or have sorted out the discrepancy between one partner liking to hold hands in public and the other acquiescing despite being uncomfortable (“physical intimacy”), then you have made some really great agreements in your relationship. Agreements are helpful for making decisions about whether to advance, stay, or leave a relationship; but they’re not intimacy.
People in a truly intimate relationship won’t derive intimacy merely from experiences, sex, touch, or other function. They don’t need agreement on every level or every domain. They don’t find it invalidating when their partner has different beliefs or preferences. Quite the contrary, those differences might be appealing, provided it isn’t a fundamental incompatibility. People who have the ability to truly be intimate can be so in any context – work, physical, sexual, emotional, etc. – at their discretion, with people of their choosing, and within the appropriate boundaries of that relationship.
The Two Types of Intimacy
There are two types of intimacy: other-validated intimacy and self-validated intimacy. Other-validated intimacy tends to be more dangerous and can lead to toxic relationships.
Other-Validated Intimacy (The Dangerous Kind)
This is intimacy that is derived as a function of someone else. This type of intimacy relies on the other person providing acceptance, validation, and reciprocity of disclosure, e.g., “I’ll be vulnerable if you are. I’d also prefer it if you go first, please.” If these components are not guaranteed, then intimacy is replaced by pseudo-intimacy, which is unconvincing, and can result in feeling as though a fraud or disconnected. And particularly dangerous is that when one finds their intimacy through someone else’s validation, they are left lost and in chaos, or saddened and feeling alone, when the validation inevitably stops.
As an example, a most common construction of other-validated intimacy is as follows:
Tom and Cindy have been together for about six months. Their sex life is adequate, but Tom has been bored for months.
Tom asks, “So what do you really like in bed,” which usually means, “I know perfectly well what I like, and I want to know if she likes what I like, but I don’t want to say it first. Hopefully she says the thing I’m thinking.”
Cindy answers, sheepishly, and he meters his response accordingly. “Okay, she said she likes X in bed. X isn’t at all as ‘weird’ as the ‘weird’ thing I like. I’ll say I like X, too, even though I don’t, so she doesn’t feel rejected. Maybe I’ll add a thing I think is within her framework of not-weird so I look vulnerable. I sure wish she said the thing I like, though.”
This is one example of why sex and intimacy are rarely the same, even in committed, monogamous relationships. Rarely are people fully transparent or willing to be truly seen in the bedroom. Some like to put on a show, modeling their behavior after something seen in pornography. Some fake orgasms (men do this too, by the way). Some are so consumed with themselves and their appearance that they’re barely present. Others can’t tolerate being viewed naked by their partner, even in the most delicate light of candle. Maybe someone might take erectile-dysfunction medication unbeknownst to their partner. A lot of people engage in chore-like sex they simply don’t want but pretend everything is fine.
On the one hand, other-validated intimacy is logical, because it is self-preservational. Why would anyone expose themselves if it won’t be reciprocated, validated, or approved? On the other hand, it creates obvious restraints on true intimacy: When you condition your willingness for intimacy on someone else, you become captive to their validation. You present a facade of yourself rather than disclose who you really are, leaving you left in the unsatisfying state of being unseen by someone you love.
Self-Validated Intimacy (The Riskier, Most Difficult Kind)
In this type of intimacy, we are able to validate for ourselves our thoughts, beliefs, and feelings, and when we share them, we share them confidently. We share ourselves accurately and without any expectation or demand for acceptance. We hope it will be well-received and that the sharing is mutual, but we don’t condition our quest for intimacy on someone else’s response.
Using the above example, let’s consider a self-validated exchange:
Tom doesn’t wait for months to broach a conversation around a dissatisfying sex life. He didn’t dance around the subject either. Tom doesn’t need Cindy’s approval or validation as a requisite for him to show himself accurately. He’s into what he’s into, and if Cindy thinks it’s weird or gross, well, maybe she says “no” and he’s embarrassed, but he can live with it. And he’s not going to adjust his level of intimacy, pull back, or leave the relationship as a function of her response. If this sexual issue is extremely important to him, he might confront himself regarding whether this is the right person for him, and she might engage in her own self-confrontation on the subject. But everyone has an accurate view of the picture.
Regardless of the outcome, it’s clear he took a risk, and Cindy can see that. And while he isn’t demanding reciprocity, that she must now tell him something she’s into to minimize his own embarrassment, Cindy sees that risk-taking is acceptable within this relationship. It may not happen immediately, but by Tom tackling his anxiety around uncomfortable disclosures, he has demonstrated his willingness to be vulnerable, and hopefully Cindy wants to be vulnerable at some point in the future, too.
