20 Signs of a Narcissistic Father & How to Cope

What Is Narcissism?

To be considered for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), an individual must show at least five of the following nine criteria listed in the DSM-V. These traits must be extreme enough, and numerous enough, to create problems in the person’s daily life. The DSM-V indicates that up to 6.2% of the population is diagnosed with NPD, however growing up with a parent who exhibits significant levels of any of these traits can be challenging.

The diagnostic criteria for NPD include:¹

• Grandiose sense of importance
• Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, or other desirable traits
• Sense of specialness
• Excessive need for admiration from others
• Sense of entitlement
• Exploitative of others
• Lacking empathy
• Envy of others and belief that others envy them
• Arrogance and haughtiness

20 Signs of a Narcissistic Father

Common narcissistic traits in fathers include having an over-inflated ego, always needing to be right, and possessing an unearned or false sense of entitlement. Few of us feel that our fathers did everything right as they raised us. However, being raised by a narcissistic father goes beyond these bounds. They focus intensely on the image that they portray as fathers as they exert control over the behaviors and decisions of their children and partners.

We throw around the term narcissist pretty freely these days. But, exhibiting a few narcissistic traits is significantly different than being diagnosed with NPD. It’s healthy to have a bit of narcissism, as it contributes to self-confidence and self-esteem; still, when ego and conceit get out of hand, narcissism becomes a problem.

Here are 20 signs that your father is a narcissist:

1. He is Excessively Vain

He spends an inordinate amount of time attending to his own appearance as well as his family’s. He seeks out compliments for himself and worries more about “optics” of a situation than the situation itself. He may also be overly critical about how others physically present. This may come in the form of passive-aggression or direct insults. He might be hyperfocused on diet, exercise, and/or youthfulness- and these fixations may also be projected onto his children and  family members.

2. He is Overly Obsessed With Success

In his mind, he sees himself as the most accomplished person in the room and his grandiose narcissism keeps him insulated from any evidence that contradicts his perceptions. If he’s not outwardly successful, he might present as extremely bitter or jealous of others. It is hard for him to celebrate other people’s milestones, even when it’s his own children’s successes. Some people with narcissistic tendencies may act aloof or disinterested about success to give the impression that they’re “above” needing that validation.

3. He Didn’t Support You Emotionally

Narcissists have little empathy towards others, and a narcissistic father may be unable to even recognize when a child needs their emotional support. He may have been harsh and cold toward you growing up. He might also have explicitly or implicitly told you to conceal your emotions, particularly feelings of shame, anger, sadness, or fear. As a result, in your adult life, it may be hard for you to trust others or seek support when you’re struggling. If you’re used to being rejected, it makes sense to want to avoid repeating that discomfort.

4. He Made/Makes Fun of You

The lack of empathy for others and the need to have the upper hand may culminate in an overreliance on harmful humor. Those with narcissistic traits sometimes come across as overly sarcastic or snarky. This can create a gaslighting effect. For example, your father may have cracked mean jokes, and if you reacted poorly, he might have said something along the lines of, “Lighten up! Can’t you take a joke? This isn’t that serious.”

5. He Only Complimented You in Public, Never in Private

Narcissistic fathers are obsessed with the image they portray and pretend to be a loving father only when they are playing to an audience. This, of course, can be confusing and painful for their children. Others may have seen your father in a wonderful light. However, behind closed doors, reality felt like a much different situation. Unfortunately, this can cause children to doubt themselves and their truth.

6. He Exploded With Anger if You Showed Weakness in Public

When children embarrass their narcissistic fathers, they take this as a personal insult and affront to their image. Explosions of anger come in various forms, including complete stonewalling, yelling, insulting, and physical abuse. Some people only act this way in private. But your father may have also showed this part of himself in public settings, driving more shame and embarrassment.

7. He Only Calls You to Boast About Himself

He craves praise and uses others to satisfy his narcissistic appetite, known as narcissistic supply. Those with narcissistic tendencies often want to brag about their successes, regardless of the context. He may reach out only to talk about what’s happening in his own life. If you seem uninterested or busy, this may trigger his anger.

8. He is Unable to Acknowledge Your Success as an Adult

He can’t provide positive feedback, although he consistently demands it for himself. Therefore, he may downplay your accomplishments or blatantly insult them. It can seem like nothing you do is ever good enough. That said, in some cases, if you do achieve something noteworthy, he may use that opportunity to brag about his parenting. In that light, your successes are a reflection of his success.

9. He Uses Love Bombing as a Way to Win Affection

He uses love bombing to buy your love with extravagant gifts, and rejects you if you don’t show “extravagant” appreciation. You learned early that no gifts come without strings attached. If he needs support or connection, he may act kind or attentive to you. This is why narcissistic dynamics can feel so complicated. On the one hand, the pain can be so deep. But, on the other hand, those loving, generous moments often feel validating and hopeful.

