There are many different reasons people may start feeling like a burden to others. They may think they aren’t worthy of another person’s time or that they cause others hardship by having needs. Past emotional wounds, relationship dynamics, and mental or physical illnesses all contribute. Building self-esteem, healing from the past, and learning to communicate are some of the ways to cope.
Depression Is Treatable With Therapy
Would you like to feel more happiness and joy? BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $65 per week. Take a Free Online Assessment and get matched with the right therapist for you.
Causes for Feeling Like a Burden
Some of the factors that contribute to feeling like a burden are distressing or traumatic past experiences, mental or physical health issues, low self-esteem, and unhealthy communication or relationship dynamics. This feeling can also be triggered during times when a person has greater needs, such as a physical illness, or during relationship problems or other interpersonal conflicts.
Here are some reasons why you may feel like a burden:
Overly Critical Parent(s)
The things parents say to a person as a child often become that child’s inner voice later in life. So when a parent is emotionally abusive, overly critical, or scolding, a person is more likely to negatively talk to themselves in the same way. This can set the stage for feeling unworthy, not good enough, or like a burden.
Physical Illness
During times of physical illness, injury, or following surgery, a person is likely to have many more needs than usual. This might include needing help with meals, driving, going to medical appointments, help with childcare or household tasks, or even going to the bathroom or showering. This is a vulnerable time and can lead to feeling like a burden.
Mental Illness
Many mental health conditions can cause low self-esteem and negative self-talk, which can contribute to feeling burdensome. Depression, anxiety, and OCD can all lead to ruminating on negative thoughts like “I’m a burden” or “I hate myself for bothering people.” Serious conditions like bipolar disorder or schizophrenia can lead to paranoid thinking like “everyone is talking about what a burden I am.”
Borderline personality disorder, in particular, can lead to feeling like a burden. Some of the symptoms of BPD include a deep fear of abandonment, a distorted or unstable self-image, thoughts of suicide and self-harm. For people with borderline personality disorder, feeling like a burden in a relationship can be part of an ongoing and disruptive pattern.1
Low Self-Esteem
Low self-esteem can cause a person to believe that they are not deserving of being cared for or loved. This can make it hard to believe that others want to be there for them. This leads to feeling like asking for help is too much, because they don’t value themselves as a person, and they believe that they are placing a burden on others.
When a person struggles with feeling worthless, they aren’t able to see what they add to their relationships. They feel like they take more than they add and don’t realize or appreciate their own value. They may worry that others only do things for them or spend time with them because they feel sorry for them or out of a sense of duty or obligation.
Relationship Dynamics
Sometimes, feeling like a burden comes from a toxic relationship dynamic. A parent, partner, or friend may always swoop in to rescue or fix, leading someone to believe that they are incapable of doing things on their own. That person may play the “martyr,” letting others know how they always have to handle everything and that no one else is capable of pulling their weight.
Another person may be overly critical, demeaning, or controlling, and they may even tell someone directly that they are a burden or that they are helpless and couldn’t survive without them. Over time, this can cause someone to question their own worth and start to believe the other person. This is emotional abuse and is not part of a healthy relationship.
Lack of Communication Skills
A person may struggle with communicating their needs in a clear and direct way. They may passively communicate their needs with more subtle language than they thought, leaving the other person unaware of what they need. If requests and needs go unmet, a person may start to tell themselves that they are a burden and asking too much when really it’s a communication problem.
Impact of Feeling Like a Burden
Feeling like a burden is a lonely experience that shuts a person off from the support of others. It has a negative effect on individuals’ mental health and self-esteem and can lead to isolation and social withdrawal, depression, anxiety, or relationship burnout. When feeling like a burden isn’t addressed, it can even lead to an increase in suicide risk.
Impacts of feeling like a burden include:
- Strain on relationships: Feeling like a burden can cause someone to constantly seek reassurance from others, which can begin to wear on the other person and create tension and conflict. It can also lead to resentment and distance in the relationship if the person who feels like a burden stops communicating their needs.
