Coming out as transgender is both a scary and exhilarating experience. For many folks, coming out is a life changing moment that allows them to live authentically. It’s important to remember, no matter the reaction or outcome, coming out is about one thing: you!
What Does it Mean to Come Out?
“Coming out” is a phrase often used to describe an LGBTQ+ individual’s self-disclosure of their sexual orientation, romantic orientation, or gender. For transgender or non-binary folks, this process often includes telling others about their chosen name, pronouns, and potential changes to gender expression. It’s a way of sharing who they are openly with those in their life. However, how someone chooses to tell those in their life, or what they say, is completely up to them.
* Please note, the author understands you may not identify as transgender or trans. For the purposes of this article transgender and trans are used as an umbrella term to refer to those whose gender is different from the sex they were assigned at birth.
What Are the Benefits of Coming Out?
For transgender folks, coming out provides them with the opportunity to be referred to correctly in their everyday lives, and for those around them to see them for who they truly are. For many, coming out allows a person to take next steps in the process of affirming their gender. For example, when many trans and non-binary individuals come out, they then take steps to receive gender affirming care, while others make changes to their gender expression.
The benefits of coming out include:
- Living one’s life honestly, openly, and authentically
- Increased self-esteem and confidence
- Feeling more comfortable to be yourself
- The ability to connect and build relationships with other trans folks
- Being more present in your current relationships and life
- No longer having to monitor or hide parts of your life
15 Tips for Coming Out as Trans
Many folks have significant fears about coming out. After all, we aren’t raised with a class or vocabulary on how to come out to those in our lives. It can be easy to think of all the things that could go wrong or are completely out of your control (like how others react or what they say). So what are some things you can do to come out, or to make coming out feel more in your control?
The following are 15 tips for coming out as trans:
1. Test the waters
You can get a sense for how people may feel or react to your coming out by asking general questions about trans folks. Maybe it’s bringing up a non-binary person in the media and seeing what those around you say. It could be talking about a transgender surgery fund you are thinking of donating to, and asking if they’d like to participate. Finally, you could speak about someone who recently came out to you.
2. Understand that not all Reactions Are 100% Personal
After you test the waters, you might have some idea as to how someone is going to react. But the truth is, you won’t really know until you do it. Everyone responds based on their own situations, and we can’t control how others respond. Quite often, people react to you based on their own emotions or thoughts, instead of the information you’ve actually told them. For instance, a parent may feel they don’t know enough about non-binary folks and act angrily towards the news. Their reaction may stem from their own fear about themselves being uneducated, rather than this new information–it may not be personal. However, this does not mean you can’t feel your emotions about someone’s negative or inappropriate reactions–it also does not excuse harmful behaviors or words.
3. Create a Pro’s & Con’s List or Decisional Balance
A visual exercise can be really helpful for organizing your thoughts and getting them out. Lots of people get really overwhelmed with worries and “what if” thoughts before coming out. It’s likely many of these will be geared towards worst case scenarios. A pro’s and con’s list will help you break free of this thinking pattern, and hopefully feel more confident. A decisional balance is a bit more in depth, but can still help you weigh the pros and cons. If you’ve never heard of a decisional balance, that’s completely normal!
Here’s an example of a decisional balance:1
| Coming out | Not coming out | |
|---|---|---|
| Benefits of | Finally able to use the pronouns you feel fit you best | Not having to correct people when and avoiding conflict |
| Cost of | Family reacting poorly | Feeling down, depressed, and hopeless about the future |
4. Set Boundaries
First and foremost, it’s important you protect yourself. If you are worried about a negative interaction, think about boundaries you can set to keep yourself physically and emotionally safe. For example, you could have a supportive friend or sibling with you when you talk to family. If you are at work, do you have another coworker present as a witness to the conversation? Do you want to have space between yourself and the person you’re sharing with? Knowing where you “draw the line” can also be helpful–know when it’s time to walk away or end the conversation.
5. Trust Your Gut
Don’t let anyone make you feel forced or obligated to come out. Coming out should be done on your time and in a way that makes you feel safe and comfortable. A lot of people feel very motivated to come out as part of National Coming Out Day. While it is a wonderful opportunity and does give many the “perfect excuse” to come out, it may not fall during a time that is safe or appropriate for you.2
6. Have a Support System or Therapist
Before you tell others, you want to identify those you can lean on or celebrate with after. If you are worried about being kicked out or evicted, identifying a place you can stay for a period will be helpful. If you have the ability and access, reaching out to a licensed professional for support and guidance can be a great step. You can even set up appointments with them right after you come out–this can offer an unbiased, safe, and empathetic space to process how it went.2
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7. Think About Reframing It as “Inviting In” vs. Coming Out
Coming out is the most common term used, but this often leads the moment to become more centered on the person you are coming out to, rather than you.3“Inviting in” shifts the focus back, and invites others to be a part of this journey and your life. So as you plan, think about how “inviting in” may change how you view the moment.
