Narcissistic Parents: Traits, Signs, & Coping Strategies

Narcissistic parents are overly critical, controlling, and emotionally manipulative, often prioritizing their needs over their children’s well-being. They fear losing control and may resort to shaming or humiliating their children to maintain dominance. Being raised by a narcissistic parent can lead to lifelong challenges, including low self-esteem, difficulty setting boundaries, and struggles with anxiety or depression in adulthood.

What Is a Narcissistic Parent?

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. However, behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem vulnerable to the slightest criticism.¹

Not all parents are narcissists, and it is not unusual for some to display narcissistic tendencies. However, there are several common themes among narcissistic mothers and narcissistic fathers. Typical narcissistic parent traits include manipulation, narcissistic abuse, and selfishness.

Below are common traits of narcissistic parents:

• Inflated sense of self-importance
• Constantly seeking to be more successful than others
• Sense of entitlement
• Desire to associate with people of high status
• Need for excessive admiration
• Exploitative of others for personal gain
• Lack of empathy
• Arrogant behaviors and attitudes

23 Signs of a Narcissistic Parent

Recognizing the signs of a narcissistic parent can be difficult, as their manipulation tactics are often subtle. However, understanding the common traits of a narcissistic mother or father can help you identify their controlling behaviors and how being raised by a narcissist may impact your adult life.

Below are 23 possible signs of a narcissistic parent:

1. They Need to Be the Center of Attention

Narcissistic parents thrive on attention. They will ensure that every situation revolves around them, even when their kids are involved. Typically, parents celebrate the achievements of children and are happy to support their growth and development. But narcissistic parents will exploit these successes for personal gain–when their children succeed, they receive an ego boost.

2. They Are Immature & Selfish

A narcissistic parent may react selfishly if they feel embarrassed or are emotionally wounded. Often, they do not know how to take responsibility for their actions. Narcissistic, self-absorbed parents seek to fulfill and inflate their egos, even when they should be focusing on their children or other family members.

3. They Blame Others for Their Own Behaviors

A hallmark of narcissistic parents is their inability to take personal accountability. Often oblivious to how their actions impact others, they deflect responsibility by blaming their children during conflicts or challenges. While making mistakes is a normal part of parenting, acknowledging them requires humility—a quality narcissists usually lack. Instead of admitting fault, they shift the blame, leaving their children to bear the burden of their errors.

4. They Show Little Concern for Others’ Needs & Feelings

Parents care deeply about the feelings of their children and family. They are responsible for the care of their family–this requires self-sacrifice and selflessness. However, a narcissistic parent finds it difficult to put their needs aside for the benefit of others. They seek self-fulfillment and may seem entirely disinterested in the needs and emotions of their children.

5. They Play Favorites

Sometimes, parents favor one child over another. Parental favoritism is never a healthy dynamic, but narcissistic parents use favoritism to maintain emotional power and control over their children. A child who agrees with the narcissist will continue to receive gifts and attention, while the other child(ren) may be emotionally neglected or abandoned.

6. They Use You for Personal Gain

Narcissistic parents will use their children to inflate their egos. For example, a narcissistic parent may use their children to ‘get back’ at an ex-partner following a divorce or separation. They may also use their children to get sympathy or attention.

7. They Are Manipulative & Exploitative

Narcissists are adept at manipulation and will do anything to sustain a respected image. Narcissistic parents often manipulate their kids to fulfill selfish desires or aspirations. Their love is conditional, and they frequently use narcissistic manipulation tactics, such as blaming, guilt-tripping, or setting unreasonable expectations, to control their children.

8. They Are Obsessed With Maintaining the Family’s Image

Narcissistic parents are obsessed with maintaining their grandiose persona. They may demand that their family act, dress, or speak a certain way when in public. They must uphold a “perfect family” image, and any signs of familial struggles are hidden from the community.

9. They Use Guilt Trips to Get What They Want

Guilt-tripping is a manipulation tactic narcissistic parents use to boost their ego and maintain control. By making children feel guilty, they can pressure them into meeting demands or fulfilling expectations. For example, a narcissistic parent might accuse a child of being ungrateful if they refuse to complete a specific task, using guilt as a tool to assert dominance and enforce compliance.