10. He Belittles You in Front of Your Partner & Children

To build up his own ego, a narcissistic father will cut down their child’s ego with no remorse. He may insult you in front of your partner or children. He might also try to pit them against you. However, if you address the behavior directly, he will likely skirt around the issue or dismiss your concerns.

11. He Boasts About his Early Successes

A narcissistic father will boast about himself, and unfavorably compare your successes to his own. It is gratifying to a narcissistic father to point out the shortcomings of his children, as it’s one more way that he feeds his ego. However, this certainly doesn’t go both ways. Although he feels allowed to criticize you, you likely never feel allowed to offer even the gentlest feedback. Similarly, if you don’t praise his successes enough, this can make him feel unappreciated.

12. He Continually Makes Rude Comments About Your Appearance

Early comments about your weight or appearance continue into adulthood. He may believe your physical looks directly reflect on him. And if he strongly prioritizes his appearance, he will likely expect you to hold that same standard in your life. However, your efforts will rarely feel good enough. If you call him out on this behavior, he may dismiss your feelings or say something like, “I only say these things because I care about you!”

13. He Finds Reasons to Avoid Showing up at Events That Celebrate Others

Rather than being confronted with others’ success, a vulnerable narcissist will avoid attending events that highlight others’ success. He may not go to weddings, birthday parties, or graduation events. If he does attend, he will often try to draw attention (either negative or positive) toward himself. This behavior speaks to the discomfort of someone else having the spotlight.

14. He Cannot Take Constructive Feedback

If you try to share some thoughts on ways that he could improve himself or his behavior, he will respond with anger and turn your comments back on you in hurtful ways. This highlights one of the core themes of narcissism: the fragile ego makes it nearly impossible to absorb and integrate feedback. Instead, your father either externalizes or internalizes (or both) their hurt feeling. Even if they know part of your feedback is true, they will not acknowledge that reality.

15. He Tries to Triangulate You into Disagreements

Always trying to get the upper hand, a narcissistic father uses narcissistic triangulation to try and control a situation and takes pleasure in building alliances that are designed to hurt others. This is why it can seem like people with narcissistic qualities “create drama.” They do not necessarily dislike conflict; in some cases, conflict actually feels safer than a sense of peace and connection. If others are fighting, your father may experience a much-needed sense of validation, power, and control.

16. He Manipulates You into Doing What he Wants

He uses guilt or other emotional blackmail to force you to do what he is asking of you, even if you don’t necessarily want to. It often doesn’t feel worth saying no because you don’t want to deal with the backlash or guilt-tripping. As a result, you may find yourself stuck in patterns of caregiving or extending yourself in ways that go against your best interest.

17. He Ignores Boundaries You Try to Enforce

Even if you tell him what behaviors you won’t tolerate, he continues to engage in them when he’s in your company. People with narcissism often perceive boundaries as a form of personal rejection. These limits can feel intolerable to them, so they will often try to push or protest. If you don’t reinforce your boundaries, they assume your rules aren’t “that real” or “that serious.”

18. He Never Made you Feel as if he Loved You Unconditionally

Growing up, you realized that if you didn’t behave in the manner that he wanted, he would withdraw his love altogether. As a result, you may have grown up acting fully compliant. Or, you may have given up on trying to secure his love altogether. In both cases, there is a deep pain and longing. Children need to feel unconditionally protected and cared for by their parents; the absence of this creates immense grief.

19. He Compares Your Children Unfavorably to Himself as a Child

No one is off-limits when a narcissist is trying to build himself up in others’ eyes. If he doesn’t approve of the way you behave, he will make it known- whether you want to hear it or not. He may even result to criticizing your own children. However, he will often highlight that he’s telling you these things “because he cares” or because he doesn’t “want you to make the same mistakes” he did.

20. He Monopolizes Conversations & Talks Over Others

Regardless of the occasion, a narcissistic father is convinced that his opinion is the only one of value. He doesn’t take time or show interest in what others have to share. These men often interrupt others or act distracted when people talk. They may also frequently engage in long-winded monologues that feel disconnected from the conversation at hand. With that, you might sense that your father never truly listens to what you have to say.

Impacts on a Child With a Narcissistic Father

Growing up with a narcissistic father can be a scary proposition. There are two behaviors that are especially risky for children’s wellbeing and frightening to witness: narcissistic rage and narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic rage refers to the explosive anger, including violence, that erupts from a narcissist when they experience threats to their fragile sense of self and self-esteem.²

When a narcissist feels that they are not receiving the adulation and respect they feel is their due, they may resort to narcissistic abuse of family members, including children. Narcissistic abuse is insidious and can be difficult to recognize, due to the manipulative powers of the narcissistic father. Narcissistic gaslighting is one form the abuse can take. Children may be made to believe a falsehood the narcissist uses to hide the truth; their feelings may be invalidated; or big promises may be made that the narcissistic father fails to keep.

