Intimacy is the willingness to show oneself accurately—the good and the bad—within the context of a close relationship. It is independent of reciprocation. Intimacy can be achieved with friends, family, and romantic partners. Fear of intimacy, also called intimacy avoidance or avoidance anxiety, typically results in either emotional cutoff or chaotic closeness.
What Is Intimacy?
Intimacy is commonly described as based on the context in which it occurs, including physical intimacy, sexual intimacy, spiritual intimacy, intellectual intimacy, etc.
Common types of intimacy include:
- Physical Intimacy: This phrase is regularly used when people are uncomfortable saying “sex.” More precisely, it is meant as the affection experienced from a caress, holding hands, tender hugs, and cuddling.
- Sexual Intimacy: What is usually implied by the term is the connection gained through sharing the sexual experience with another. These two words may not belong together, however, as sex is not always intimate, even in committed relationships.
- Spiritual Intimacy: Obtained from expressing higher-order values and ideas, such as those related to religion, mindfulness, growth, and existential meaning. There is usually some cohesion on these topics at the outset of a relationship.
- Intellectual Intimacy: The sharing of beliefs and viewpoints. Typically implied is an expectation or demand that this practice should remain conflict free if it is to qualify as intimacy; although, sharing that prohibits conflict and demands acceptance is rarely ever an indicator of intimacy.
- Emotional Intimacy: Typically described as the sharing of feelings, dreams, desires, and wishes. There is usually an unspoken demand that what is shared must be validated then followed by a reciprocation of disclosure of equal or higher value.
People who have the ability to truly be intimate can be so in any context – physical, sexual, emotional, at work, etc. – at their discretion, with people of their choosing, and within the appropriate boundaries of that relationship.
What Is Fear of Intimacy?
Fear of intimacy, with our more nuanced definition and what it entails, means that having some fear is normal, since being intimate challenges anxiety and requires self-validation. If intimacy weren’t scary, everyone would be in wonderfully intimate relationships because they would be easy to achieve.
What Causes Intimacy Avoidance?
Someone might be avoiding intimacy because they’re afraid of being abandoned, afraid of losing themself in the relationship, or perhaps because of trauma in past relationships.
Some specific fears around intimacy can be caused by:
Fear of Being Seen
It can be scary to show oneself accurately because the risk is high and there’s no guarantee of acceptance. This is completely non-pathological, and might even be logical in terms of risk-reward. People with this fear will likely show just the “good parts” of themselves. The price, however, is the knowledge that the validation they receive is inauthentic, and thereby unsatisfying. It can often be a subtle factor in cheating within committed relationships.
Fear of Abandonment
Fear of abandonment, while similar to the fear of being seen, is a bit more clinical. This fear can extend from deep childhood wounds. There is a sense that the person you love could leave at any time, for very little reason, and one’s avoidance of closeness can kick in as a way to cope. This fear is not a sole indicator but can be a hallmark of someone with borderline personality disorder. It typically results in a more chaotic search for intimacy.
Fear of Engulfment
The fear that if I reveal myself, I lose myself. This fear is that in being vulnerable, I will lose control of who I am. It’s that I’m giving too much of myself to someone else, and that’s frightening.
Fear of Retaliation
The fear that if I am vulnerable, those disclosures might somehow be used against me or disseminated to others. Some personality disorders also hover around the fear of rejection, such as paranoid personality disorder.
Fear of Rejection
For some, the fear of rejection prohibits self-validation and thereby inhibits the ability to be intimate. On a clinical level, individuals with avoidant personality disorder tend to crave intimate relationships, but their fear of rejection will prevent true intimacy. They may consider themselves not good enough if seen accurately for who they are, and instead construct a persona they feel will be validated, or reveal only elements of themselves sure to be approved. The problem is that this is an unsuccessful strategy because the love they receive will feel unearned and inauthentic, as though perpetrating a fraud.
Modeling
A person’s level of differentiation and therefore tolerance for intimacy is largely a function of modeling in childhood and adolescence.
Trauma
The nature of certain traumatic experiences can render intimacy either craved in any capacity or completely repellent. How someone responds to trauma is unique even within the same set of circumstances.