10. Their Love Is Conditional

Love should not come with terms and conditions. However, narcissistic parents view love as another exploitation tool. They may withhold affection from a child if the child questions or goes against their wishes.

11. They Will Do Anything To Be the “Best”

A narcissist has to be the center of attention to mask their underlying shame and vulnerability. Narcissistic parents may shift attention back to themselves by overshadowing or pushing aside the accomplishments or struggles of their children.

12. They Put You Down & Lower Your Confidence

A clear sign of narcissistic parents is constant criticism. They will insult their children to feel better about themselves and maintain authority. These parents will criticize children and play on their insecurities to ensure they remain dependent and submissive. The less confident a child is, the more they rely on their parents.

13. They Are Neglectful & Never Present When Needed

A narcissistic parent expects children to be present when needed, but will not provide support to children in return. They may also be so self-absorbed that their sole focus lies in their own hobbies or career. Narcissistic parents often seek instant gratification, leaving their kids to fend for themselves.

14. They Limit Your Time Together

A narcissistic parent will not spend time with their children if this does not fit their personal agenda. They may also restrict family time to manipulate children into fulfilling their needs or requests.

15. They Are Allowed to Be Emotional, But You Are Not

Narcissists may overdramatize things or cause a scene if they are not receiving enough attention. When children express their emotions or opinions, it steals the spotlight from the narcissist. Additionally, a narcissist may feel that expressing emotion in public can impact the family image.

16. They Become Annoyed When Asked for Attention

Children need parental attention to feel safe, validated, and appreciated. However, narcissistic parents are often unable to meet this need. They are too focused on themselves and do not know how to be present for others–unless being attentive presents an opportunity for personal gain. Because of this, they may become annoyed or irritated when children ask for affection or quality time.

17. They Are Codependent

Narcissistic parents depend on other people for gratification and self-worth. They cannot satisfy their narcissistic supply if they are alone. Thus, narcissistic parents may become codependent on their children or other family members to maintain their ego and self-importance.

18. They Publicly Embarrass You

By playing off insecurities or shortcomings, a parent can continue to control their children. They might publicly humiliate or embarrass a child to hide their own insecurities. Remaining the ‘best in the room’ protects them from vulnerability and maintains their superior status.

19. They Have Poor Boundaries & Overstep Yours

Narcissistic parents will habitually cross boundaries. They have no problem bending the rules because they believe these do not apply to them–they are above ‘the law.’ However, your boundaries are meaningless, they can’t control you if they respect the rules you have in place.

20. They Are Extremely Jealous & Possessive of Others

Narcissistic parents crave absolute control over their children. They will become jealous and possessive if they sense any threat to this control. For example, they may react with narcissistic rage when a child moves out, leaves for college, or starts a new relationship.

21. They View You As a Source of Validation

Narcissistic parents focus on raising their children to continue supporting and validating them. They will rely on children to make them feel good and to boost their self-worth. They will expect their children to provide validation no matter how they behave.

22. They Expect You to Play the Caregiver Role

The needs of their children will never outmatch those of the narcissistic parent. These parents expect children to put responsibilities aside to be available 24/7 because they ‘gave their children everything.’ The parent will want children to wait on them hand-and-foot and attend to their every need so they can continue to inflate their ego and feel worthy.

23. They Gaslight You

Narcissistic gaslighting is a form of manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment. One example of a gaslighting parent is when they deny some experience from the past, invalidating their child’s feelings about the event.

Traits of Adult Children Raised by Narcissists

Being raised by a narcissist can severely impact your mental well-being. In public, these parents appear perfect and loving. But behind closed doors, they rage, scream, and criticize. The parent will control their child’s life, be possessive, and view the child as an extension of themself.¹

Unfortunately, living with a narcissistic mother or father can result in long-term consequences. Children of narcissistic mothers or fathers often struggle with mood disorders, self-blaming tendencies, shame, and low self-esteem. The effects of narcissistic parenting can also contribute to relational and emotional regulation difficulties.