Why doesn’t everyone just do this? It’s risky! There is no guarantee of acceptance. Partners have every right to not be happy about a new disclosure, but conditioning your willingness to be intimate on your partner’s validation and their acceptance isn’t intimacy. Their approval is not why you choose to be intimate. But people who want real intimacy want to be loved accurately for who they are and not for who they aren’t.
And remember that intimacy is about showing yourself accurately to people who are important to you. It’s not intimacy to reveal yourself accurately to someone you don’t care about, or a one-night stand whose name you won’t remember tomorrow. Who cares if they reject you in that case? The risk is revealing yourself to someone whom you care about.
Differentiation & Intimacy
A person’s tolerance for intimacy is a direct function of their level of differentiation. Differentiation, which extends from Bowenian Family Systems Theory, is reflective of the ability to be separate and at the same time together with another person in a close relationship. A person of high differentiation can maintain their sense of self and identity both in the presence and the absence of their partner or loved one. It’s about interdependence rather than independence and codependence. It’s about being intimate with oneself as well as another person.
When levels of differentiation are low, intimacy suffers, and this is usually expressed in two ways:
1. Cut-Off
This is when two people may be together but not so that you’d know, because emotionally they are very far apart. Cut-off can be quite literal, like moving across the country to get away from parents or taking a job that keeps you out of the home for extended periods of time.
2. Fusion
You can’t tell these two people apart. One person is in crisis, the other is in crisis. Their emotions are entangled and completely codependent. Intimacy cannot exist in this combination because the desire for homeostasis and approval is too strong. This is the most common orientation people experience, to varying degrees, as humans are born undifferentiated from their loved ones. Babies are fundamentally reliant on someone else to provide their emotional well-being and their ability to thrive, and this undifferentiated stance carries on into adulthood, except in the rare case of being born to parents who have actively worked to improve their personal growth and level of differentiation.
In nearly all cases where long-term relationships are concerned, you can bet that your ability to tolerate intimacy is about the same as your partner’s. Once the lust wears off, people will be repelled by those who have a higher or lower ability to tolerate intimacy than they do, and that pairing won’t last unless there’s some external factor in the mix, such as financial incentive. So while it might appear like you’re functioning at a higher tolerance for intimacy than your partner, the chances are better that you’re both pretty similar, it may just appear differently within each individual.
Differentiation-based couples therapy can make the process of increasing differentiation mutual; however, couples therapy isn’t always feasible, and differentiation-work takes place just as well in individual therapy. As we work on our level of differentiation, often we bring our partner with us, as it tends to be contagious when one partner sees the other experiencing the self-satisfaction of expressing themselves accurately, engaging with problems rather than avoiding them, and feeling more content with themselves within their relationship.
It’s not guaranteed, however, that the partner will want to grow. This can sometimes mean the person willing to tackle their personal growth then grows themselves out of the relationship, because they want a partner who is also willing to make an effort with regard to intimacy. The person trying to improve starts to feel like, “There’s only so long I’m willing to put in all the work.”
Causes of Fear of Intimacy
Fear of intimacy, with our more nuanced definition and what it entails, means that having some fear is normal, since being intimate challenges anxiety and requires self-validation. If intimacy weren’t scary, everyone would be in wonderfully intimate relationships because they would be easy to achieve.
Some specific fears around intimacy can extend from the non-exhaustive list of the following:
Fear of Being Seen
It can be scary to show oneself accurately because the risk is high and there’s no guarantee of acceptance. This is completely non-pathological, and might even be logical in terms of risk-reward. People with this fear will likely show just the “good parts” of themselves. The price, however, is the knowledge that the validation they receive is inauthentic, and thereby unsatisfying. It can often be a subtle factor in cheating within committed relationships.
Fear of Abandonment
This fear, while similar to the fear of being seen, is a bit more clinical. This fear can extend from deep childhood wounds. There is a sense that the person you love could leave at any time, for very little reason, and one’s avoidance of closeness can kick in as a way to cope. This fear is not a sole indicator but can be a hallmark of someone with borderline personality disorder. It typically results in a more chaotic search for intimacy.
Fear of Annihilation
The fear that if I reveal myself, I lose myself. This fear is that in being vulnerable, I will lose control of who I am. It’s that I’m giving too much of myself to someone else, and that’s frightening.
Fear of Retaliation
The fear that if I am vulnerable, those disclosures might somehow be used against me or disseminated to others. Some personality disorders also hover around this fear, such as paranoid personality disorder.