- Social withdrawal: When a person feels like a burden, this can lead them to withdraw from others, which can lead to self-isolation.
- Increased depression and/or anxiety: Feeling like a burden can create a cycle of loneliness and isolation that contributes to depression. Isolation is not only a symptom of depression but can make depression worse. Worrying and obsessing about being a burden to others can also lead to anxiety.
- Unwillingness to ask for help: A person who feels like a burden may hesitate to ask for help, even when they truly need it. This creates feelings of isolation and takes away the opportunity for others to be there for them.
- Chronic stress and burnout: Feeling like a burden can lead to overwork, perfectionism, and trying to prove oneself worthy. This level of stress and busyness is unsustainable for most people and can eventually lead to chronic stress and burnout.
- Suicide risk: Research shows that feeling like a burden, particularly in older adults, can lead to a higher risk of suicide. Many people who struggle with suicidal ideation feel that they are a burden and tell themselves that others would be better without them.2
Help For Depression
BetterHelp – Get help from a licensed therapist. BetterHelp offers convenient and affordable online therapy starting at $65 per week. Free Assessment
Talkspace – Online Therapy With Or Without Insurance. Talkspace accepts many insurance plans including Optum, Cigna, and Aetna. Typical co-pay is $30, but often less. Get started
How to Stop Feeling Like a Burden
Feeling like a burden is a difficult experience, but there are coping skills that can help. Practicing self-compassion and learning to love yourself is a key aspect of coping because feeling like a burden is often rooted in low self-esteem or feeling like your needs don’t matter. Journaling, learning to communicate more effectively, and getting professional help when needed are all ways to not feel like a burden.
Here are eight ways to cope with feeling like a burden:
1. Begin Gratitude Journaling
Gratitude journaling is taking time on a regular basis to take stock of the things that you are grateful for. These can include people who bring positivity to your life, health, pets, and even something as simple as noticing a pretty flower or a blue sky. Focusing on the things you’re grateful for can start to shift your attention away from feeling like a burden.
2. Do a “Pay It Forward” Act of Kindness
Paying it forward with acts of kindness can help you feel like you are contributing something positive to your community and less like you are a burden. These could be simple acts of kindness that don’t have to cost anything at all but are considerate towards others.
Here are a few “pay it forward” acts of kindness to try:
- Give a compliment to a stranger
- Hold open the door for someone with a stroller or in a wheelchair
- Offer to pay for the person’s coffee behind you in line
- Make a donation to a non-profit or charity
- Volunteer at a soup kitchen or food pantry
- Donate blood
3. Challenge Negative Self-Perceptions
Negative self-perceptions and unhelpful self-talk can play a huge role in feeling like a burden. Challenging and reframing these beliefs and learning to replace them with positive self-talk and healthier thoughts can be very helpful.
Here are a few strategies to challenge negative self-perceptions:
- Cognitive restructuring: Cognitive restructuring is a technique used in cognitive behavioral therapy and other therapy types. It helps people challenge and replace their negative thoughts with more helpful, healthy thoughts. For example, a person who says to themself, “I’m a burden,” would notice that thought and then check in on whether this thought is actually based on fact. Most likely, it is not, and the thought would be replaced with something more positive like, “It’s okay for me to have needs.”
- Self-esteem building practices: Self-esteem building practices are ways to increase kindness and compassion towards yourself. This can help you start to change your perception of yourself and remember that your needs matter, too. For example, every time you start to compare yourself to someone else, stop. Remind yourself that you can’t compare how you feel on the inside with how someone else looks on the outside.
- Checking the facts: Checking the facts is a skill that is used in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). It involves noticing any time you start to have a negative thought about yourself and checking it against what is actually true. For example, you may think to yourself, “My parents never call me. They don’t care.” You could then check to see when they actually called you and whether you have called them. This can help change the stories you may be telling yourself that contribute to feeling bad about yourself.
