How to Move Forward If You Regret Not Having Kids

Will I Regret Not Having Children?

Many people are making an intentional choice to not have children these days, while others are unable to have children because of situational factors or their circumstances. For people who yearn to become parents, obstacles like fertility problems, finances, or having an unwilling partner can be devastating, but even those who are childless by choice can feel regret about this decision. Sometimes, this regret comes in “waves” and other times, it can feel more constant.² There is no “right” way to feel about not having children.

Not all people who are childless feel regret. In fact, there is no evidence to suggest that people without children are worse off than parents, and some indicate that women without children are less depressed, more satisfied, and have lower levels of stress, especially compared to those with young children.^3,4,7 People who do choose to become parents also often have regrets. While they may not regret having children, a 2018 study found that many parents had regrets about the timing of having kids, the number of children they had, the sacrifices they made, or the person they had children with.⁷

Clearly, this research suggests having children doesn’t guarantee that a person will be satisfied and not have regrets, and also that it is possible to live a meaningful and happy life whether you have children or not. People derive satisfaction and purpose from many other areas of their lives, including relationships, work, spirituality, and enjoyable activities and hobbies.

Having a child is a major life decision and one that is very personal for each person. Because people’s circumstances, priorities, feelings, and needs change over time, it is normal to experience doubt, confusion, and even regret about such a big life decision.

The Disenfranchised Grief of Involuntary Childlessness

For some people, not having children is a personal choice. For others it may not be a choice, but is instead due to factors outside of their control. Struggles with fertility, financial problems, medical or mental health issues, or not having a partner may be reasons why some people who may want to have children end up child-free. This is a form of disenfranchised grief: Some people feel regret, sadness or anger, and may even experience a mixture of positive and negative emotions, which can feel confusing.

What to Do If You Regret Not Having Kids

Whatever the reason was for not having children, having emotional reactions to such a major life decision is normal. The emotional reaction you have depends upon a number of different factors. Some people believe that those who chose not to have children have fewer regrets than those who weren’t able to have children, but this isn’t always true. People in either situation might blame and shame themselves or alternate between feelings of content and feelings of regret.

Regardless of why you didn’t have children or the specific thoughts and feelings you have, there are things you can do to work through your feelings of regret and live a more fulfilling life.

Here are 10 tips for when you regret not having children:

1. Acknowledge & Accept Your Feelings

Acknowledging your emotions about not having children is an important step in coping with these feelings and working towards acceptance. Often people try to suppress, push away, or distract from their emotions, but this can lead to feeling worse. Instead, take time to reflect on exactly what you are feeling, whether it is sadness, disappointment, guilt, worry, or something else. You may even feel mixed emotions about not having children, like both sadness and relief at the same time. Avoid judging or putting yourself down for having these feelings. Remember that any and all emotions are okay and there is no “right” way to feel.

2. Learn Healthy Coping Skills

Coping skills are positive behaviors that help you deal with a particular problem or emotion. There are countless ways to cope with your emotions and what works for one person might not work for another. You may have to try different coping skills to find the ones that work best for you.

Here are examples of coping skills:

• Problem-focused coping: Directly address underlying problems and triggers associated with the stress then find ways to improve the situation, choose an alternative healthy solution, or make a positive change.
• Express your feelings: Consider journaling, talking to a friend, using a creative outlet, or finding another way to express your feelings, rather than avoiding or bottling them up.
• Relieve stress: Add proven stress-relieving activities like mindfulness, meditation, yoga, or physical exercise to your routine.
• Engage in enjoyable activities: Incorporate “you time” into your routing by brainstorming a list of activities you enjoy and prioritizing time to dedicate to these on a regular basis.

3. Don’t Compare Yourself to Others

If you are feeling mixed emotions about not having children, it may feel like everyone you know is having babies and growing their families. While it’s natural to compare yourself to other people, it usually results in feeling worse about yourself, your circumstances, and experiencing more regret or doubt about not having kids. Remember that you are not alone in living a child-free life, and that more and more people are choosing to be child-free, even if these aren’t people in your direct circle. Interrupt negative self-comparisons like, “I’m the only one,” and try to stay focused on creating the life (and lifestyle) you want.

