Loving a Narcissist: 7 Ways to Cope

Why Do People Fall in Love With Narcissists?

People may fall in love with narcissists for many reasons. They may struggle with establishing their own autonomy and aspirations or are co-dependent. Others may be predisposed to putting the needs of others above their own.¹

Below are possible reasons why a person may love a narcissist:

They Had a Narcissistic Caregiver

Narcissistic parents expect their children to cater to their needs. The narcissistic caregiver views the achievements and accomplishments of the child as their own, using these to heighten their self-importance and esteem. The child learns their existence serves the purpose of pleasing their parents. In turn, they may lose sight of their own wishes, needs, and opinions, relying on another narcissist to determine these aspects.

They Are Other-Directed

Someone may love a narcissist because they are inherently “other-directed.” They may respond to others before caring for themselves, failing to appreciate their own abilities and ambitions. This pattern continues in adulthood, possibly resulting in a predisposition to one-sided relationships.

They Feel Unworthy & Inadequate

Loving a narcissist may produce feelings of strength and success in the beginning stages. Someone with low self-esteem may latch onto a grandiose narcissist and soak in their extravagant personalities and goals. Those who underestimate their abilities may seek an illusion of power by being with someone who appears successful, even if this successful persona is a façade.

They Struggle With Self-Doubt

Narcissists shower their partners with affection when trying to woo them. Love bombing like this may be especially enticing to someone who struggles with self-doubt. This person second-guesses everything they do. They may undermine their own talents or dismiss compliments as pity. Thus, they attach to narcissists who initially bombard them with attention and love.

They Fear Abandonment

Those continually let down by others may develop deep fears of abandonment. Ultimately, they crave someone they can trust to respect, encourage, and support them. They may gravitate toward narcissists who make elaborate promises. When one relationship fails, they will take responsibility for the breakup and continue the cycle.

What to Do When in Love With a Narcissist

When loving a narcissist, educate yourself about narcissistic personality disorder and recognize the implications that may come from a narcissistic relationship. While you may feel hurt by the loss of this person, this pain will diminish when you regain a sense of identity and vitality.

Here are seven tips for loving a narcissist:²

1. Define Your Idea of Love

Determine your definition of love, asking yourself if your partner can love you this way. You may benefit from writing a list of expectations you demand from a relationship. Compare your current relationship with this checklist to decide if your partner meets these expectations.

2. Test Your Reality

Being in love with a narcissist can be confusing. Discuss your relationship with someone who helps you see reality clearly. Ask questions like, “Are my needs being recognized,” “Do I know how to set goals for myself,” or “What would I change in my relationship if I could?”  If the cons vastly outweigh the pros, revisit the strength of your relationship.

3. Open Communication

If possible, sit down with the narcissist to discuss your goals and aspirations. If your partner continuously interrupts or undermines you, space your efforts but do not give up. A partner who cannot have productive conversations with you will likely become more and more explosive. Stop blaming yourself for a failing relationship and seek relationships that strengthen your self-worth.

4. Stop Accepting Gifts & Apologies

If a narcissistic partner tries to win you back with gifts and transient apologies, bluntly refuse their efforts. Failing to accept responsibility for mistakes is a red flag in a relationship.

5. Set Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries depend on your personal goals, needs, and limits. A narcissist will endlessly dismiss and overstep these boundaries if given the chance. Clarify what you are comfortable with, and remain steadfast in your assertions if they push back.

6. Recognize When You Are Ideal-Hungry

You may have fallen in love with a narcissist because you seek an idealized partner. Narcissists are masters of manipulation and can create a perfect persona to fit your expectations. However, this image can last only so long before you lose sight of your goals for the relationship. If you are attached to the false facade created by the narcissist, take a step back and re-examine the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship.

7. Recognize Self-Inflation & Grandiosity

Ask your partner to delineate their goals for the future with you. If those goals are exaggerated and unrealistic, explain why and how these goals do not align with your relationship. The narcissist may blame you for these deficiencies. However, remain persistent and calm. With consistency, the narcissist may revisit and reassess their grandiose ideas.

Can Narcissists Have Healthy Relationships?

Narcissists rarely change. Generally, a narcissist will only seek help if they struggle with depression, anxiety, or other mental health problems.³ However, they may open up to change if they truly care about another person.

Below are signs that a narcissist may love their partner:

• They are open about their struggles: Narcissists may become less secretive about their inner struggles with someone they love. In other words, they do not attribute their mistakes to the shortcomings of others. They face their internal battles either through therapy or by seeking your support.
• They attend therapy: Seeking therapy is a massive step for narcissists. A therapist may help them determine healthy ways to cope with the trauma driving their narcissistic tendencies.
• They are vulnerable with you: Narcissists are terrified of appearing vulnerable. If your narcissistic partner cries or shows emotion to you, they may care about and love you.
• They recognize your achievements: A narcissist rarely praises the achievements and successes of others. A narcissist may be in love with you if they genuinely recognize and appreciate your accolades, talents, and victories.

When to Leave a Narcissist You Are in Love With

As hard as change can be, consider ending your relationship if the narcissist continuously undermines your autonomy. Loving a narcissist is never easy, so assessing the relationship is essential for maintaining your mental well-being.

Below are signs that it may be time to end your relationship with a narcissist:

• Repeated communication failures: A narcissist who refuses to communicate will not develop a healthy relationship with you.
• Constant nit-picking: Consistent nit-picking can leave you feeling depressed. While you may love the narcissist, no relationship is worth sacrificing your self-esteem and mental health.
• Possible harm to your children: You should leave the narcissist if the relationship negatively impacts your child.
• Abuse or rage: When minor slights and disagreements result in outbursts or narcissistic rage, remove yourself from the environment by ending the relationship. Violence toward you or others is always wrong and never acceptable.

When To Seek Professional Support

Loving a narcissist can result in depression and a decline in self-care, esteem, and identity. Your needs should come first. The narcissist may never seek help, but you may benefit from seeking professional support. Meeting with a therapist specializing in narcissistic personality disorder may shed on the issues in your relationship. You can use an online therapist directory to locate in-person or online therapy options.

In My Experience

In my long experience, I have seen the emotionally damaging aspects of NPD on the narcissist and those in their life. Still, I have met malleable narcissists who seek treatment. While loving a narcissist can be draining, mending the relationship may be possible if the narcissist is open to change and support.