When a narcissistic dad is exposed as a sham, he is likely to suffer narcissistic collapse. He will lash out with anger or turn to behaviors that present harm to self, such as addictive substances/processes, or behaviors that present harm to others, including reckless driving, verbal attacks, or threats of violence. While every parent-child relationship is unique, there are some similarities across families in the ways that a narcissistic father can impact their daughters and sons.

Daughters of Narcissistic Fathers

Being the daughter of a narcissist father can leave a young woman feeling like she’s the most beautiful girl in the world one day, to feeling like one of Cinderella’s ugly stepsisters the next. This can lead to eating disorders, low self-esteem, lack of confidence, and a feeling that she will never be “enough.” The constant criticism from a narcissistic father can leave her in a state of constant anxiety as she works to avoid letting him down.

In addition, the unhealthy power dynamic between narcissist and daughter creates a toxic relationship pattern for future intimate relationships. Daughters of narcissistic fathers may seek out narcissistic partners and accept partners who invalidate them, criticize them, and punish them through mind games. Until a woman recognizes that she is engaging in self-sabotage, she may be unable to find a “happily ever after” romantic relationship.

Sons of Narcissistic Fathers

Narcissistic fathers also emotionally damage their sons. Being a son of a narcissist, a young boy may be taught early on that he will never measure up to his father’s expectations, nor will he be able to feel that he is on equal footing with a man whose sense of achievement is so over-inflated. Life may become a constant struggle to be “good enough” to earn his father’s love. Because narcissists are not able to love their children unconditionally, sons may go to great lengths to earn praise from their father, then suffer a terrible toll when the love doesn’t flow or it’s taken away when a son doesn’t achieve the goal that his narcissistic father set for him.

Vulnerable narcissists blame others when they are thwarted in their efforts, or when they are not lauded at the level they believe they deserve. Their sons pick up similar behaviors and will attribute hostile intentions to others in non-threatening situations.³

Unfortunately, this behavior also leads to aggressive behaviors; thus, the sons of narcissistic fathers may be more prone to negative interactions with others from early childhood onwards

How to Cope With the Impacts of a Narcissistic Father

When you’ve been raised by a narcissistic father, your sense of “normal family life” can be tragically skewed. You may not be totally sure that your own childhood and adolescence were not normal until you reach adulthood and are able to gain distance and perspective on what exactly was “wrong” in your household. As an adult, you now are able to reshape your relationship with your narcissistic father in a variety of ways by caring for yourself and changing your behaviors.

See a Therapist

Don’t pretend you have not been hurt by the experiences of neglect, rejection, abandonment, or alienation that your parents created for you. It’s okay to feel your feelings, name your feelings, and explore ways to heal the hurt. You may also need time to grieve the childhood you didn’t have. Speaking with a professional can help you feel validated and help you find healthier ways of perceiving yourself and relating to others.

Practice Self-Care

Being raised by a narcissistic father can undermine your sense-of-self and leave you feeling unworthy. By practicing self-care, you are training yourself to recognize the value that you hold just for being you – and not needing to look to others to validate your worth.

Set Healthy Boundaries

The best way to maintain healthy relationships is to create and honor healthy boundaries. By creating boundaries, you clarify what you will and will not tolerate from others. Create boundaries that you are willing and able to maintain.

Take Responsibility for Your Life & Your Choices

When you take responsibility for yourself, you take away the power of others to try and bend your behavior to their will. Narcissists love to play mind games, and if you choose to play the “blame game,” you’re following in the footsteps of your narcissistic father.

Set Limits

Be clear about the time that you are willing to invest in the relationship with your father. Prioritize your own emotional wellbeing, and don’t allow yourself to be drawn into parental drama to satisfy your dad’s narcissistic appetite for attention.

Seek Out or Rebuild Healthy Family Relationships

Now that you’re an adult, you can more clearly see the damage that was done to your relationships with others due to your father’s alienating narcissism. Invest time and energy into re-defining and re-building relationships you missed out on as a child.

Let Go of False Hopes

Narcissistic behaviors often grow more ingrained over time, and your father may never be able to love you in the way that other parents love their children. Don’t invest precious emotional resources into a relationship that will never be the one you fantasize about.

Don’t Take on Responsibility That’s Not Yours to Carry

Remind yourself that you were not responsible for your father’s happiness or success when you were a child, and you are not responsible now that you are an adult.

Go No Contact, if Necessary

If any contact is too much contact, go “no contact” with your narcissistic father. If you are feeling bereft at first, use this shift to create a “family of choice,” where relationships are built on mutuality and respect.

If “No Contact” Isn’t an Option, try “Grey Rock”

When in the company of your narcissistic father, engage only from the neck up – don’t risk being vulnerable by engaging your feelings or heart. Keep your contact as minimal as you can, and otherwise, act like a grey rock when your father is trying to goad you.