4. Find a Therapist

If you are experiencing depression, self-doubt, or regret about not having children, therapy can help to process your feelings, find clarity, and come to the point of acceptance.⁶ There are many different approaches to therapy that can be helpful, such as psychodynamic therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and humanistic therapy. You can start by searching for a therapist that seems like a good match, asking your healthcare provider for a referral, asking friends or family members for recommendations, or contacting your health insurance company. You may also consider a couples counselor if you find your marriage or relationship is being strained.

5. Practice Self-Compassion

Practicing self-compassion is another way to help cope with regret about not having children. Compassion is another word for kindness, which is a concept that we often forget to apply to ourselves. It involves allowing yourself to feel your emotions without judgement. The practice of self-compassion can help decrease negative emotions and stress and improve overall well-being.⁵

There are many ways to practice self-compassion, including:⁵

• Change your self-talk: Practice talking to yourself in the way that you would normally respond to a loved one, interrupting self-critical thoughts with kinder and gentler ones.
• Challenge judgmental thoughts: When you find yourself judging your emotions, remind yourself that it is normal and okay to feel the way that you do.
• Try to write a self-compassion letter: This exercise was created by Dr. Kristen Neff, and involves writing a letter to yourself as if you were writing to a loved one, and then reading it aloud.
• Practice consistent self-care: Set aside 15-30 minutes every day to do something that helps you relax, unwind, and enjoy yourself.

6. Identify Your Core Values

The definition of a meaningful life varies from person to person, but in general it is a life lived according to your core values, which represent the concepts and principles that matter most to you. Use a values worksheet to identify your top five values and consider what adjustments you can make to live a life more aligned with these values.

When you live a value-directed life, you feel a sense of purpose and are at peace with your decisions and circumstances, even those that are outside of your control. From this list, work to set goals and identify activities that demonstrate these top five values, and work to incorporate more of these into your life.

7. Interrupt “Right Vs. Wrong” Thinking

Rather than going down the path of questioning your decision according to the idea that one choice is “right” and the other is “wrong,” consider the idea that there are multiple paths to a happy life, even one without children. In fact, there are many ways in which a childless life may offer you more freedom, including being able to focus on your career, more flexibility when it comes to time and travel, and fewer financial responsibilities. Abandon the either/or thinking patterns and start to see the bigger picture, which includes many different lifestyles, choices, and versions of the future where you could be happy.

8. Use Your Support System

Maintaining a positive support network is another important component of a meaningful life. Reach out to family and friends regularly to help cope with loneliness and increase your sense of community. Having people to talk to who have also struggled with their decision to not have children can be helpful.

You may also consider joining a support group. While it may be hard to find a support group that is specifically geared towards this particular issue, or even find meet-ups and activities where you are likely to meet others who have similar lifestyles.

9. Become Involved in a Child’s Life

If you have a parental or caretaking instinct that feels unfulfilled, there are ways you can get involved in a child’s life. You might have a niece or nephew, younger cousin, or a best friend’s child that you could spend more time with. You can also seek out opportunities to connect with children by volunteering for a charity, becoming a coach or tutor, or joining a mentoring program. Taking on a caretaking role allows you to become more involved in a child’s life and make a positive impact on them.

10. Set Boundaries With Others

One of the challenges of not having children can be facing other people’s opinions and assumptions. It can be upsetting when people ask personal questions, make comments, pressure you, or question your choices. When it comes to not having children, you do not have to reveal anything more than you feel comfortable with, and you also do not have to justify or explain your decision to others. Consider how to be clear and assertive with others, setting healthy boundaries that allow you to only share what you want to share. For example, you can say, “It’s just a personal choice,” “I’m not comfortable talking about it,” or, “Let’s talk about something else.”

Final Thoughts on Accepting a Childless Life

It’s normal to experience a range of emotions about the decision to not have children, including sometimes feeling sadness, regret, or self-doubt. If these feelings become overwhelming or start to have a negative impact on your life or mental health, consider speaking with a therapist. Remember that there are many pathways to living a full, happy, and meaningful life, with or without children.