- Put the thought in a bubble:. This skill is from acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). The next time you have a negative thought about yourself or feel like a burden, imagine putting those words into a bubble above your head and then watching them gently float away. This can help you detach from the thought and not give it so much power. It’s just a thought; it’s not reality.
- Act as if:. Sometimes, it’s helpful to act your way into positive thinking. If you did not have negative thoughts about yourself or didn’t have these feelings of being a burden, what would you do differently? Would you reach out to someone? Ask for help? Put yourself out there in a way that could be good for you in the long term. Identify that thing and then do it, regardless of your thoughts.
4. Communicate About How You Feel
Communicating with others about how you feel can help alleviate the feeling. Talk to them about how you feel like a burden, and let them know that this is something you would really like to work on and change. It’s important not to put the responsibility on them to fix this for you, but at the same time, let them know how they can help.
Here are some tips for how to communicate with loved ones about feeling like a burden:
- Pick the right time and place: Find a good time and place when the other person is available and willing to listen without distractions.
- Be transparent: Be open and honest about how you feel.
- Be specific: For example, instead of “I feel like a burden,” say, “I feel like I’m putting stress on you when I need to ask for rides to work.”
- Ask for honesty: Ask your loved ones to be honest with you if there are ever times when they’re not available to meet a request or need from you. Encourage them to say no when needed.
- Make it collaborative: Work together to come up with solutions that work for both you and the other person. For example, maybe they are completely fine with giving you a ride to work two times a week but not every day.
- Keep communication ongoing: Continue to communicate openly and honestly about your needs and check in with the other person regularly to ensure they are not feeling over-extended.
5. Try a Loving-Kindness Meditation
Loving-kindness meditation is a type of mindfulness meditation focused on extending love and kindness to oneself and others. It has been shown to increase self-compassion, increase feelings of well-being, and reduce stress. You can learn how to practice loving-kindness meditation at a yoga studio, mindfulness-based stress reduction, or via meditation YouTube videos online.3
6. Practice Self-Love
There are several ways to practice extending love to yourself. The more you practice these things, the less awkward they will feel. Here’s one to try: Rub your palms together briskly until they feel warm, and place them over your heart with gentle pressure. Imagine extending love to yourself and saying to yourself, “I love you.”4
Another way to extend love to yourself comes from eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR). Think of something that helps you feel positive or loving feelings, like a family member, a favorite place, or a pet. Cross your arms over your chest with a hand on each shoulder and slowly tap on alternating sides, allowing yourself to feel the positive feelings associated with your image.
7. Increase Your Autonomy
If you are feeling like a burden, it can be helpful to increase your confidence and autonomy. When you feel confident in your ability to meet your own needs and care for yourself, this can take some of the pressure off of relationships with others and help you feel less dependent. This opens up the door for a mutual give and take, which is healthy in relationships.4
8. Seek Professional Help for Feeling Like a Burden
Sometimes, feeling like a burden comes from more deeply rooted experiences of trauma, abandonment, or loss that aren’t likely to go away on their own or with self-help. This is when working with a licensed mental health professional can be extremely helpful for breaking those patterns, healing from past experiences, and learning to love yourself and value your own needs.
Finding a therapist can help you overcome your feelings of being a burden, help you heal from past trauma and difficult relationships, and improve your self-esteem. If you have symptoms of depression, anxiety, or any other mental health condition, finding a psychiatrist can help you get started with medication and treatment options. An online therapist directory or online therapy platform can be helpful tools to help you find a good fit.
Overcoming the Fear of Reaching Out
Reaching out and asking for help is scary for people who struggle with feeling like a burden, but it is also imperative for growth and healthy relationships. It’s important to overcome the fear of appearing weak or being more burdensome in order to reach out. It might help to let the other person know that asking for help is hard for you, but you are working on being more open about your needs.