8. Don’t Tell Everyone at Once if it’s Overwhelming
It’s okay to start by telling one trusted person–just make sure to let them know whether or not they can share this information. If you’ve been using she/her pronouns and express to someone you want to use they/them now, it’s important to let them know whether you want them to do this right away or wait.
9. Consider What Method You Feel Most Comfortable With
Not everyone wants to have this conversation one-on-one or in-person. Regardless, planning a method you feel most comfortable with is key. If you’re worried about what someone may say, giving them time to think by sending an email or old fashioned letter might be best. If you’re concerned about not being able to escape, but feel an email is too impersonal, a phone call might be best. Some people choose to write down what they are going to say and read it out loud to a trusted person they are already out to. You could also do this with your therapist.
10. Consider Time & Location
No matter how you choose to move forward, having a time and location picked out beforehand will be important.4 You want distractions to be limited, and you also don’t want to catch someone in a stressful moment. For example, having to yell “I’m transgender” very loudly at a bar or sending a text when someone just got out of work may not get you a response you want. It may also not provide space for you to have the conversation you are hoping to have.
11. Identify What You Do & Don’t Feel Comfortable Discussing
Knowing what questions or topics you are willing to talk about ahead of time will help keep you from feeling pressured to answer in the moment. You might not want to explain various terms like mtf, ftm, nonbinary, pronouns, transition, passing, etc., especially if you’re feeling overwhelmed or anxious.
12. Allow Those You’ve Told to Take Time to Process
As mentioned before, sometimes people’s initial reactions aren’t going to be the most positive or supportive. People tend to take a minute to process things and adjust.4It’s important to remember, just like it took you time to think about your own gender and how to come out, those in your life are just hearing it for the first time. Either way, someone insulting you, physically harming you, or threatening you, is never appropriate.
13. Have Resources Handy
Information on gender is not heavily talked about. However, just because you are trans, non-binary, or genderqueer does not mean you have to become everyone’s go to for information. Organizations such as The Trevor Project, Human Rights Campaign, and Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network (GLSEN) have resources available you can pass on to those who want them.
14. Avoid Substances
The term “liquid courage” probably comes to mind, and may seem useful in easing your fears. However, alcohol, marijuana, and other drugs are not truly performance enhancing. While they do lower inhibition, they often lead to poor communication, heightened emotions, and distractibility. They can also lead to forgetfulness, which may result in you having to come out to the person again because they don’t remember!
15. Know Coming Out May Be a Lifelong Process
For many, coming out will happen in multiple spaces and places throughout their life. Over time ,coming out may become easier, or it may always feel daunting. It’s important to maintain self-care and have coping mechanisms you can use for those moments. Don’t forget to celebrate your accomplishment, no matter if it’s the first time or the 100th.
Common Questions & Reactions to Coming Out as Trans
Now that we’ve covered some tips for coming out, let’s focus more on what everyone really worries and dreads–the questions. If you’re on social media or talk to any trans folks, you’ll know there are numerous questions people get when they come out, and even following this.
Below are some common questions you may be asked after coming out as trans:
What’s the Difference Between Being Gay & Transgender?
Gender is your internal knowledge of being masculine, feminine, somewhere in between, or neither. Sexual orientation has to do with who you are attracted to. You can be gay and transgender or straight and transgender. They aren’t the same.
Are You Planning to Have “The Surgery”?
There are many different surgeries transgender people can have. Some people choose to have them and others don’t. Surgery should never be used as a prerequisite or requirement for being transgender, and many people don’t feel comfortable talking about their genitals. It’s also important to remember that gender affirming surgeries are very costly and often not covered by insurance, so many trans folks are unable to ever access them even if they want them.
Are You Going to Start Hormones?
Some transgender people start hormones and others don’t. Just like with surgery, hormone therapy is not a prerequisite or requirement for being transgender. If someone is planning to start hormones and feels comfortable sharing this, their answer may differ. Similar to how you may not want to talk about your current medical plans, trans and non-binary folks may not want to share this either.
When Did You Know?
This answer will be person specific. Some transgender people have felt out of place or different for most of their life, but maybe never had the language or awareness about transgender individuals. Or, they were unable to speak out about being transgender due to non-affirmative environments. Some transgender folks don’t realize until they are older. The answer to this question should be based on one’s own narrative and comfort. Remember, when someone realizes they are transgender or comes out, it does not make them more or less transgender.
Are You Sure?
