Rebound sex refers to having sex immediately after a breakup, either with someone familiar or a stranger. Sometimes it’s planned, and other times it’s spontaneous. Some people find that rebound sex helps them move on from a committed relationship. But others experience that it complicates their healing process and makes them miss their ex-partner more.
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What Is Rebound Sex?
Rebound sex is one method people sometimes use to cope after a breakup. Unlike sex in a committed relationship, rebound sex tends to be casual and without strings. For some people, this can be both gratifying and validating, and it can help them move through some of the intense symptoms of breakup grief.
It’s challenging to find exact statistics on the frequency of rebound sex. One study examining 170 college undergraduates found that about one-third of respondents report having rebound sex.1 Rebound sex can sometimes lead to a friends with benefits arrangement, or a more involved rebound relationship, but not always. Likewise, rebound sex with someone may eventually turn into its own committed relationship.
11 Reasons People Have Rebound Sex
People don’t always make a conscious decision to go out and have rebound sex. Many times, it happens impulsively, and it may be more common when someone’s under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Other times, when people have rebound sex, they might be hoping to move on past their relationship or simply have a fun, new experience with someone else.
Here are 11 common reasons people have rebound sex:
1. To Help Get Over Your Ex
The process of getting over someone is complex, and it looks different for everyone. Some people find that rebound sex helps them move past some of the stuckness they feel after a breakup. This can be especially true if they’re really missing their ex or feel worried that they will never heal from the relationship.
2. To Have an Excuse for Casual Sex
Casual sex can be enjoyable because it lacks commitment expectations. Some people use rebound sex as a way to explore engaging in casual sex. Relationships, at times, may feel restricting, particularly if someone has been monogamous for many years. Some people find that they want to experience more sexual freedom, and rebound sex can offer opportunities for that.
3. To Feel Better About Yourself
Some people have rebound sex to restore their confidence after a breakup. Breakups can take a toll on someone’s self-esteem, especially if they weren’t the ones initiating them. Feeling desired by someone else- and having a good time with them- can temporarily validate one’s self-esteem or give them the confidence they need to begin dating again.
4. To Reconnect With Your Sexuality
Sexuality is diverse and refers to the wide spectrum of sexual thoughts, feelings, attractions, and behaviors toward other people. Sexuality also refers to how you physically and emotionally connect with potential partners.2 This can be fluid and evolve over time. After a relationship ends, rebound sex can provide opportunities to further explore your sexuality and reassess your sexual needs.
5. To Seek Revenge
After a breakup, some people experience an intensified desire for revenge toward their ex-partner. They may choose to have rebound sex with a mutual friend or a friend of their ex’s as a way to get back to them. Sometimes they’re hoping that their ex finds out what happened and feels jealous. Other times, it’s more about internally seeking revenge.
6. To Experience Pleasure
People have rebound sex for all sorts of complex reasons, but sometimes it’s a matter of simply wanting to feel good. Rebound sex offers a casual outlet for experiencing pleasure without the associated pressure or expectations of being in a relationship.
7. To Cope With Negative Feelings
Rebound sex can temporarily pause or even reduce feelings of anger, sadness, or fear after a breakup. Being with someone else is distracting, and that can allow you to ground yourself into something new. But, other times, rebound sex only briefly suspends the pain, which may then later come back with a vengeance (i.e. you regret what happened).
8. To Explore Your Interest In Someone Else
Rebound relationships are also common, with research showing that people who enter a relationship quickly after a breakup aren’t necessarily worse off than people who stay single. In fact, some research shows they may function even better.3 If you broke up with your partner because you wanted to pursue a relationship with someone else, rebound sex may fulfill this purpose.
9. To Empower Yourself
Rebound sex may act as a way to instill confidence and individual empowerment. This effect may be even more heightened if you were in a relationship where abuse or themes of control were prominent. Part of you may have believed that you could never be with someone else, or that you would never move on.
10. To Numb or Avoid Parts of Yourself
Breakups can expose tender, vulnerable parts of oneself. It can be scary to confront these feelings or reconcile your new reality. Some people find that sex acts as a form of escape, and this effect can be magnified in cases of more compulsive sex or unsafe sex practices. When this is the case, rebound sex may lead to more difficult consequences.
11. To Satisfy a Specific Urge
Rebound sex can sometimes be a matter of responding to a here-and-now impulse. You may just have the desire to have sex with someone or the opportunity presents itself in a desirable way. When that happens, it’s unlikely there’s a strong, emotional motive behind the act.
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How Long Do Rebound Relationships Last?
Rebound sex doesn’t always lead to a rebound relationship. Many times, the sex is just casual with no strings attached. However, sometimes people having rebound sex decide they want to be together. Rebound relationships are nuanced and diverse, and they can last anywhere from a few months to several years. In some cases, they can become quite serious and lead to marriage.
Here are some things to consider before deciding to have rebound sex:
Do You Associate Sex With Love?
Rebound sex can get complicated if you and your sexual partner(s) have different expectations. It can be painful to have unrequited feelings or even fall in love with someone uninterested in having a relationship. It is possible to have sex without emotional intimacy and connection, but some people can’t separate sex from their emotional needs.
Are You Intentionally Leading Someone On?
It’s very different to have sexual attraction versus romantic attraction to someone. But if you know the other person has feelings for you (and you don’t have feelings for them), you may feel guilty, confused, and ashamed after having rebound sex. You might also feel torn about how and when you should be honest about your intentions.
Are You Trying to Make Your Ex Envious?
Envy refers to wanting something that you don’t currently have. Some people try to make their exes feel envious after a breakup. They want them to regret ending the relationship or long for them again. Rebound sex can be one way to try to incite this envy. While it may feel good in the moment, you may regret doing something only to try to elicit an emotional response.
Are You Trying to Avoid Your Feelings?
There’s nothing wrong with trying to cope with intense feelings. But constant avoidance can take a toll, and research shows that this pattern often coincides with higher rates of depression, anxiety, and other relationship problems.4 It’s okay if you want to have rebound sex, but be mindful of the tendency to try to discount your emotional needs.
Are You Protecting Your Sexual Health?
It’s important to look after your sexual health in all relationships. Because emotions and impulsivity may be heightened when thinking about rebound sex, it’s important to take a moment to check in with yourself. From pregnancies to STIs, unsafe sex is inherently risky, and you should consider what you need to feel protected before getting intimate with someone else.
Are You Still Having Sex With Your Ex?
Sex with an ex is not the same as rebound sex, but studies show that nearly half of older teenagers and young adults have sex with their partner after breaking up.5 Regardless of your intentions, having sex with an ex can be complicated, and it may affect the recovery process. Things may become more complex if you’re also having sex with others.
When to Seek Professional Help
There’s nothing inherently wrong with having rebound sex. But breakups can be painful, and they may bring old wounds and traumas to the surface. They might also coincide with other mental health symptoms or compulsions. If you’re struggling after a breakup or feeling uncomfortable with how you’re approaching sex, therapy may help.
A therapist can provide support, guidance, and reassurance during this time. When choosing a therapist, keep in mind that a good fit is essential. You want someone who feels both warm and capable of helping you. There are numerous options for seeking care, and an online therapy platform or online therapist directory can help you start your search.
In My Experience
Relationships are challenging, breakups can be messy, and sex may feel confusing during this time. It’s so normal for people to want to move on from their pain and seek pleasure somewhere new. But it’s important to be mindful of your emotional state and also honor your needs. Seeking support- whether it’s through close friends, family members, or a therapist- can be invaluable as you begin your healing process.
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