Are you exclusively and possessively close to your parent(s)? Has one or both of your parents tried to live out their dreams through you? If so, you may be a child of a narcissistic parent. Children of narcissistic parents generally experience humiliation and shame and grow up having poor self-esteem. Oftentimes, these children become adults that are high achievers or self-saboteurs or both. Children hurt by this type of parent will need trauma recovery.
What Is Narcissism?
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultra confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.4
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is most signified by:
- A sense of grandiosity
- Lacking empathy for others
- Need for admiration and superiority
10 Signs Your Mother or Father Is a Narcissist
All parents are not narcissists but having narcissistic tendencies can be just as damaging when rearing a child. Identifying the signs of narcissistic abuse are difficult to explain. If you think you were raised by a narcissistic parent there are signs to be on the lookout for.
10 signs of a narcissistic parent:
- Constantly needs the conversation to be about them
- Immature and selfish behavior
- Brags about your achievements to others, but rarely supports you emotionally, validates or acknowledges you
- Blames others for any problems you may have that stem from their behavior
- Well-liked and/or important to others, but controlling and harsh when no one is looking
- Makes you feel bad for not doing what they want immediately
- Makes you feel guilty by boasting about how much they have done for you
- Harshly opinionated at home but puts up a front for people
- Ruthless and unforgiving, doing anything to be on top
- Makes you feel anxious and often lowers your confidence
How Having a Narcissistic Parent Can Affect Your Mental Health
Growing up with a parent who fits this profile can take a severe toll on your mental wellbeing. You may suffer a lot of issues without realizing what’s wrong. The emotional and psychological scars of a narcissistic parent causes long-lasting and sometimes debilitating effects on the child. In public, these parents are viewed as perfect and loving. But behind closed doors – they rage, scream, and criticize. They challenge your reality through confusion. Imagine being told the peach tree you played under as a child never existed. You remember playing under the tree with your friends or at least you think you do- causing you to not trust your memories.
The parent will control the child’s life, be possessive, and seen as an extension of the parent.1 As the parent lives vicariously through their child – the child’s goals are ignored. The child learns that their goals and needs are not important. Their focus is on pleasing the parent to stay in their good graces. This may lead to anxiety as the child strives to be the perfect child – living up to the narcissist’s unrealistic desires. Depression may occur as a result of the child not meeting the parent’s expectations.
For children – the parent’s behavior is unpredictable. They are unsure what will please the parent; thus, causing feelings of being on edge. The child will feel responsible for the parent’s happiness. They will also learn that their parent’s kindness comes with conditions leaving the child feeling beholding to the parent. Children of narcisstic parents tend to work in the helping profession.
Dr. Craig Malkin identified 8 common traits of adult children who grow up with narcissistic parents:3
1. Indecision & Guilt
Adult children of narcissistic parents fear that they will hurt someone else by choosing to do what’s right for them. They have been ‘trained’ to consider their parent’s needs first and foremost, and it is therefore hard for them to consider their own needs without feeling selfish for doing so. This indecision and guilt can be paralysing for years.
2. Internalised Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgement. Examples might include telling a blatant lie so that you are not sure in the future what is true and what is not. Another is if a parent denies some experience from the past invalidating your feelings from the event.
Growing up with a narcissistic parent can leave the adult child feeling that they have very little to offer, even when the contrary may be true. Growing up, their talents and skills may have been downplayed, ignored, or co-opted by the narcissistic parent who will have felt threatened by their child’s skills. Even when the now adult experiences success, they may feel that they don’t deserve it and this can give rise to impostor syndrome.
3. Love & Loyalty
Even after growing up amid lies, manipulation, and abuse, it can be really difficult for adult children of narcissists to step away from caring for and loving their narcissistic parent. They will likely feel guilt for trying to step away or input boundaries, and may even enter into relationships with partners who show narcissistic traits. A love that is based on manipulations and conditions is something that is known to them, whereas a love that is unconditional might seem quite terrifying.
4. Strength & Resilience
Very often, adult children of narcissistic parents display a great ability to show compassion and love for others, are able to form loving relationships, and to learn to love and care for themselves. It is possible to recover from growing up with a narcissistic parent.
5. Chronic Self-Blame
Whether or not the parent is openly abusive to the child, they are almost always emotionally tone deaf, and are too preoccupied with themselves and their own concerns to hear the pain of their child. As discussed earlier, in order to try to maintain the family unit, the child (even if they are now an adult) shies away from blaming their parent and instead takes all the blame on themselves; “If I was better at…”, “If I wasn’t such a difficult child…” and so on.
This can continue into adulthood, where the adult child continues to take the blame for things that aren’t always their fault. They become the scapegoat in many situations purely in order to keep the peace.
6. Echoism
Echoists and Narcissists complement each other, as echoists fear becoming narcissists, or fear taking any attention away from them. Essentially, narcissistic parents can explode into anger or burst into tears without much warning, which forces their children to take up as little space as possible in order to avoid triggering one of these emotional outbursts (and also fearing taking any attention away from the narcissist in the process). It can feel like walking on eggshells; trying to do everything possible to avoid their parent having a meltdown.
7. Insecure Attachment
Adult children of narcissists are likely to become insecurely attached to their parent; never experiencing that safe base that they need in order to feel comfortable exploring their environment.
The neglect, manipulation, or emotional absence of a parent can leave their child questioning how safe they will be able to feel in other people’s hands. This leads some adults to become fiercely independent, not trusting that anyone else can be relied upon. However it can lead others to cling to their partners for love and demand the attention of their significant other at all times.
