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Gaslighting Parents: Signs & How to Respond

Published: January 20, 2022 Updated: June 29, 2022
Published: 01/20/2022 Updated: 06/29/2022
Headshot of Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C
Written by:

Silvi Saxena

MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C
Headshot of Rajy Abulhosn, MD
Reviewed by:

Rajy Abulhosn

MD
  • What Is Gaslighting?Definition
  • Signs of Gaslighting ParentsSigns
  • What Do Gaslighting Parents Say?What They Say
  • How to Respond to Parents Gaslighting YouHow to Respond
  • When to Seek Professional HelpGetting Help
  • Final ThoughtsConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
Headshot of Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C
Written by:

Silvi Saxena

MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C
Headshot of Rajy Abulhosn, MD
Reviewed by:

Rajy Abulhosn

MD

Trying to deal with and handle gaslighting parents is no easy task. Parents gaslighting their children use many toxic ways to manipulate and control them. Dealing with gaslighting parents is challenging but understanding that you’re not alone and that your feelings and experiences matter is critical to ensuring you do not succumb to their manipulation.

BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by BetterHelp

Visit BetterHelp

What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a type of abuse used to distort the truth of its victim´s experience. Gaslighters create doubt in their victims to manipulate how they feel, what they may think and what they do. Gaslighters want their victims to question their own reality so it’s easier to control them. It is a tactic often used by toxic or abusive parents and also used in narcissistic relationships and abuse cycles.

Signs of Gaslighting Parents

Gaslighting parents tend to need and have a lot of control over their children. This emotional manipulation starts out as mental and emotional abuse by denying statements or events which occurred, often minimizing the severity of their actions. They use gaslighting to undermine their children’s needs and perspectives. Usually these types of relationships don’t change, and are often due to narcissistic parents and/or family members.1

Signs your parents are gaslighting you may include:

  • Ignoring a child’s subjective experience
  • Making a child feel worse about themselves
  • Playing the victim
  • Being overly controlling
  • Rewriting history
  • Creating unhealthy competition
  • Verbal abuse
  • Blaming, belittling or publicly shaming a child
  • Denying something that occurred
  • Creating doubt in a child’s memory

What Do Gaslighting Parents Say?

Gaslighting parents may say a number of things which may be similar to what many parents say. However, gaslighting parents say these phrases with the intent to distort the reality of their child in order to maintain control over them.

Examples of gaslighting phrases that parents may say to their children include:

  • “You’re being overly dramatic”
  • “It didn’t happen like that”
  • “You sound crazy”
  • “You’re hysterical”
  • “You’re too sensitive”
  • “You’re not upset, you’re fine”
  • “You’re not hungry, you’re tired”
  • “You’re not making any sense”
  • “You’re exaggerating”
  • “It’s not a big deal”
  • “Don’t make it a big deal”
  • “It’s not that serious”

How to Respond to Parents Gaslighting You

How to deal with gaslighting parents is similar to dealing with narcissistic parents. There is a lot of overlap with how these parents dismiss and minimize the feelings and experiences of children.

The following are tips for responding to gaslighting parents:2

  • Take time and space for yourself: Take time away from others and let yourself be and allow yourself to focus on being in the present.
  • Journal/document the abuse: Journaling helps to keep a source of truth for you even if your recollection is challenged. Having this logged gives you something concrete and gives you an insight into your actual experience if you do begin to question yourself.
  • Set boundaries : Setting boundaries is important because you limit how much of yourself you allow your parents to control, even if they have a lot of control. Boundaries help you maintain control of your own emotions, which no one can take from you.
  • Acknowledge it: Recognize that this is going to happen and understand that you’re not going to be able to change your parents. Letting things go doesn’t mean that you agree or you believe it, it just means you won’t mentally drain yourself trying to argue.
  • Agree to disagree: Simply agree to disagree.
  • Validate yourself: Have ways to validate your emotions, whether that is from your journaling or other creative outlet or support system.
  • Have witnesses: If you are able to have someone with you or nearby when there is a challenge, you can have leverage from others who can validate your position on the topic. There is power in numbers.
  • Get help: Getting therapy or counseling is a great step as well in preserving your self-worth and self-esteem.