The rate of transgender folks regretting steps they take during their transition is very low. Asking this implies doubt and disbelief of what the person is saying to you, and comes across as invalidating. Instead, ask questions that imply support and enthusiasm, like “what can I do to support you?” or “is there anything I can do to help you meet your goals”?
Aren’t Children Too Young to Know?
Transequality.org provides the following helpful answers: “No, children are not too young to know their true gender. Many children—whether they’re transgender or not—instinctively know their gender identity from a young age.”
Doesn’t Being Non-Binary Mean You’re not Sure or Confused?
There are many people who are non-binary and stay non-binary. You can also be transgender and non-binary. Asking someone to “pick a gender” is rooted in the school of thought that there are only two genders, when in fact, this isn’t true. There are many cultures around the world that celebrate and support non-binary folks and those who are a gender outside male or female. For example, hijra communities in South Asia, Fa’afafine in Pacific Islander communities, and two-spirit people among some Native American cultures.
You’ll Always Be a Man/Woman to Me.
Let’s say you were a computer programmer for years. You hated your job and so you went to night classes to get a degree in business. You worked really hard, and after you get your degree, you announce your accomplishment to those closest to you. Instead of celebrating with you or congratulating you, they start to question if this was the best decision. They ask if you’re sure and end with “you’ll always be a programmer to me.” You’d probably feel incredibly invalidated and hurt, especially after all the time and effort you put into doing what you love. When you make comments like the above to transgender or non-binary folks, you are blatantly disregarding everything they just said to you, on top of invalidating them.
How to Support Someone Coming Out as Trans
When supporting someone who is coming out, the first step is to put your own thoughts and emotions aside. It’s okay to feel shock, worry, or have questions. However, the person coming out to you just wants to know you support and hear them. When many individuals come out, it ends up becoming more about the person they are telling, which takes a really powerful and emotional moment away from them. It also places stress on the individual coming out, and creates an expectation for them to provide immediate support to the other person. Try to approach your loved one with empathy, compassion, and inquisitiveness as opposed to demands and invasive questions. Avoid offering options to repair or fix them, and if you make a mistake using their chosen name or pronouns, correct and move on.
Part of this process may also mean being open to resources they provide, instead of asking them to educate you, challenging your own beliefs and thoughts on gender, and taking time to educate yourself. Doing research and education on your own is a great way to show your allyship and support.5Before you begin to ask questions to settle your own uncertainty about the situation, it is key that you make the other person feel that they made the right decision to come out to you. You might respond by saying, “Thank you for being honest” or “I appreciate your trust.”
How a Therapist Can Help
For many years, therapists have been used by insurance companies as “gate keepers” to keep transgender folks from getting the care they need. Couple this with the terrifying experience many have had with conversion therapy, it makes sense trans and non-binary folks would avoid therapy. However, therapy can actually be an excellent support and space.
A therapist will listen to your story without judgment or bias. It’s important to note, gender affirming therapy is NOT conversion therapy, nor is it the immediate decision and recommendation to make anyone start medical treatment they aren’t prepared for. Instead of working to “fix” or “repair,” the primary focus of therapy is helping trans and non-binary folks align their gender with their every day lives.6 Aligning can look different for many, whether this be through expression (clothing, hair, makeup, binding, tucking), medical intervention (GAHT), or other affirming steps (pronouns, legal name change). If you’re looking for an LGBTQ+ therapist, try starting with an online therapist directory..
A therapist can also help you:
- Decrease suicidal ideation and self-harm
- Tackle internalized transphobia and homophobia*
- Identify, reduce, and cope with cognitive dissonance
- Navigate shame, doubt, worry, sadness, anxiety, depression, lack of focus etc.
- Aid with and identify ways to effectively communicate with those in your life and set boundaries to make coming out easier
*Internalized Homophobia/Transphobia: An LGBTQ+ persons internalization of negative societal attitudes and application of these negative attitudes towards themself
Final Thoughts
Coming out might be difficult, scary, and feel completely out of reach, but the joy and freedom of living as your authentic self is worth the fight. You are worthy and deserving of being you.
Videos with Tips for Coming Out as Trans
In this video, Dr. Jack Bartel review three practical tips for coming out as trans:
In this video, Dr. Bartel elaborates on how to create a decisional balance worksheet for yourself and reviews common questions people might ask you after coming out:
For Further Reading
- Mental Health America
- National Alliance on Mental Health
- MentalHealth.gov
- Human Rights Campaign
- The Trevor Project
- National Center for Transgender Equality
- Lambda Legal
- World Professional Association for Transgender Health
- Fenway Health-The National LGBTQIA+ Health Education Center
- UCSF Transgender Care
Coming Out as Trans Infographics
