10 Symptoms of Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder? (NPD)?

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition that presents with a lack of empathy, demanding attention, manipulating others and exaggerating their own importance.¹ While this externally presents as self-centered behavior, this typically masks a very fragile self-esteem. Narcissistic mothers often struggle to separate themselves from their daughters, share the spotlight, have healthy relational dynamics (such as trying to be a friend instead of a parent) and put unattainably high expectations on her daughter.

Common symptoms of NPD include:

• Lack of empathy
• Arrogance and haughtiness
• Inflated sense-of-self and entitlement
• Being preoccupied with fantasies of beauty, wealth, and power
• Excessively seeking admiration
• Near constant jealousy
• Manipulating and taking advantage of others for personal gain
• Overly exaggerating their accomplishments and attributes
• Constant comparison of themselves, others, objects

10 Symptoms of Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

Having a narcissistic mother impacts her daughter in a multitude of ways, particularly in her relationships – in her relationship with herself, having healthy relationships with others, and advocating for her needs in general. Having a narcissistic mother also heavily impacts a person’s overall mental health, making her more likely to struggle with anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.

Here are ten symptoms of daughters of narcissistic mothers:

1. Extremely Self-Critical

Narcissistic mothers are extremely critical of themselves and others. Since mothers are the first people in a person’s life to model self-talk and judgment to a child, most children of narcissists grow up to be extremely self-critical. This negative self-talk can even develop into more severe self-loathing with time, which can impact self-esteem and mental health.

2. Poor Boundaries

Narcissistic mothers struggle with boundaries because of their excessive need for control and their lack of empathy that make them oblivious to how they impact others. Children learn a majority of their social skills by watching their parents’ behaviors (known as social modeling), so having a parent that is unable to model healthy boundaries typically means that child will grow up to also struggle with healthy boundaries within their relationships.

3. Perfectionism

Because narcissistic mothers are so critical, doing things perfectly can reduce the intensity and/or frequency of receiving painful criticism. Children of narcissists learn that perfectionism is not only a means of emotional survival and protection, but it gets as close to receiving love from the narcissistic parent as they can get. While sometimes helpful, perfectionism can also increase anxiety and depression, lower self-esteem and make relationships difficult.²

4. Poor Self-Esteem & Negative Self-Image

Narcissistic mothers see their children as an extension of themselves and as a tool to get what they want (often praise and attention); this means that a narcissistic parent will often force their own ideals onto their child, and they will shame and criticize them to get their compliance. This leaves a child unable to develop into their own person and feeling shameful when they experience their own needs and desires, which leads to poor sense of self, low self-esteem and oftentimes an outright negative view of themselves.³

5. Difficulty Identifying Emotions

Children often learn to identify their emotions by their mothers acting as an emotional mirror that reflects, validates and helps a child to identify their emotions. Because a narcissistic mother struggles to meet her child with empathy, her daughter does not get this reflective emotional experience. This can make it difficult for the daughter to identify and validate her emotions throughout the course of her life, which can make her susceptible to unhealthy and toxic relationships that mimic her relationship with her emotionally unavailable mother, and to mental health struggles (such as anxiety and depression).

6. People-Pleasing

People-pleasing is when a person puts others’ needs and wants before their own, often to their own detriment. A narcissistic mother will always seek to make sure her own needs and wants are met, and will even resort to manipulation tactics if needed. If a narcissistic mother primarily gives attention and connection when the child meets her needs, the child will learn to accommodate the mothers needs first in order to get this connection; this can develop a long-term pattern of people-pleasing.

7. Difficulty Developing Trust

Children also learn relational trust from their parents, and the constant manipulation, gaslighting, and lack of empathy from a narcissistic mother will make it difficult for a child to develop a sense of trust in others. Building trust in relationships can lead to unhealthy relationships and feeling unfulfilled in general.

8. Fear of Rejection & Abandonment

People who struggle with a fear of rejection are afraid of being alone, abandoned and not liked. Narcissistic parents typically tend to supply conditional love and affection, which means a child is continually emotionally abandoned and rejected by their primary caregivers. This is a painful experience for a child that often leaves them fearful of experiencing rejection and striving to avoid it at all costs.⁴

9. Codependency

A codependent relationship is one that contains an imbalance of power between the partners and the two partners become dependent on this dynamic. Narcissistic mothers will seek to create a codependent relationship with her daughter, because this power differential dynamic fills her narcissistic supply. Since children often seek familiar relationships in their adulthoods that were modeled for them in their childhoods, a daughter of a narcissistic mother is likely to find herself in codependent relationships in her adulthood as well.

10. Anxiety & Depression

A narcissist struggles to take accountability for their actions, and will often scapegoat their partners and children to deflect blame, which has been shown to increase a child’s risk of developing anxiety and depression.⁵ Struggling to identify and validate emotions, troubled relationships, low self-esteem and self-criticism are other major contributing factors to developing anxiety and depression as well.