Fear of Rejection
For some, the fear of rejection prohibits self-validation and thereby inhibits the ability to be intimate. On a clinical level, individuals with avoidant personality disorder tend to crave intimate relationships, but their fear of rejection will prevent true intimacy. They may consider themselves not good enough if seen accurately for who they are, and instead construct a persona they feel will be validated, or reveal only elements of themselves sure to be approved. The problem is that this is an unsuccessful strategy because the love they receive will feel unearned and inauthentic, as though perpetrating a fraud.
Modeling
A person’s level of differentiation and therefore tolerance for intimacy is largely a function of modeling in childhood and adolescence.
Trauma
The nature of certain traumatic experiences can render intimacy either craved in any capacity or completely repellent. How someone responds to trauma is unique even within the same set of circumstances.
Some people may not have intimacy avoidance or fear, but instead may find it truly unwanted or uninteresting, and not long for it to be otherwise. Such is the case with individuals who have schizoid personality disorder. It’s a misconception that people with this disorder are reclusive loners with no interest in relationships or close connection with others. That describes some individuals who present overtly with the disorder. The covert type can tend to look a bit like people with narcissistic personality disorder, but this resemblance is an overcompensation reflecting nothing of their internal world.
Both types can crave relationships, but they will likely find the requirements needed of true intimacy to be unappealing or too uncomfortable. Unlike avoidant or borderline types, intimacy isn’t seen as something particularly valuable to those with schizoid personality disorder, and they won’t feel lost without it. They typically compensate for this unwillingness or inability by instead being good partners in other ways. They can be a match for someone who is skillful at self-validated intimacy or with someone who values partnership in ways outside the emotional realm. Their primary goal will be to meet their relationship needs without sacrificing their independence, and their independence means they place few emotional demands on their partners.
Please note that although personality disorders are discussed, fears around intimacy are not sufficient or sole criteria for diagnosis. As with any mental health concern, diagnoses should be made by a skilled, trained professional.
Relationship Signs of Fear of Intimacy
If you suspect fear of intimacy in yourself or your partner, there are clear signs to look for:
Open Relationships & Negotiated Monogamy
There are plenty of relationships that choose to be sexually open or have a negotiated monogamy agreement and that don’t belong in this category. They usually arrive at the arrangement through self-confrontation of their values and beliefs around sex, there’s a firm commitment to each other, there’s honesty, and a continued desire to nourish their relationship sexually or in other ways more important to them. Each person enters into the arrangement willingly and not out of fear of abandonment or desperation.
More often, I see a lot of couples who have entered this agreement to decrease or avoid intimacy, particularly around solving problems or acknowledging true sexual desires. They find it easier to outsource these needs to others. It can also be that the closeness of a monogamous relationship is too intimate, and others are incorporated into the sexual world to decrease the intimacy of a dyad.
Frequent, Short-Term Relationships
An inability to self-validate can mean the validation from one relationship eventually grows insufficient, leading to serial monogamy. They may need to leave to be re-validated by someone else in order to regulate how they feel about their attractiveness, worth, etc. Or they may stay, but seek validation by secretly remaining on dating apps or engaging in internet affairs.
Cheating & Affairs
When other-validation in pseudo-intimate relationships stops – it will always stop at some point, because being responsible for validating someone who can’t validate themselves is exhausting – cheating is a common strategy. Similar to open relationships, cheating can be a way of ignoring sexual problems or decreasing intimacy.
Examples of Fear of Intimacy
Fear of intimacy can manifest in a variety of ways. Here are a few examples of what this might look like in a relationship:
Alex
Alex, a 27-year-old, straight female, and her partner Greg, a 28-year-old, straight male, have been in a committed, sexually monagamous relationship for four years; however, over the last year, they have had sex twice, and neither occasion was particularly enjoyable for either of them.
It didn’t take long for Alex to get tired of the sexual routine: It’s Saturday night, she puts on her “this is the thing I wear to signal I’m okay to have sex tonight.” They kiss, there’s a few minutes of foreplay, then penetration. Done. Maybe she has an orgasm, maybe not, but she always says she does. Doesn’t want to hurt Greg’s feelings.
The challenge is between two equally unpleasant propositions: have sex she doesn’t want or reveal her true thoughts and feelings then risk conflict and emotional discomfort. Rather than face either of these challenges, the sex just stops entirely.
Alex’s struggles regarding intimacy show up in avoiding problems, shutting down in the face of anxiety, and fear of invalidating her partner. After some serious self-confrontation and some tactics for challenging her anxiety, she is able to address the issue from the frame of her role in the problem. That is, not “You’re boring me in bed,” but “I’m boring myself in bed.” Intimacy often involves taking responsibility for our role in things and not expecting others to read our mind when there are problems.