Below are common traits of adult children raised by narcissistic parents:²

• Inability to focus on their own needs: Adult children of narcissistic parents have been ‘trained’ to consider their parent’s needs first and foremost. Therefore, it is hard for them to consider their own needs without feeling selfish.
• Anxiety and depression: Children of narcissistic parents learn that their goals and needs are unimportant. This belief may lead to anxiety as the child strives to be perfect by living up to unrealistic desires. Depression may develop when the child fails to meet these expectations.
• Feeling undeserving of happiness: Growing up with a narcissistic parent can leave an adult child feeling that they have very little to offer. Even when the now-adult experiences success, they may believe that they don’t deserve it—this can give rise to impostor syndrome.
• Self-blaming behaviors: In order to maintain the narcissistic family unit, the child shies away from blaming their parent. Instead, they take all the blame on themselves. This behavior can continue into adulthood and result in them becoming a scapegoat in many situations.
• Co-dependency in relationships: Parental neglect, manipulation, or emotional absence can leave a child questioning future relationships. They may cling to their partners for love and constant attention.
• Prioritizing the happiness of others: Children who grow up with a narcissistic parent will have built their whole life and personality around their parent’s happiness. In adulthood, they will do the same for the happiness of others, and many may end up working in a care profession.
• Feelings of shame and guilt: A narcissistic parent will ensure children feel guilty if they fail to meet expectations. These feelings of shame can continue into adulthood as people-pleasing behaviors.
• Poor emotional regulation: Narcissistic parents are poor role models for emotional regulation. Because of this, their children do not learn how to manage and express emotions.
• Inability to create and instill boundaries: Narcissistic parents do not respect boundaries and may shame children if they attempt to establish boundaries. This behavior can make setting and maintaining boundaries difficult for children in adulthood.
• Competitiveness: A child of narcissistic parents may have fought for the attention and affection of their parents. Therefore, they may feel the need to do the same in adulthood.
• Low self-esteem: Narcissistic parents belittle and humiliate their children for personal gain. Over time, parental narcissism can degrade a child’s self-confidence and self-esteem.

How to Deal With a Narcissistic Parent

Confronting a narcissistic parent head-on will lead to an ongoing battle. Pointing out negative or undesired behavior challenges the perfect world they created, resulting in feelings of shame and vulnerability. Remember that your feelings and point of view are also important when dealing with a narcissist.

The emotional toll can be significant, but practical advice for managing relationships with narcissistic relatives can help mitigate these effects.

Below are tips for coping with narcissistic parents:

Realize What Is Happening

You will never win with a narcissist. A narcissistic parent thrives on their sense of control, and you will pay if you do not bend to their will. Getting their needs met is more valuable than having a functional family structure. If you try to compromise, they will only manipulate the situation in their favor. You need to realize that this is not normal behavior.

Accept Their Behavior & Let Go

Trying to change a narcissist is nearly impossible unless the narcissist wants to change. Accepting who they are will reduce your anxiety. The negative words and actions aimed at you are really projections of how they feel about themselves–they are deeply wounded individuals.

Resist Gaslighting Attempts

Unfortunately, it is common for narcissistic parents to make their children feel crazy or delusional. A narcissistic parent will tell you it is sunny outside during a hurricane. Ignoring these narcissistic phrases and working on your self-esteem and confidence is key to survival.

Be Compassionate

Though they may not show it, deep down, narcissistic parents do care about you. Under that hard exterior is a sensitive individual who needs compassion and empathy. Having a parent with narcissistic personality disorder is challenging, but remaining compassionate can help you view the situation from a better perspective.

Prioritize Self-Compassion

After enduring the challenges of a narcissistic parent, prioritizing self-compassion is essential. Acknowledge your strength and resilience in navigating this difficult relationship. Focus on learning to self-soothe and provide yourself the love, care, and validation that may have been absent during your upbringing. Remember, your well-being deserves attention and nurturing.

Recovering from such a childhood is not an easy process. It will take time. So, be patient and learn to forgive yourself. It is okay to put your needs first, take time for yourself, and choose when to offer energy and support to others. It is okay to say no without offering an explanation.

