Gaslighting Parents: 9 Signs & How to Respond

What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is abuse used to distort the truth of its victim´s experience. When gaslighting comes from parents, it creates doubt in children’s perception of their feelings, thoughts, and actions. Gaslighting parents want to control children by making them question their reality. In many cases, abusive parents or narcissistic parents use this tactic. Over time, this can develop into a cycle of abuse.

Intention Vs. Unintentional Parental Gaslighting

Manipulation, whether purposeful or accidental, can negatively impact a child in various ways. Parents who gaslight intentionally deliberately manipulate their child’s perception of reality, often to maintain control or avoid responsibility for their actions. On the other hand, unintentional gaslighting may occur due to a lack of awareness or understanding of their child’s feelings and experiences.

Both forms of gaslighting can leave the child feeling confused, invalidated, and emotionally unstable. Parents need to recognize their own behaviors and work to create a supportive and validating environment for their children. By acknowledging and addressing the issue, parents can help their children develop a strong sense of self and resilience against future gaslighting attempts.

Signs of Gaslighting Parents

Gaslighting from parents usually starts as mental and emotional abuse. Gaslighting parents may deny statements or events from occurring, often minimizing the severity of their actions. This form of emotional manipulation undermines their children’s needs and perspectives. Signs of gaslighting parents in dysfunctional families vary but include common behaviors to be aware of.

Signs your parents are gaslighting you may include:

1. Downplaying Your Success

Gaslighting parents may downplay children’s success, often minimizing their achievements. These parents may make children feel their accomplishments are insignificant or undeserving of praise, contributing to self-doubt and a lack of confidence.

2. Shifting Blame Onto You

Manipulative parents may frequently shift blame onto their children by refusing to take responsibility for their actions. Instead, they make their children feel guilty to instill self-blame, confusion, and emotional distress.

3. Refusing to Apologize for Their Actions

Another sign of gaslighting parents is their refusal to apologize for their actions. Instead of acknowledging their mistakes and admitting fault, they may deny any wrongdoing or dismiss their children’s perception of events. Over time, their children begin feeling invalidated, unsupported, and rejected.

4. Claiming They “Know What’s Best”

Gaslighting parents may also claim that they “know what’s best,” often to the detriment of their children. They frequently disregard their children’s opinions to make space for their own desires, purposefully stealing the autonomy and free will their children deserve. Children feel consistently undermined by their parent’s overbearing attitude.

5. Twisting the Facts for Personal Benefit

Manipulative parents contort the truth of a situation for personal gain without considering the consequences. Parents who gaslight may warp information or events to suit their narrative, leaving their children confused and questioning their own memory or perception of reality.

6. Minimizing Or Ignoring Your Feelings

Gaslighting parents frequently minimize or ignore children’s feelings, making them feel their emotions are unimportant or unworthy of attention. Children may feel entirely disconnected from their feelings because they fail to learn healthy emotional regulation from their parents.

7. Publicly Belittling You

Publicly belittling a child is another sign of gaslighting parents. Parents may criticize or mock children in front of others, causing embarrassment and humiliation. This cruel behavior can damage children’s self-esteem and lead to feelings of worthlessness that may follow them into adulthood.

8. Attempting to Control You

It is not uncommon for gaslighting parents to control their children’s actions, decisions, or relationships. They may do so by instilling doubt in children, leaving them feeling suffocated and unable to make choices for themselves. As they age, these children may struggle with developing independence and autonomy.

9. Playing the Victim

Gaslighting parents may play the victim by portraying themselves as mistreated or misunderstood. They may do so during conflicts to avoid taking responsibility or when their child attempts to make a decision they disagree with. The child may feel guilty for expressing their feelings or standing up for themselves, further perpetuating the cycle of manipulation and control.

Common Gaslighting Parents Phrases

Gaslighting parents may say several things that resemble typical parental interaction. However, gaslighting parents intentionally use these words to distort the reality of their children to maintain control. If using gaslighting phrases in the family is standard, a child or other members may unintentionally accept it as ‘normal.’

Gaslighting phrases from parents may include:

• “You’re being overly dramatic.”
• “It didn’t happen like that.”
• “You sound crazy.”
• “You’re hysterical.”
• “You’re too sensitive.”
• “You’re not upset, you’re fine.”
• “You’re not hungry, you’re tired.”
• “You’re not making any sense.”
• “You’re exaggerating.”
• “It’s not a big deal.”
• “Don’t make it a big deal.”
• “It’s not that serious.”