Narcissist Abuse Support Groups

Circles offers support groups that provide a safe place to share your experiences and learn from others going through similar experiences. Circles offers groups focused on specific relationships, like narcissistic parents or narcissistic romantic relationships. Groups meet weekly by video and are led by expert facilitators. Your group can connect via chat anytime using the Circles app. Join a Circles group for just $20 per week. Learn More

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health & wellness companies and is compensated for referrals by the company mentioned above.

When to Seek Professional Help

The right time to get help with gaslighting parent issues is when it’s identified. It can be challenging to talk about with your parents, so it’s important to consider individual or family therapy, depending on what your issues are. Given the emotionally volatile and abusive nature of gaslighting parents, it’s important to seek help immediately if you feel you are in danger of any kind. You do not need to endure any kind of abuse and this should never be tolerated. A therapist can help normalize this into an internalized belief.3

Sometimes family or group therapy can help with these gaslighting parents. Family therapy can give insight to the parents about what is happening if they are unaware of their own blind spots. Therapy holds a safe space for children to speak up, and allows the therapist to set ground rules and goals of therapy that parents need to adhere to.

Group therapy can also be helpful in providing a sense of community and support from others who have gaslighting parents. These group therapy sessions can give individuals the validation from their peers that they are not getting from their parents and ensure that their feelings aren’t minimized. Knowing that you’re not alone is a big benefit of group therapy.

Using an online therapist directory to find a therapist experienced in dealing with these types of relationships is a great place to start. Reading reviews and looking at clinician bios to understand their scope of practice can give you an idea of whether their experience suits your situation. Many therapists offer a free phone consultation and virtual/teletherapy visits if you are not able to be physically present.

Final Thoughts

Gaslighting from parents is hard to deal with but there are ways to heal and move forward. It may take time to recognize, understand and accept that this is happening. Working with a therapist is a great way to empower you and restore some of what has been lost to the manipulative tactics.

Additional Resources

Education is just the first step on our path to improved mental health and emotional wellness. To help our readers take the next step in their journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy may be compensated for referrals by the companies mentioned below.

Narcissist Abuse Support Groups – Circles offers support groups that provide a safe place to share your experiences and learn from others going through similar experiences. Groups bring together people based on their relationship with the narcissist, like a narcissistic parent. Groups meet weekly by video and are led by expert facilitators. Learn More

BetterHelp (Online Therapy) – BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you. Get Started

Online-Therapy.com – The Online-Therapy.com standard plan includes a weekly 45 minute video session, unlimited text messaging between sessions, and self-guided activities like journaling. Recently, they added Yoga videos. Get Started

Headspace (Meditation App) – Headspace is the leading mindfulness and meditation app with over 70 million members. Headspace offers guidance and exercises for all skill levels, including beginners. Free Trial

Choosing Therapy’s Directory – Find an experienced therapist who is committed to your wellbeing. You can search for a therapist by specialty, availability, insurance, and affordability. Therapist profiles and introductory videos provide insight into the therapist’s personality so you find the right fit. Find a therapist today.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by Circles, BetterHelp, Online-Therapy.com, and Headspace

For Further Reading

  • Mental Health America
  • National Alliance on Mental Health
  • MentalHealth.gov
3 sources

Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

  • Ha, T., Otten, R., McGill, S., & Dishion, T. J. (2019). The family and peer origins of coercion within adult romantic relationships: A longitudinal multimethod study across relationships contexts. Developmental psychology, 55(1), 207. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30372095/

  • Kurniawan, L., & Limanta, L. S. (2021). Unwritten Scars: Gaslighting in Relationships. [email protected] ta Kita, 9(2), 253-258. https://katakita.petra.ac.id/index.php/sastra-inggris/article/view/11868

  • Murphy, C. M., Eckhardt, C. I., Clifford, J. M., LaMotte, A. D., & Meis, L. A. (2020). Individual versus group cognitive-behavioral therapy for partner-violent men: a preliminary randomized trial. Journal of interpersonal violence, 35(15-16), 2846-2868. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29294732/

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Headshot of Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C
Written by:

Silvi Saxena

MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C
Headshot of Rajy Abulhosn, MD
Reviewed by:

Rajy Abulhosn

MD
  • What Is Gaslighting?Definition
  • Signs of Gaslighting ParentsSigns
  • What Do Gaslighting Parents Say?What They Say
  • How to Respond to Parents Gaslighting YouHow to Respond
  • When to Seek Professional HelpGetting Help
  • Final ThoughtsConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
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