Lean on Other Support Systems

Children of narcissistic parents may have difficulty validating their experiences. Seeking out the support of others is essential when recovering from the effects of narcissistic parenting. Create your own social network of friends, co-workers, or social clubs. It may also be helpful to join a support group with others who have narcissistic parents.

Develop Confidence & Self-Worth

It is important to recognize your self-worth despite the insults from your narcissistic parent. Finding activities that increase your skills and abilities will help boost your confidence. Seek things that bring you joy and personal happiness.

Assert Your Boundaries

A narcissistic parent will often test and cross your boundaries simply to prove they can. They may show up uninvited to your home, break family rules, or play favorites with your children. You must set boundaries with your parents and enforce consequences when necessary. It may feel like you are disciplining a child, but be firm and clear when putting your foot down. You may even need to give them a timeout by asking them to leave if they do not follow the rules.

Be Transparent With Your Plans

You may be tempted into using subtle or sneaky behaviors with your narcissistic parent. However, you are better off stating your plans and intentions clearly and concisely. Let them know that you recognize their undesirable or harmful behaviors and express your course of action. This practice will eliminate their ability to act surprised by your reactions and reduce the risk of you feeling guilty about your decisions.

Predict Their Next Moves

Narcissists are complicated and complex, but sometimes their behaviors can be expected and predictable. Help yourself handle a narcissistic parent by identifying their next possible action and how you’d like to respond. Even if you are inaccurate, there is some benefit to being prepared. It’s unlikely their narcissistic traits will simply stop, so staying thoughtful can help limit future damage.

Walk Away

While society places tremendous pressure on maintaining family relationships, these bonds may do more harm than good. Spend time fully considering the prospect of temporarily or permanently ending the relationship with your parents. In some cases, going no contact with a narcissist may be the only practical option.

Can a Narcissist Be a Good Parent?

Most people would not choose to have a parent with narcissistic personality disorder. Growing up with a narcissistic parent is never easy, and the adverse effects of being raised by one are numerous. Spinning this negative situation into a positive one is not possible for everyone. However, resilient children may be able to see the positives in their experience.

Children of narcissistic parents have a personal understanding of narcissism, an ability to recognize manipulative behavior, and a heightened sense of independence. If you can break away from narcissistic influence, seek the good to minimize the past.

Possible benefits of having a narcissistic parent include:

• Better awareness of personality disorders: Navigating life with a narcissistic parent will serve as education in the world of mental health and personality disorders. Your experience can help you identify and manage issues in your platonic, romantic, and professional relationships.
• Ability to distinguish words from action: A narcissistic parent may promise to do one thing but do another. The incongruence can be jarring to a child, but understanding this inconsistency can encourage you to seek out stable and reliable people.
• Increased thoughtfulness: Narcissistic and selfish parents want you to share their wants and values. When you shed this burden, you can spend more time thinking about what you truly want from life.
• Improved sense of self: In a similar fashion, narcissistic parents may think they know you better than you know yourself. Without their influence, you can identify who you are.
• Independence: Narcissism stems from a need for control. Once you find freedom from your parents, you will never submit to a similar situation again. The autonomy you discover will be compelling and rewarding.

How to Support a Loved One With Narcissistic Parents

Children of narcissistic parents are often unaware of the lifelong effects of untreated parental narcissism. To support a loved one dealing with narcissistic parents or narcissistic abuse, you must first educate yourself on the disorder. Start by reading articles on NPD, being compassionate, and offering a safe space to share their experience.

Here are some ways to support a loved one who has narcissistic parents:

• Avoid blaming them, as they are the victim in the scenario
• Be compassionate and listen to their story
• Validate their feelings
• Help them create a safe space to share their experience
• Remember that their parents trained them to accept this behavior
• Be patient with them during their healing process

When to Seek Professional Help

Most people will not understand the emotional abuse you experience from a narcissistic parent. You will only feel silly if you seek help from those who lack personal experience with narcissism. Even if they tell you about problematic family members, their stories may not compare. It is hard to deal with a narcissistic parent on your own. Because of this, finding a committed therapist who provides support is so important. You can use an online therapist directory or sign up for one of the many online therapy platforms for virtual therapy.