8. Parentified Child
Children who grow up with a narcissistic parent will have organised their whole life and personality around the happiness of their parent, and will then grow up organising their life around the happiness of others – many of them working in the helping profession.
8 Ways to Deal With a Narcissistic Parent
Confronting a narcissistic parent head on will lead to a full on battle. Pointing out a narcissistic parent’s negative or undesired behavior challenges the perfect world created in their mind resulting in feelings of shame and vulnerability.5 Remember, your feelings and point of view are also important.
Here are 8 tips I use and suggest to clients for dealing with a narcissistic parent:
1. Realize What Is Happening
You will never win with a narcissist. A narcissistic parent thrives on the sense of control. If you will pay dearly if you do not bend to their will. This is not normal behavior. Getting their needs met is more valuable than having a functional family structure. If you try to compromise, they will only manipulate the situation in their favor.
2. Accept & Let Go
Trying to change a narcissist is nearly impossible unless they want to change. Accepting who they are will reduce your anxiety. Remember, the negative words and actions hurdle aimed at you are really projections of how they feel about themselves or a result of their problematic personality.
3. Resist Gaslighting Attempts
Unfortunately, it is common for a narcissistic parent to make their child feel crazy or delusional. A narcissistic parent will tell you it’s sunny outside during a hurricane. I recall one of my parents claiming that my memories were wrong and that I made things up to make them look bad. Working on your self-esteem and confidence is key to your survival.
4. Be Compassionate
Though they may not show it- deep down the narcissistic parent does care about you. Under that hard exterior is a highly sensitive individual that needs compassion, empathy, and pity from you.
5. Prioritize Self-Compassion
After having a difficult childhood that most likely lacked compassion – it is time you give that compassion to yourself. Pat yourself on the back for making it through this abusive parent-child relationship. Learn to self-soothe and give yourself all the compassion your parent couldn’t give you.
Recovering from such a childhood is not an easy process. It will take time. So, be patient and forgive yourself. You probably learned that making mistakes is an unforgivable crime worthy of the death penalty. But no one is perfect! We all make mistakes including your narcissistic parent.
It is okay to put your needs first. It is okay to take time for yourself. It is okay if you do not have the energy to support others. It is okay to say no without offering an explanation.
6. Lean on Others
Children of narcissistic parents may often have difficulty validating their children. Seeking out the support of others is key. Create your own social network though friends, co-workers, social clubs, etc.
7. Have Some Confidence
It is important to recognize your self-worth in spite of the insults from your narcissistic parent. Finding activities that increase your skills and abilities will help boost your confidence.
8. Assert Your Boundaries
A narcissistic parent will often test and cross your boundaries simply to prove that they can. They may show up uninvited to your home, break family rules to get you angry, or play favorites with your children. You must set firm boundaries and enforce consequences when they are crossed. It may feel like you are disciplining a child- because you are- but be firm and clear as to why you are putting your foot down.
You may even need to give them a timeout by asking them to leave if they do not follow the rules.
When to Get Professional Help for Dealing With the Impact of a Narcissistic Parent
Most people will not understand the emotional toll you experience with a narcissistic parent. Seeking help from people with no experience of narcissism will only leave you feeling silly. Even if they tell you about problematic family members, it will not compare. It is hard to pull into words your experiences in a way that others can understand.
If you’re the child of a narcissist, you will likely struggle with these problems:
- Low self-esteem
- Anxiety or depression
- Codependency in other relationships
- Poor boundaries
- Being a people-pleaser
- Inability to say “no”
- Chronic guilt
- Emptiness
- Inability to express or handle emotions
- Trust issues
Who Should I Consult for Help?
Being raised with a narcissistic parent can lead to many issues throughout your life. Do you find yourself angry, confused, stressed out, for no reason? Working with a counselor/therapist, clinical social worker, or psychology trained in trauma recovery. Seeking professional help from a trained mental health provider can be helpful in getting to the root of the problem, help you develop coping skills, and recovery from your childhood trauma.
Treatment for adult children of narcissists is a very personal experience and it is important to work with a provider who understands your experience and makes you feel safe. Make sure they understand narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic abuse or trauma recovery. Don’t be afraid to interview the provider.
Here are a few questions to consider:
- Are you familiar with narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic abuse?
- How would you go about treating that?
- What is your style of treatment (i.e. working alliance or directive)?
- Are you available between sessions?
How to Find a Therapist
The recovery process from a narcissistic parent can be a long process. Finding a therapist might sound like a daunting process, but it can be made easier by using a simple online directory and searching for what you need. Most sessions can be covered by insurance, and out of pocket expenses can range from $50 – $200. It could take months or years for a full recovery, but seeking professional help is the best way to heal.
How To Support a Loved One Dealing With Narcissistic Parents
Children of narcissistic parents are unaware of the life-long effect that will disrupt their life if left untreated. To support a loved one dealing with narcissistic parents or narcissistic abuse – you must first education yourself on the disorder. Read articles and watch videos on the topic.
Your loved one needs your support. So, avoid blaming the victim. Be compassionate and listen to their story. Validate their feelings. Help them to create a safe space to share their experience. Remember, they have been trained to accept this behavior. So, be patient.
Final Thoughts on Dealing With Narcissistic Parents
I know first hand of the struggles of dealing with a narcissistic parent. You are not alone. Talking to a therapist or reaching out to a trusted friend or family member can make a big difference in how you feel.