How to Build Healthy Relationships
Healthy relationships can play a pivotal role in combating feelings of being a burden. Being able to be honest about asking for what you need, as well as being there for the other person, is critical to building a strong, supportive, and healthy relationship.
When there is an imbalance in a relationship, and one person gives more than they receive, this can lead to resentment and problems down the road. An important part of a healthy relationship is that both people are willing to be vulnerable and open about what they need, as well as being there for each other.
In My Experience
Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.
-
Bohus, M., Stoffers-Winterling, J., Sharp, C., Krause-Utz, A., Schmahl, C., & Lieb, K. (2021). Borderline personality disorder. The Lancet, 398(10310), 1528-1540.
-
Cukrowicz, K. C., Cheavens, J. S., Van Orden, K. A., Ragain, R. M., & Cook, R. L. (2011). Perceived burdensomeness and suicide ideation in older adults. Psychology and aging, 26(2), 331–338. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0021836
-
Totzeck, C., Teismann, T., Hofmann, S. G., von Brachel, R., Pflug, V., Wannemüller, A., & Margraf, J. (2020). Loving-kindness meditation promotes mental health in university students. Mindfulness, 11, 1623-1631.
-
Wirth, J. H., Allen, A. B., & Zitek, E. M. (2020). Feeling Like a Burden. Social Psychology.
We regularly update the articles on ChoosingTherapy.com to ensure we continue to reflect scientific consensus on the topics we cover, to incorporate new research into our articles, and to better answer our audience’s questions. When our content undergoes a significant revision, we summarize the changes that were made and the date on which they occurred. We also record the authors and medical reviewers who contributed to previous versions of the article. Read more about our editorial policies here.
Author: Michelle Risser, LISW-S(No Change)
Medical Reviewer: Kristen Fuller, MD (No Change)
Fact checked and edited for improved readability and clarity.
Author:Michelle Risser, LISW-S
Reviewer:Kristen Fuller, MD
Your Voice Matters
Can't find what you're looking for?
Request an article! Tell ChoosingTherapy.com’s editorial team what questions you have about mental health, emotional wellness, relationships, and parenting. The therapists who write for us love answering your questions!
Leave your feedback for our editors.
Share your feedback on this article with our editors. If there’s something we missed or something we could improve on, we’d love to hear it.
Our writers and editors love compliments, too. :)
Additional Resources
To help our readers take the next step in their mental health journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy is compensated for marketing by the companies included below.
Talk Therapy
Online-Therapy.com – Get support and guidance from a licensed therapist. Online-Therapy.com provides 45 minute weekly video sessions and unlimited text messaging with your therapist for only $64/week. Get Started
Online Psychiatry
Hims / Hers If you’re living with anxiety or depression, finding the right medication match may make all the difference. Connect with a licensed healthcare provider in just 12 – 48 hours. Explore FDA-approved treatment options and get free shipping, if prescribed. No insurance required. Get Started
Depression Newsletter
A free newsletter from Choosing Therapy for those impacted by depression. Get helpful tips and the latest information. Sign Up
Learn Anti-Stress & Relaxation Techniques
Mindfulness.com – Change your life by practicing mindfulness. In a few minutes a day, you can start developing mindfulness and meditation skills. Free Trial
Choosing Therapy Directory
You can search for therapists by specialty, experience, insurance, or price, and location. Find a therapist today.
Online Depression Test
A few questions from Talkiatry can help you understand your symptoms and give you a recommendation for what to do next.
Best Online Psychiatry Services
Online psychiatry, sometimes called telepsychiatry, platforms offer medication management by phone, video, or secure messaging for a variety of mental health conditions. In some cases, online psychiatry may be more affordable than seeing an in-person provider. Mental health treatment has expanded to include many online psychiatry and therapy services. With so many choices, it can feel overwhelming to find the one that is right for you.