Examples of Gaslighting Parents

Parental manipulation can take various forms. Both gaslighting mothers and fathers employ tactics to impair their children’s abilities to self-govern and develop independence. They may deny past events or conversations, trivializing the children’s experiences. These parents may also accuse a child of being too sensitive, exaggerating, or even fabricating concerns, leading the child to question reality. By understanding and identifying these examples of parental gaslighting, children and other family members can take steps to address the issue and foster a healthier family dynamic.

Examples of gaslighting parents may include:

• Putting words into a child’s mouth: Gaslighting parents may insist that a child said or felt something, especially when it fits their narrative and allows them to continue playing the victim.
• Placing ‘shoulds’ on a child’s behavior: A parent may dictate how a child should act, feel, or think (“You should act like this”), leading the child to feel guilty or ashamed for not meeting the parent’s expectations.
• ‘Blanket statements’ about a child: Gaslighting parents use blanket statements to make generalized and negative perceptions about a child. These may include phrases such as, “You’re a bad kid,” “You never do anything right,” or “You never listen to me.”
• Narrative gaslighting: This happens when a parent manipulates the story of events or situations to suit their own needs, often portraying themselves as the victim or hero.
• Saying criticism is “out of love”: A gaslighting parent may claim that their negative comments come from a place of ‘love,’ suggesting that they are only trying to help their child improve.

Effects of Having Gaslighting Parents

The effects of having gaslighting parents can be long-lasting and deeply ingrained, often leading to childhood trauma that persists into adulthood. Experiencing manipulation from parents during formative years can impact mental and emotional development, self-esteem, relationships, and overall sense of self-worth.

The effects of being gaslighted as a child may contribute to self-doubt and anxiety, and children may learn to distrust themselves and others as they mature. In turn, their relationships suffer in adulthood as they struggle to develop connections. Adult children may also experience depression, anxiety disorders, or even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Possible effects of gaslighting parents in adulthood include:

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Low self-esteem
• Dissociation
• Self-doubt
• Relationship difficulties
• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

How to Deal With Gaslighting Parents

Learning how to respond to gaslighting parents is similar to dealing with narcissistic parents. There is a lot of overlap with how these parents dismiss and minimize the feelings and experiences of children.

The following are tips for responding to gaslighting parents:²

• Journal about the abuse: Journaling provides a source of truth for you, even when you question your recollection. This log gives you concrete insight into your experience if you doubt yourself.
• Set firm boundaries: Setting boundaries with parents limits how much of yourself you allow them to control and helps you maintain control of your emotions–no one can take these from you.
• Acknowledge it: Recognize the gaslighting from your parents and understand that you cannot change their behavior. Letting things go doesn’t mean you agree with or believe them. It means you won’t mentally drain yourself trying to argue with them.
• Have witnesses: If you have someone with you or nearby when being gaslighted by your parents, you can have leverage when they invalidate your position. There is power in numbers.
• Join a support group: Group therapy provides community and support from others who have gaslighting parents. These sessions can offer individuals validation from their peers that they do not receive from their parents. Knowing that you’re not alone is another benefit of group therapy.
• Ask them to join family therapy: Family therapy can give insight to parents about their behavior if they are unaware. Therapy holds a safe space for children to speak up. It also allows the therapist to set ground rules and goals for parents.
• Agree to disagree: You cannot change your parent’s perspective–accept that it is okay to have differing opinions without engaging in further conflict. Your parents may never see their role in your experience or take accountability.
• Validate yourself: Remember that your feelings, thoughts, and experiences are valid, even if your gaslighting parent tries to undermine or dismiss them.
• Reach out to loved ones: Seek support from trusted friends or family members who can provide a safe space for you to share your experiences and offer emotional support. They can provide grounding and reality checks when necessary.
• Don’t feed into an argument: Avoid arguing with your gaslighting parent as it may only escalate the situation. Instead, try to remain calm and disengage from the conversation.

When to Seek Professional Help

When dealing with gaslighting parents, considering individual or family therapy can be invaluable, as explaining your perspective to parents may be challenging. Seeking help immediately if you are in danger is crucial. You do not need to endure or tolerate any kind of abuse. A therapist can help normalize this into an internalized belief.³

Using an online therapist directory to find the right therapist experienced in dealing with these types of relationships is a great place to start. Reading reviews and looking at clinician bios can give you an idea if their experience suits your situation. Many therapists offer free phone consultations and online therapy options if you cannot be physically present.

Final Thoughts

Gaslighting from parents is hard to deal with, but there are ways to heal and move forward. It may take time to recognize, understand, and accept that this is happening. Working with a therapist is a great way to empower yourself and restore some of what you’ve lost to their manipulative tactics.