Fear of Intimacy Signs
If you suspect fear of intimacy in yourself or your partner, here are five common signs to look for:
1. Open Relationships & Negotiated Monogamy
There are plenty of relationships that choose to be sexually open or have a negotiated monogamy agreement and that don’t belong in this category. They usually arrive at the arrangement through self-confrontation of their values and beliefs around sex, there’s a firm commitment to each other, there’s honesty, and a continued desire to nourish their relationship sexually or in other ways more important to them. Each person enters into the arrangement willingly and not out of fear of abandonment or desperation.
More often, I see a lot of couples who have entered this agreement to decrease or avoid intimacy, particularly around solving problems or acknowledging true sexual desires. They find it easier to outsource these needs to others. It can also be that the closeness of a monogamous relationship is too intimate, and others are incorporated into the sexual world to decrease the intimacy of a dyad.
2. Frequent, Short-Term Relationships
An inability to self-validate can mean the validation from one relationship eventually grows insufficient, leading to serial monogamy. They may need to leave to be re-validated by someone else in order to regulate how they feel about their attractiveness, worth, etc. Or they may stay, but seek validation by secretly remaining on dating apps or engaging in internet affairs.
3. Cheating & Affairs
When validation from a partner stops – it will always stop at some point, because being responsible for validating someone who can’t validate themselves is exhausting – cheating is a common strategy. Similar to open relationships, cheating can be a way of ignoring sexual problems or decreasing intimacy.
4. Difficulties Expressing Needs
Struggling to discuss what you need with your partner is another indicator that you may have a fear of intimacy. Having trouble sharing your needs or desires can come from feeling like your wishes are secondary. It’s important to recognize that our partners are not able to know what we need unless we share. If we don’t share, it can sometimes feel like validation that our needs don’t matter. Long term, the inability to communicate needs and discuss these issues within the partnership can erode the trust in the relationship.
5. Difficulties With Physical Intimacy
Sometimes people will have struggles with the act of physical intimacy itself. It can also lead some individuals to overcompensate with only physical intimacy (instead of expressing other forms of intimacy) to the point where it is occurring more often than the other partner would like.
How to Know If You Have Intimacy Issues
Every relationship goes through periods of more and less physical intimacy, depending on life circumstances and stress levels. However, there are some things to look out for which may indicate deeper intimacy issues.
Here are some signs that you have a fear of intimacy:
- You do not trust or communicate well with your partner
- You are not emotionally available and do not share important life topics
- You are unable to share your desires in the bedroom
- You are avoidant of any surprises in the bedroom and like to have physical intimacy planned
- You avoid physical contact
- You tend to self-sabotage due to trauma or adverse childhood experiences
How to Overcome Fear of Intimacy
Embarking on this challenge is not easy, but once you begin to tackle these difficulties, you’ll be surprised that it’s not as hard as you think. The stress and anxiety is often overtaken by the sense of pride and accomplishment felt from how you approach yourself, the situations you’re in, and your relationships.
Here are five tips for overcoming fear of intimacy:
1. Be Willing to Tolerate Disagreement
When you choose to be open and honest, and that openness and honesty isn’t dependent on your partner, it’s reasonable to expect there will be disagreements. Disagreements in a relationship do not need to be catastrophic nor do they need to escalate volcanically.
2. Practice Self-Validation
When we can validate ourselves, we may appreciate validation from our partners, but we are not dependent on it. Something to consider is if you are unable to validate yourself, are you behaving in a way that doesn’t merit validation, such as in a way that doesn’t make you proud? When we’re proud of how we handle ourselves and situations, self-validation is easier.
3. Value Truth & Accuracy Over Acceptance & Validation
People who want intimacy in relationships value accuracy over empty validation. The validation that comes from presenting yourself inaccurately feels fraudulent. People who want true intimacy prefer to be seen for who they are.
4. Don’t Demand Reciprocation
Don’t wait for your partner to initiate intimacy, or you might be waiting a long time. Model the level of intimacy you want in the relationship, but don’t demand it. Forcing someone on a personal growth process never works.