Brian
Brian, a 35-year-old, gay male and his partner Chris, a 31-year-old, gay male have been together for one year. They decided fairly early on to have a relationship with negotiated monogamy. They sorted out the parameters on equal footing and both agreed they would modify their fidelity agreement as needed.
Eventually, however, they found less and less enjoyment in having sex with each other. It ended sooner than usual. It became less frequent. They started seeing more and more partners outside of the relationship. After a short while, they started to feel more like roommates.
They decide to revisit their arrangement and get some assistance by a therapist who specializes in non-traditional relationships. With some helpful guidance, they are able to bring to light the true thoughts, feelings, and desires that weren’t transparent when the couple set out making a fidelity agreement. They discuss how fear of rejection meant they chose to be more forthcoming with strangers about their sexual interests than with each other.
Carol
Carol is a 30-year-old, lesbian female in a long-term relationship with Rebecca, a 28-year-old, bisexual female. Carol feels she and her partner have become disconnected emotionally. Carol feels misunderstood, and she has grown resentful, feeling continuously let down.
They both seek therapy, as the final straw was when they realized they had not had sex in a several months. In therapy, Carol’s contributions reveal her belief that for her, she tries to avoid conflicts at all costs because conflict means a relationship is going to end. Her intimacy avoidance is responsible for her unwillingness to express herself truly and openly, and instead, she feels a real partner should be able to magically know what she wants.
In therapy, Carol tackles her anxiety around difficult conversations and conflict so she can better take responsibility for her thoughts and feelings and express them openly.
Challenging the Fear of Intimacy
Embarking on this challenge is not easy, but once you begin to tackle these difficulties, you’ll be surprised that it’s not as hard as you think. The stress and anxiety is often overtaken by the sense of pride and accomplishment felt from how you approach yourself, the situations you’re in, and your relationships.
Here are five tasks toward increasing your level of differentiation and thereby your tolerance for intimacy:
1. Be Willing To Tolerate Disagreement
When you chose to be open and honest, and that openness and honesty isn’t dependent on your partner, it’s reasonable to expect there will be disagreements. Disagreements in a relationship do not need to be catastrophic nor do they need to escalate volcanically.
2. Practice Self-Validation
When we can validate ourselves, we may appreciate validation from our partners, but we are not dependent on it. Something to consider is if you are unable to validate yourself, are you behaving in a way that doesn’t merit validation, such as in a way that doesn’t make you proud? When we’re proud of how we handle ourselves and situations, self-validation is easier.
3. Value Truth and Accuracy Over Acceptance and Validation
People who want intimacy in relationships value accuracy over empty validation. The validation that comes from presenting yourself inaccurately feels fraudulent. People who want true intimacy prefer to be seen for who they are.
4. Don’t Demand Reciprocation
Don’t wait for your partner to initiate intimacy, or you might be waiting a long time. Model the level of intimacy you want in the relationship, but don’t demand it. Forcing someone on a personal growth process never works.
5. Self-Confront
Intimacy starts with you, and one of the ways you build intimacy with yourself is through self-confrontation. Who do you want to be in your various relationships? What kind of son or daughter do you want to be? What kind of partner? What kind of parent? Are you able to validate yourself on who you are in these relationships?
When to Get Professional Help for Fear of Intimacy
As we are born undifferentiated and usually to undifferentiated parents, and we rarely receive modeling for how to foster intimacy, most people can benefit from therapy that helps them to increase their level of differentiation. That’s a matter of personal growth everyone can benefit
from improving. Is that necessary? No. Not everyone wants personal growth and some just want help tolerating or slightly improving the status quo. Simple techniques around boundaries and communication guidelines can frequently offer help in this regard.
When seeking professional help, you can throw a rock and find a therapist or psychologist who lists “relationships” as an area of focus. Most therapists can help you with the struggles of maintaining healthy relationships, such as boundary setting, assertiveness, and communication. To tackle core relationship dilemmas, such as those that are lifelong and long-standing, I suggest seeking a therapist who specializes in relationship concerns as a core element of their practice.
You’ll want to know from which approach they address solving these issues. You might hear something like emotionally focused therapy, attachment, differentiation, and others. They all work, but they are all very different from each other. While there’s no magic formula for good therapy, and sometimes the oddest of match has the best of outcome, I find the most predictably successful therapeutic endeavors extend from a therapist who works from a core theoretical approach and who is matched with a client for whom that approach is consistent with their goals and needs from therapy. That’s not necessarily something easy for a client to sort out, but a consultation call can often determine that fairly easily.