How to Heal From a Narcissistic Mother

Healing from narcissistic abuse can feel daunting and overwhelming, but it is possible through self-work and individual therapy. Joint or family therapy is not usually helpful with a narcissistic mother because a narcissist will often use things shared within therapy against the other person outside of sessions. If you believe you might have a narcissist for a mother, there are several options for individual therapy that could be helpful.

Here are some ways a daughter of a narcissistic mother can heal:

• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): CBT is a kind of talk therapy that focuses on changing negative beliefs and harmful thought patterns that a narcissistic mother might have instilled in her daughter.
• Expressive arts therapies: Creativity-based and expressive arts therapies, such as art therapy and dance therapy can give a person a safe place to learn to take up space, connect to their body and emotions, and to be safely seen by their therapist.
• Humanistic therapy approaches: Humanistic therapy is an umbrella term for several kinds of therapy that focuses on helping a person to self-actualize through having a healthy and corrective relationship with the therapist. The relationship with the therapist can give the daughter an example of a healthy relationship that she did not receive from her narcissistic mother.
• Trauma therapy: Trauma therapy approaches, such as trauma-informed therapy and EMDR can be helpful to focus on specifically healing the relational trauma experienced through having a narcissistic mother.

How to Handle a Narcissistic Mother

Having a narcissistic mother can be an incredibly difficult and painful experience, but there are things that you can do to protect yourself and to navigate the relationship. Most of the things that will make this relationship most navigable for you are likely to be things a narcissistic mother will resist and even fight, it is important to remember that healthy relationships accommodate the needs of both people in them.

Ways to handle a narcissistic mother include:

Educate Yourself About Narcissism

The many types of narcissistic personality disorder  can be an overwhelming diagnosis that can feel difficult to understand. By equipping yourself with information on this disorder, as well as its impacts and implications, you will be able to view a narcissistic mother’s behavior more objectively and to disrupt the self-blaming that might have been instilled in you.

Remember That This Isn’t Your Fault

It’s important to remember that it was your mother’s job to care for and nurture your physical and emotional growth. Narcissistic mothers often use shame, gaslighting, dismissal and manipulation in order to get their own needs met, which can leave their daughters feeling like their mother’s behaviors were their fault. It’s important to remind yourself consistently that your mother’s behavior is not your fault – whether that’s through using mantras, journaling, or having a trusted person to remind you.

Set & Maintain Personal Boundaries

Boundaries are the most important piece in moving forward in a relationship with a narcissistic mother, whether you decide to maintain contact or to end contact with your mother. Setting boundaries in relationships ensures that you are advocating for your own needs and defending them when needed. A narcissistic mother is unlikely to respect and set boundaries for you, so clearly communicating and enforcing boundaries is crucial to continue in a relationship with her.

Embrace the Grey Rock Method

The “Grey Rock Method” is a communication method that is used to emotionally protect you when interacting with a toxic person. This entails acting unresponsive and as inconspicuous as a grey rock in order to avoid drawing attention and conflict to yourself from the toxic person. Disengaging from a narcissistic mother encourages her to seek attention, admiration, and control from someone other than you.

Build Your Self-Esteem

Children typically build their sense of self and self-esteem through emotional praise and mirroring from their parents; since a narcissistic mother is unable to focus on anyone but herself, daughters of narcissistic mothers usually do not get the chance to develop their self-esteem in this way. In adulthood you are able to function without your mother and no longer require her for self-esteem development. Focus on your strengths, change your self-talk and ask trusted persons to reflect positive qualities about you.

Focus on Your Own Regulation

If your narcissistic mother is used to getting attention from you, she is likely to instigate friction if you begin to disengage from her in order to re-establish the attention she is used to getting from you. Focusing on your own emotional regulation will help you to stay calm during conflict, to reinforce your boundaries and to remember not to take her hurtful comments personally.

Lean on or Build Your Support System

Having a narcissistic mother can warp your view of yourself and she may even resort to isolating you in order to maintain control over you and of your attention. Having healthy people you trust around you can help to challenge the hurtful things your mother says about you, to provide support when your mother uses her support as a manipulative tool, and to be a sounding board to process your interactions with her.

Get Professional Support

Oftentimes the impacts of narcissistic abuse from a mother are complicated and are difficult to untangle without the support of a mental health professional. A trained mental health professional can provide a safe place for you to sort out memories and beliefs about yourself, to understand the different things you’ve experienced, and learn new ways to care for yourself moving forward.

When to Seek Professional Support

If you notice you have experienced the symptoms and signs listed above and notice that it’s significantly disrupting multiple aspects of your life – your work, your self-esteem, your relationships, your home life – then it may be time to consider getting professional help. To get started, you can check out online therapy options or an online therapist directory to find the right therapist specializing in narcissistic relationships that would be right for you.

In My Experience

In my experience, realizing your mother may be a narcissist can be overwhelming and healing can take time. I personally think that working with a professional is a great option in order to have a healing and corrective experience that you were not able to have from your mother growing up, and finding a professional that specializes in treating children of narcissists is crucial. While it takes time to heal, there are a lot of hopes and reasons to be optimistic when working with a mental health professional. The most important thing to remember during your healing journey: the behavior you received from a narcissistic mother is not your fault, and it was her job to take care of you as a child.