5. Be Honest With Yourself & Evaluate Frequently
Intimacy starts with you, and one of the ways you build intimacy with yourself is through self-confrontation. Who do you want to be in your various relationships? What kind of son or daughter do you want to be? What kind of partner? What kind of parent? Are you able to validate yourself on who you are in these relationships?
When to Get Professional Help for Fear of Intimacy
If you feel like intimacy avoidance is causing you distress or affecting your relationships, it’s probably time to get help. Simple techniques around boundaries and communication guidelines can frequently offer help in this regard.
Most therapists can help you with the struggles of maintaining healthy relationships, such as boundary setting, assertiveness, and communication. To tackle core relationship dilemmas, such as those that are lifelong and long-standing, I suggest seeking an individual or couples therapist who specializes in relationship concerns as a core element of their practice.
Advice for Partners
It can be really hard to support a partner who has fears around intimacy. Sometimes it can feel lonely and difficult to understand why this is happening to your loved one and in your relationship. It’s important to be mindful of your feelings and take the time you need to process them for you.
It’s also common to experience these feelings at the same time as your partner, as they are likely just as frustrated with the issues at hand. Remember that it takes both of you to make things work and, like with anything, improvement will take time. Having your support, validation and commitment will make that process smoother for your partner.
It’s important that if you are struggling as well, that you consider getting individual support for yourself so you can be your true self in the relationship.
Examples of Fear of Intimacy
Fear of intimacy can manifest in a variety of ways. Here are a few examples of what this might look like in a few different relationships:
Alex
Alex, a 27-year-old, straight female, and her partner Greg, a 28-year-old, straight male, have been in a committed, sexually monagamous relationship for four years; however, over the last year, they have had sex twice, and neither occasion was particularly enjoyable for either of them.
It didn’t take long for Alex to get tired of the sexual routine: It’s Saturday night, she puts on her “this is the thing I wear to signal I’m okay to have sex tonight.” They kiss, there’s a few minutes of foreplay, then penetration. Done. Maybe she has an orgasm, maybe not, but she always says she does. Doesn’t want to hurt Greg’s feelings.
The challenge is between two equally unpleasant propositions: have sex she doesn’t want or reveal her true thoughts and feelings then risk conflict and emotional discomfort. Rather than face either of these challenges, the sex just stops entirely.
Alex’s struggles regarding intimacy show up in avoiding problems, shutting down in the face of anxiety, and fear of invalidating her partner. After some serious self-confrontation and some tactics for challenging her anxiety, she is able to address the issue from the frame of her role in the problem. That is, not “You’re boring me in bed,” but “I’m boring myself in bed.” Intimacy often involves taking responsibility for our role in things and not expecting others to read our mind when there are problems.
Brian
Brian, a 35-year-old, gay male and his partner Chris, a 31-year-old, gay male have been together for one year. They decided fairly early on to have a relationship with negotiated monogamy. They sorted out the parameters on equal footing and both agreed they would modify their fidelity agreement as needed.
Eventually, however, they found less and less enjoyment in having sex with each other. It ended sooner than usual. It became less frequent. They started seeing more and more partners outside of the relationship. After a short while, they started to feel more like roommates.
They decide to revisit their arrangement and get some assistance by a therapist who specializes in non-traditional relationships. With some helpful guidance, they are able to bring to light the true thoughts, feelings, and desires that weren’t transparent when the couple set out making a fidelity agreement. They discuss how fear of rejection meant they chose to be more forthcoming with strangers about their sexual interests than with each other.
Carol
Carol is a 30-year-old, lesbian female in a long-term relationship with Rebecca, a 28-year-old, bisexual female. Carol feels she and her partner have become disconnected emotionally. Carol feels misunderstood, and she has grown resentful, feeling continuously let down.
They both seek therapy, as the final straw was when they realized they had not had sex in a several months. In therapy, Carol’s contributions reveal her belief that for her, she tries to avoid conflicts at all costs because conflict means a relationship is going to end. Her intimacy avoidance is responsible for her unwillingness to express herself truly and openly, and instead, she feels a real partner should be able to magically know what she wants.
In therapy, Carol tackles her anxiety around difficult conversations and conflict so she can better take responsibility for her thoughts and feelings and express them openly.
Fear of Intimacy Infographics
